Day 134 – May 14th, 2017

So, this log is going to be a doozy, that’s for sure. I have so, so much to cover because this entire day has been… okay, I don’t even know WHAT to call this day, but it was something else, that’s for sure. I’ll start from the beginning.

I got in, and Luna was there, excited as always! She’s so great. Anyways, not shortly thereafter, Dylan came in.

God, I can barely remember what we talked about now. It just all seems so inconsequential after everything that has occurred today.

Actually, you know, I’ll just write about the parts that stood out to me today, because there really were some moments that made me smile.

Let’s see… when we all went for lunch, Luna had to go downstairs to grab her lunch and Dana decided last second to stay behind a bit, so Dylan and I ended up walking out together, on our own.

We went through the outside, which was extremely refreshing despite the slight spray of rain that had begun, and the gusting winds. We talked about The Fifth Mountain (which I had been meaning to ask him about but he ended up bringing it up himself), and how far along we were in it. He’s about 30 pages in and I’d say I’m about halfway? Either way, I think he may need to re-read because he did most of his reading on the beach (cute!) but the sun was pretty blinding, so he might have misread some stuff, LOL.

Once we got to the cafe, I chose a wrap that I knew was pretty good, and he chose the same, and we went over to the register to pay.

I was just about to pull out my card to pay for them both, but then he did the same! And we ended up kind of nudging each other aside in protest because each of us wanted to pay, which was very cute. Even the cashier commented on it, LOL. In the end, I let him pay, but I told him I would get the next one. He in turn replied to just, owe him a drink (which appears to be his go-to, LOL). I agreed, and then thanked him.

Lunch went well! We vented about department stuff, and then talked about travel for the most of it. Dylan talked about some really cool stories from his trip.

Later on in the day, I finally got to bring one of my daydreamed scenarios to life – so before, I often imagined telling Dylan about how I wanted to sing him happy birthday and even brought a candle into work, the day that he, Mary and I went to lunch, the day before his birthday, but never got a chance to because I accidentally forgot my debit card back at the counter.

Today, I brought my brown bag into work (the bag that I never took the candle out of, even up until now), so I just went with my gut, and as I was helping him with paper work, I told him to remind me to tell him something rather funny after he was done.

Later on, he asked me what it was, and I told him about the whole thing; how I brought a candle in, how I wanted to sing him happy birthday but didn’t want to bug Mary for extra money for a cupcake since she was already paying for lunch, and all of that.

He seemed genuinely touched, and gave me a warm hug as he thanked me for the thought of it all. I told him I owed him a happy birthday song on top of that drink now, and he agreed. It was cute. The moment went pretty much exactly how I planned in my head. Minus the part where I told him how I felt about him afterwards, that part stayed in my imagination, LOL.

The rest of the day was fun – we both attempted juggling at one point, and I told him about my brief stint in circus camp way back in the day. All in all, it was a pretty fun day!

He talked about his best friend a bit to me, which is nice because it seems like she’s really important to him. He also brought up his new-found love for Spanish culture (but conveniently left out the part about how he loved the Spanish women too, hmm).

So. The reason that all of this has become rather inconsequential.

I asked the universe for help today, out loud. I just wanted some guidance, some way, somehow. And by no coincidence, I ended up getting into a long and deep conversation with Dana, who seems to be so incredibly in tune with her own energy and practically the energy of the world even. She’s so wise and insightful.

Anyways, she made me realize today that… I need to get out of my head and my heart when it comes to this.

Sure, I have strong feelings for him. But man… first of all, I’m happy on my own. Second of all, it seems like he’s really quite happy on his own too, for the time being. I don’t think he’s looking to be in or get into a relationship, any time soon. So, I can’t… consume myself and my feelings, with this. I mean, I wasn’t entirely invested (or perhaps that’s what I’d like to believe). But she said something that stood out to me: have fun. And she’s right! I just need to have fun with this and not take it so seriously! I need to enjoy the way things are right now – the slow build of our friendship, a real one. Have fun now, and enjoy whatever results may (or may not) occur afterwards.

It felt nice to truly and genuinely put things into perspective today. I’m going to be really busy once this week commences, I just don’t have time to dwell on things, you know?

When I check in with my intuition, it doesn’t feel like I’m doing this to protect myself, per se. It feels exactly as what I’ve said – just to liven up a bit, and live in the moment, and know that whatever is meant for me will find me. There’s investing in manifesting your intentions, and then there’s just plain trying to force things to be, and that’s not what I want.

I tried to imagine us on a date. And in my head, it just felt so… stiff? Forced? I want organic moments. I want things to play out as they will. I like him, but I don’t want him to know that because I want him to be able to maybe fall for me based on the things he learns about me as things go. And I still have things I need to learn about him too. So, less intensity on the emotional front will benefit me and this situation in many, many ways. I just, need to keep these realizations in mind.

I fall hard and care deeply. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to change that about myself. But I need to learn how to be more responsible about it, if possible. Practical, is the word.

It’s always good to get a reality check every once in a while.

Anyways, he’ll be working every weekend for the rest of May, so I guess that’ll just be a nice chance to work on our friendship I suppose! We’ll see how things go. I’m not closing my heart off – I’m just, adjusting the lever a little.

That’s about it on that! Now, onwards to the unbelievable part of this unreal day.

So earlier today, during my conversation with Dana, I was talking about how Nick has been messaging me a lot. We were talking about energy, and how sometimes physical things can have an energy of itself. Like, I still have his sweater, and I have a box full of memories that I’ve kept away. She suggested getting rid of them, in a way of acceptance and love rather than vindictively, of course. In a way where I understand that that chapter of my life has come to a close and it’s time to really move on.

The idea of getting rid of all that stuff kind of made me sad though. I told her I didn’t quite know how to do that, in a way that was free of negative energy. Why? I guess it was because we left off in a good place, and the idea of throwing all those memories away, as though they didn’t mean anything, made me a little… uneasy, I suppose? I don’t really know how to explain it. But, I did agree that it was a good idea. At least even asking him if maybe he wanted his sweater back.

Anyways, today in the evening after work, I took my mom and dad to a sushi place that was actually kind of close to their restaurant, right? And it was fine, we actually love that place for sushi because it’s really good and really fresh. So we were eating, in our own world, talking about whatever. Actually, I was just talking about how I wasn’t going to go to Don’s sister’s wedding if they invited us, because I never wanted to see him again, if I had to have a choice in it, LOL. And man, is this universe ever funny because, just then…

I catch my mom and dad look up, and their expressions turned into looks of pure, dumbfounded shock. So I turn around to see what they’re looking at, and well…

Nick and his entire family were settling into the table directly beside ours.

First of all, what are the odds!?!?!?!? Second of all, holy crap.

I’m pretty sure I whipped back around in shock because I had no idea how to react. But within seconds, I managed to compose myself, turned back around, and enthusiastically said hi to each of them.

I got up, and I hugged each one of them in turn, starting with Nick, and then his brother, and then his dad and then finally, his mom. It was so, so nice to see her after so long. I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed her until I saw her again. She was the same as ever – warm, welcoming and so sweet. She held my hands as she talked a bit about the restaurant and we talked about her hair. After some chitchat, we all settled back down into our respective tables.

It took everything I had in me not to burst out laughing, LOL. It was just such an incredulous situation!!!!! I couldn’t understand how it was possible. And the look on Nick’s face! It was probably pretty similar to my own expression, in all honesty.

I tried to settle back into normalcy despite how much I was shaking, and tried to resume conversation with my parents like usual. Nick’s mom even ended up bringing some roses that she had, for my mom, which was so, so sweet. And his dad stopped by our table to talk with us for a bit, about how busy things had been for him lately. I can’t believe that our parents met, after all this time, AFTER we broke up. The dramatic irony in this is just unreal.

Anyways, eventually the time came where we were done eating, so I asked for the bill. After a couple moments, the server came back but, not with the bill. Instead, he said that it had been taken care of. I sat there, in complete shocked silence, for a good minute or so. And so did my parents.

Slowly, I turned around, and Edgardo’s mom just stared back at me with a small smile. She raised her finger to her lips secretively, so I knew she had taken care of it.

I honestly didn’t know how to react. I told her that was so, so incredibly sweet and nice of her to have done that, and she said it was a treat for my mom. Oh man. Oh my god. I still can’t believe ANY of this happened. When did my life turn into a movie? Were there secret cameras filming? Because none of this made any realistic sense whatsoever.

Anyways, we made to leave, so everyone got up at once to say goodbye.

I hugged Nick first, and I don’t know if it was just me, but there seemed to be a little bit of lingering in this one. I don’t quite know who it came from though, in all honesty. Afterwards, we kind of just stood there, smiling awkwardly at each other until I started to laugh. Unreal. I still can’t.

Afterwards, I hugged his brother, and then his dad, and once again, finally his mom.

And here’s where things became less funny and more heartrendingly sad.

She gave me a huge hug, and told me she loved me, and that I should come by the restaurant sometime, and I could feel how much she meant what she was saying as she held me, and it broke my heart.

She hugged me a couple times actually, and I hugged her. I told her I missed her, and that I hoped I would see her again soon, and to take care.

After that, my mom and dad said goodbye too, and that was that.

The car ride home basically consisted of my parents analyzing my relationship and me trying to hold back tears, LOL. Nick messaged to apologize for being awkward, and I told him it was fine because the whole entire situation was so surreal and ironic.

We messaged for a bit after that, (he was sure that I ducked my head to hide when my mom asked me if that was him, and I vehemently denied it – I legitimately didn’t know they were there until they started settling down to sit).

I didn’t expect it to hurt this much, but then this entire encounter was so unexpected. I never thought I would see his family again, you know? And god, I loved them so, so much. I really did. And I know they loved me too.

It just makes me so sad, because I could see how amazingly well things could have gone for us. Maybe our parents would have gotten along well, I don’t know. All I know is that, it made me sad.

I haven’t thought about it much in a very long time, but today, after months… I wished that he hadn’t of slept with someone else on that early October night. I wished that things could have been different for us. I fell in love, so, so hard, and I still can’t quite comprehend how or why I did, but man… we were probably both so wounded. I don’t know what wounds he had that he needed to heal for himself, but they certainly took their toll on our relationship.

I know the break up was much needed, and inevitable. I have pages and pages filled with words of healing, growing and learning. But in moments like these, moments like today, the moments that catch me off-guard? I lament for what could have been. He was my best friend, once upon a time. I just wish… that things could have turned out differently for us. That’s all.

I let myself cry for a little bit because I need to let myself grieve, I know I can’t bottle this up because it will turn into a wound and I know I can’t let things fester in my heart and soul anymore so, I’m just letting the tears pour as they do. There’s so much I wish I could have just said to him now, but I can’t bring myself to open up that box, not when I’ve put a lid on it all and put it away.

I haven’t missed him in all of these months and I haven’t thought of him much either, because I managed to successfully compartmentalize what our relationship was to me, and I put it away in the back of my mind. Today, the tightly sealed lid fell off a bit, but after tonight it’s going to go back on. I just needed to let myself feel it though, at least for a night.

It just goes to show, I’m still healing. And it’s not the kind of healing where you slap on a Band-Aid and voila, you’re cured! No, this is the kind of healing that will be on-going for quite some time, and I guess this was the universe’s way of bringing that to light. No hard feelings towards the universe though. Things happen exactly as they’re meant to.

It’s only been about five months. Things have gotten easier, sure. But, out of sight, out of mind, right? Things are easier to not think about when they’re not in your life directly.

What a day it’s been.

I have a long week ahead of me, but I think I’ll talk more about that tomorrow. Tomorrow’s my last real day off for quite some time to come, I think. I’d better make the most of it. But for now, I think I’ve earned some well-deserved rest.

What a crazy whirlwind ride this year has been so far, is all I can really say. But, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t think I’ve done as much growing and learning in the past five or six years of my life than I have in this one year alone. I’m thankful, and eternally grateful for everything the universe has brought to me so far, and in this life. Thank you.

I’ll write sometime tomorrow!

I love me, I just wanted to say that. You’ve been through some crazy shit girl. Just keep your head up, through it all, as you always have okay? Love you.

Love,

Me.

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