Day 135 – May 15th, 2017

Hey. Okay so, tomorrow is officially my first day at my new job and… I’m fucking terrified. I avoided thinking about it for the past week or so and somehow managed to fool myself into thinking I was okay with it all, but the reality of the situation has caught up with me and I am freaking the fuck out.

What was I thinking, committing to something like this!? How could I make promises like this to such an industry?! I mean, I haven’t even tried it out so there’s no way of knowing whether or not I’ll like it, but to be 100% here, I’m at the point where I’m considering walking in tomorrow just so that I can tell them that I quit in person. But then thinking that makes me sad, because they all have so much faith in me.

There’s a part of me that knows that I’m looking at this through fear-goggles and it is making everything so much worse than it actually is. But I can’t seem to make it go away. I suppose it could be due to the fact that I’m choosing to dwell on all the scary parts – like how I feel like I’m nowhere near prepared despite the super intensive training, how I seem to have magically forgotten everything I learnt in training, how I feel like I’m literally throwing myself into this tomorrow without knowing how things are going to turn out. I’m so scared that I’m going to be this giant fuck-up that everyone is going to stare at and wonder about and I just, AHHHH.

They made it seem like such a well-oiled, continuously working machine of efficiency and I’m so scared that I’m going to be awkward and bumbling and slow people down, and I don’t want that. I don’t know what to do. I wish I had been more dedicated to making this work, but this past week at my regular job made me realize just how happy I have been working there, and that it’s my OWN spending habits that I need to work on.

Everywhere I look, the universe is sending me the same message in different ways – “step outside of your comfort zone, allow yourself to grow”.

And I know, you’re right universe. I know that this is what I have to do. I just wish that I was less terrified. I’m so scared, I want to cry. LOL.

Nate was right though. I don’t have any faith in myself when it comes to this, and I think that’s what my biggest problem is. I’m slowly strangling the potential and life out of this opportunity, because of how much self-doubt I harbour. Why do I think I’m going to do so badly? Is it because I haven’t prepared the way I should have? I suppose so. I could have done more.

I also don’t want to disappoint anyone, including myself. I don’t want to quit until I’ve given this a real chance. But by not preparing, by being as scared as I am, have I already killed my chances? I don’t want to think like this anymore.

I just need to dive in. Know that I’m allowed to make mistakes. Know that I’m allowed to ask for help. Let myself learn as I go.

I’m definitely, definitely overthinking this. I know I am, for sure. But, I also can’t seem to get myself to stop.

Alright me, listen up. If anything in your life is causing you this much stress and anxiety, then you need to know two things:

  1. It has the potential to incite some real growth and change for you, not to mention it’s usually the things we fear the most that end up being the most life-changing or beneficial to you.
  2. If it’s stressing you out to the point that it’s consuming you with anxiety, then it’s not worth your peace of mind. Jobs will come and go. The time you spent worrying to the point it made you sick? You can’t get that time back.

Listen – you are smart, you’re a quick learner, you’re friendly, and kind, and hospitable by nature. You mean well, and despite your self-perceived flaws (the procrastination, the laziness), you don’t let those things stop you when you really want something. Right now, fear is making you feel like you don’t want or need this. But you’re not ever going to know that, until you let yourself really give this a true chance. Go in tomorrow with the knowledge that people will be there to help you, to answer your questions, not to treat you with hostility and judgement.

This isn’t life or death – it’s a job. As a server. At a restaurant. If it doesn’t work out for you, then be okay with saying goodbye, but also being appreciative of having received the opportunity in the first place. If it doesn’t work out for you, you are not a failure and you are not incompetent. Please, please understand this fact and truly believe in it. There are going to be things in life that you do SO WELL with that make you happy, that instil you with confidence. And then, there are going to be things in life that you do, that just aren’t meant for you, and that’s perfectly okay.

You’re going to be just fine, I know you know this. That knowledge is within you. It’s up to you to really believe in it. Go in tomorrow with high energy, confidence, happiness and an eagerness to learn. Don’t go in expecting to fuck up, expecting to make mistakes or trod on toes, because what you put out into the universe is what you attract and you’ve directly witnessed this phenomenon for yourself.

Okay?

Okay.

I know that that was my inner voice talking to me just now. It’s nice to know that she’s there, I don’t think I’ve heard from her in a little while. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been actively trying to listen lately. I got to make more of an effort towards her too.

I wanted to have time to myself this summer. If this job takes away from that, I may have to let it go. Because when it comes down to it, my education should be my number one priority for myself right now, getting back on track. Money will come and go. And, if I just learn how to spend less, it will stay. Maybe that, should be my main focus this summer. Not focusing on trying to acquire more wealth. Hm.

I guess it’s just something to think about. I will put my all into tomorrow, I promise myself this. And after tomorrow, I will know if it’s meant for me or not. I promise to listen to my intuition to the best of my ability before I ask the universe for something, ever again. That being said, I am grateful, I truly am. I always will be.

Before this log, I was scrambling, wondering who I could talk to about my fears and anxieties. No one I’ve spoken to has assuaged me the way that… I seemed to be seeking, I suppose. I mean, the people I love in my life, they helped. Their endless support and encouragement was a balm for my fears, for the most part. But I forget, time and time again, that I need to look within myself. I contain all the answers I am searching for, always. I just need to look.

There was more I wanted to discuss – how Nick and I spoke today, how he told me that seeing me brought up some mixed feelings for him and how I told him about my second job and why it would have been hard for me to work with his family. But, time is slipping by quicker than I like. So, I’ll save it for my log tomorrow. I will write after my shifts! Oh man.

Universe, wish me luck. I know you’re with me on this. But still.

Remember – it’s all about putting things into perspective. Don’t forget to wear that bright ass smile of yours tomorrow, no matter what may happen, okay? I love you and I believe in you, no matter what your fear-monster may whisper into your ear. Don’t believe it. Believe in me.

Love, love, love,

Me.

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