Day 136 & 137 – May 16th + 17th, 2017

Okay so, I definitely got to say here: the amount of shit that’s been occurring over the span of the past couple days has me reeling. Like… I don’t even know man. It’s been nuts. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

So, I’ll start with… well, I meant to write about how Nick and I talked on the Monday. So I guess I’ll start with that.

We were messaging for a little bit, I guess catching up if anything. And, I ended up telling him that I got a second job. And the conversation was going fine, but then all of a sudden he was like, “so you’d rather work two jobs than work with my family? Good to know…” and I immediately was like, “aww no, please don’t say it like that”.

Which led to me being honest about my true reasoning – how seeing his family the night before was so hard for me, because I loved them so much, and that I didn’t know how working so closely alongside them would make me feel. I told him the truth; that while I would have loved to work for them, I just didn’t know if I could handle it.

He understood, and then he said that seeing me the night before also brought back mixed feelings for him as well, so he agreed that maybe I made the right choice.

I was so, so tempted to ask, “What kind of mixed feelings?” But that’s not a box I should open at this point, I know better. So I let it be.

Since then, we’ve been kind of talking briefly, but like every day, since we saw each other last. Normal conversations, all friendly. Today, we talked a little bit about the past.

I don’t know, I don’t think much of it I guess. I know where I stand, I know I can’t go back, and I know I agreed to be friends. Us talking, it’s not bothering me. But I also don’t want to get used to it. So, I’m going to have to keep a wary eye on that, that’s for sure.

Okay so, yesterday. Tuesday, May 16th.

First of all, when I woke up, I was so nervous about my shifts at my new job that I cried, LOL. And, I was pretty much ready to walk in, thank them for the opportunity, but politely decline and get the fuck out of there. That’s how much anxiety I was suffering through, because of it.

But! I FUCKING DID IT. I forced myself to go through with it, and you know what? I SURVIVED. It was tough. I fucked up a couple times (not badly though, thank god). But I managed to make it through, and I got to meet some pretty incredible people. I let myself try it, just like I promised myself I would.

That being said. Do I like it? Honestly, no. I can’t put my finger on it. I mean, the fast pace I could handle. And I even liked how busy I was because of how quickly time passed. I was able to get by. People were impressed by the fact that that was the first time I’ve ever served before. And, everyone was so helpful, and so friendly. It’s definitely very team-oriented. So why am I still hesitating? Why do I feel like I still need to give it this week before I make a decision?

It’s not that I can’t deal with how hard it is, because I proved to myself that I could. I just, don’t like it. Maybe because that’s the mind frame that I walked into it with. But we’ll see! Maybe this week will change that for me.

There was a point that I was doing something, where I paused to laugh at myself (good-naturedly, of course). I was so nervous that I was going to puke, before my shifts. I wanted to quit, I didn’t want to work, and I was so, so inexplicably terrified. But I did it. I really did. And I couldn’t be prouder of myself.

No matter what ends up happening with this, at least now I can have some peace of mind knowing that I didn’t give up, or back down. If I do leave, I’ll know it’s simply because I didn’t like it and it wasn’t for me – not because I was incapable or incompetent. I really CAN do anything I set my mind to. I really do deserve to have faith in myself.

Anyways, that’s about it for that. I have another night shift tomorrow (my stomach’s already in knots about it – another thing I don’t like about this job, the residual anxiety). But I know now that it’ll be fine. So we’ll see how things go.

Now, for the truly fucked up part of yesterday that is now going to make me cringe every time I read the last 4 months of these logs.

So, the girl who hired me for this new job, her name is Caroline. She and I used to work together at my regular job, but it wasn’t for her, so she left and joined this industry and she’s definitely thriving there for sure. She’s gorgeous, and Italian, and about 30 I think! But, she looks around my age though, cause she’s very petite.

She’s really, really nice – she stayed with me for most of my shifts, guiding me and making sure that I was comfortable and gently reminding me of stuff when I forgot to do things. She was such a huge help.

Anyways, at the end of my first shift, she was teaching me how to sign out, and we were standing side by side. All of a sudden, her phone lit up with a DM, and I couldn’t help but sneak a peek since it was right there. Not to mention, the name of the person who DM’d her immediately caught my attention because…

It was Dylan.

She happened to leave her phone down like that, and it stayed lit up long enough for me to see the message. He was replying to her story (it was of her dog), and he said something like, “So when is our belated doggy date happening?”

Okay so, multiple things here. That one message contains a multitude of possibilities: that they’ve been talking from before, or planned a hang out, and he was asking her out again. That maybe they’ve already hung out. That he’s interested in her. That he’s definitely into older women (hello, ten year difference).

But the one thing that’s for sure, amongst all the possibilities?

He was never interested in me.

Why do I say that? For this simple fact alone: in all the time we’ve known each other, been talking, that I’ve been single, in these past months – he’s had ample opportunity to ask me out, as casually as he asked out Susan even. But he never has. And now, I really don’t think he ever will.

Which is totally fine! He never suggested anything otherwise to me, we weren’t “talking”, we weren’t even flirting in all honesty. He never made it seem like it was anything out of the realm of friendship for us, not once. I’m not mad, or jealous, or whatever. I don’t care about that. He owed me nothing.

I’m the one who let myself get so caught up in my feelings. I’m the one who let my heart run rampant with the idea of it all, who read too deeply into things that probably weren’t even there to begin with.

That being said, I’m not mad at myself either, and I don’t blame me, because I know me. I know how I get when it comes to crushing on a guy, I know how deeply I care and how deeply I invest in the potential I see. I get carried away.

Earlier this weekend, I asked the universe for help. For a sign. Well, I got it alright. It may not have been the sign that I wanted to see, but it was the one that I asked for. Because now, I have clarity. I have certainty again.

I am certain, that I was truly meant to spend this time directly all of my energies, time, and feelings, solely at myself for the time being. Despite the fact that I was healing, growing and learning within this time, I did invest quite a bit of my feelings in someone else, so shortly after having ended my relationship. I guess it was just too soon. Clearly, I still have a long ways to go.

And so, the time has come to say goodbye to this crush, and these feelings, for good. I knew what I wanted, but it wasn’t meant for me, and that’s evident now. Maybe I was meant to meet him, just so that I could realize the things I did around the time I ended my relationship. That I wanted more. But that’s all.

It’s going to take some time, I’m sure. He’ll be working this weekend and the next, but after that I’m sure I won’t see him for a while, so that’ll be helpful. Out of sight, out of mind right.

There aren’t any hard feelings. I don’t think any less of him. He’s young, and gorgeous, and I’m sure right now he knows he could have anyone he wants and he’s going to make the most of that while he can. And he totally should. He’s still trying to figure things out for himself as it is.

I always said that if things didn’t work out, I wouldn’t mind just being friends, and I meant that. He’s a good person. So now, it’s time to transition back into looking at him from simply a friendly perspective. I’m sure I can do it.

All of that being said, I must admit – IT HURT. Like, a punch in the gut. The self-doubt began to creep in quietly, wondering what was so wrong with me that he couldn’t ask me to hang out, if even casually. Or, why did I have such bad luck when it comes to guys. But I know better now. I told the self-doubt to take a hike, and not to come back. It’s not welcome here anymore.

I know that none of that has anything to do with me. It’s just, the will of the universe and the way that things happened to unfold.

Anyways, that’s about it for catching up! Today, I’ve got work in the afternoon, so I think I’m going to eat something and catch an episode of The Client List, which I am now obsessed with.

What a week so far! And it’s not over yet. In a weird way, despite all the crazy, I’m kind of excited for whatever will happen next. Am I nuts? Possibly! But, at least I’m not bitter, angry at the universe, or down about any of it.

On the contrary – I am grateful. I always will be.

In all honesty, I probably won’t find any time to write tomorrow because I have a shift at my regular job and then I’m going to the new one right after that. So, I’ll write when I get a chance on Friday. Wish me luck for the rest of this week!

Until then,

Love,

Me.

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