Day 140 + 141 – May 20th & 21st, 2017

It’s pretty crazy how much can happen over the span of just two days.

Every time I start a new log after not having written for a while, I always pause for a moment and wonder, “where do I even begin? How can I possibly put into words all that I’ve experienced over the course of a couple days without missing anything?”

But I mean, I manage to do so each and every time, regardless. Just, taking a step back to really consider all the things that took place, it’s pretty mind-boggling sometimes.

But first, before I begin – how am I? I want to do a bit of a check in with myself because I’m feeling that “muddled” feeling again.

Well, it’s been a pretty good weekend. Work was good because it was just at my regular job today, and I can handle that, after all the years I’ve been there. I did pretty well today too, despite all of the negative energy that was floating around the department today. Now that I’m actively trying to practice not taking anything personally as well as not giving a fuck about things that don’t deserve my care, I feel like an invisible shield has been put up around me and all the bullshit kind of just, falls off of it when it tries to hit me. It’s a good feeling. I can keep on smiling, because I know at the end of the day, none of the little petty stuff truly matters.

It’s Sunday, which means a new week is dawning with new possibilities. But also, new challenges. I’m getting ahead of myself now, so I think I’m going to start with everything I experienced in these past two days.

Let’s see… so yesterday was Saturday. In the morning, we took a road trip down to Olivia’s camp so that we could bring her home for the weekend, and it was nice! The beach near the camp has stunning crystal blue waters (I know, surprising for Ontario) and I got to dip my feet in a bit which was really, really good for my soul. Man, how I miss the beach.

It was good to see Olivia, but while I’m on that topic – I don’t think her being at home is good for her anymore. I think it makes her feel stagnant, which in turn makes her feel irritable. The camp is definitely becoming a good experience for her, as it’s challenging her in all the best ways and bringing out new aspects of herself that she never even knew she had, and old ones that she had forgotten. But man, I hope she does come home at the end of it all, that she’ll be okay with being home again. For now, I understand the irritability – I felt the same way when I came home from Hawaii. It took me a while to snap out of my funk. It’s so hard to settle back into an old routine when you know you that spiritual and life-changing experiences lay just beyond your fingertips.

Anyways, she’ll be going back soon, and the house will go back to its usual quiet, and I shall have to go back to being content with my own company, but you know what? I think I’m well on my way as it is. But more on this later.

So we got home in the afternoon, and then I got ready for work. Knowing that I was most likely going to see Dylan for a brief moment, I definitely put some effort into getting ready, LOL.

When I got to work, he wasn’t there for a while because he was at podium, but eventually he did end up making his way back into the department.

It was fine – I stayed casual, said hello, gave him a hug as per usual. He was surprised I was there because he’d seen my snap story of the lake and was surprised that I was at work at all. But skipping all the small talk…

He asked me how my new job was going, and I talked about it briefly, but also emphasized how Caroline had been helping me so much and how much I appreciated it, in an effort to see what his reaction would be like. Boy, was I surprised.

He immediately brought up how they lived quite close to one another, and brought up how he had messaged her the other day to ask for a doggy date, because her pup was adorable. We kept getting interrupted at this point, so I couldn’t reply anything to that but… I was quite surprised he had said anything about it at all.

The way he casually brought it up made it seem like it was so much friendlier than I had read into it, when I saw the message crop up on her phone. I’ll admit I was relieved but it also made me wonder – why was I meant to see that message at all in the first place then?

Which made me realize – there was quite literally nothing else that would have allowed me to become aware of how deeply I had my head up my own ass about this. No seriously, I was in deep. Way too much so, and seeing that message was the reality check that I so badly needed.

Nevertheless, I still don’t feel the same after having seen that, and now knowing what I know. Even if it was friendly – why hasn’t he asked me out in the same way, even if it was casual and totally platonic? I hadn’t even known that he and Caroline were close enough for him to want to walk their dogs together, you know? And he and I have been sorta-kinda friends for a couple months now, I guess. Granted, we don’t see each other often and know only mostly surface stuff about one another, but still. It comes down to the possible fact that he’s simply not interested and I have to know how to be okay with that.

So, I am. He was in today as well and yes, I did openly make an effort to strike up a conversation at one point, mostly out of curiosity I guess. And it was fine. Just, fine.

Since I can be totally honest with myself here, I guess I’ve just lost hope when it comes to this. On the bright side, I’m not naively head over heels anymore with my head tucked away in the sand. But at the same time now, I can’t help but feel that the universe is telling me that my purpose for having met him has been fulfilled, and now it just is what it is. And that it won’t be more than it is now.

But, that’s okay. I’m thankful, always grateful to the universe. I’m thankful for the way he once used to look at me, like… I was unlike any girl he’d ever met. The look that made me want more than what I was settling for, at that time. I’m thankful for the book he brought into my life, The Alchemist, that opened my eyes to the universal language of the world, omens, and also being in tune with my intuition and my sense of self.

And in all honesty, having heard multiple times from both Luna and Sera, that Dylan has things that he needs to work on for himself? I finally believe in that.

Whatever I saw this week is the reason I have to be okay with really letting go now. I promised myself that once I knew that this wasn’t meant for me, that I would do exactly that. So, that’s that. I’ve gained a great new friend, and hopefully I’ll get to know him better as time goes on. And if not, that’s perfectly okay as well.

For the first time in a long while, I can actually feel that desire to be alone rising up somewhere within me. The desire to not be with anyone, the longing to actually just be on my own, truly, without engaging in anything with anyone for any reason. I have so many other things I’d like to focus on, and I simply don’t want to add any further to my plate than necessary.

But last night, was a bit of a different story, LOL.

So I made out with a very good looking guy at the club that I went to last night, and was it ever fun. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything like that before, like ever, so that was a nice first. But in all honesty, he wasn’t a fantastic kisser so it wasn’t like… fireworks, or anything. Just, fun. I love kissing but if it isn’t done the way I like, then it doesn’t do much for me.

Which in turn, made me kind of sad. Granted, this is the first guy I’ve kissed since Nick but… I really hope that Nick won’t be the guy I end up comparing every other guy to. It’s just, man did he ever know how to kiss!!!! Like, so perfectly amazingly passionately well. I hope to God with every fiber of my being that I will have someone like that again.

Speaking of, he hasn’t messaged me since Friday. I wonder if he realized that we were talking quite literally every day since we’d seen each other last. Hopefully, he got whatever mixed feelings he had out of his system and is back on track to moving on, the way he was before.

LOL, I say that so airily but… I have to admit to myself. Talking to him like that… I missed it. It reminded me a lot of how things used to be for us: the funny memes, the stupid jokes, the banter. Our weird senses of humour that somehow managed to match up, despite how dark his humour could get sometimes. Even venting to him about my new job, and having him being able to relate. It was… nice. Too nice. I’m glad he stopped messaging because I don’t think I would have had to heart to tell him to stop, even though I knew it was potentially getting to a point of danger.

This silence is just what’s best for us in order for us to truly continue moving on. It’s way too easy for us to fall back into our old habits, and unfortunately our good friendship is one of the old habits our relationship entailed.

It’s at least nice to know that we are on good terms, I guess.

And I’m glad I went with my gut and didn’t take that job he offered. I now know that the possibility of old feelings coming back, that’s a real risk for me. I can’t have that happen. I won’t go back. I can’t.

Anyways, I think I’ve covered just about everything, and I’ve finally arrived at the last point that I wanted to cover in this log: I am quitting my new job.

Last week was pretty much hell for me. I got sick, I couldn’t sleep without dreaming about serving or the POS system, I was anxious and stressed, and although I didn’t mind the body pain so much because it felt like a good after-work out burn, my feet really were killing me quite a bit.

It’s just not for me. I’m not an efficient multi-tasker, I never have been. I know what my strengths are.

I’m a little nervous about quitting, but like Sera said – I tried it out, it wasn’t for me, and that’s okay. I don’t owe anyone anything.

Hopefully I won’t have to work that double shift tomorrow, I know I’m going to be miserable if I do. So, I’m just going to find the first leader I can, and be honest as humanly possible, and see how things go. I’m pretty sure that they can’t force me to do anything against my will anyways, so a stern reminder to myself right now: don’t be too nice. Make sure you’re firm about your intentions and what you want. This isn’t a negotiation – I don’t need or want less hours. I don’t want to compromise. While it’s been an amazing opportunity that I will always be thankful for having received, it’s simply not for me and I have to accept that. They have to accept that.

I’m proud of me though. I survived at least a week of it, I went through with it despite my fear and anxiety making me want to quit without giving it a shot.

That’s about it! Hopefully all goes well tomorrow, and if it does, I’m going to find myself with a lot more free time this week and I couldn’t be happier.

I would like to start implementing some real meditation to my days, once I have all this new-found time. I want to connect with me, find things to do that I genuinely like, and be productive.

I have a good feeling about this summer, I really do.

Anyways, I’ll write tomorrow after… whatever does occur tomorrow, LOL.

Wish me luck!

Love, love, love,


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