Day 146 – May 26th, 2017

Hello, hello!!!!!!!! Okay so, today turned out to be an absolutely amazing day for multiple reasons!!!! And man… I don’t know, I’m just… in awe? Constantly!! Of the universe. It’s just so incredible. Let’s start with the beginning.

So this morning, I woke up pretty nervous about having to pick up my paycheque from the restaurant. But, I got ready as per usual, and when I got there, I walked in with my head held high and smiling, just like Sera told me to do.

I headed upstairs and didn’t see anyone, so I ran into the back room to grab my paycheque really quickly. The night manager who I had my resignation talk with passed it to me without much of a glance my way, and that was that. I left the back room, relieved to be in and out so quickly.

I did run into a couple people that helped train me (namely the super cute guy who helped me out a lot, who incidentally hugged my goodbye twice), and told them I was leaving, (which in retrospect is extremely amusing, oh boy).

As I was walking out towards the staircase, I looked up to notice that Nate, the GM who hired me… was sitting right at the table beside the stairs. He greeted me, and asked me to come sit with him for a bit so that we could talk, LOL. Heart sinking from nerves, I approached him and took a seat.

But the conversation we had? I’m still reeling from a good kind of shock.

He asked me what happened, and I told him that I just felt that the industry wasn’t for me, and he asked me why. I brought up how he pointed out before, how self-aware I am, and I told him that in knowing myself, I just didn’t feel like serving was the right fit for me, at the end of the day.

He was so nice, and so friendly about it all. He said that he wasn’t the best server either way back when, and that it wasn’t the reason he ended up staying in that industry – it was because he genuinely loved people, and talking to people, and he could see that I loved it too. He commented on my bubbly personality, how open and friendly I was, and how I was always smiling and how he hoped that never changed. He insisted that he couldn’t let someone like me walk out the door, not when he hired me for a reason.

So, he asked me what I thought about becoming a part of the guest service team, as a hostess. Curiosity suddenly piqued, I asked him what it entailed.

He explained that I would be responsible for the flow of the restaurant, ensuring that the guests were seated and that sections weren’t over-seated, as well as just being my friendly and smiling self at the door, greeting guests and making them feel welcome. And also, booking reservations as well. I think I can do that!

He also mentioned that he would start my pay at $15 an hour, which was just about how much some of the leaders made. AND, if I did well with it, he’d raise it up to $20 – $21 an hour… UM. I legitimately stared at him in shock.

I just can’t believe my luck sometimes! I quit, like legitimately quit, handed in all my stuff and… here I was, getting a yet another job offer AND a raise, and a personal request to stay, from the GM. I’m so, so blessed and THANKFUL. So, so thankful.

Someone, somewhere out there, believes that I deserve this. So, why can’t I feel that way too?

Dan kept saying how he wished I could see for myself, what he can see in me. He said that he can see all this potential in me to be so much better than where I am now, and that I can totally break through whatever glass ceiling I’ve created for myself, if I just let me. And he’s not the only person who has said something like that to me today.

These people can see something in me that… I can’t seem to quite see myself. Why is that? Why don’t I believe in myself the way that these people do? What are they seeing in me that I don’t see? And, why can’t I see it?

I really and truly want to believe in myself as deeply as all these people do. I have this feeling that I know they’re right so… I know that I have that potential too, deep down. I know I do. I was put on this Earth for some reason, and I know I’m going to figure it out. I just wish I spent more time believing in myself that doubting myself, you know? But one day. One day, I’ll get there and believe in myself and my capabilities as deeply as my friends and even strangers do.

It warms my heart and makes me want to cry, how passionately these people have told me how deserving I am of something better. How much potential they see in me for good. It makes me want to be better, you know? Not just to prove it to them. But to show it to me. That I can do this. If I just believe in myself and push myself for more. I can really and truly achieve so much, if I just guide myself along and don’t. give. up.

I’m so immensely happy to have met the people I have, in this life. I’m so lucky and so blessed and I hope that universe knows that I don’t take it for granted, I really don’t.

I’m bawling my eyes out like a baby right now, LOL. I’m just so overwhelmingly happy. I don’t know what I did to deserve all of these blessings in my life – the people, the opportunities. The love and faith and encouragement.

I need to spend more time thanking people and telling people how grateful I really am. Life’s too short. My mom said that today, out of the blue, while we were talking. And she’s so very right. We forget that quite often.

Anyways, back to the conversation! After that, he looked at me and asked what I thought. And, I agreed, and told him I would try it out. And I apologized for initially being so impulsive without thinking things through, but he was fine about it. We shook hands, and I told him I would bring him my new schedule so that he could know my availability for training as a hostess, and that’s that. I’m back. LOL.

Everyone’s going to think I’m nuts, for sure. But that’s okay. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me, only what I think of me, ultimately. And, despite all the craziness of this week… I’m proud of me. I’m happy for me. I’m glad that people can see in me, what I sometimes don’t see in myself, and bank a chance on me based just off of that.

I really have to remember to thank him the next time I see him, holy crap. I don’t think opportunities like that are given to just anyone. I’m very, very lucky.

So, I’m back to having two jobs! I hope that it won’t drive me crazy again, but it seems as though I won’t be doing as much this time around, so that’s good. Plus now my first job is heading into that time of year where we basically do nothing, so it’ll be fine.

Next! I watched the last Pirates movie by myself today in theatres and it was so, so magical! I had SO MUCH FUN on my own!!!! I laughed, I cried, I yelled a little at some unexpected parts and I was just so truly happy to be by myself, honestly. I got to share that experience with just me, and I’ll never forget it.

I caught myself thinking about half way through the movie – this is one of the best days I’ve experienced this year. And I truly meant it. That’s how happy I was.

Later on in the day, I had my work shift with some great people, which was just the perfect cherry on top of this amazing day.

All in all? I’m blessed man. I really am. I’m so happy and thankful and grateful.

This weekend is Chloe’s birthday celebration, and then I’m going to sleep over since I’m off on Sunday, which will be nice. Also, tomorrow is a work event… which means I’m seeing a certain someone, possibly for the last time in a really long while.

I’m at a bit of a loss when it comes to him. All week, I’ve been begging myself to let go. To let go of the feelings, of the idea of him, of everything. Of all of it. Of him. And I knew it was going to take time. I know it will, but…

Why do I have the sudden urge to ask him to hang out some time, when we end up saying goodbye to one another?

I keep telling myself that he’s obviously not interested, or not looking for a relationship right now. So why isn’t any of that logic making my heart stop feeling this way?

Maybe it’s because I’m an eternal hopeless romantic and no matter what I try to do, or what I tell myself, I can’t kill the hopes of my heart, even when I try to beat it to death with the baseball bat that is the logic of my brain.

I really liked him. I liked the conversations, I liked the way he looked at me. I liked how he made me feel without even realizing. I liked the idea of maybe getting to know him, the real him, past all of the professionalism that work entails from us.

Luna says I should just see how tomorrow goes first. I’m going to meditate tomorrow before my shift, really center myself and prepare myself to really hear what the universe is telling me to do, on this. I’m going to try my hardest to tune out the fear and the self-doubt, while trying to be realistic and practical too. I want to hear my intuition as clearly as I possibly can. So, we’ll see. Will I choose fear tomorrow? Or will I finally hear the universe through myself, and go along with what it tells me? Only time will tell.

I think that’s about it for today! I probably won’t get a chance to write tomorrow, so I’ll write when I get home on Sunday. Oh man… wish me luck. I don’t even quite know for what, really. But, for some reason, I feel like I need it so… good luck, self. You got this. Whatever “this” ends up being.

Believe in yourself. Let yourself see all the good in you, that everyone else sees in you. Believe in what they say. Bask in it. Okay?

Okay.

I promise me this, now – I know I wasn’t always there for you, the way I should have been. But, I promise you this – I will always be with you, from now until the end of time, in your corner. I will never put you down again, never criticize or doubt you. I BELIEVE IN YOU. I love you.

That was nice. I hugged myself a little there, because man, I don’t think I shower myself in the self-love I keep preaching about to everyone else. I really do need to actively implement it in everything I do and say to myself. Until it becomes my first nature to do so.

Time for sleep now! Today, Friday May 26th, 2017, was a really, really good day. Remember that.

Love,

Me.

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