Day 147, 148 + 149 – May 27th, 28th, & 29th

Hello! So the weekend has come and gone, and now it’s Monday night. It’s funny – I was so sure that I hadn’t written on Friday, but I did! Which means, all I have to catch up on today is Saturday (great day, btw), and Sunday, which isn’t too much.

Okay so! First of all, how am I right now?

Pretty good actually! Today was a great day, worked with some of my favourite people and it was a pretty slow and uneventful day. Oh, I got scheduled for my ]orientation at te restaurant for my new position! It’s Thursday at 3:30 PM. I’m a little nervous about it, but more on that later. I’ll start with Saturday!

So, let’s see… Saturday was a big work event, so everyone was bustling around and quite busy at first. But, quite literally everyone I know was in, so it was fun.

I know I told myself in the previous logs that I wanted to let go of my feelings for Dylan, because I’m so sure he’s not into me the way that I’m into him. But man… literally seeing him from across the department made my heart skip a beat, when he first came in. What is it about him that makes me feel like this!?! I still don’t know him as well as I’d like to, so why am I like this? Sigh.

Anyways, he eventually made his way over to me to give me a hug and say hi. And we joked around a bit – he asked me if I was going to present at the show as well (the event was a presentation), and I said I’d have ended up telling a scary story and scaring everyone out of the building, and he joked that I probably would have summoned a demon, which made me die of laughter. But then he also joked that if I had sang it instead, that everyone would have definitely stayed, which was pretty sweet of him to say. (I think his mom told him about my impromptu karaoke session at our girl’s night out).

My brain is rolling its eyes at me for going into detail about our exchanges again, but I literally can’t help it because of how happy they make me. Even the smallest of conversations make my stomach flip. Man, no matter how much I told myself in my previous logs to let go, I’ve got it pretty damn bad for this dude. But I mean, look at how the rest of this day progressed:

He ended up telling me about a dilemma he was in, in terms of his future travel plans; he has just about enough to travel to his dream destination Thailand, but is waiting on a bet to come through on the NHL finals in order to get the rest of the money he needs. So, he asked me whether he should wait it out and go to Thailand, or if he should book a trip to a lesser expensive and different destination. I suggested that if he won his bet, then it was a sure-fire omen that he was meant to go to Thailand, and that he should book it for sure if he wins. But if they didn’t, that he should still travel somewhere else, somehow. Thailand would always be there for him, whenever he was meant to go. He agreed, and we pinky-sweared on it.

Later on in the day, while Luna and I were on break, when we passed by Jack & Jones, I remembered that Chronic Ink was doing a pop-up shop and stopped dead when I saw an artist tattooing a sleeve onto a guy, right in the middle of the store. Curiosity immediately piqued, Luna and I went in to check it out.

We met this guy (who was actually pretty cute) who ended up talking to us for a little while about their vision and what not, and what they were doing there. I was immediately tempted to get some ink done, since they were there and since they’re so insanely reputable in the online community and on social media and whatnot. I follow their work, and man, the passion in their pieces just speak for themselves. Getting tatted by any of them would pretty much be both an honour and a dream come true.

When Luna and I headed back to the department, the first thing I did was race over to Dylan to tell him, since I know we’re both into tattoos and since we both follow Chronic Ink. As soon as I caught his eye as I was approaching him, I pretty much ran over to him while he and Diego were in mid-conversation and excitedly told him about the pop-up and how they were currently tattooing a sleeve on someone right that moment, and how I was kind of tempted to get something done myself since they were taking walk-ins. (At this point, I can hear Diego right behind us, talking about how cute we were because of how excited we were and I was sincerely hoping that Dylan hadn’t overheard Diego, LOL).

We went further into the department to talk about it, and I don’t quite know how it happened – I don’t recall if he asked or if I suggested it or if the conversation naturally went there, but next thing I knew, we agreed to go check it out right that moment, together. I think he’s the one who brought up going to check it out, and I’m the one who volunteered to go with him, but either way, it worked out perfectly fine.

Trying to hide my immense excitement and act normal, I dawdled for a bit while he helped out a customer who was also one of his training buddies, and after that, we left together.

While we walked there, he told me a story about one of the guys in his training gym so we pretty much talked the whole way there. No awkward silences or anything of the like, which made me happy. He was pretty much down to get his tattoo done right then and there, but the piece he wanted (the realistic looking crown) was a little too big and too detailed for such a small timeframe. Either way, he ended up talking to a guy who does those kinds of pieces, which was a great coincidence. And I marked myself down for a possible time slot for later in the evening, because I realized a tattoo that I could get in that moment.

After fourteen years of amazing adventures, laughter, tears, sword fights, and witty banter, I thought it would be appropriate to immortalize my love for Jack Sparrow and my deep love for the Pirates movie saga, by getting Jack’s signature sparrow tattoo on my inner right forearm, in the exact place he has his. In all honesty, I feel like that’s been a tattoo idea I’ve had since the first movie, and only now has it become fitting since the series has drawn to its epic close.

We walked back together, talking about how cool it was that they were there and that we got to talk with them. Dylan was heavily considering going back and putting in a deposit with them in order to secure an appointment time with the guy he was talking to, especially after checking out his work. But, he wanted to discuss the idea with his mom first since he knew she gave the best advice (I agreed). I told him that I was heavily considering going through with getting the tattoo, and I explained the significance of the movie series to me since I’d grown up with it, and although I was kind of embarrassed about it, he found it pretty cool.

As we walked around the department to kill time, we both agreed that we supported each other’s tattoo ideas and decisions, which was super cute to me LOL. I ended up taking out the money for the tattoo after talking to Leila and my cousins about it, and he said he admired my “gutsiness”. (More like my tendency to be impulsive).

Eventually, he did end up going back to put in a deposit for his tattoo because we both realized that this was a huge, huge opportunity that we were lucky to come across. He booked his appointment for July 7th, which he’s super lucky to have done because the guy he booked it with usually has appointments booked through until 2018, holy shit. I’m so glad for him, and excited! It’s going to look so insanely good.

After a while, his shift ended so he came over to say goodbye and I hugged him for a little while longer than necessary to tell him that if I didn’t see him for a while, I hoped he had fun in Florida (he’s going again in a couple weeks). He told me to text him if I ended up getting my tattoo later that night, and I told him I would, and that I’d snapchat him too.

I didn’t end up getting my tattoo because the wait was too long and I had to go to Chloe’s, but I did end up booking myself in for an appointment in less than two weeks! I’m so excited. I can’t wait to say that I got tatted by people at Chronic Ink! And, everyone there was so friendly; I ended up getting featured on their Instagram story, hung around for a bit and ended up in an hour long conversation with one of the guys there (the one who talked to me and Luna, initially) about life, and self-awareness, and relationships, and whatever else came to mind.

Actually, while I’m on this note – the conversation with this guy was probably one of the best conversations I’ve had in a really long time. We’ve both read The Untethered Soul, and we’re both on a newfound pathway to consciousness and self-awareness. Like honestly, if I didn’t have somewhere to go that night, I wouldn’t have minded letting that conversation go on and on as it could have – we literally didn’t run out of things to say to one another, and I was actually genuinely interested in some of the ideas that he brought up in regards to relationships, as well as his own personal experiences. All in all, I really do love getting to know new people. And, he was pretty darn cute LOL.

Anyways, I left after a while, and texted both Dylan and Sera that I didn’t get the tattoo but that I was booked in for an appointment. I also added to Dylan, to check out their Instagram story since I was featured on it hehe.

He ended up replying later on, that although it was bittersweet it was definitely more sweet than bitter since we both got to get booked in for appointments. And he also said I should be compensated for great advertising after checking out their Instagram story and seeing me on it, which made me laugh.

I really wish I was a better texter, LOL. The conversation kind of dwindled after that, but all in all?

So much for letting go, is what my brain is sarcastically saying to me in this moment.

I love that he loves tattoos. Nick never liked that aspect about me, but man is it ever refreshing to have met a guy who actually finds tattoos just as cool as I do.

Look brain – I tried okay? I tried to let go, tried to build my walls up again to protect myself, tried to forget these feelings and pretend that I don’t have the biggest crush on this guy. But it’s not easy, not when it’s so easy to get excited about stuff that I know we both like, not when I literally can’t stop myself from lighting up with a ten-thousand watt smile when I see him because of the sudden gymnastics my heart and stomach decided to engage in at that very moment. It’s HARD.

And it’s been months, too. If I’m actually going to detox my heart out of this crush, it’s going to take at least half the amount of time I’ve spent in this crush, to get out of it. And even that’s difficult to do because he’s been getting more hours lately and that means I’ve been seeing him more often than I thought I would. Not that I’m complaining though. But my brain is.

It’s an all-out war between my heart and my brain now. My heart is refusing to let go of this, and my brain is getting exasperated. My brain wants to let go because she thinks that we’re ultimately going to get hurt, even if it’s indirectly so. She also thinks that this is a waste of time because she thinks that these feelings are totally one-sided and not reciprocated in the slightest, hence why she’s so afraid of us getting hurt, indirectly.

But my heart? My heart keeps daydreaming about future conversations and past moments, and endless possibilities. She keeps reliving the way she skips a beat when he locks eyes with me, even though my brain doesn’t want to picture these things. My heart is an unyielding, die-hard eternal romantic, and is a force of nature that cannot be stopped, not even by the deepest of pains that we’ve experienced in our years of living. So on the one hand, I’ve got to hand it to my heart – I admire the way that she continues on, no matter how deeply afraid my brain might be.

I don’t quite know whose side I’m on in this moment. I get annoyed with my heart sometimes, I’ll admit, but also with my brain too. I dislike the amount of fear I experience by the terrifying “what if” scenarios that my brain likes to run by me, at random times. And I also dislike the way I catch myself daydreaming about ridiculous romantic scenarios that aren’t very likely to happen, because of my heart.

I’m aware of both how I feel and what I think. I’m aware of how they’re both contradicting, at this time. My brain needs solid, substantial proof that this isn’t a waste of my time (and feelings), before she can be even relatively okay with any of this. But my heart doesn’t need proof and she doesn’t care about timeframes – she can get a little impatient sometimes, but it’s only because she’s so resolute when she knows what she wants. The only reason she hasn’t done anything about any of this, is because my brain has been successful in holding her back.

I wonder who’s right when it comes to this. Is my brain right? Am I wasting my time and feelings? Is all of this really one-sided and unreciprocated? Or is my heart right, that there could be something more if I just allowed myself to really find out?

I’m curious. No matter what ends up happening, no matter who ends up being right, I’m going to be here for myself 100%, full support. I’m not going to let my brain berate my heart for having these feelings, and I’m not going to let my heart get angry at my brain for letting fear hold us all back, because inevitably, she was only trying to protect us because she wants what’s best for us all.

In the end, I love every aspect of myself, no matter how much inner conflict may occur. I myself am in no rush, no matter what either my heart or brain my say. So, that’s that. I’ll just go along with things as they happen. My heart won a little battle this weekend by moving past the fears of my brain, by allowing us to go to J&J with Dylan when the opportunity arose. And, it worked out amazingly well. So there, brain, see? It’s not all doom and gloom when it comes to this.

Anyways, it’s one in the morning now which means I’m on another day’s territory. I’m going to end this year, and pick back up tomorrow (later today) about how the rest of Saturday night went, and also my Sunday (I’ve begun painting my room and I don’t know if it’s the paint fumes or my love of painting, but man is it ever relaxing as fuck. My soul is in a very happy place at this moment).

I’m off tomorrow, so I plan on making the most of my day at home. Looking forward to it!

Until tomorrow,

Love, love, love


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