Day 150 – 154 – May 30th – June 3rd, 2017

…oops. Okay, so I’m actually a little appalled at myself for not having written for the past couple days. I think it was in the back of my head, but I just never got around to it! I wouldn’t even say that this week was too busy, I think I was just either too lazy or didn’t feel the need to write? But not cool man, I started this log in the beginning of the year with the intention to write every single day, and I need to stick to that.

So, the last day I wrote was on Monday night, and I didn’t even get a chance to write about how Chloe’s birthday was or my Sunday, so I’m going to back track all the way to that and start from there.

For Chloe’s birthday, we went to her place to pre-drink and then went to Drake Hotel for a nice night out. It was nice to see everyone again after so long.

Overall, it was a really good night! It got a little crowded sometimes, but the music was good and it was fun to dance. I’d definitely have to say the best part of it all was the pizza afterwards – there’s this tiny place like almost right beside Drake Hotel called King Slice and man, they have some of the most amazingly delicious pizza I’ve ever tried. All in all, definitely a great night out.

There is one thing that I got to mention though that happened, that doesn’t hold as much significance to me now as it did then.

So around midnight, Nick messaged me about something that I remember him telling me about when we were dating, and I messaged back normally, fine with carrying on a conversation even though I was out. Except, I misspelled a word and jokingly added that I was slightly not sober, hence the spelling mistake.

All of a sudden, he abruptly ended the conversation. And it wasn’t so much that he ended the conversation – that part I didn’t care about, in all honesty it would have been cool if he all he had said was enjoy and left it at that. But, he started off with a curt “wow, never mind.”

Now, I could totally be overthinking it, the way I used to overthink the ulterior motives behind replying with just “k”, when that meant nothing at all.

But, I don’t know. It just felt really… sudden, I guess. Not what I was expecting? A “cool, have fun”, that would have been fine.

Anyways, I replied with “thanks, I think”, to which he replied, “you think right”.

Maybe the passive aggressive tone that I’m hearing in all of this is just in my head. Either way, it was weird.

Actually, you know what? No. I’m not doing this thing where I second-guess myself. It was fucking weird. I know it was. It was that “wow”. Like what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I’m not saying that it bothered me, because it didn’t. I enjoyed the rest of my night with not even a second thought to it, whatsoever. It just made me wonder, that’s all. Either way, he ended up messaging me sometime this week a couple days after, acting like that whole conversation never happened, so that was that.

I keep wondering if he has some kind of ulterior motive other than friendship behind these conversations. I know him – he plays it off pretty well but he’s actually really, really smart. And, he knows me well too. I guess I just have to keep my guard up, if even a little, and keep an eye out for that.

Anyways! That’s about it for Saturday. So Sunday, I had a nice day off and I began painting my room. I just went to Walmart right after coming home from Chloe’s, picked up a whole bunch of paint, and got to it. And man. I’m so, so glad that I did.

When I’m painting, I realized that that’s the quietest I’ve ever heard my mind become. I separate myself from the constant inner dialogue in my mind, and just let go into the quiet brushstrokes of the many colours. It’s so peaceful, calming, and relaxing. I think that’s a part of why I haven’t written though – I haven’t had any anxiety lately, or any circulating thoughts. I know I shouldn’t treat these logs solely as though they’re an outlet though, because they’re more than that.

Anyways, it’s almost done, but I’m going to touch up the mural above my bed too because I want it to match the paint style that I’ve been doing for this wall.

Now, onto this week. It’s rather unfortunate but, I actually don’t remember this week at all. It just passed by in a blur of day’s off and work, alternating between the two. I painted on my day off on Tuesday, I know that. But I can’t tell you how my work shifts were or who I even worked with because of how much of a blur it is in my head. Let this be a lesson to me – WRITE. EVERY. DAY.

By the way, I should probably mention that today is Saturday, June 3rd, 2017.

I can touch upon the bigger things that happened this week though! Let’s see…

Sometime in the middle of this week, that guy that I had that amazing conversation with at that Chronic Ink pop-up? Well, I found him on Instagram and followed him, and he followed me back. After a day or two, he sent me a DM saying that he really enjoyed our conversation and that it was really refreshing, and I agreed as well – honestly, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to talk to anyone that openly.

After that, he asked me out!!!! He asked if I would like to continue the conversation over a “warm meal or beverage”, LOL. I love how this guy speaks.

Listen, this may sound kind of nuts but… in my 24 years of living, I’ve never let myself go out on a “date” with a person I just met, ever before. Like my past two relationships obviously entailed dating – dinner, movies, whatever. But, I knew both of them before the relationship, so it wasn’t like I was ever walking into an unknown situation.

So, it took a good conversation with Luna and some serious thinking, but… I said yes! LOL.

Luna explained to me that I’m 24 now, and that I deserved to be taken out sometimes, and treated well. That I should be confident about these things, and always hold that air of confidence in everything I do. To always know that I deserve more than just “hanging out”. And, she’s right.

I’m not a teenager anymore, no matter how old I may act despite my age. Yes, I’m super young at heart and I tend to forget how old I am sometimes. But when it comes down to it, I’m well into adulthood now. It’s okay to let myself be taken out to nice dinners, enjoy someone’s company and get to know someone without any expectations for more.

I definitely need to work on my self-confidence, and I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to admit that. It’s been something that I’ve struggled with for some time. While I am comfortable and happy with myself, that shouldn’t be all that I settle for when it comes to me. I should be proud of me, confident about what I can bring to a conversation or to an experience, openly happy about everything that makes me, me. I know my capabilities. Just because I’m aware of my flaws, doesn’t mean that those are the things I should focus on.

Self-doubt is something that’s been ingrained in me for as long as I can remember. It’s the main root of my indecisiveness – not being confident enough to believe in my own decisions. I think that if I can learn to eradicate my self-doubt, that nagging little voice in my head that makes me second guess everything I do or say, then eventually the overall state of my life will change for the better as a whole.

Well, that was quite an interesting tangent to go off into! Oh, right after that conversation with Luna, I had yet another good one with Dana about fear. I asked her how I can move past it, to have it stop holding me back, and she suggested positive reinforcement – to think of all the times that I moved past my fear, and how well those times worked out for me.

And that’s actually a really good way of looking at things! I was terrified to end my relationship with Nick – now, I couldn’t be happier that I did, for the both of us. It’s moving past the fear and stepping into something new, that brings about the most change and the most movement forward, which is all I want. I never want to feel stuck again.

She also has this amazing affirmation that she says to herself on the daily that she now believes in with her entire being: “everything is working out for me”. When I asked her about it, she explained that no matter what happens in her life, good or bad, that that’s exactly how life was meant to happen for her and that things will always work out in her favour and bring her to where she needs to be. Even in the bad moments. Her unshaking belief in that affirmation was inspiring.

What’s my affirmation? I think right now it’s “everything happens for a reason”, because there’s nothing I believe in more, honestly. But, that’s a pretty generalized statement. Dana’s affirmation was something close to her, a personal belief that pertained directly to her own circumstances. I want something like that too.

Before I continue on to the rest of the events of this past week, I just want to mention here – I’ve got to get back into reading the books I have! I want to keep this positive self-growth and awareness going, and the books that have come into my life are there for a reason, I know it.

Anyways! Moving onto Thursday now, which was a really, really good day for multiple reasons. (That’s Day 152, June 1st by the way! Great start to a new month).

So I had a morning shift, and that was the day that I also had my orientation at the restaurant for my new hostess job, and I also had plans to hang out with Leila and Avery later that evening.

Also, Dylan ended up coming in earlier into his shift that day, so we got to talk for a little bit before my own shift ended. LOL at how casually I’m typing this right now, as though my heart didn’t start skipping beats the moment I saw he walked into the department.

We talked a lot for the little time that we worked together, which was really nice. He told me he heard about my new job situation from his mom, so I talked more in depth about that to him, explaining what had happened over the course of the past two weeks. I told him about my tattoo dilemma (how I was becoming unsure about placement because of how personal all of my tattoos are to me). I like that people only know that fact about me, if I choose to reveal it to them. My tattoos are all mine, close to my heart both literally and figuratively. I don’t know how I feel about having one so openly displayed to the world. I’m not ashamed about my idea for it – I’ve loved this movie series and Jack Sparrow’s character for almost 14 years. That love has been unwavering on my part, always will be.

I guess I just like that my tattoos are all mine, not for anyone else to see or judge or inquire about without my say-so. I know tattoos don’t need to necessarily have a meaning because it’s an art form that speaks for itself. But, all my tattoos do have meaning to me – they’re my stories, my loves, my beliefs, values, and ideas that I know I want to carry with me for the rest of my entire life. But above all, they’re mine. And they’re only shared with those whom I trust enough to share it with, or only displayed when I myself feel like displaying them.

Yeah, I’m definitely going to have to see if I can get the placement changed without losing my deposit LOL. While I love the idea of getting this tattoo in the same place that Jack has his, I can’t commit to that placement 100%, which means I can’t go through with something like that. I have to find another place to put it, and it’s going to have to be on my torso somehow.

My date with that guy might be tomorrow though, so maybe I can ask him, heh. I forgot to mention that part! He said we’d go to some hidden spot near Yorkdale. I still don’t know if he’s free though, because I work until 6. We’ll see!

Anyways, back to my conversation with Dylan. There was this one point when I was approaching him when all of a sudden he looked at me and said, “I was thinking of you a couple nights ago”. (Okay yes, I’m pulling this sentence out of context, but man… I nearly passed out). Basically, it was late at night earlier on in the week, and he’d been looking at pictures of New Zealand, and he asked if I knew anything about it, which I didn’t really. And he went onto explain that it was a beautiful place to visit, almost like three places in one because of its different climates.

My heart is still doing its silly little happy dance at those five little words, LOL. A small phrase, inconsequential really, but it doesn’t take much to make my heart happy. He’s also a huge Lord of the Rings and Hobbit fan, and he told me that the place they filmed the movies in was an actual place in New Zealand. He even ended up showing pictures of it to me on his phone, and I joked that it looked like that village was perfect for me (because everything was so small). He joked back that that was true, since I seemed to be about the size of a hobbit, and I DIED. THIS GUY. He’s got jokes. (Which I genuinely appreciate and enjoy – nothing gets me more than good humor).

Later on in the day though, I told him that I had been thinking of him recently as well, because I knew that the Predators weren’t doing so well in the series – they’re down 2 games to the Pens so far.

He told me that the Predator’s actually had a 90% chance of losing, so he was okay with it. But I didn’t get to ask what that meant for his bet, so I’ll ask him tomorrow (we’re both working the same shift together, basically).

He’s going to be working quite a bit this month, which is nice. The more I talk to him, the easier it is for me to get myself out my head and just, be myself with him and talk normally.

There’s something I wanted to touch upon though about this, which kind of perplexes me.

Okay so, a big reason that I was second-guessing going on this date at all (and I know this sounds nuts), is because… I feel guilty!?

About what, you ask? Well… in my weird little head and heart, when I like someone, even if they have no idea, even if nothing’s happening, even if we’re just friends with no inflection of anything more than that, even though I know full well that I don’t owe them anything since nothing is really happening, despite ALL OF THIS… I only see this person. I am, and in the truest possible sense of this phrase, a “one-guy” kind of girl. (I mean, which is great for whomever I do ultimately end up with – they will definitely NOT have to ever, ever worry about me straying.)

But right now, it’s kind of inhibiting for me. I shouldn’t have to feel guilty about going on a date with anyone right now – I’m single!!! I’m not seeing anyone, nor have I made any promises to anyone of any sort. I like Dylan, yes, I really do. But, he has no idea. And right now, we’re just friends. There isn’t anything more than that going on (probably mostly due to my own fear holding me back but, it is what it is).

This guy took the initiative to ask me out because he genuinely enjoyed a conversation with me, and I said yes because I genuinely enjoyed that conversation as well. Nothing more, nothing less.

So, even though my heart feels like she’s “spoken for”, (as though she’s a character in an old-timey movie), I’m still going to go through with this. Hey!!! This was on my summer bucket actually! To go on a date, if/when I felt ready! I’ve got to check in with that list and see how things are going actually.

I’ve gotten back to painting, agreed to go on a date, and I’ve been hanging out with my friends more now that the weather’s getting better! I’ve been reading more books, getting in touch with myself, and I got a second job as I intended to. So far, so good! I want to add more to that list as these weeks progress, and continue to knock things off of that list as this summer continues.

As for the rest of this past week? Hanging out with Leila and Avery was fun! It was nice to be reunited again – it’s been years, but it’s always been good vibes when it comes to us three. It’s going to be a bit tricky moving forward for sure though; Chloe’s not in a good place when it comes to him, and I feel like there are going to be moments here and there where Leila and I will be put in the middle. But, we’ll see how things progress over time.

Which brings me to the last day I need to catch up about – yesterday. (Day 153, June 2nd). I had a nice day off, so I spent my day painting and then headed to Mississauga to hang out with Krystal, Chloe and Adelaide. I’m so glad that I live in the middle of all my friends, despite how far they are! It makes it easy to get to them, and definitely worth it to spend time. I’m really looking forward to everything else we’ll set out to do this summer.

Anyways, that’s about everything! Today, I have a night shift at work. Tomorrow should be… interesting, to say the least, depending on what comes into being. I definitely have to write tomorrow evening, no exceptions!! And then this week, I’ve officially got a full week of work, no days off, because I work every single day at either one of my jobs. Man, I hope I can handle this… we’ll see how it goes. No matter what, my well-being is what’s most important.

How refreshing it’s been to write everything again! I didn’t realize how many thoughts collected that I wanted to express over the course of this week. Seriously, I’ve got to be more diligent when it comes to my writing. Don’t forget!

I’m looking forward to a great weekend. Here’s to some great vibes, good people and even better moments!

Love, love, love,

Me.

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