Hello! So I’m really slacking on keeping up with writing every day. I could have easily written yesterday, (which was Monday), but I chose to do other stuff instead. But, it’s fine. I’m not going to get mad at myself, I made my choice to watch the hockey game and post my older logs online instead. It is what it is! I know eventually I’ll get back into writing every day as I always have.
Anyways, I have a lot to cover and I’m not too sure I have the time because I start at my new job today! I start later in the evening, but I have to shower and get ready and that’s obviously going to take a bit of time. Not to mention, I have to leave a little earlier as well because I have to grab my new edited schedule from my regular job to bring it to my new one. No worries though.
I’m not letting myself be nervous about this anymore. Man, re-reading my older logs and seeing the torture I put myself through. It feels so good to finally be more centered when it comes to this. It’s a job. Just a job. I’m not saying I’m not going to put effort into it – I will, I’ll do my best of course. But it’s also going to be a learning process, and for once, I’m actually just excited. I feel so much calmer this time around, than I did the last time I started. That could be due to the fact that this job is appearing to be a bit easier, but I also think it has something to do with the amazing conversation I had on my date on Sunday. Actually, there were a lot of things that occurred on Sunday – so I’m going to back track and start from there.
So, Sunday June 4th. Not only did I have my date in the evening to look forward to (and somewhat stress about), Dylan was also in that day.
I was already there when he got in, and he looked extremely good (he’d just gotten a haircut the day before). It only took a couple moments until we were immersed in conversation, as per usual. We were talking about the hockey game from the night before, (because the Preds won, upping the chances he might win his bet after all), and I was telling him how I caught the third period after work, and watched with my dad. We talked about how my tattoo appointment was in a week (so excited), which led to a conversation about how he heard about some dude whose infected tattoo led to his untimely death.
At this point, I was about to bring up how Britain’s most tattooed man was about to have his arm amputated for a similar reason, when all of a sudden Victoria interrupted.
Okay, in order to have the following stuff I’m about to say make any sense, I’m going to have to back-track to the Thursday of last week, which was the day that I saw Dylan last. While we were in mid-conversation, Victoria came up to us and interrupted quite rudely. But what she said, and the way she said it, was what was rude about it at all.
The sarcasm in her voice was unreal as she “thanked” Dylan for sending her a text or giving her a call on her birthday (which had just past), the way that she did for him on his own birthday. Confused, he looked at her with utter bewilderment and asked her what she was talking about. Turns out, her birthday had been on Tuesday, and he’d forgotten. As she left the department, she started half-yelling more sarcastic quips at him, loud enough for everyone to hear. She wouldn’t stop, and I could tell it was making him more and more uncomfortable with everything she kept saying.
He looked at me and explained that in all honesty, he’d forgotten but it was a simple human mistake. Social media was usually a good reminder of things like that, but it’s not like she had posted anything. (Even I didn’t know it was her birthday, but I mean it’s not like she and I are close, anyways). Turns out, he didn’t think that they were that close either, and he didn’t appreciate the way she felt the need to blast him in front of everyone the way she did. If she had had the decency to be friendly and joke about it privately with him instead of yelling at him and attempting to embarrass him for making a human error that anyone would have, then things would have been different. (But to be honest, she seems quite… temperamental? That’s what I’ve gathered, anyways).
On Saturday when I worked with Sera, she brought it up with me too – Dylan had told her what had happened. Sera told me that she noticed that every time Dylan and I were having a conversation, that Victoria seemed to always interrupt, that she always had to be the center of attention. Also, Sera noted that Victoria snapped at Dylan as though he were her boyfriend, as though he was expected to note that date down and whatnot and it wasn’t cool.
Anyways, it turns out that despite keeping his cool on that Thursday, that this was the last straw for him regarding her (I think this isn’t the first time something like this has happened), and he blocked her off of everything.
So, fast forward back to our conversation on Sunday, when she interrupted us yet again. Without even bothering to say hi to me or apologize for interrupting, she came over, right in between Dylan and I, and threw her arms around him in a big hug, asking him if he was still upset at her.
He had had his arms crossed while he was talking to me initially, and even with her arms around him, he didn’t move from his stance. He quietly told her to let go, step away from him, and to please refrain from talking to him for the rest of the shift. Taken aback, she asked him why and she looked at me, and I just smiled back at her awkwardly and shrugged lightly (I didn’t want to get involved). Actually, I was just about to walk away before things got worse, when all of a sudden he looked back at me and continued our conversation as though she wasn’t standing there in front of him.
Crap, I’m running out of time and I’ve got to get ready for this shift. Okay, hopefully it won’t be too long and when I get home, I’ll be able to continue this and also write about the experience of my first shift returning back to this place. Wish me luck!
Day 155, 156, & 157 – June 4th, 5th, & 6th continued…
Hello! I’m back from my first hostessing shift and… I LOVE IT! I mean, I like it a lot, lot more than I did serving, so, I love it, LOL. I’m going to touch on that soon, but first I’m going to keep going about Sunday so that I can catch myself up to present day.
Okay so, where was I? Ah yes. The interruption.
Anyways, it was just interesting to me to see how he handled that situation, because I learnt more about him as a result. He doesn’t like being put on the spot, and if a “friend” (or acquaintance really) pulls some shady shit, he has no problems with cutting out the negativity in his life, or the person responsible for the bad vibes. I was quite impressed actually. After she walked away, he turned to me and commented on how immature she was. (This girl is three years older than he is). I’ve always known that he’s very mature for his age, but this was definitely a direct example of it.
We spent most of the day talking, which was really nice: I learnt that Guns N’ Roses is his favourite band (such an old soul! I love it), that he has an electric guitar and used to know how to play the riff off of “Sweet Child of Mine” on it (impressive, and sexy as hell), and that he’s considering getting a tattoo of a tulip on his inner arm (he showed me where with a bit of a flex and I had to keep my face straight but man, his arms are so nice) because it’s his mom’s favourite flower, which is so, so sweet. We talked about my painting and he was so impressed; he asked me if I was watching some kind of tutorial to do it, LOL. I assured him that I wasn’t, but that I had loved painting and art since way back when. He told me he’d never been to the restaurant that I’m starting at but would visit me one day while I’m working, and we talked about how he had an exam coming up for his online summer school course that he didn’t even know he was enrolled for until three weeks in, and how he was planning to bullshit a majority of it.
I think my favourite part of the day though, was the moment that he confided in me that he was stressed about school. We talked about the idea of timeframes, and I asked him if the pressure he felt was self-imposed, or societally related. He admitted that it was mostly society, that it was the idea that he was running out of time. Which led to me telling him about my circumstances, about how I didn’t know what I wanted for myself until way later in life, how long it took me to come to terms with everything. I assured him that no matter what society made him feel, that he had time. That there was no rush. That he would figure things out for himself, and everything would happen as it’s meant to.
He thanked me sincerely, and told me that everything I’d told him made him feel a lot better, which made me happy. I’m honestly so glad that we seem to be getting even just a little bit closer, with every shift we work together.
At the end of his shift, he came over to me to say goodbye and I think this was also one of my favourite moments too. He hugged me tightly, and I wished him a fun trip in Florida because I wouldn’t see him again until he came back. And once again, he did that thing I love where he pulls back from the hug, but stays close enough to have his arm around me still. He told me to snapchat him the finished product of my painting, and he promised to snapchat me while he was in Florida. I in turn also promised to snapchat him when I got my tattoo done as well, so that he could see it while he was away.
All in all, these past couple instances have allowed me to become a lot more centered about how I feel about him now. That burning curiosity and sense of urgency to know where he stood in regards to his feelings towards me, has finally dissipated. I feel… calm. I’m still attracted to him, but more than that it feels good just to be able to get to know him now, without the pressures or expectations of those kinds of feelings. I’m getting to know him as a person, which makes me so happy that I’ve held off on asking him to hang out or telling him how I feel, for so long. In getting to know him like this, I can eventually decide whether the feelings I’ve grown for him have real substance, or if they are just a bunch of hormones and chemicals swirling around my brain, making me think that I feel more than I really do.
So, that’s about it for that! It feels good to finally have a certain level of detachment to this. Not in a bad or vindictive way, or in a way that I’m trying to lower my expectations to protect myself, none of that. But, in a way that I can finally, (after all of this time of begging myself to), let go and see what happens. And it feels good.
Now, moving onwards to my date. Before I talk about it though, I do have to mention something: so the day before my date, when Dylan was off, I mentioned to Sera that I had a date Sunday and that I finally felt ready to “get back out into the dating world”. She was very, very happy for me, but she also added that I shouldn’t “confine” myself to this guy (because she wants me to explore my options, or because she knows I also have feelings for Dylan? Curious, curious). Either way, I made a point of telling her that so that she knows a couple things: a) I’m not just hung up on her son, I’m definitely exploring my options, b) I’m hoping that she’ll lowkey relay that message somehow to Dylan – not about the date per se, but that I’m finally open to the idea of it. And c) I’m hoping that if she does somehow relay this message, he’ll feel motivated to make a move himself? But I know that particular option isn’t very probable, not that I mind.
Anyways! So, this date. I actually got so nervous about it that I told Sera that I was second-guessing why I had even agreed to it in the first place, in all honesty. But she assured me that it would be fine and that no matter what happened, there weren’t any expectations and that this guy could very well just end up becoming a really good friend, if anything. (Just a friend, eh? Steadily more curious!) Either way, I agreed she was right and tried to focus more so on being excited than nervous. And, I’m glad I was because it actually went very, very well!
I finished my shift, and ubered to address that he gave me. Turns out that it was a small Jamaican wings/bar place that his uncle owned, but unfortunately it was closed. So, we drove back to Yorkdale and ended up at Moxies.
Okay, I’m getting a little tired now, so I shall continue this bright and early tomorrow! I’ve got to write about my date, finally finishing my painting, and also how my first shift as a hostess went today. But before I go…
I’m so happy and so proud of me man. I just am. It’s been so crazy, not just this year but this life! I’m so happy and blessed and just, eternally grateful, for everything. For every little thing.
Anyways, until tomorrow! I work again in the evening, but I’ve got the whole morning to myself to do whatever I want so, I’ll write and maybe read a little too. Until then!
Love, love, love,