Day 158 – June 7th, 2017

I’m back! It’s a gorgeous day today, so after this log I’m going to go outside for a little while to read and also meditate. Speaking of, I meditated for a couple minutes yesterday and I could actually feel that out of body sensation as I got really into it! I’m definitely going to make it my goal to become consistent about how often I do it, because I know it’ll benefit me in the long run. Okay, so I left off at my date from Sunday.

Long story short, it went really well. Admittedly I was a bit nervous at first, but the guy knows how to keep a conversation going. And not just any kind of conversation – the thought-provoking, deep and spiritual level of conversation that actually taught me a thing or two.

We started off by talking a bit about ourselves; he told me his life story, about how his dad wasn’t really present in his life so his mom took him and his brother back to Jamaica to be raised there for a while. He talked about his goals and ambitions, what he saw for himself and what he aspired to become. He didn’t even want to call them “dreams”, because to him, dreams were for sleeping and sleeping was equated to a lack of action. Everything he talked about doing for himself was a goal, something he was actively working towards in his every day. It was very inspiring.

I told him about my life too, about my dad’s gambling and how it destroyed my family for as long as I could remember. I talked about how close I came to taking my own life when I was only eleven, how all of this led to my interest in Psychology.

We talked about pretty much everything and anything you could imagine. And, I loved how he spoke with such candor – every question I had, be it about his past relationships or about his family, he had no problems talking about. Which in turn made it very easy for me to be equally as open and honest. There were no pre-set expectations or rules the way that dates usually entail; like the idea that “talking about exes” is a dating faux pas? Well, we went into depth about past loves. I talked about both my relationships, and he told me about his, and his dating style. He’s a diehard romantic, like me, but also very, very honest with whomever he’s dated so far – if the vibe wasn’t there, the moment he felt that they weren’t on the same page emotionally or mentally, he’d tell them so that he wasn’t leading them on.

He talked about his adversities, and how they led him to the path that he was on now – just about a year ago, he’d been sleeping on the floor of one of his acquaintances, practically homeless after having been kicked out due to dropping out of his Finance Master’s program to pursue a different line of work. He had gotten his degree in Finance and Analytics from University of Waterloo, and halfway through his Master’s program, he had realized he wanted something different for his life. His parents didn’t agree, and asked him to leave.

Well, it took about a year, but now he’s the CEO of a side-company of a up-and-coming brand, which he has huge visions for.

While all of this was very inspiring, it was our deeper conversations that really piqued my interest. We talked about having a purpose in life, the quality of living, about awareness and being conscious and living in the moment, rather than being trapped in the past or afraid of the future. It made me realize that I could be doing something like this, like typing my log, but in the back of my head I’m thinking about a couple hours from now when I have to start getting ready for my work shift. How is that any way to live? This where a lot of anxiety stems from – the inability to live in the present moment. We’re always thinking about what’s going to happen next for us, or tomorrow, or next week. We fail to understand that tomorrow will soon become yesterday; what have we done with that time? Did we really focus on existing in that present moment as we were in it? Or were we so consumed by the idea of the next moment, that we failed to appreciate the one that just past?

We talked about the idea of detachment, and the ability to let go, which I admitted I needed to work on. His level of detachment was so… awe-inspiring to me. He was free of his past because he had come to terms with it (most of it, anyways – there was still some feelings towards his father that he was working on). He was free of the mundanity of the present because he knew just exactly what deserved his efforts and what didn’t. He knew exactly how to choose with whom he engaged in conversation with, rather than wasting time and energy engaging with people who weren’t on the same vibration that he was.

He wasn’t bound by the ridiculous notions that society has superimposed on us, if even implicitly – the idea that someone you’re conversing with leaving you on “read” was the end of the world, the idea that a lack of reply was equivalent to a slap in the face or lack of effort, the attachment to these mechanical, meaningless excuses for conversations and interactions that occurred on various social media interfaces. None of it meant anything – it’s not tangible, yet we attach so much weight to these things!

I’m so guilty of being bound by these ideas. Time and time again I’ve stressed myself out wondering why so-and-so didn’t reply, or why they may have taken so long to do so. But, I’m so done with it all. This guy was right – people have lives, they get busy. And even if there aren’t timely replies, or replies at all, what does any of it matter in the long run!? Effort, lack of effort, none of these things can be measured by what use these days to measure them by. You think social media and quick messages on a technological device can be equated to real effort, and sincerity? Boy, have we been fooled by this day and age.

In Buddhism, detachment is the first real step towards enlightenment, or “nirvana”. It’s being able to understand that everything is impermanent, therefore inconsequential. The moment you let go, detach yourself from the things that this world has deemed important or necessary, the closer you get to infinite wisdom and peace.

I could never be completely detached, because I care much too deeply about certain things such as the people in my life. But, I can learn things in my life I can channel my energies and care towards, in order to remain centered and content to the extents that this life will allow me. That’s what conversing with this guy has shown me. Letting go can be a freedom in itself.

We talked about so much more – like, although it’s been deemed by society that sex is easy to acquire and only physical by nature, we agreed that it’s so much more than that. That it’s also a transference of energy, a mental and emotional connection and that with the right level of vulnerability, can truly be as intimate as possible. Neither of us believed in the idea that sex could just be purely “casual”.

Since we’re both tattooed, we talked about what tattoos means to us individually. I explained to him that I loved the idea of tattoos for a very simple reason: in this day and age, there’s an easy way out for everything. You name it. You get married, and you decide you don’t get along? Divorce. You don’t like your job because it’s hard but you still want money? Quit it, find something else. Your life partner is boring you, or fighting with you, and rather than trying to talk it through with them and understand? Cheat. Find someone new.

It makes me sad. No one commits to anything anymore. Everything in this life has become about convenience – how can I make this work for me? How can I get out of doing this? This is hard, how can I make it easier for myself?

But tattoos? They’re something that you can choose to commit to, for life. You find an idea that you want to embody (literally), a work of art that speaks to your soul, a lesson you want to take with you for life, or hell, even a little bit of ink for the heck of it? Well, getting that tattooed on you means that you’ve understood that it will be with you, on your being, for the rest of your entire goddamn life. And I know, I know that there’s now technology that can have it removed when you decide you don’t want it anymore (again, yet another easy way out). But – in that moment you decided you wanted a tattoo, there was something in you that wanted to commit to something, forever. And forever? Well, that’s about the extent of how long we’ll be walking on this earth. It’s a concept that’s impossible to grasp, hard to hold onto. That’s why I feel a genuine sense of appreciation for the people who have tattoos – because somewhere deep down, they understand what it means commit to something for life, even if it’s something as small as a rose tattoo on their left ankle.

So, that’s what getting tatted meant to me. They’re a lifelong commitment.

He was actually pretty impressed; no one he’s ever spoken to about getting tatted has ever made him look at them in this way, and he’s been in the industry for a little while now.

Anyways, we covered a lot of stuff that I feel would take pages and pages to write down, but I’ve covered a lot of the topics that stuck the most with me. By the time we left the restaurant, it was close to midnight, which meant that we had spent a good five hours in that restaurant just talking. And in those five hours, I felt no urge to check the time or check my phone, nor was I thinking about the next day or what I had to do in that week. For the first time in a long time, I was outside of time and truly living in the present moment.

He ended up giving me a ride home, which was very nice of him. And like a gentleman, when we got to my house, he got out of the car so that he could give me a nice warm hug goodbye, rather than just dropping me off and waiting for me to get out of the car myself. All in all, it was a lovely evening.

We messaged briefly, but that’s about it. But, that’s what I came to expect after this incredible conversation. We were both very honest with each other about expectations (or lack thereof), and I know we’re on the same page in the sense that we both know the other is busy and if we want to, we’ll make an effort. If we don’t, then that’s cool too. A conversation can just, be a conversation without necessarily leading to anything more than that. And if it does, then okay. I feel quite liberated, actually LOL. It would be so great if all my further interactions with whomever I end up seeing could be like this, just as open and honest and mentally stimulating.

Anyways, that’s about it regarding that! I asked the universe to keep my own self-awareness and growth going, and now I’m not just finding it in books but in people too. You attract what you put out into the universe, after all. I’m sending good vibrations out, and I’m getting them back tenfold.

So that’s Sunday! Monday, I finally finished my painting and it was so nice to just sit and admire it for a little while. I had work in the morning, and the afternoon off. Which leads me to yesterday, which was Tuesday, and also my first day on my new job.

I walked in confidently, got dressed and was out on the floor early, as expected. My manager is really nice and friendly, but very, very quick and hands-on when it comes to training. After going through the system with us a couple times, he left us to our own devices (it’s just me and one other girl, who’s really nice). After a while, we had to start figuring things out for ourselves and you know what? I genuinely enjoyed it. I wasn’t stressed, even though there was a moment where I made a bad call but it turned out okay. I’m learning as I go. There’s a lot of problem solving and leadership skills that this job entails – we’re not just responsible for seating and greeting. But, I’m good at that kind of stuff! By the end of my shift, I still had my good energy, I wasn’t tired or stressed, and I still had that sense of determination that I started my shift off with.

I’ve got another one again later this evening, so it should be interesting. I’m looking forward to learning more about the system as well as how downstairs differs from upstairs. And you know, I genuinely like the people I’m working with. One thing I’ve got to credit this establishment with is that they definitely know how to choose their people.

I must admit that there are some people that I can sense a different vibe from, possibly a little bit more closed off or even hostile (most likely due to stress or tension from the job), but I’m learning how to approach (or avoid) those ones. I’m just going to continue to be my friendly, open self and go with that. Not everyone’s going to like me or get along with me, but I’m not really going in to make friends per se, mostly just to get my job done. I don’t need anyone’s approval! Only my own. Which I have. Hehe.

And so, I am all caught up! Finally, Jesus. No more falling behind! I’m half way through the week now, and very much looking forward to Friday because Leila and I have a date night planned where we’re going to eat food and drink wine and watch the new season of OITNB, which is finally coming back after like a year long hiatus. It’s going to be a good day, and a well-deserved relaxation night. I can’t wait!

I work Saturday, but Sunday I’m off and I’m also getting my tattoo done!!!! I’m so, so excited to get it. This will be my third tattoo of the year, LOL. I’m on quite a roll this year. I think Wes, the guy that I had that conversation with, might be there as well, and if he is then I’ll see him then. We’ll see though! I’m just looking forward to adding to my ever-expanding tattoo collection.

That’s all for today! I think I have just enough time to go outside and meditate a little, and start a new book. I’ll write tomorrow morning since I know I’ll have time. Until then!

Love,

Me.

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