Day 162 – June 11th, 2017

Hello! So it’s Sunday evening, and I’m currently wearing a face mask and unwinding after a long week of work. Man, it feels good to relax. It’s not that I was exhausted or anything – I’ve been handling working two jobs fairly well, if I do say so myself. It’s just sometimes, you need to take a day to yourself to process everything you’re bombarded with on a daily basis. We get hit with all kinds of information, ideas, opinions, and energy constantly throughout our days. Whether or not we know it, it takes its toll. It’s easy to become mentally fatigued if you don’t take care of yourself properly. Hence, it’s nice to just spend some alone time.

So, I have to talk about Friday, yesterday (Saturday), and today Sunday! Let’s go back to Friday then.

Friday morning, I had a shift at my regular job after so long, so it was so good to see everyone and to catch up. I was kind of sad that Luna wasn’t in though, because I had been looking forward to seeing her and catching up. I’m beginning to realize that I don’t really put much effort into this job anymore because of the fact that I have my new one. I mean, it’s good that I don’t take it as seriously anymore so I don’t stress about it, but that doesn’t mean that I should stop putting effort into it altogether. I’m lucky to have it, it’s such an easy job that requires very little effort so I might as well continue to do the least I can do.

My shift went by quickly, so off I went to Leila’s so that we could binge on Orange is the New Black together. We grabbed take out from the mall, and then headed over to her place where we sat for hours, just watching the new season. It was so worth the wait! We relaxed, and had some wine, and it was so, so nice. We even decided to just stay in and be lazy, even though we initially had plans to go out hehe. But honestly, sometimes I love just being lazy as fuck and watching Netflix. I feel like I don’t get to do that enough lately.

Saturday morning, we got to sleep in, and then after that we got ready together and headed off to work. I honestly wish I could do this all the time, just head over to Scarborough to hang out with her and try new food places and sleep over at her house! We have so much fun together, and it’s nice to have someone whose company I genuinely enjoy and crave. Having a best friend like her is a blessing, it really is.

My Saturday night shift went well! I got to see Luna and Sera, and Sera worked late with me so we got to have some pretty good conversations. Sera’s grandmother (so Dylan’s great-grandmother) fell recently (on her 94th birthday incidentally), and shattered her pelvis, so she’s currently in the hospital. My heart goes out to Sera and her family man, she’s honestly been going through so much lately and I just can’t imagine how one person can continuously bear event after event like this. Sera’s got to be one the of strongest people I’ve ever met. I know that everything she shoulders is taking its toll on her body, but at least she’s getting help for that now too. I just hope that everything can take a turn for the better soon, for all of them. I spoke to the universe today and asked it to send some positive and healing energy towards her grandmother, wishing her a speedy recovery if possible. I know she’s quite old so healing will be tricky at most, but I’m hoping for the best and I hope they all are too.

That’s about all for Saturday! Which leads me to today, Sunday June 11th. So today, I finally had my tattoo appointment with Chronic Ink and I got my Jack Sparrow tattoo!!! And, it turned out absolutely beautiful. Not only did it not hurt (I nearly fell asleep at one point, it was so relaxing), but she took her time and really brought out the little details that it entailed. I love it so, so much. Almost enough to make me wish I had gotten it on my arm like I intended! But, it wasn’t the time for something like that. Although, now I know that I am ready to commit to a visible tattoo, moving forward. Either way, my back and torso is beginning to look “complete”, I want to say – it’s coming along so well with many different ideas and concepts and images, and I love how it all looks. I adore my tattoos, I truly do. I hope to make some further appointments with Chronic – I want to add more to/touch up some of my older tattoos, as well as get that watercolour lotus piece done on my hip/upper thigh. I can’t wait! I definitely have to start up a tattoo savings for myself, LOL.

Once again, I am all caught up! And it’s Sunday, which means I have a whole new week ahead of me. So far, it looks like I am working every day, but no complaints from me! I’m looking forward to this week. Because, not only will I work, but I shall also meditate when I find the time before my shifts, workout, eat healthy, read good books, and maybe start re-painting the mural above my bed. I want to be as productive as possible, benefitting not only my wallet this summer but my mental health, intellect and sense of self. No more wasting time! I’ve got to make the most of all the time I am given.

I’m also looking forward to this week because Dylan will be in a lot – I think I’ll be working with him all three days of the weekend, Friday to Sunday, which will be nice.

We’ve been snapchatting a lot lately, and I’m hesitant to mention this even to myself because a) I don’t want to read too much into it, and b) I don’t want to jinx it. But, he’s been snapchatting me from Miami just like he promised he would before he left, and I snapchatted him about my finished painting as well as my tattoo today, just like I promised I would as well. Today, we actually ended up talking for a while after – he kept the conversation going by asking me how Joey’s was going, and I asked how his trip was going and stuff like that.

After my conversation with Wes, I’ve been actively trying to practise being detached from the things that I don’t need to become attached to, and it’s been going pretty well! That’s a part of why I’m actively trying not to attach any weight to these things – it’s not that they’re insignificant, but they’re also just interactions through a screen. I want the face-to-face conversations where our eyes lock and my heart skips a beat, I want those in person conversations where we let each other in, bit by bit, and the talks where we end up teaching each other something new; those are the kinds of interactions that I want to concern myself with.

I have this gut feeling that this summer… I don’t know. I have like, this intuition. Maybe it’s in my head. But I can’t shake the feeling that this summer, is when I’ll finally find the right moment to say something. Not that I have to, but I just feel like it’s finally beginning to organically head in that direction. What I can say for sure though, is that I finally have that patience I so badly wanted months ago. I’m enjoying these brief moments that we see each other at work, I’m enjoying the conversations we have where we get to know each other little by little. Because, I’m finally starting to sort past all the chemically-driven feelings and starting to truly get to know him as a person, and that’s all I want. I’m not throwing myself into yet another relationship where I don’t know the person as well as I’d like to. I did that for my past two relationships, got to know them about a year or two down the line, but by then it was too late: one ended up controlling me, and the other ended up cheating on me. So, yeah. I’m really, really, truly, in no rush whatsoever LOL. I’m aware of how I feel and simply comfortable with these feelings and with the way things are right now.

I’m happy. I’m content! Life’s going great right now. And you know what? In the moments that life was like this – free of tribulations, going along smoothly – I used to get this special kind of anxiety. This low, sinking feeling would start in my chest, then in the pit of my stomach. It would lurk in the back of my mind. It was this little shadow that would menacingly whisper in my ear, “Sure, things are great right now. But, just you wait… it’s going to get bad. Because nothing can ever be too good, for too long. You know that, and I know that. Watch and see.”

Terrible, right? When things got good, I couldn’t even allow myself to be happy for too long without worrying because I was so sure that something would come along and ruin it all. That’s the mentality I trapped myself into, the reality that I believed for myself. But now?

I mean, I’m not superhuman – it’s still there. It’s not as loud now, and I can tune it out for the most part. But, I can happily say that it doesn’t hold as much power over me as it used to. Want to know why?

Because, I’ve finally begun to realize something for myself. I create my reality. I am the master of my own fate. I know that in life, things will come along that knock me off my feet temporarily. Life has its inevitable and sure-fire ways of teaching us lessons we can never forget, lessons we are meant to learn. However, it is up to me to be there for myself when those moments come; to pick myself up off the floor, and keep moving on, so that I can continue to that point where life settles into beauty once more. Now that I have a better understanding of this, life doesn’t seem as scary anymore.

Like I’ve mentioned before – there’s been a huge shift and change in my energy. The moment that I read “Outwitting the Devil” right before the September of last year, there was a shift in both my awareness and consciousness. Here I am now, ten months later, a completely different person than who I was before. I want to keep this awareness going, I want to keep moving upwards into this consciousness and become more in tune with myself than I have ever been in my life. I intend to, and so I will. No more drifting, no more feeling lost. I know there will come a day that I will hear my inner voice and intuition so clearly that I will never second-guess myself again. I look forward to that day.

Anyways! That’s about all for today. Do I need to talk about anything else?

Ah yes! My recent realizations about Nick.

So, I’ve been doing some thinking about my conversation with Wes, when we talked about being able to let go and detach yourself from things past. And, it made me realize some stuff.

When we first broke up and I asked Nick if he wanted his York U sweater back and he said I could keep it, I kept it. I kept everything – the photo booth pictures, the silly pizza paper hat from summer school years ago, the gifts and memories and movie tickets, you name it. But why?

Well, I finally get it now. It’s because, no matter how much I insisted that I was done with the relationship and that I had moved on, what I failed to recognize was that I hadn’t let go. At least, not as completely as I thought I had. Somewhere deep down, there was a part of me that kept all of that stuff because of the very deep, implicit possibility of a future “maybe”.

When I broke up with Don, about a year later I threw out everything after cleaning out my closet – the hand-written letters and drawings, the watch, the gifts, all of it. And, I felt no ways about it because I knew that that chapter was firmly sealed, and that I had truly let go with every fiber of my being. It felt freeing to get rid of that stuff – not in a vindictive “I hate you” kind of way; in a way that I knew for sure, that it was over. That there was no going back, and that was perfectly okay with me.

And now, I think I need to do the same with all of the stuff from my relationship with Nick. I can feel my heart twinging a little in protest, but I’m finally aware of what lies in my heart of hearts (although she did try hard to keep this secret buried and hidden – nice try, heart).

I know she means well. I know it’s hard for her to let go. I know how I am – I believe in happily ever after’s and I don’t believe in giving up. I know I can’t go back but now I know that there is a part of me that exists that believes I could have. But, I can’t. How can I?

How could I go back to someone who hurt me on such a deep level like that? How could I ever learn to trust him again? How could he ever possibly guarantee my security in the relationship, my mental well-being and my confidence that we could move forward together? What could he do? It wouldn’t matter how good the relationship was, or how good the communication was, or how we were best friends. I loved him. I grew to love everything about him. I saw a potential for a future. It doesn’t matter if he needed to learn more about himself as a person, or grow – we could have done that together. Instead, he made a choice that shattered everything, including all the possibilities for more.

I know everything happens for a reason. I have this deep feeling inside me (again, my intuition), that Nick was just not the person I was meant to end up with. I know we were meant to grow as people, but separately. We just weren’t capable of doing it together. But for a shining second there, I thought he was someone I could spend my life with. I guess that’s the part I’m having the most trouble with letting go of.

Knowing what I know now, I have to do what’s right by me. I have to truly, and fully, and in every capacity, let go. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, you name it. Dana taught me that everything carries energy, even physical things. That includes his sweater, and that box full of memories. Which means, there will come a time where I have to let go of it all. Maybe not now or tomorrow or even next week, but soon. I think I’ll know when the moment is right. It’s on its way, that’s all I know for sure. And, I also know that it’s not going to be easy. But that’s okay.

One last dilemma that I need to figure out when it comes down to that moment – do I ask him if he wants his York U sweater back? Or do I just quietly get rid of it myself, by donating it? Here’s the thing: by asking him if he wants it back, I think that he’ll become aware himself that it’s really and truly over. Is that something he needs to know? Or is it just something I need to do for myself? I don’t even know what his mind frame is when it comes to what we once were. But ultimately, it comes down to this: what will be better for me, and for my own sense of closure?

I’ll give some time to that question. Actually, the official six month mark of our break up is approaching in a couple weeks, July 3rd. I’m supposed to do the question check-in again on that day, the same way I did on April 3rd which was the three month mark. So maybe I’ll know around then.

Anyways, I’m back to feeling clear-headed and ready for the week! I promise I will write every day, I don’t see why I won’t be able to. Even if it’s short logs! I have a feeling that this week is going to be absolutely amazing. I can’t wait! Looking forward to all the good.

Love, love, love,

Me.

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