Day 166, 167, 168 – June 15th, 16th, & 17th

Hello there! So I haven’t written in a couple days, but it’s because things sort of kind of got a little busy! That and, I was also just enjoying some time I had to myself – on the Thursday (the 15th), I ended up only working for about an hour before I got cut, but I wasn’t DEFINITELY not complaining. Okay, so it’s not that I don’t like the job, because I do! It’s fast paced, and you’re always busy. And, hands down it’s definitely teaching me how to remain cool, calm and collected under pressure during situations. But I mean, I have my consistent job with my steady hours. So for this job, I’m not complaining with how many hours I can get. I don’t even want to work that much – whatever hours I can get, I’ll take! It’s just an added little bonus of money in between pay cheques, which I could definitely use.

Anyways! So yeah, I got sent home nice and early on Thursday, so I relaxed and had a delicious “brownie”, LOL. And then, I attempted to bake an actual dessert in that state, which turned out failing miserably, but it was totally okay. I had a good day! I ended up taking an amazing nap afterwards, which really helped me to recharge and just zone out. All in all, not bad for working two jobs! I’ve been working every day for the past week, but it doesn’t feel that way!

Which brings me to Friday (the 16th), which was yesterday.

So, so, so good! I mean, minus the VIP event where literally none of the clients I called showed up. I feel like I’m going to catch it for that. Sad thing is, I actually TRIED this time, to have people come out! I called my most loyal customers, and not a single one showed up! But okay, it’s okay. I’m going to choose to focus on the positives – like how I had a five piece sale of our own line to one walk-in customer which really boosted sales. And I managed to recruit some customers to buy from our lines as well so, we’ll see today whether we made our target or not. I have a feeling we scraped a little over four, maybe five thousand if we’re lucky. But who knows! Maria is one dedicated lines person, so maybe she pulled it off. I just wish I could have been of more support, but I can’t change things now! So, no feeling guilty.

Back to the good parts of yesterday!

I’m paused for a little bit because I have a sudden wave of anxiety. I don’t really know what the cause is, and it’s been a while since it’s cropped up, but I’m just being patient with myself until the wave subsides. What am I so nervous about?

Is it that I’m scared of Maria’s reaction about the VIP when I get into work today? But self, you know that that’s not something that was in your control. You tried, and even though things didn’t work out, you did what you could. Yes it’s your job and it’s a great job, but there are a lot of people in there who are doing a lot less and getting away with it, so. It’s okay. Let it go. Breathe through it. Remember, you’re on this new path now where you put your care and concerns towards matters that actually deserve your efforts. Jobs will come and go. Worrying is suffering, twice.

Okay, I feel a lot better. I’m so glad that I can be patient and compassionate towards myself now, rather than angry at myself for feeling the way I do. Being able to help myself through my anxiety is allowing me to deal with it so much more efficiently than pushing it away and denying its existence ever did for me.

Anyways, back to the good! Yes, it involved a lot of Dylan, LOL.

Long story short, we talked a lot, as per usual. But there were some things that stood out here and there that made my heart skip some extra beats; like, when he asked me if it was okay if he could bring his fishing gear up to the cottage. (Obviously yes!) I was saying that I need to get some of my own, but he said it was okay since he was bringing his. Would he let me share his with him? I can’t even go down that pathway of thinking without my brain getting fried in hormonal drivel over how insanely cute that is.

Also, while we were talking about my hostess job, he made a point of saying he’s not surprised that I like it or that I’m meeting people the way I have so far, because I’m “out-going and super easy to talk to”, d’aww.

We talked about a lot more stuff, like my total lack of geographical knowledge (I’m not ashamed to admit I didn’t quite know where Malibu was – I may not be geographically inclined but I am intelligent in other ways :D). About travel, and adventure, this amazing place in Miami that he found that was rustic, with a hint of an old-time Cuban villa-feel which he said I would have loved. (He’s right – he showed me pictures of this place and I fell in love at first sight).

I told him I would lend him “Who Says You Can’t” as soon as I was done with it. I told him that I thought it’d be great for him to read since he told me he was stressed about school and also that he has a tendency to second-guess himself (like me!). He’s really excited about it, and thanked me.

So far, so good! Definitely getting more comfortable with him. Now, if only I had the actual guts to ask him if he’d like to come along with me on break sometime… what am I so scared of?! Am I worried that our friendship and endless conversations won’t be able to leave the confines of our tiny department? Am I scared, deep down, that this is all in my head and that the minute there’s some reality to this, that it’ll all come crashing down? That we’re not as compatible as I’d like for us to be?

Well, that’s life! Until I actually move outside my of comfort zone, (and literally, our department) I’m never going to know anything for sure! The cottage is a great step forward, but if I’m going to see if there’s any real possibility and validity to this, I’m going to have to be a little brave! We’ll see. I know what I know. It’s just a matter of acting on it.

Anyways, I’ve got to go to my shift now! I’ll write tomorrow after my shift. Wish me luck!

Actually don’t – I have to make my own luck. My fate is in my hands. I just need to remember that.

Until tomorrow,

Love,

Me.

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