Day 170 + 171 – June 19th & 20th 2017

Alright. So I am in dire need of some serious introspection today, because I have that mental and emotional “muddled” feeling again, and Dana told me that when I feel muddled, it’s always good to check in with myself and work out the knots so that the energy can flow smoothly again. There are a couple things on my mind that I need to address, ask myself some questions about, and gain some clarity towards. So, I’m quite literally going to ask myself those questions here, and answer them accordingly, as though I am interviewing myself. And I’m going to be completely and totally honest with myself, or else this won’t work.

Before I begin, I must high light the series of events that I believe triggered these muddled feelings. The night before last, (Sunday night), my mom sat down with me and had a stern talk with me. She said multiple things: how I need to stop “playing around” with boys and get serious, and find an “older guy” with a well-established job and start seriously dating so that I can consider my future. And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

I’ve already kind of mentioned Dylan to her, and told her a bit about him. And during this particular conversation we were having, she brought him up again, but this time to ask what he’s in school for, and what he aspires to do with his life, and stuff like that. Then she said that she thinks he’s too young for me, which led into the whole “find an older guy” part of the conversation. I tried to explain that age means nothing and that we’re more so the sum of our experiences rather than a collection of years, but that went over her head.

I get it. I know she cares. I know she loves me and wants what’s best for me. But man. It’s so hard to remain patient and understanding sometimes. I’m only human. Like I’m trying to do the best that I can for myself as well. I’ve tried, time and time again, to explain that I’m not on that typical path that everyone else may be on. I’m on my own. I’m trying to figure things out for myself. Whatever ticking clock she’s measuring my life by is not mine, it’s society’s. And I can’t abide my society’s timeline, not without destroying my own peace of mind and my sanity.

I know, I “should have” graduated two years ago, or last year, or this year even. It’s been like 6 years, since I’ve enrolled at school. Granted, I was actually out of school for two and a half of those years, but she doesn’t quite know that. So I understand why it’s so worrisome.

I have a plan though, finally, after all of this time. I know what I want for myself. And I think while I’m on the journey of that plan, that other things will fall into place for me so I’ll know exactly where I’m meant to go. I know, deep down, that I’m going to end up where I’m meant to. I just wish she believed in me as much as I’d like to believe in me.*

(WHOA. I’m asterisking that because I think that’s a huge point as to why I have such a hard time maintaining faith in myself – in the eyes of my parents, I’m already a failure [at least, that’s how they make me feel a lot of the time], so I think that’s a huge part of the reason why I struggle to believe in myself. I’ll come back to this realization later though).

Anyways, this morning, she called to ask me about when I’m enrolling for school and to tell me how she can’t sleep these days because she’s so stressed about my having not graduated yet. So I tried to put myself in her shoes – if I had a 24 year old daughter who I know had been struggling with school for about six years and I didn’t know too much about her situation because she wouldn’t really let me in, I’d lose sleep too.

(But in my case, I would do my best to be understanding towards her, and rather than putting my fears on her, I would tell her that I believe in her, I would encourage her, and promise her that one day, no matter what, she’d find exactly what was meant for her. That I was there for her every step of the way, and that failure didn’t exist – only lessons learnt. But that’s me.)

I know my mom doesn’t quite understand things and was taught things a certain way when she got to Canada – in her mind, in order to have the best life possible in this country, you HAVE to go to University for exactly four years, no more than that, and then you get a career right after you graduate, and then you find a man who’s equally if not more successful than you are to marry, so that you never, ever, ever have to worry about money for as long as you both shall live. Oh and god forbid he’s younger, too.

Ugh. I want to take the sarcasm out of my tone there, I really do. I want to be so much more understanding and patient and loving towards my mom, both my parents actually. I really want to. I try my hardest, every day, to practise more empathy towards them rather than resentment.

I keep reminding myself that they only love me, truly love me, and want what’s best for me. I try to tell myself that they don’t know any better because it’s what they’ve been taught, and it’s near impossible to rewire someone’s way of thinking if they’re not willing to see things in any other way than the way they know. Some days, I actually listen to myself and I’m able to calm down. Other days… well, I end up feeling “muddled”.

It’s gotten a lot better ever since I started seeing Nisrine. She helped me to become more accepting of where I am in my life, as well as see the “societal timeline” idea from a distance, and not embody those ideals personally since they were destroying my mental health and overall wellbeing.

Okay, I feel a slight bit better having vented about that. Now, on to some questions I have for myself.

Q: So. The minute that your mom said she thought Dylan was too young for you, all of sudden you downloaded tinder “out of curiosity”. You claim to be serious and unwavering about what you want and your feelings for him, so what was that? And why?

A: Um. I don’t really know. Okay wait, I think I do know. Okay so there’s this part of me that’s conditioned to believe that I shouldn’t have to wait around for a guy to like me right? But then when I look deeper into it, I think it was more so motivated and done out of fear. I’m scared of a lot of things, things I have trouble admitting to myself.

Q: Such as?

A: Well. I think my biggest fear, is that… I’m scared she’s right. I’m scared that he is too young for me.

Q: But what does that even mean, “too young for you”? What does being too young for someone really entail, exactly, in your mind?

A: I’m scared that we won’t be compatible in many different aspects that an age gap usually entails. Like I know, I know that age means nothing, and I truly believe that it’s what you experience in life that denotes and contributes to who you are as a person. But also, time is our greatest teacher. What if he has so much more to learn from life, stuff that he can’t learn while he’s with me? I mean, the exact same thing happened with Nick – we started dating when he was about 19/20. Two years later, he ends up cheating on me. Out of not knowing himself completely, out of god knows what else. He just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, despite whatever future we saw with one another, despite how compatible we were in literally every other way. He didn’t know himself, and everything went to shit.

Q: So this fear is based on your negative experience you had with Nick. Do you see that?

A: Whoa. Yeah, you’re right. I do see that.

Q: Do you also understand that, having gotten to know Dylan now for the past year (more deeply in the past six months than before), and knowing what he’s been through with both his parents and himself personally, that the chances of him cheating on you are pretty much slim to none?

A: I do know that! Dylan’s such a good guy, with an amazing heart and kind soul. But I never, ever in a million years would have thought that Nick would have done something like that to me either, and look what happened!

Q: Okay, think a little bit harder about that though: when you were first engaging in your relationship with Nick, how many times did you back away from it? What do you think that was?

A: That’s true. My intuition tried to warn me, multiple times. The universe gave me all kinds of signs, and I didn’t listen.

Q: And that’s okay! Sometimes, the only way you can really learn something in life is through experiencing it. The hardest lessons come through the worst pain. It only contributes to your strength, in the long run. Moving on now – so we understand that a lot of your fears about this stem from getting hurt again, due to being mentally and emotionally on different pages. But you didn’t quite answer my question from before: why tinder? Why engage with these meaningless (although entertaining) conversations with people that ultimately, you don’t want to be with or care about?

A: I guess it’s because… my mom’s conversation with me that night was enough for me to doubt my so-called “unwavering” belief in what I want for myself (or who, namely).

Q: Do you really want an older guy, someone “well-established” with a career and whatever, like she suggested?

A: In all honesty, I don’t give a flying fuck about any of those things. Age, money and stature mean literally nothing to me. I want a partner who makes my soul sing, someone who teaches me to look at life differently than I already do, I want to be with someone who makes me happy through the smallest things they do. I want someone who’s kind, compassionate, caring, selfless, adventurous, affectionate and sure of themselves and everything they do. I don’t care if they’re not where they want to be in life – I’m not quite there yet either! But if we can get there, together, then that’s all that matters to me. That we can grow together, learn together, and keep doing that together as long as we ARE together. I want to be with a good person, with sincere intentions, someone who can make me laugh when life is throwing its worst at me. Because in the end, money will come and go. Jobs are never, ever quite guaranteed in this economy. But if I can be with someone who can ride those highs and lows with me and we can make it through together, then that’s everything to me.

Q: So what does all of that make you realize about your fears and uncertainties in regards to Dylan?

A: That I truly do not care about our age difference. I don’t ever want to give into society’s ideals that age is a key factor in determining ones’ compatibility with another. Every time I feel myself wavering, if anyone ever points it out to once more, I’ll shrug it off and let it go. I can’t listen. It’s not my truth. And, if there ever comes a point where I do tell him how I feel, and he straight up tells me himself that he has things to learn, then I’ll be totally okay with that. In fact, I’ll be ecstatic, because that just means he’s self-aware and selfless enough to not want to engage in something with me because he knows he needs to work on himself first. And if that’s the case, I might actually have to end up marrying him one day because legit, finding self-aware guys in this lifetime is difficult as heck, LOL. Kidding. But not really.

Q: Don’t let your fears get the best of you. Don’t waver in what you want or what feels right for you. What does your heart say? What’s your intuition telling you?

A: My heart… my heart knows what she wants and everything else, every other “distraction” feels inconsequential in comparison. My intuition is asking me to hold on and have some faith, and to keep on being patient because somewhere deep down, I know that it’s all going to be worth it, somehow, some way. I’m going to delete tinder, LOL. There just isn’t any point. It was fun, I’ll admit, and it’s nice to know that I can go have fun if that’s what I want for myself. But, I know what I want. Or who I want, for that matter. And I can’t let him go, not without knowing for sure whether or not we have a real shot. And in order to have that real shot, I’ve got to stay focused. No wavering.

Q: Keep that faith girl. You know that whatever is meant for you, will find you. If it is written, it will come to be. And no matter what happens moving forward, you’re never alone – you have me.

A: Thanks me! You’re the best.

Q: So are you!

A: Why thank you!

Q: Anything else on your mind you want to address before we bring this Q+A session to a close?

A: Hmm… I just checked on the knot of feelings and thoughts and my chest and I can actually physically feel… clarity. It’s amazing. I’m almost in disbelief.

Q: Amazing what a little introspection can do for you, eh?

A: You said it man! Thanks again!

Q: You’ve got all the answers to your questions within you! Never forget that. Talk to you again soon!

Well. That was both enlightening and fun! I honestly don’t really know where the questions come from, or who’s answering, but I think it’s like the deeper parts of my self, intuition and heart maybe. I wonder if it’s my brain (logic) asking the questions. Man, there’s so many aspects that make up who I am as a person. It’s quite fascinating.

That’s about it I guess! I had my shift yesterday, I watched Transformers before work, I talked myself out of spending useless money, so all in all, my Monday went quite swell. I’ve got another shift today at my regular job, and then tomorrow morning I’m off to Niagara! I can’t believe how quickly time is passing! I still have to pack, and soon I have to get ready for work. I kind of wanted to watch Transformers 2, but I definitely do not have time for that LOL. Oh well!

I don’t think I’m going to find time to write for the next couple days in all honesty. So, I have to do my best to remember every detail of how fun the rest of this week is promising to be! And, if I do find some quiet time to write, I must. I promise myself that.

I’m honestly so appreciative of how honest I can be with myself now. Also, as for all the parental stuff – it’s going to be okay in the long run. Because, I’m going to be okay. No matter what happens, I’ll always have me. One day, when I have that job I want, I’ll know I did it for myself and on my own terms, and I can’t ask for more than that.

Until I write next then!

Love always,

Me.

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