Why hello there! Okay so, while I would love to talk about how much fun I had in Niagara or how great it was to see Leila Thursday night, I’m STRESSING. Like, legit stressing and I need to write a little bit to calm down, and then I will try to get to all of that.
Why did I think going on this trip would be a good idea!? I mean, I’m still glad. But I can’t find my passport. And I’m supposed to be saving money. I want to travel so bad but I’m being so irresponsible, fuck man. And I still have to buy stuff I need, and pack. I need to calm down.
Okay. I breathed for a little bit. Everything is fine. This trip came up for a reason. Either to teach me a lesson or to be an incredible experience. Maybe it’ll be a little bit of both. And I know I’m getting my period soon, so every emotion I’m feeling is like five hundred times heightened than it actually is. Like I want to scream.
It’s fine. I’m going to find my passport, start packing, buy whatever else I need, exchange the money that I need to exchange, and it’s all going to be fine. I’m going to have fun. And just, escape for a little, see some new sights. And when I get back, I can start getting more serious about being responsible and acting my age. Okay there.
I actually hate that I feel this way. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. How can PMS actually be a thing?! Why am I so irritated?! By like everything!? Jesus Christ.
Alright, well. I just had a full on anxiety attack, bawled my eyes out, hyperventilated a little. I splashed some cold water on my face though, and I feel a slight bit better minus the massive migraine coming on.
I think I kind of get why though – mom has started up with the backhanded comments about my future again. Even though therapy with my counsellor has been helping to center me a lot, I also haven’t seen her since late April or early May, so I forget how those comments can get to me despite how much I try to ignore them.
“You’d better graduate before I die”, “my life is so sad”, “I don’t know what I did to deserve this”, “I can’t sleep at night because of you”, “I need to teach you how to be more responsible”, “don’t make these years a waste of my money that I worked hard for”, “what did I do to deserve a child like this”, “why aren’t you like other kids”, “sometimes I get so sad that I want to kill myself”, stuff like that. I try to pretend I don’t hear her but man, I do. The sad thing is, she’s right about a lot of it and I think that’s why it gets to me sometimes. I spend so much time trying to eradicate my own guilt and shame towards myself but she keeps on adding to it, and it’s fair because I did waste time. I did waste her money.
I feel so, so bad. And I wish things could have turned out differently for me, for both of us, I really do. I wish I could have known what I was doing, all those years ago. I wish I didn’t drop out, I wish I could have been more serious about school, I wish I could take all that time back, all the decisions I made or didn’t make. I wish I wasn’t a failure to her and I wish she could see that I’m eventually going to be okay.
And it’s even extra shittier because it’s times like these that make me miss Nick, of all fucking people, so much because he knew exactly how this stuff made me feel and he knew just exactly what to say and how to encourage me to feel better, to believe in myself. I know I don’t need him to do that for me, or anyone for that matter, because I should be doing it for myself. But it gets hard sometimes man.
I’ve tried so many times to make her understand how those comments make me feel but it never lasts. The mutual acceptance and understanding always caves, after time and due to her own personal fears.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt this low. But it’s okay, I’m here with me and I feel so much better for that.
Maybe I was meant to go on this trip and just get away for a while, clear my head. Everything happens for a reason, right.
Okay, I’m just going to start getting ready for work and start packing tomorrow. I can’t deal with any of this right now. I’ll write tomorrow since I’ll have time, I’m going to be off.
I just want to say to myself: It’s going to be okay. I know mom means well, somewhere deep down amongst all the fear and all the damaging comments. Somewhere past all of that, there’s some real love. I wish it were a little more unconditional, but that’s okay.
Graduating or not graduating DOES NOT determine my success, my intelligence, or my capability. I am so smart, and I’ve been blessed with many different skills that will one day lead me down the path that I’m meant to be on. I’m going to be happy, I’m going to do something that I love doing, and I’m going to have the stability that I crave so badly. I know I will because I will not rest until I make my life exactly what it’s meant to be, FOR ME. I’m not going to do it for anyone else. No one deserves it more than I do. The only person I owe it to, is me.
I’m bawling again, but this time it’s not purely out of sadness – it’s out of how truly and deeply I believe in what I’m saying to myself right now. I am in my own corner, I am here to support and encourage and love me, unconditionally.
I just need to get out of here and clear my head.
Alright, that’s about it for today. I’ll write when I get a chance tomorrow.
And me? Thanks. For being here. It’s been a while since I could rely on myself. But it’s nice to know that I can now. I love you.