Day 176 – June 25th, 2017

Hello! So it’s Sunday night, and I can’t sleep because I’m so excited! But, it’s getting late and I should get some shut-eye before my flight tomorrow. I still cannot believe that I’m flying off to Las Vegas, and on my own no less! What an amazing year it’s been so far. I can’t believe how far I’ve come since this year began.

I’ll keep this log brief, but I just wanted to talk a little bit about my shift on Saturday night because it was a really, really good shift.

Dylan was in, and we talked a lot more than usual since there were no managers to be seen and we got to chill a lot more than we normally do. And, I met his grandfather!!! It was so cute – they had gone to lunch together, and I had gone on break, and as I was walking back to work, I felt something (or someone, rather) tug on my hair. And when I turned around, Dylan was grinning at me mischievously (SO FUCKING CUTE) and he introduced me to his grandfather (who was adorable). After that, we walked back to work together and he told me how his grandfather played a huge role in his life, almost like a father figure. It was quite a coincidence that I got to meet him, really.

After that, it was just Dylan, Daniella and I closing so he and I basically spent the entire evening talking about everything and anything once more. I vented to him about my driving fears, and he went into detail about his own experiences and made me feel a lot better about getting started on my lessons soon. I also vented to him about what I’m going through with my mom, and was once again blown away by how ridiculously wise he is for his age. We talked about how we’d love to take a road trip to all fifty states, and where we’d like to visit most out of them all.

I honestly love the way he looks at me. Even when it’s just as we’re having conversations; it’s just, he looks at me like he’s really listening. Like whatever I’m saying is the most interesting thing ever (even when it really isn’t, LOL). More than anything though, I like that I’m getting more comfortable with him on a friendship level than anything else, and I’m setting my feelings on the backburner when we interact.

Before he left, he came over to where I was wrapping stuff so that he could give me a huge hug and wish me a safe flight, which was really sweet. He told me to snapchat him tons, and I promised him that by the end of my trip that he’d be annoyed with how much I was planning to snapchat him. He assured me there was no way he’d ever get annoyed by that, and also told me to snap him when I found the AllSpark in the Hoover Dam (Transformer’s reference) and I promised him I would (I’m going to draw it into a snap when we get to the Dam, hehe).

As he was about to walk away, I stopped him to thank him for listening to all of my venting about whatever, and he told me to hit him up at any time if I ever wanted to talk. So sweet.

Le sigh. Honestly, I’m good with keeping my feelings away as we get closer as friends. I have this gut feeling that I’ll know exactly when I’m meant to say just exactly what I’d really like to say to him, so I’m going to continue to go with my gut on this. This patience that I’ve been working on for the past five – six months is finally coming in handy.

Anyways, that’s about it for that! Oh man, I hope I have tons of fun on this trip. I’m sure I will! I know it’s Las Vegas and all but… I really do hope I’ll learn something from this trip. That I’ll grow in some way. Hawaii was so transformative and spiritual for me. This trip is looking to be more so about indulgence than anything else. But we’ll see. I’m seeing a lot of signs and omens that are reaffirming that this is what I was meant to be doing right now, so I’m going to go along with that.

On another note before I go – today, mom came up to me and said that I’m not allowed to travel anywhere else until I graduate. I burst out laughing, but she was dead serious, which kind of crushed my soul a little.

I’m going on 25 years old. She literally cannot stop me from doing whatever the hell I want to do. I don’t mean to say this in a resentful tone, but… I mean, you can’t “punish” me for not going along to whatever time frame is embedded in your head!!! I don’t know how else to explain this to her!!! And as I told her this, she was like, “well then maybe I’ll just go join my dad in heaven then”, (kill herself).

I honestly think that she suffers from depression of some kind. These comments aren’t just damaging towards me, they’re also extremely alarming, especially since she says them in such a normalized way. Dad jumped in and tried to explain that everyone’s on their own path and that she can’t control everything (much to my surprise). I looked at him and thanked him sincerely, which in turn seemed to surprise him as well.

I blame my dad for a lot of things, but sometimes we seem to be on the same page a lot more than my mom and I are. My dad’s always wanted what was best for me, but he’s also encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. On my mom’s side, it’s solely what she thinks is best for me, which is based on her rigid and unwavering viewpoints of society and success.

I asked him how she couldn’t see what she was saying was so hurtful, and he quietly agreed and mouthed at me, “just forgive her”. And you know, despite how angry I may get over how much whatever she says hurts, he’s right.

I don’t really have any choice but to forgive her and let go. Not just for her sake but for my own. I can’t harbour anger or resentment towards her because ultimately, she’s done so much for Natasha and I, and sacrificed so much.

I’m only human man. I can only take so much. I wish she could see all the good instead of focusing on whatever she perceives as the bad – I’m a good kid. I never got arrested or did super hard drugs, I’ve always loved and respected them both (despite whatever rebellious phases I went through during high school and early university). I’ve always had good intentions, succeeded at whatever I set my mind to, and I have a plan I intend to follow through with, despite how long it’s taken me to get to it.

It makes my heart so sad. Sadder than I could ever explain. Olivia tried to explain that mom’s love is unconditional in some ways, but I just don’t feel it. I know the love is there and I know she would die for us. I know she loves us more than she loves herself, more than her own life. It’s deep, and real, and true. But her expectations of me, the way she conveys what she wants for me, the way she speaks to me and about me, makes me feel like nothing but a failure. Ergo, her love feels conditional to me – because I only feel it when things are going well, or according to plan.

I know parenting is no easy gig – there’s no manual, no guidebook. Not to mention, my parents grew up here and raised a family without their own parents. It was literally starting from scratch. I will always try, in some form or way, to cut them some slack. I’ll always try to understand. I know she deserves my empathy, rather than my anger. So I’ll try. I promise I will, despite how hurt I may get.

Every time she makes a comment, I’ll just try my hardest to remain patient, to breathe through the negativity and maintain my centered mind frame. I’ll try to not let her fears get to me. Her fears will not become my own. Her perceptions of success and failures will not become mine.

Alright, that’s enough for tonight. I’m flying out of the country soon, I’m going to escape for a little while and clear my head. When I come back, I know there’s going to be some wreckage that I have to deal with. But I will. And I will get through it with everything intact. I know I will.

But for now? Let’s go raise a little hell.

I’ll try to write every day. I’m about to embark on a solo journey to a city of brightly lit colours and no sleep. Here’s to yet another adventure.

Until the next time I write!

Love, love always,

Me.

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