Day 184 + 185 – July 3rd & 4th, 2017

Hello! So I totally would have wrote yesterday but I was pretty tired from my extra-long day yesterday, so when I got home I just ate, watched some Office, and then headed to bed to get some well-deserved and much-needed sleep. And, I got to sleep in this morning so I’m feeling a lot more refreshed and recharged.

Okay! So I’ve experienced a couple different things in the past couple days that I definitely need to address, so I need to finish catching up about Las Vegas, throw in some back ground information to precede the log that I wrote on the plane coming back, post that log, and then continue on from there. Alright, that’s the game plan! So let’s see, where was I about Vegas…

Ah yes, the club night. Yes, that was hands down one of the best nights I’ve ever had out in my entire life. That same night, we watched the Cirque du Soleil show called “O” and it was absolutely breath-taking. The feats they achieved and performed had me on the edge of my seat sometimes – the stage would change from solid to water within minutes, there was fire, and acrobatics, you name it! It was incredible. I’m so glad that I got to experience something as amazing as that.

Overall, it was an amazing trip. We got to spend some time with Luna’s lovely family, had a very interesting conversation with Luna’s uncle (who’s an ex-military sergeant, holy). Luna, Lana and I had such a good time, we laughed so much and we get along so well when we travel! I honestly can’t wait to travel with them again. We’re all so chill, and go with the flow, so it just works out perfectly for us when we go away together. And, the tarot card guy told us that he could see us travelling again together, and we did! I have a feeling that we’ll definitely continue to.

At the end of the trip, Luna and Lana left Friday night, which meant I was on my own for a night. So, I got brave, and had Luna’s aunt drop me off at the edge of the strip so that I could adventure around it by myself and… it was SO MUCH FUN! I felt so at peace and content, happier than ever with my own company. I went to Flamingo one last time, played some slots, and then I walked over to the Bellagio where there was a live DJ spinning some of my favourite Spanish tunes, and people were dancing! It was literally the perfect night.

At the end, I walked around the Bellagio Botanical gardens one last time, basking in the magic of the atmosphere and the scent of the thousand flowers perfuming the air. That garden definitely became my favourite place in the whole city.

I’m so proud of myself and happy. When I bought myself a drink and sat down to enjoy the Spanish music, some people approached me to ask me why I was on my own, but I was totally okay with it! In fact, they ended up striking up some conversations with me, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I definitely want to travel by myself completely one day, the same way Adelaide has. I can only begin to imagine the things I would experience, the people I would meet.

Anyways, that concludes my Vegas trip! There was this moment that I was sitting in our room looking out the window to the view of the strip, when I realized something. I want this life – I want to travel, experience all the different cities and countries in the world. Literally every place I’ve been to so far has been a different kind of experience, unique to itself.

I hope I never stop. There’s nothing like it, really.

Anyways, when I was on the plane coming home, I was reading “Who Says You Can’t”, and it led me to a couple realizations that I ended up recording in an impromptu log in that moment. (Written on Day 182, Saturday July 1st). Before I post it within this log (ooh, a log within a log – log inception! HAHA.), I’m going to talk a little bit about what I was going through before I left to Las Vegas.

I think I mentioned in one of the logs I wrote before I left, that I was suddenly missing Nick? Yeah well, the feeling ended up intensifying. I have no idea why, but I couldn’t get him out of my mind. Even while I was away, I was seeing things that reminded me of him. Anyways, I ended up addressing it in this log. After I post this, I’ll continue on and elaborate on what this feeling led to me doing, and what conclusions I’ve been left with now.

Here it is:

“I just realized. A big reason as to why I haven’t said anything to Dylan about how I feel, isn’t just totally due to fear. It’s because I don’t want a relationship. I’ve become so comfortable with the way that things are right now, just me on my own, that I don’t want to change things by bringing anyone else into my life. Holy crap.

Relationships are amazing and I love being in them – you have a best friend who will support and love you and show you all the new ways you can grow, and you experience life’s adventures together and it makes it that much better but… when you miss them, you miss hard. You care so deeply that little things that really shouldn’t hurt you, do.

I’m scared. I’m happy with who I am and where I am right now. I don’t want to be the person I was when I was in my relationship with Nick. I don’t ever want to be that person again.

I’ll never know until I try, I know. But I don’t want someone like Dylan to be a “guinea pig” relationship. I don’t want things to be trial and error. That’s how much I like him. And that’s why I won’t go anywhere near the territory that could jeopardize whatever we are right now. I know relationships aren’t perfect – they’re hard work and continuous effort.

I don’t think I could ever be that person again, because I’ve learnt and grown so much. But I still have so much to learn. And I don’t want whatever else I have to learn, to put a strain on whatever I could have with Dylan, (if he did by some miracle happen to end up feeling the same as me).

There’s so much uncertainty and possibilities to what could happen if I opened the lid of that jar by telling him how I feel. Because once I go there, there’s no going back. I can’t know what will happen, and the fear of that uncertainty scares me to the point that I would rather just stay friends, despite how much I imagine myself telling him how I feel. How do I move past this fear? But the more accurate question now, is: do I even want to?

I know deep down fear has me over-complicating things in my head. Yes, there are a ton of possibilities that may or may not occur if/when I tell him how I feel.

I think for now, I just need to focus on myself again and getting me back on track. Once I’m more comfortable with my own priorities and the direction in which my life is heading according to my own will, I think I’ll be more ready to take on something like a possible relationship. And hey, it may be that it doesn’t happen it all – he could very likely not feel the same way, not want a relationship, or only see me as a friend.

Even if these are the cases, all I can hope for is that we can remain friends. Dylan doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would suddenly change the way he’d act towards me if I were to tell him something as personal as that though, honestly he seems very mature. So in the end, I’m sure no matter what I’m imagining in my head as the worst case scenario, is nowhere near what could really transpire in real life. Things in my head are usually so much worse anyways.

Okay, I feel better.

It’s been about half a year since I’ve been out of my relationship. And half a year since I’ve been having these feelings towards Dylan. Despite either of these things, I’ve grown to become so comfortable with my own company, and I am happy. No matter who comes or goes, no matter what is written, my newly discovered self-generated happiness is something that no one can take away from me.

Ou I feel that calming sense of clarity, serenity and awareness coming on again. I haven’t written in a while so, it’s been a little bit since I’ve been in touch with myself.

I have a lot to take care of when I land. I was terribly stressed out about it, but you know what? I can’t do that to myself. I accept the position I am currently in, due to my own decisions. Now, I find solutions. Now, I move forward and do better. I change my patterns and habits.

And continuously make movements to do so. I won’t allow myself to drift. I won’t allow myself to become stagnant.

One last thing before I go.

Lately, I’ve been seeing Nick’s name everywhere. Like while I was in Las Vegas, literally every keychain or name tag that jumped out at me had the nickname that he’s known by or a part of his actual name.

There was one night that I spent there, re-reading our old conversations. And before this trip even, I was thinking about him and thinking about our relationship. So I get why his name was jumping out at me everywhere – the brain selects what we choose to see or focus on. He’s been on my mind, so I’m seeing things that remind me of him where ever I look.

The question is, why has he been on my mind? Am I missing our friendship again? Why am I so curious as to what’s been going on in his life?

I can’t go there, and yet I find myself entertaining the musings of possibly asking him if he’d like to go for coffee sometime. Even as I type this, I feel my brain shaking its head at me in confusion. Why? What’s the motivation behind these feelings and thoughts?

Okay, let’s see. Sure, it’s been half a year. But that’s half a year of being apart versus three years of building a relationship with one another. I’ve told myself time and time again, it’s not going to be that easy to heal and move past this. This isn’t an open and shut case, it’s not a race to some imaginary finish line – it’s a marathon over roving hills with mostly ups and a couple downs.

He was a huge, huge part of my life. Possibly the closest thing to real love that I’ve ever experienced. No matter how far I may have come so far, doesn’t mean I’m completely immune to the feelings our relationship once brought me.

Knowing this, I can’t, I cannot, go there. I know it’s best if we just stop talking (as we have been), and stay away from each other, and that’s just what’s best in order for us to keep moving on. But man.

I know he’s been dating again, and I’m so curious!!! Not even in like a jealous way (because I’ve been making continuous efforts to eradicate that negative emotion from my life in all aspects). Literally, pure curiosity. How did he meet them? How did it go? Did he fall for them? Did he compare them to me? Do his parents know?

This is so weird to me. The relationship with Don, I was able to make a pretty clean break. My life moved on with no problems whatsoever, because in my heart I knew without a doubt that he and I were not compatible in any way at all. I knew for sure he and I were not meant to be together. So it was so easy for me to move on, to enjoy my life as I saw fit.

Meh. I know it’ll get easier as time goes on. I’m only human, I’m going to have some bad days before they can all become good days again. As long as I keep going along that train track of thought, hopefully I’ll be able to resist the seductive temptations of curiosity. But yo. If he messages me anytime soon.. I don’t know. I just might. Mostly also because I know I want to give him back his YorkU sweater. I can’t have that in my closet anymore, I really can’t. (Also somewhere deep down I know I can use that as an excuse to see him, oops. Why am I like this HAHA).

We’ll see what happens though. Time to get back to reality!!! I’m not nervous, I won’t let myself be. I’m excited, to continue shaping my life into what I would like it to be. I’ll write again soon. I have to compile a Las Vegas log! Until I’m back on Canadian soil then!

Love,

Me.”

Okay so, that was that. In all honesty, I think it was a big part of curiosity and just suddenly missing being in a relationship, more than anything else. I’m happy on my own, I really am, and I’m going to continue to do so for as long as I can. But… I might have given into the curiosity on Sunday night, LOL.

So yes, I messaged him. Albeit I wasn’t in an, um… “proper” state of mind? But I’m glad that I did it.

He was perfectly polite, and kind of formal, in all honesty. Which made me realize… I think he really does want to move on. Or that he already has. I made the decision to end our relationship – the least I can do, for both myself and for him, is to let us both continue to move on.

I keep saying that I had no expectations to the conversation, but I did, deep down. I know I did. But at least now, I know for sure. No more burning curiosity. It’s over! And it’s okay that it is. I’ve been doing so well for myself for the past six months (yesterday marked the official six month mark of us breaking up).

It’s so interesting to me how different the six month mark is from the third month mark. I thought that things would progressively get easier, but that’s not the case eh? But like I said before, it’s not a steady incline upwards, it’s roving hills of up and down. Time to make my way back up!

That being said… I’m not going to pretend that it didn’t all hurt, just a little. Knowing that he’s dating, moving on, all of that. I know I’m doing the same – I myself have gone on a date, I’ve moved on as well and even gone as far to have feelings for someone else. I didn’t think he’d still be on my mind after all of this time. But it really hasn’t been that long. Not compared to how much time we spent together.

It’s going to get easier, I do know that. It already is, with each day that’s passing so far. Eventually, a day will come where I can get rid of all of our memories in that box, give back the sweater (or get rid of it, whatever is meant to happen). I just need to be a little bit more patient with myself, not just patient in general.

At least I know where we stand now, and what I want for myself! Because for a second there, I wasn’t sure. For a second there… I was wondering, I’ll admit. Entertaining the ideas of going back maybe. I know he’s different, we both are. But what’s done is done, what’s happened has happened. Everyone knows that you can’t go back, only forward. So, that’s all I can do. It’s what I want to do.

Anyways, that’s that! Moving on now, I have a couple more things to do: the six month check-in questions that I promised myself that I would do when we broke up (which seems rather redundant now since I know where I stand, but oh well). Also I have to address how good it feels to be enrolled again, back in school. And then lastly, I need to address whatever “realizations” I had towards Dylan in that earlier log I wrote while I was on the plane. Okay, six month check-in first.

How do you feel about him now? LOL. Well. It’s been a long six months. I spent so much of it doing quite well for myself, having him not be on my mind and whatnot. In this moment right now? After everything I’ve just discussed with myself, I feel… good. I mean like, I don’t feel strongly towards him, no negative feelings like resentment, and no “feeling” feelings either. Just quiet acceptance of understanding that I need to continue to move on. That’s all.

Did you do the right thing? I will never not be sure that I did the right thing. Even in that tiny little conversation we had, I could tell that he was different, but in good ways. We’ve both grown. We’re both going to continue to. But, in separate directions, as it was meant to be. And that’s totally okay.

Do you regret it? No. I never will. It was the best possible thing I could have done for the both of us.

And, are you happy? Right now? My heart is a little, tiny bit sore. I’m not going to act like I don’t miss him sometimes. I know what I have to do, I know that we’re both moving on. Sometimes, it’s just as simple as missing an old friend, that’s all. But overall? I am happy. I’ve never enjoyed my own company more, I’m doing everything I wanted to do for myself, and I’m doing it for me. I can’t ask for more than that.

That’s that! I just realized. Doing this six month check-in means that there’s a little less than six months left to this year!!! Holy crap. I’m going to make it just as amazing as these past six months have been. I can’t believe we’re already half way into this year! Time really does fly.

Another thing I just realized. I actually feel like a huge weight’s been taken off my chest. Sorting out my feelings and thoughts towards Nick makes it feel like I just took something pretty hefty off of my plate! Which leaves my plate clear for other things, such as certainty and clarity in my feelings towards someone else…

Before I get to that though – so yes, I’m all re-enrolled for school! I’m actually so excited. I can’t wait to get back into it, really challenge my brain and be a student again. I’m in no rush to be an adult with a full time career and all of that – I may be going on 25, but it sure doesn’t feel that way! Actually, 25 no longer sounds old to me anymore. I’m looking forward to that too. 25, to me, sounds like the peak year of my life. My mid-twenties, the best time of my life. I can’t wait!

Anyways, back to my prior realizations about Dylan. Man, my thoughts towards this are always changing so quickly that it’s actually hard to keep up sometimes! There are two consistent things that I’ve recognized about this so far: my feelings for him, and my fear. Those two things have been a driving factor in the way my thoughts change, constantly, (ironically).

Keeping things simple – I still feel like I need to get to know him more. My feelings were based off of that first initial attraction and deepened as I got to know him, but on a surface level. I still don’t know the deeper things, like the worst fears or unspoken dreams, the biggest goals or most painful scars. I want to know that kind of stuff! Hopefully at the cottage, I’ll get the chance to learn more of these things.

But what I said before in that log stands true though – I may miss the idea of being in a relationship, but I’m in no hurry to launch myself back into one. Not until I have some real certainty that what I choose to invest myself and my time in has real substantial potential. So until then, I’m cool with just this, just the way things are right now.

Anyways, I believe I have covered absolutely everything and that I am now all caught up, mentally and emotionally!

This week, I’m just going to spend time working and making money, and that’s about it. I don’t have any plans for more because Leila is away in Cuba (I MISS HER) so it’s not like I really have anyone to make plans with, as it is, LOL. Can’t wait to see her when she gets back though!

By this weekend, there will only be two weeks left until we leave to the cottage!!!!!! I’m so, so excited to be able to get away again. The cottage is truly my safe haven, so I can’t wait to get away and get some reflection in by the sunrise or sunset, when I can.

I can’t believe that this intention actually manifested!!! I remember when Luna and I were just lightly coming up with this plan, how a part of me didn’t actually believe it could happen, but it did! I can’t wait. I have a really, really good feeling about it.

Anyways, that’s all for today! I’ve got work later this evening, so I’m going to go do some laundry and then start getting ready for that. I’ll write sometime tomorrow! Until then,

Love,

Me.

Day 185 continued…

Holy crap, for some reason I thought that the long log I wrote this morning, was written yesterday! It’s so weird how my days are starting to feel like two days in one. I finished work, and I’m home now. In all honesty, this week feels so weird to me because for some reason it feels like a Wednesday even though it’s only Tuesday. I think it’s because I went right back to work on the Sunday, which made it feel like a Monday.

I feel like I’m going nuts. I know everything I’m reading or have read thus far is telling me that I myself have the power to control and select my thoughts, that I am the master over my own emotions and the way I react to things. So, it’s either that I don’t have that control, or I’m purposely choosing to think about the one person who seems to be refusing to leave my goddamn brain.

It’ll be better tomorrow. And even more so the day after that. That’s what I keep telling myself. In a couple days, a week max, the memories will stop cropping up and the daydreams will cease to exist. I believe in it. It’s what I want. It’s how things are meant to be. I will keep saying this until it becomes true. I don’t want anything more than friendship (or even acquaintance-ship, if that’s a thing) with Nick. It’s not personal, I just cannot, will not go backwards in that direction. It’s not even a matter of resentment or anger, I don’t have any of that left. In fact, we ended things on pretty damn good terms. I was even okay with us talking here and there because it didn’t bother me! WHERE DID THAT FEELING OF ACCEPTANCE GO?!

Honestly, what the hell is going on!? Marilyn’s theory is that I miss intimacy, that that’s what I’m craving and that’s why I’m suddenly missing him and our relationship. She thinks I should either meet with him for coffee, or just get in a good “shagging” with someone new. LMAO. She may be right, on the latter. I DON’T WANT TO MEET UP!!!! And yet, a part of me DOES. Lord, give me strength to get through this weird little phase I’m in that I barely understand myself.

I have to let him move on, I can’t make any stupid, hasty decisions based off of these most likely fleeting and temporary pangs of emotion! I can’t jeopardize where we are right now just because of how I’m currently feeling because knowing me, it’s subject to change any given day now! So, NO. I messaged him, I got it out of my system, and that’s that. No more. No mas. Got that?

Yes.

Okay, off to bed with you young lady. Also, I love you, I know you’re only human and that these things happen, I’m not actually upset with you. If anything, this is rather amusing, to a certain degree. An ironic twist of events. I honestly don’t know where this onslaught of past feelings is coming from or why. But it’s okay, we’ll get through it together, just like we do everything else.

Goodnight!

Love,

Me.

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