Day 186 – July 5th, 2017

Hello! I’ve had a lovely day. I worked in the morning and it felt like forever, but I made it through and got to have the rest of my day to myself to read outside, get some sun, and then spend the rest of the day binging Netflix.

So a weird thing happened last night. I usually turn my phone on vibrate mode before I go to sleep, but for some reason last night… I had this feeling that I should leave the sound on. Like, as though someone was going to message me, and I needed to hear it.

And I know that sounds crazy. But, it ended up actually happening. I wonder if that was my intuition, or… I don’t know. It’s inexplicable. Anyways, so it turned out to be Nick who messaged me, strangely enough.

It was purely friendly, a gif of a dancing gorilla (no idea why). But I must admit, it did make me pretty happy. And, he messaged again today, and we’ve been talking a little bit since.

I know. I know. I don’t really know what’s going on. I’m just, going with it. I keep telling myself that this isn’t what I want, but it’s half-hearted. How is it that I’m possibly kind of slightly sort of still having feelings for him? (I should mention, I am in fact typing this log quite drunk. In vino veritas, right? And I meant that pun too, I’m on my second glass of white wine, haha).

I’m off tomorrow, so I think I’m going to do an in-depth analysis of my past logs from the start of this year and try to understand why or where this is all coming from.

I’m also going to read on the patio, unwind and just have some time to myself. I’m so excited! After tomorrow, I work every day for the next two weeks straight. But I’m looking forward to it! I may think about how tired I feel sometimes, but there’s a part of me that’s enjoying how hard I’ve been working and I’m going to focus on that feeling instead.

Being completely and totally honest with myself here for a moment – I get why this isn’t as surprising as I’m making it out to be. I forgave Nick for everything a very long time ago. I’ve accepted what’s happened between us, made my peace with it. I’ve understood that his being utterly honest with me (when it happened), was a form of respect and the feelings he had for me. If he hadn’t of told me the truth, and selfishly continued on with our relationship, that would have been a different story.

We were happy. I broke up with him because I needed to be on my own, grow as a person, explore the world. And that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m happier now than I ever have been because I’ve steered my life back onto a track, and I’m continuing to do so. And from the brief moments that we’ve spoken throughout these months, it seems as though he’s grown too. So it only makes sense that I become curious. Because despite whatever may have happened between us, we were well-matched in so many different aspects, and he was my best friend. So yeah, despite my baffled reaction to this, deep down I know and understand why I am feeling the way I am these days. It’s not just curiosity.

I’ve put these feelings away and successfully managed to compartmentalize them in a box in the back of my mind as I carried on with my life for the past six months. Did I magically get over him? Did those feelings miraculously go away just because I started having feelings for someone else? No. I know better than that.

I’m just going to go with whatever happens. I’m tired of trying to plan everything or go along according to some invisible plan that exists solely in my head! Whatever happens, happens. What is meant to be, will be. If it is written, it will occur. These are the beliefs that I know to be the truth, that resound throughout my being. I will go along accordingly.

Okay, time for me to hit the bed before I end up texting something I might regret.

Actually, no. I won’t live my life with regrets because everything I choose to do or have ever chosen to do, that was exactly what I wanted in that moment. So, no. Here’s to living life with no regrets.

Ugh. I miss drinking wine with my best friend. She needs to get back from Cuba asap. LOL JK, because she’s having the time of her life there and even though I miss her, she deserves this trip and I just want her to be happy. Leila, if you’re reading this right now, I love you. LOL.

Okay, bed time for miss drunky over here. I’m just going to finish this one last glass of wine, and then it’s sleepy-time for me.

I love myself, I really do.

Love, love, love, all around and always,

Me.

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