Day 187, 188, 189 – July 6th, 7th & 8th, 2017

Hello! Okay so it’s around 3 am on July 8th, 2017, Day 189. It’s been an interesting past couple days. Dad’s birthday passed, we went to the temple and it was really nice, even if it was for a brief moment. I’m really tired, and I know I should sleep, but I have to, HAVE TO, type out a couple things here first.

Okay so, for the past couple days, Nick and I have been messaging each other here and there, and I once again started another one of those conversations. Not only that, we ended up talking about horoscopes (because I follow them), and I told him that I read the horoscopes of the people I care about (to warn them about imminent danger, hehe). And then I told him his recent horoscope, and he was like, “wait, you read my horoscope? You care?!” And yes, that was exactly what I meant by saying that.

On top of all this, today was Dylan’s tattoo appointment day and I was so excited to get snapchats or pictures from him of his tattoo, which he promised he’d send, the same way I sent pictures of mine to him when I get my own tattoo done. And I was positive it was today because I knew his appointment was on the day after my dad’s birthday. But all day, nothing. So, a part of me was sad, because even setting aside whatever feelings I’ve developed for him, I had thought that we were good enough friends for him to at least share that with me.

But then later this night, he ended up snapchatting me a couple videos of him walking around in New York city. I wasn’t planning on texting him to ask if his tattoo appointment was today, but out of curiosity I asked after he sent me that snap. Turns out, his appointment got rescheduled and so he ended up driving down to New York just for the heck of it. And man, he was super drunk LMAO. He was drunk snap-messaging me, saying that he was walking around a sketchy area of Queens with a “nice local”. I told him that it sounded like quite the adventure and to have fun, but to stay safe. He’s a cute drunk texter, LOL.

So, putting ALL of this aside – what the hell is going on with me?!

I literally cannot figure out where my head and heart are at right now. Everything was so concise and clear about 2 or 3 weeks ago. And then all of a sudden, the ghosts of feelings past made a recurrence. And then those ghosts became more substantial.

I don’t know what I want or what’s meant for me, or what’s right. Do I move forward, try things out with someone new? Or do I go back, and try to move forward with someone who meant the world to me, once upon a time? I’m not saying I need to make a decision now or anything like that. I just want to know why, all of a sudden, option b has become an option at all. I want to know what I want, with pure certainty, before I pull two people into my mess of emotions and thoughts. So, it’s just best that I stay lowkey and away from both of them until I know where my heart truly lies.

Both ideas are scary. It’s always scary to try things out with someone new, because it may not work out. And, it’s scary to go back to something when you know everything is different. I know I’m different, and I know he’s different too. Would we even be compatible anymore? Could we really learn to make a relationship work after having spent this time apart? Is that even what he would want anymore?! When we broke up, I told him to move on and forget me, to not wait for me. What if he already has? What if this isn’t even a viable option for me to consider at all? What if I’m being selfish by not allowing him to move on?

Again, it’s just best if I stay lowkey and stop messaging and stop saying things I can’t take back, at least not until I know for sure where I stand when it comes to my feelings and my thoughts on the matter.

I have this feeling that after the cottage weekend in two weeks, I’ll know for sure what (or whom, I suppose), I want. Are Dylan and I meant to be just good friends, and nothing more? Do I want to go back to the comfort and familiarity of Nick because the thought of something new is much more frightening than anything else? All these questions!!!

I’m going to start meditating again because the universe seems to be pointing out that that’s how I will find some answers to these questions.

Alright, I just had to get that out because it was all on my mind. I will do some more introspective thinking when I find the time. In the meanwhile, it’s off to bed for me. Until next time!

Love,

Me.

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