Day 190 + 191 – July 9th & 10th, 2017

I think I’m going to puke.

I’m currently talking with Nick (we’ve been talking about all kinds of stuff for a little while now), and he just said that I could “post pictures with any guy I want without having to tell him first”, like I don’t have to have a talk with him to tell him I’m dating, (if I was). And I said there wasn’t any guy, but that likewise, he could post pictures with any girl too if anything (if he’s dating).

And now here I am, trying not to shake. What if he is dating someone?

He just replied, and didn’t address what I said. Should I bring it up? Should I ask? I’m dying to know if this is a lost cause now, if I’ve… lost him.

I did it. OMG.

MY HEART. IS BEATING. SO FAST. I AM GOING TO PUKE.

I’m literally shaking. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. HOLY CRAP.

Okay so, I was basically like “how is your dating going? Because you were asking for advice about it before, remember?” and then I was immediately like “never mind, that was really personal and you don’t have to answer that”.

And then he was like “I didn’t ask you for advice” and I brought up the examples he gave me of specific situations, and told him through those I just assumed he was dating again. And well…

Turns out, they were just situations he’d been in before he started dating me that he was curious to get my perspective about. Well.

I apologized. LOL.

Okay so he said he’s not dating anyone but he has been running with a girl he met every week lately, but that they’re just friends (for now, I added in my head as I read this).

I feel like my eyes are going to explode, is that possible?

Okay, update: we’re going to dinner at the restaurant tomorrow. He’s going to save us a table.

WHAT. IS. MY. LIFE.

Imagining him running with a new pretty girl – it didn’t evoke jealousy or insecurity. I’m perfectly happy with myself and jealousy is no longer allowed in my life. It did evoke a deep sadness though. But also happiness? Because I want him to be happy. I don’t want to be selfish towards him. I let him go.

Okay so I took a brief break from writing to think and just sit for a little. I’m going to back track to how amazing Saturday turned out to be, and then I’ll come back to this.

I got to go visit Olivia at camp!!!! It was so, so much fun. I zip-lined for the first time in my life, and I also rock-climbed. It was the perfect little summer road trip with the girls – we belted out classics like “A Thousand Miles” and “Unwritten”, singing at the top of our lungs and just being carefree. It was so, so nice to be truly present in the moment, right there and then. And then we ended off the day by taking a dip at the beach in Goderich. All in all, it was a great way to start off the summer with the family. To top everything off, Olivia ended up coming home with us to stay for the week!

Yesterday, which was Sunday July 9th, my mom and I got into a lot of wine and we three girls ended up having quite the heart to heart. My mom talked about past things in her life that caused her pain and vented to us, and I ended up crying about Nick, LOL. I don’t remember a lot of it (I kept pouring continuous glasses for both my mom and I), but Olivia told me that I kept saying, “what if he doesn’t love me anymore?”. I didn’t even realize myself that I felt that way about it. There really is a lot of truth in wine, LMAO.

Oh, oh before that though! I had a shift at my second job that actually went amazingly well. It was busy and time went by so fast! And, I sat a customer and ended up talking to him for a bit. I kind of wanted to leave, but my gut said stay, and I’m so glad I did because he ended up giving me $50 bucks as a tip!!!! He said he could see talent in me, which was really nice. He made my entire night.

I’m slowly getting more and more accustomed to working there with every shift. Better yet, I’m actually starting to like it! Thank goodness. I was getting sick of the anxiety I got before every shift.

Which leads me to today.

I feel so centered. I just had a nice long talk with Leila that actually helped me to put my own feelings into perspective. I’m honestly so lucky to have her.

I’m not going to go into it anymore, because I don’t feel like I have to. I’m just at peace with it. I’m literally going with my gut on everything I do now, and I’m just going to let it lead me where it will.

My life is in such a good place in every way. I’m ready and willing for whatever else is meant for me. And if this isn’t one of those things, then that’s okay. But, I’ll never know until I try so… here’s goes nothing. Or everything? Who knows.

One thing I must say though. I don’t want to be selfish when it comes to this, when it comes to him. If he’s happy without me, moving on with his life, then I’ll happily let go and do the same. I let him go so that I could grow as a person on my own and I will never, ever regret that. I wouldn’t be who I am on this day if I hadn’t of done what I did. It was necessary. That being said, if there’s some slight chance that I could apply this growth to a new relationship with him… I have to see tomorrow, if that’s what lies in my heart. If that’s what I truly want for myself. I don’t think I’ll know for sure until I hear his voice again, see his face. So, we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

I’m not nervous. I’m glad I’m doing something about this, rather than letting my incessant thoughts torture me.

I think I’ll head to bed now! It was nice to have an impromptu day off today. Here’s to living in the present moment, always!

Love, love, love,

Me.

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