Day 192 – July 11th, 2017

Well.

I now know for sure. I am not over Nick. But, I think he’s over me.

I can’t assume that or know it for sure, but judging by how this evening went, that’s the impression I’m left with. Here’s what happened.

When we first got there, he seemed really happy to see us. But then as the evening progressed, he barely looked our way once! His brother took care of our table and made conversation, and even his dad stopped by for a little bit, but that was it. I don’t know if it’s because it was overwhelming, or we made him nervous, but yeah.

My heart is super sad, and I kind of want to cry. I didn’t really know what to expect tonight. I thought maybe that I was just missing our relationship and friendship or how things used to be, but seeing him and hearing his voice when he said hi, I miss more than just that. I miss him.

I got to hug him goodbye as we were leaving, which was nice. And honestly, it was so great to see his family again because they’re always so friendly and so welcoming. His mom said I was welcome anytime.

So, I still have some very serious and deep unresolved feelings towards him. It makes sense now, why I couldn’t part with all of our stuff, our memories in that box. Why I held back so much when it came to Dylan.

But here’s the thing. I broke up with him. Granted, it needed to be done because I think we’re both better people for it. But, I’m the one who let him go. So because I still care deeply about him and want him to be happy, I’m not going to drag him back into my life. Not when I have no idea whether or not he’s happier without me. I can’t do that, I’m not going to be selfish. I care too much about him to simply consider my own feelings and wants.

I wanted to know for sure where I stood, and now I do. Now, I take these feelings with me and understand that it’s going to take real and serious time, not just a measly six months and a crush on someone else.

This is the guy who gave me his warm and dry shoes during frosh week, when my own were soaked in the rain and my feet were freezing. The guy who walked half way across campus to make sure a blind woman got exactly to where she needed to be. The guy who made me laugh with the silliest jokes that exactly matched my own sense of humour. Who showered me with affection at the randomest times. The guy who actually gazed at me in adoration whenever we were stopped at a red light. Someone who knew literally every detail about me, from my worst fears and failures to my deepest hopes and dreams. The guy who took me to an art exhibit because he knew my favourite artist’s paintings would be featured. The guy who encouraged me when I felt like completely giving up, someone who made me believe in myself simply because of how much he believed in me too. The guy who helped me to be confident about my body, and made me feel like a goddess for everything that I was. The guy whose simple touch could make my skin feel like it was lit on fire in the best way possible. The guy who supported my spontaneity and indulged my whimsical moments of frivolity. The guy who was utterly respectful and polite towards my family, who in turn grew to love him. The guy who made me feel more free and more loved than anyone I have ever been with.

This was love.

So, no. I somehow thought that keeping all of this in the back of my mind was some form of moving on. But it’s all still there, it never left.

I’m not going to tell him that I feel this way. I just don’t think it’s fair – I break up with him, and now all of a sudden I want him back? Which a huge part of me does but… I feel like it’s selfish of me to consider that, without knowing what HE wants and how he’s feeling. So it’s just best if I let things be and play out as they’re meant to. After all, I am happy with myself and my life right now. Everything is so, so good and I can’t ask for more than this.

So that’s that! I’m sure with some real time, things will get better. At least now, I know what I know. This log helped me to feel a bit better about this. I think I might need to cry, but I’ll let it out eventually.

And on the bright side, at least I didn’t lose him completely right? He’s still in my life, as a friend, and we do talk here and there. So that’s good.

Alright, I’m going to end this now! It’s going to be a busy week of work for the next like 10 days but after that, it’s off to the cottage for some relaxation! I can’t wait.

Until tomorrow!

Love,

Me.

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