Day 193 – July 12th, 2017

Hello! So today I actually launched myself out of bed to go workout, which was definitely a great start to my day. And then after, I sat outside and cried on the porch for a while, LOL.

I wasn’t completely honest with myself in my log yesterday.

I’m not just sad about this. My heart quite literally feels scoured. Can you imagine realizing that you’re still in love with someone and not being able to do anything about it? Yeah, that’s me. It’s not just “strong feelings”. I still love him.

I can openly admit that now. Thing is, knowing that, I can’t be selfish and do or say anything about it, because it just isn’t my place. A part of me is like, “you’re still in love with him, so why don’t you cut the crap and just tell him so?” Well, if I do that, I’d be doing it for myself, to alleviate the pain I’m in now by telling him how I feel, without taking into consideration how it’d make him feel.

So, yup. I’m just here with a whole bunch of feelings that I can do nothing about. But it’s okay.

I truly believe, with every fiber of my being, that whatever is meant for me will come to me. And, if something is not meant to be in my life, then it won’t be. I can accept the laws and ways of the universe. I can be patient. It’s just a matter of continuing to live my life accordingly, to that belief.

Anyways, I just wanted to be more honest with myself today. I don’t think I was quite ready to go there last night. But I’ve cried and come to terms with it so I feel a lot better. Now, it’s time to get ready for work! After a week of working at my second job, I’m finally going back to working at my regular job. I can’t wait, I’ve honestly missed my coworkers so much. It’s going to be fun!

I’ll write tomorrow after my shift. Oh but before I go!

After the dinner yesterday, Nick messaged me to joke around with me about it, which made me pretty damn happy LOL. And today, while I was watching The Office, right in the middle of the scene that Jim is passionately holding Pam and their wedding vows are being repeated in the background (love is patient, love is kind etc.), Nick happened to message me, in what was one of the weirdest timings I’ve seen to date, (which promptly made me burst into tears for both Pam and Jim and myself, LMAO.) It was a very, very weird coincidence (not that I believe in coincidence anymore).

Oh well.

Until next time!

Love,

Me.

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