Day 194 – July 13th, 2017

Hello! Today was a good day! I had a great work shift, and now I’m home and relaxing. And, I’ve got some more realizations. I think I’m starting to get emotional whiplash, or thought whiplash – my thoughts and emotions change so quickly on a day to day basis that it’s hard for even ME to keep up sometimes. Thank goodness for my writing though!

So today. I’m feeling a lot better about my more recent realizations, still having feelings for Nick. It’s a lot easier when we don’t talk, which we didn’t today. It’s not as bad to deal with when I’m not thinking about it, and work’s been serving as a great distraction. I’m doing what I can to keep my mind off of it, because my hands are literally tied and there’s nothing I can do when it comes to that situation. So rather than lamenting over it, I choose to live my life to the fullest and be open to whatever life can bring.

I’m so tired of always trying to control the outcome of situations, tired of always wanting to know what the answer is. I always have so many questions towards the universe, towards myself, but you know what?

It’s time to just, let go and go with the flow. Accept what may come. Really and truly surrender.

Because I know for sure, that’s when life is at its best. When you can accept that we don’t really have that much control over the things that occur to us, that’s when you can learn how to experience life with ease rather than anxiety. I understand that I can control my decisions, and choose the way I react to the things that happen in my life. To a certain extent, I am the captain of my own fate, my destiny. But the minute I start trying to control the minute details, trying to find all the answers to the questions that don’t necessarily need answers in that moment? I take away from my own quality of living.

I’m doing everything I can for myself this year. I’m working two jobs to save money and enjoying every minute of each job, I’m travelling when I can and seeing the world, I’m being as loving and supportive as I can towards myself, and trying my best to maintain the same level of love and support towards the people in my life that I care about, I’m reading more, learning more, and constantly trying to maintain this newfound sense of awareness that I’ve recently acquired, in everything I do, say or think. These are my current choices. These are the things that are in my control.

As for love? Right now, (and for all time to come), my priority is being head-over-heels, no-holds-barred, one hundred and ten percent in love with myself. I’ve finally fallen in love with the one person I will with utter certainty be with for the rest of my entire life – me! And that, that’s what’s truly most important to me in this moment.

Whatever else that is meant to come, will come. But the minute I start to search for it, control it, make it into something that I want it to be? It will take away from the simplicity and beauty of what it could be. I’ve just got to let things happen as they do, and react accordingly. And THAT, is what my gut is yelling at me today. I’m listening, friend. I’m listening. I hear you!

It was a good day man. Actually, every day that I get to experience on this crazy, beautiful, tumultuous, uncontrollable and unpredictable planet, is a good day. Is an AMAZING day. I couldn’t be happier.

I’ve been taking some advice from the book I recently read, “Who Says You Can’t”, and as soon as I wake up, I try not to hit snooze and lay in bed for a half hour longer. Instead, lately I’ve been launching myself out of bed as soon as I wake up, and promptly engaging in about twenty jumping jacks until I feel my heart race. Not only is it good for my heart and metabolism for the rest of the day, it sets off an amazing mood right off the bat! Man, I honestly love the books that have found their way into my life this year. Implementing all this change in my life, be it small or big, has created the life that I want to live, a life filled with contentment, happiness, growth, positivity and constant learning.

So, those were my realizations for today! Now, to talk about the day itself.

Let’s see – it was an easy and quick shift! I sold some stuff, and it didn’t go by slowly as it normally does. Oh and, Dylan came in today! I haven’t seen him in about three weeks, so it was really nice to catch up.

Can’t lie, my heart might’ve skipped a beat or two when he walked into the department. Is it possible to not be over your ex AND still have a crush on someone else?!!?!? LOOOOL. I’m so done with myself. (But also not, I love me and I amuse me. Going with the flow!)

Really though, I’ve accepted that I’m open to whatever the universe has in store for me, so no, I’m not closing off all of my options just because I’ve realized what I have. Even if part of my feelings for Dylan were “rebound-y” (me trying to get over Nick) – they ended up turning into a pretty cool friendship over the course of this past year, and possibly a little more than that, so I accept that. Nothing is written in stone and I’m just going to go with what happens. No more trying to control how I feel, only how I react to what life brings me.

Anyways, that being said! We spent a lot of the shift catching up over everything we’ve missed in the past three weeks – my trip to Vegas, his spontaneous trip to New York and his adventures and training there, what we’ve been up to these days (he’s been training almost every day and I told him that Olivia is home now), about his rescheduled tattoo appointment, and whatever else came up.

Man. There was this moment that I showed him a tattoo design that matched an idea he was describing to me months ago, and he LOVED it! We started discussing placement ideas for the tattoo, and he pulled up his t-shirt sleeve to show me where he was thinking (his inner arm) and I have no idea if this is starting to get deliberate or not or if he’s aware of how ridiculously hot he is but, GOD. DAMN. The cut of the muscles on his arm. Mm. *bites fist* It took literally every ounce of my willpower to maintain a straight face and casual expression.

But then later in the day? LOLOLOL YO.

So I worked out yesterday but I didn’t stretch first and today, my right hip and the right side of my lower back was in a lot of pain. And Dylan himself has a lot of tension in his hips as it is (because of his jiu-jitsu and whatnot), so he was explaining to me what was happening in my hip to cause the pain, which was muscle inflammation.

When I was about to leave, he asked me to try out a couple stretches to see where it hurt and I did, and it turns out my pain happened to be quite close to wear he experiences his, which is right in the inner dip of his hip, just underneath the hip bone. And while we were talking about it, he was saying that if he were to flex it, I could see better for myself, and all of a sudden he hooked his thumb into the belt loop of his pants and tugged the corner low enough for me to see part of his hip. Like, the V-line area. Which coincidentally happens to be one of my favourite parts of a guy. Um.

Safe to say, I almost had to grab the counter beside me to stop myself from keeling over and passing out. LMFAO. I know he was just trying to help me understand where exactly the pain was resonating from but man. Y’AL L CAN’T BE PULLING SHIT LIKE DIS. My frail little heart cannot take things like that, it will definitely implode.

All in all, it was a pretty good day. He loved my all-spark hoover dam snapchat, texted me later on today to tell me he was in love with the tattoo design I showed him, and he’s super excited about the cottage and now, so am I. Mostly just to see him partially naked when we all go swimming. JOKES. (Mostly joking, anyways). I’m genuinely looking forward to hopefully getting to know him better. I know he holds people at arm’s length and doesn’t really let anyone in that easily, I can definitely gather that from having talked to him as much as I have for the past half year and STILL feeling like I don’t know that much about him. But we’ll see!

Universe, I’m leaving it you dude. I’m open to whatever. I’m going with the flow. My life is shaping out to be exactly how I’d like it to be in all the aspects that are within my control and my decisions. When it comes to this? That’s all you man. I’m not making any choices. I’m just going to let what happens, happen.

Cool! This is good stuff.

Alright then, that’s all for today! I’m working again tomorrow and then I’m working an overnight shift on Saturday, so this weekend seems pretty work filled but I’m not complaining! I like that I’m being kept busy in all honesty!

I’ll write tomorrow before I leave to my shift!

Love, love, love in all forms and ways,


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