Day 196 – 199 – July 15th, 16th, 17th, & 18th

Hello! Okay so, I haven’t written in a little while, and that’s on me! I just didn’t make the time for it, but also I was very busy this past weekend. I’ve been working every day, as per usual, but no complaints! I’m not overly exhausted, tired or stressed the way I was when I was serving and working at my regular job. Being a hostess is pretty much the perfect compromise for me, in order to successfully work two jobs! I’m happy, well-rested, I’m doing exactly what I set out to do at the start of this summer, and judging by what management tells me at second job, I’m doing it well. I’m very, very proud of myself.

Time is honestly flying! Within 3 days, we’ll be off to the cottage! Honestly, no matter what happens, I’m just happy to be getting away to one of my favourite places in the world. I don’t want to stress about other people or timing or who’s coming and who’s not, I really don’t care. I just want to go, watch the sunrise over the lake with a hot mug of tea, while sitting on the dock by myself. I just want the peace and tranquility that only the cottage can bring to me. Whatever else happens, happens.

I’ve been realizing a lot lately that going with the flow of the universe actually works, really well. I could feel myself totally surrender when I wrote that log last week, and I actually spoke it out into the universe to let it know that I was letting go and going with whatever happens, and I spoke it with so much honest intent that I could feel it resonate within me. Spoken intentions and words really hold so much more power than we realize. Everything, including what we say, holds energy. Creates a vibration. It’s so important to understand and realize this truth.

I’m trying to think if I’ve missed anything of importance that I wanted to write about, from this weekend. Let’s see… well, the annual overnight inventory shift was this weekend! It went pretty well. Olivia has gone back to camp, but she’s seemed to a lot more refreshed and collected after spending time at home, so I’m happy for her. I got to see Leila after so long of not seeing her!!! And on the Sunday, I went to rib fest on my own and ended up meeting up with Krystal! That was really nice, I’ve always loved talking to her and hanging out with her. I even remember in Cuba, on a lot of the last nights, she’d be the only one who wanted to go for midnight swims with me. We’d end up drifting around and around in circles under the stars, talking until like three in the morning. She’s got to be one of the most free-spirited people I know, for sure.

Another thing I wanted to mention! So lately, I’ve been implementing a lot of that “don’t give a fuck” attitude in some aspects of my life, and it’s been working out really well for me! The less I care about things that I shouldn’t care about, the more I lessen my personal anxiety. It’s been great! But I think I’m starting to get a little reckless though, LOL.

Okay so, there’s this manager at my main job that everyone hates. She’s basically got storm clouds hovering over her at all times of the day, and when she talks to people? She sucks the life out of them, and she’s always, always hostile and rude. She just doesn’t know how to speak nicely to people, and she’s always trying to find some way to abuse her power as a manager, as she clearly loves power tripping.

Deep down, I feel bad for her. Actually, that’s a lie, I feel no ways about her. It just is what it is. I don’t know her well enough to pity her because I don’t know what’s going on in her life, so I’m not going to say that I sympathize with her if I don’t. And what I know of her is enough to make me not like her so, that’s that.

In my almost three years of working at my regular job, she’s always found some way to pick on me, and earlier on, I used to be terrified of her. But now?

Let me give you some examples of how I’ve been talking back to her recently. Last week, she pulled me aside with my regular manager (who is a big, big sweet heart and I love her dearly), and tried to accuse me of telling her that I wasn’t supposed to get paid for my vacation. In actuality, I had told her I wasn’t sure. So I defended myself, and told my regular manager that that wasn’t true, right in front of the mean one, with no fucks to be given. I know for a fact that the mean one didn’t give a damn whether or not I got paid for my vacation, and so she had caught some flak for not paying me and was trying to pin it on me. But I wasn’t having it. My regular manager looked at me understandingly and confirmed that she talked to HR and was making sure that I would get paid, and so I turned my back on the mean manager to thank my regular manager as sweetly as possible for being a good manager and making sure I was taken care of, (loud enough for the other one to hear). And then I walked away.

Another example was yesterday. Lianna, Luna and I were talking and Lianna cracked a joke and I burst out laughing, which immediately attracted the mean manager into our department (she has to stifle and kill all amusement and happiness, of course). She marched over to us, looked directly at me and said that if the Store Manager heard “us” laughing that loudly, we’d get in trouble. Half way through her lecture, I simply stared at her and interrupted her to say, “you have lipstick on your teeth, by the way”, as casually as you please. I’m pretty sure she was taken aback and so was Lianna and Luna, but she passed over it as though nothing happened.

And then at the end of my shift, she called me over to ask me why I was wearing a “beige cardigan” over my black dress. Playing stupid, I was like “oh this? I’m not allowed to wear this? Aw darn.” I think she’s starting to pick up the sarcasm underneath my super fake politeness because she gave me a pretty dirty look and said, “I’m pretty sure you know the dress code by now. Do you have anything else to wear?”

I could hear the waves of triumph radiating under her tone of voice – she was looking to send me home if I replied that I didn’t have a black cardigan, as I couldn’t wear my dress alone on the floor (it was shoulder bearing, also against dress code). So as sweetly as possible (but not really), I was like, “Oh no, I don’t have anything else.” And right as she was about to speak, I cut her off and I was like, “But, my shift is over now! I’ll keep this in mind for future reference, thanks!” And I skipped away, as gaily as you please.

I had no idea I could not care this much, in all honesty. But I really, really don’t. She’s a horrible person who seems like she hates her life and her job and people in general, and as much as I love this job and the people I work with, I can’t bring myself to care enough to not talk back. I’m tired of letting things slide and letting people speak to me the way she does, because she’s supposed to be my “manager”. What happened to common decency? Basic respect? I won’t tolerate being spoken to like that anymore. She can’t push me around and I’m not scared of her. I don’t care if I lose my job because I have another, and I can get more if I want. This isn’t job isn’t my life, the way it is hers. I’m not going to end up working at a retail job for the rest of my life, the way she does. I’m going to complete my university degree and get a career of real substance and actually make a difference. I don’t want to take pleasure in the fact that she’s going to be stuck there for all time to come (and probably miserable all the while) but… that’s just the way things will be. I’m free. She’s not. That’s probably a part of why she seems to resent me so much. This isn’t my life. I’m not going to treat it as such.

It is what it is! The one thing that she can’t touch, as much as she tries to, is my innate sense of happiness. Yell at me all you want love, I’m happy. I always will be. And I think that, is what pisses her off the most. Because she doesn’t have that. You know what? I actually do feel sorry for her. I’d pity anyone who is unhappy as she is. Life is too short and too beautiful to live like that.

Anyways, that’s about it for that! I’ll try to be a little more… I don’t know. Cautious? Nah, don’t care. Respectful? Nah, I’ll treat her how I get treated. I’ll just figure out how to be… more professional! There we go.

I’m going to go work out soon, but before I leave! One last thing.

After telling the universe that I’m leaving things in its hands, I trust in it completely. And yesterday, Nick messaged me asking me if I was free, because he wants to hang out. Honestly, I had to sit and marvel how interestingly the universe works when you just surrender to whatever can happen. I wasn’t free today, but I am tomorrow afternoon, so he said he would get back to me. And once again – if it’s meant to happen, it will. If it’s not, then it won’t. No matter what occurs, I’m going to be okay with it. For once, I’m truly going with the flow and it feels good! It’s just crazy, how I kept imagining asking him to go for coffee and holding back, and then he’s the one who ended up asking me to hang out. We’ll see what happens though!

That’s about all for what occurred this past weekend! Yesterday was Monday, and although it was an extra-long day, it ended up turning out really nice because Leila, Avery and Cory came by for dinner and I got to join them afterwards. It was a lot of fun, and I’m so glad that after all these years, we’re still good. Man, I forget sometimes how far back we all go. We met in 2011!! It’s 2017 now. Time really has flown.

Today I’ve got work later on in the afternoon, but no one I’m really close with is closing so it’s going to be a long day, but it’s fine! I’m hoping it’ll pass by quickly.

I’ll find some time to write tomorrow in the evening!

Until then,

Love,

Me.

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