I have to write this down, right now, this feeling that I’m feeling in this exact moment, how I got to this place. It feels like something broke, and I mean that in the best way possible. As though whatever confinements I set on myself, in multiple different aspects, have finally dissolved. But let me start with how it happened, what it led me to, and what I now know I must do.
Yesterday was Monday, July 24th. It was time to go back to work. Hoping to spend a little more time with Dylan, (because the night before, we were texting about how we were looking forward to discussing things regarding both of our tattoo ideas) I went to work early, but I arrived at the mall a little too early. What I usually do when I find I have time to kill, is I go to Indigo to read a small portion of any book I’m interested in purchasing. So, I found myself walking to Indigo, with no particular book in mind – I like getting to the self-help/inspirational section and letting a book pick me instead.
I wandered around the section when I got there, initially looking for a book I’ve been reading every so often called “Why him? Why her?” but I was unsuccessful in my search, so I turned my attention to the rest of the shelves. Some titles caught my eye, but inevitably the one that called to me the most, was the book that’s been recommended to me multiple times by many different people throughout the course of this year, and finally recently recommended to me by someone who means a lot to me – Sera. It’s called, “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari”.
I sat down to read, played some music to drown out the background noise and my distracting background thoughts that often occur as I read sometimes. I find that sometimes, even as I am focused on reading something, the voice in the back of my mind begins to pipe up with mundanity and I end up having my eyes skimming over the words without actually taking in any of their meanings. So, I have to distract the mental voice with lyric-less music or other background sounds. Amazing now, in retrospect, how uncomfortable I am with silence, which is the very key to meditation, self-reflection and growth. Very interesting.
Moving on though – I sat down on a bench in the Indigo to begin this book. I started with the foreword, which bore a striking similarity to the foreword in The Alchemist. About how the novel didn’t succeed at first, but inevitably it was the message that began to spread far and wide, which resulted in the success. That was definitely a good omen right there.
Curiosity piqued now, I began to read the book. At first, I had started the book thinking that it was non-fiction, based on the realizations or musings of the author and well-collected into a rather thin frame. I was wrong.
It was the story of a highly successful lawyer, who had a heart attack in the middle of a high-profile case, who consequently sold all of his material possessions to travel to India in search of enlightenment, and the tools and knowledge of how to live a better life. The best life possible. He had understood that the life he had been living was actually killing him, robbing him of his happiness and draining him of his purpose, his drive, his will.
He returns from his journey a changed man, unrecognizable, filled to the brim with life, vitality and youth. An untouchable peace and tranquility. Wisdom beyond his years. He finds his old protégé, and begins to divulge all the lessons he learnt while he was away, trying to find himself.
I didn’t get too far, but it was enough. Enough for me to understand that I could not put the book back, that it belonged to me. That this was the moment in my life that the book was meant to find me. And so, I bought it, and headed to work.
There were even moments at work where I sat behind my counter, hidden, and lost myself in its pages once more. I’ve always been known to devour books in one sitting, but something about this was different. Even now, while I know I probably have the capacity to finish this book within this day alone, I cannot. I simply can’t. There is too much wisdom that needs to be taken in, at a proper pace, to be understood and felt wholly. Even now, I am only about a third of the way in, and I’ve already had realizations that have shaken my core, opened my eyes.
Today, this Tuesday July 25th, I have the day off. After distracting myself this morning with a TV show, once the sun finally came out and it was warm outside, I put my phone away from me and picked up the book once more. I sat down on my patio, in the warm sun, to truly read and take in the wisdom of this book.
I can’t begin to pick and choose which wisdoms have stood out to me, for there was so much. As Julian teaches John, I am John! I’m learning all of these things myself! I feel like Julian is speaking directly to me, and that John is voicing my thoughts in print.
It all stems back to mindfulness – being able to understand the sheer power of our minds, understand that if we do not control our minds, that they will control us. We are meant to be the masters of our thoughts, not the slaves. But how can we implement this way of life if we do not understand this idea?! We lose ourselves, time and time again, to the worries, fears, and mundanities of our day to day living. Even in the book, Julian mentioned that we think up to sixty thousand different thoughts in one day alone – and ninety percent of those very same thoughts are thought in the next day!!!! How much time and power are we giving to our fears without even realizing ourselves? Our negative thoughts? “We cannot afford the luxury of allowing even a single negative thought into our minds.” How profoundly simple is this truth!?
I felt this amazing sense of calm and peace fall over me as I continued to read this book. I became aware even, of my facial expression as I read! Sometimes I feel my brow furrow in worry, because I believe there is a part of me that is afraid that I will not be able to achieve or maintain this sense of peace without losing it. But whenever I catch myself in this way, I immediately relax my face (and therefore myself), and smile. The world continuously brings the same wisdom and lessons to me, in many different ways. Because I am seeking it, because I am aware it exists, it is finding me. I must have faith in it.
After reading a good chunk of the book, there was a page where all of the lessons that were taught were reiterated in a simple way on one page, and that was where I knew I had to stop and reflect.
So I let my thoughts come to me as they did. One thing that was taught that also stood out to me was this: in order to live your best life, your happiest, most satisfying and consistent life possible, was to find the one thing you loved the most and spend the rest of your life pursuing and being dedicated to it, so that you could continue to feel that passion drive you through life, always. And that thing that you loved, had to be worthy in some way. When John asked what Julian meant by “worthy”, of worthy cause, Julian explained that it had to be something that enriched or benefitted the lives of others in some way, not just your own. And he is so incredibly right.
When I was 11 years old, I saw a psychologist because I was planning on taking my own life. This woman, who I had never met before, knew me more intrinsically than I knew myself at that time. She understood what I needed from life, what I wanted, what made me sad, what could make me happy. She was the reason that Psychology peaked my interest. She was the reason I could not let it go, despite how hard I’ve struggled with school over the past six years.
And then this year, I met Nisrine. I was at my lowest point, unhappy, unfulfilled, confused, terrified, ashamed, guilty, insecure, self-hating, and unsure. By talking to this woman on a constant basis, by allowing myself to open up, forgive myself, become supportive of myself, I am able to sit here, happier than I have ever been in many years.
I don’t know where Psychology can lead me. All I know is that it is what I am meant to do, right now. Because as I do it, I know the answer will come to me. The career path I am meant to follow will reveal itself to me, the one that is meant for me, the one that will allow me to go to work with a smile in my heart because I am helping people the way I have always wanted to, the way I have been helped myself. I believe in this so deeply. And, I’ve been given so many other different talents alongside this passion. I can write. Maybe my words are meant to touch the souls of many. All I know is, there is so much more to my life than even I myself can imagine, but that is EXACTLY what I must let myself do. I must visualize the life I want for myself, in understanding what it is that I want.
I don’t care that I keep having this same realization over and over – all that matters is that I keep having it. I can’t ever, ever let myself lose sight of what drives me, because that’s the exact moment that I will become lost, a drifter, and I can’t allow that to ever happen again.
I want to understand people. I want to be the kind of energy that people can draw from, without losing any of my own in the process.
I am finally on this path with the certainty that I never had before, and I must do everything I can in my power to stay on it. I must. I will. I have no other choice. Nothing that anyone can say about how I got here, or my pace in life, will change where I am or what I’m doing. I understand this now.
I will live my best life. How could I ever do anything but, when I know that it’s possible for me? For everyone I know?
I hope to God, the universe, and for the love of my self, that I accept and understand that I know nothing. I am consistently, continuously, eternally learning, and therefore growing as a result. Everything I thought I knew yesterday, will be different tomorrow. Truths will change. I am humbled to understand that life will never, ever stop teaching me and I know now more than ever that I never, ever want to stop learning everything that it has to offer.
I feel… amazing.
I feel content. I feel like I’m on the right path, I feel like I’m finally listening to myself and to the universe and all I want to do is know everything there is to know. I want to keep learning, feeding my mind and my soul, enriching the quality of my thoughts and my life and continuously become more and more elevated in the way I live.
There’s so many ways I can go about doing this, that’s the amazing part. I can start learning on how to make meditation a consistent aspect of my life once I start actively learning to control and react accordingly to my thoughts. As I practise mindfulness, more and more doors open up. I can learn more and more techniques to quieten my mind, with this new-found awareness I can learn how to recognize when exactly I am living in the present moment, harness that feeling and make it my consistent state of being. In being in the present, I will eventually eradicate all doubt, fear, worry and anxiety from my life because I will no longer be consumed by the past or living in fear of the future, because I will be doing everything in my power to make my present the best it can be.
When I put down the book, there was another realization that came to me, one that made my heart race and my hands clammy because of how clearly I could see it in my head, and how deeply I knew it to be true.
The realest truths are usually the hardest ones to acknowledge. They lie there in wait as you carry on with your day to day life, you being so sure that you know what you know. So sure that what you’re feeling, how you think of things, is real. This is the illusion we create for ourselves because it is comfortable. It is easy. The truth bides its time patiently, but it also comes up in the smallest, subtlest ways – the moment you allow yourself to stop and pause in the illusion you spend so much time creating for yourself, you can begin to hear the truth whispering quietly. It makes your stomach flip, it makes your heart skip a beat. It scares you, because it threatens the foundations of your illusion and makes everything waver for a fleeting second. It wants you to listen, but only when you’re ready. It knows that you see it to be a deadly foe, when in actuality, it only wants to be your friend. You will continue to lose yourself in the illusion you create for yourself, over and over, but the truth always remains just below the surface of it all. It may change, but it will never cease to exist.
I am ready to accept my truth, and speak it out. I can feel the part of me that created the illusion trying to stop myself, trying to reason me back into subservience, back into comfort.
And so, as difficult as it is for me to type this out, let alone acknowledge, here it is:
My “unresolved” feelings for Nick, are a safety net. Because a part of me knows that if I ever needed someone to run back to, he’d do in a pinch. He was a good guy, an amazing friend, and despite everything we’d been through, I truly grew to love him. I know, that if I really wanted to, I could go back and more likely than not, start up again with him and learn to move forward into a new relationship. But my truth? It’s not what I need.
I can’t go back to Nick unless I knew, without a single doubt, that he was on the same level that I am on now. The same level of self-love, self-respect, confidence, contentment, and happiness. I do not know this, and I do not want to engage in the process of figuring out whether or not he is, because that entails some real danger, feelings and decisions that I cannot bring myself to make.
The past couple of times that we’ve tried to hang out recently and haven’t been able to, were a blessing in disguise. I’m not ready to go back there and figure out what’s changed, or figure out if we could move forward. I can’t do something like that, out of the fear that I will never meet anyone again. Because deep down, that’s exactly what would be motivating me to do it – not just missing him, or missing our relationship. That’s a part of it, sure. But fear was definitely the biggest cheerleader when it came to this.
I need to have more faith in both myself and in the universe, and I can both see and feel that now. My feelings for Nick will always be a part of who I was. But, I cannot feed them now. I must let them go, and really give myself and him a chance to move on and see if life has more to offer us both. If we are meant to be, we’ll a find a way back to each other no matter how long it takes. Even as I say this, my truth is telling me now that somewhere deep down, I know he might not be my person. I know we need to keep striving in our different directions, no matter how tempting it might be to sink back into that place of comfort.
And there it is, my hardest truth. I didn’t want to see it or accept it because, the latter option was so much easier, more inviting, and more comfortable. It would be so easy to go back to that happiness we once knew, and eventually learn to move forward into a new relationship. But, it wouldn’t be right. I have so much more to learn, and so much more to do, and I know that he does too. And now, there’s another truth that I must acknowledge because it showed its true face this weekend.
Simply this: it’s time to tell Dylan how I feel.
This is the realization that made my heart skip a beat and my hands clammy, LOL. Because I can see it in my head, so very clearly now, exactly how this conversation would go. And better yet, I’m not afraid anymore. That’s the part that’s blowing my mind right now. Every single fear that was holding me back from saying anything at all is gone. I don’t know what part of the book did this for me or if it was just a collective realization. But I’m just not scared anymore, not of his reaction or what could happen afterwards. It’s not that I don’t care about what could happen; it’s that I understand that if I don’t speak this truth out for real, both into the universe and to the person who needs to hear it, then nothing will ever happen. And, I’m finally ready for whatever could happen next. Even if all it entails is nothing changing at all, and us continuing to be friends. I need to say it.
Knowing what I know now, if I could go back to that moment on the dock where we were laying side by side and looking up at the stars, I would have said it then. Because it really was a moment unlike any other. It was a moment that I pictured in my head that became real. And I know now it’s because of how much will and intention I put into that visualization. So you want to know what else I can see clearly in my head now, as a result of this past weekend?
I can see us sitting side by side in his car, blasting music with the windows down, no particular destination, my hand over his and matching smiles on our faces. I can see us playing Catan, bantering about who’s going to win because now I know we’re both fiercely competitive and we both hate losing. I can especially see it because there was a moment where I asked to race him up the hill at the cottage when we went for a walk, and he said no because of his flip flops, and used that split second distraction to get a head start with me cursing at him in the background as he ran laughing up the hill. I can see us experiencing amazing moments in life together, sharing the exact same awe of the beauty in life that can be appreciated when we allow ourselves to see it. I can see this because when we were swimming beneath the stars, I know we both felt the exact same way in that moment. I can see the stupid little arguments that are bound to occur because of his quick temper and stubbornness because I’ve seen the way his ears go red when he’s trying to stop himself from snapping. But I can also see the way we’d resolve these things in laughter and silliness, because he loves to play just as much as I do and I have just the right amount of patience to soothe the snap of his temper. I can see us encouraging each other to be our best selves in every way; in the books we read, the lessons we learn and consequently teach each other, the wisdom we share, and the way we tell each other to see things in different ways. I can imagine the endless conversations we’d have about everything and anything because we’ve already have countless many and every single one of them have stuck with me to this day. I can see a real friendship continuing to form, as he continues to trust me and let me in. I can see myself showering him in affection, knowing I’d get it right back tenfold. I can see us travelling and adventuring together. And most of all, I can see myself growing to love him and his family, because I already hold such deep respect for them all.
I don’t know what the future holds. I can’t tell you what’s going to happen. But I can’t sit here and expect the universe to do all the work. I know I said I would leave these matters in the universe’s hands, and this weekend, it gave me omen after omen and moment after moment. Boundless opportunities. And I see them for what they were now. I can’t go back and change the course of the way things unfolded then, but I can certainly do something moving forward with the realizations I have now.
I know he’s seeing someone. I’m not trying to come in between anyone, and I most certainly want him to be happy. It doesn’t necessarily need to be with me. But I can’t continue to lament over the fact that he has no idea that I feel this way, or that nothing has happened over the course of this past year, without actually doing anything myself. Destiny and fate is a two-part journey – I cannot depend solely on the universe and I cannot control everything or make things happen all on my own. It’s a compromise – I have to meet the universe halfway.
I don’t expect anything of him. I just want to say it out loud. Not because it’s become a burden. But because finally, after all of this time and after this incredible weekend, I finally know what I want and if there’s even some slight possibility that I could have it, I owe it to myself to at least try. Even if it means it happens months from now, or if the timing is right, years. I don’t know. All I know is that the time has come for me to speak my truth, no matter what happens.
I can’t be scared of LIFE anymore! What do I have to lose by telling someone how I feel!? If he’s the person that I think he is, the person that I believe I’ve come to know, then he won’t treat me any differently and nothing has to change (in the scenario that he doesn’t feel the same way, of course). Actually, I don’t even have any expectations as to how this will pan out because I just want him to know that it’s there. That it’s been there for some time and that I’m sorry it took this long to say anything because I was afraid of how he’d react, which was me not giving him enough credit. It’s time to stop listening to everyone else, and start listening to ME. I know people are going to tell me to either not do it, or do it, loosely based on their own knowledge and personal experiences. But this is me. This is what I want for myself. I finally accept that I am ready for whatever outcomes are possible, in making this decision. In speaking this truth.
It’s funny that I’ve come to this realization now, what with the fact that today was his last day at work and it’s my day off. I have no guarantee of when I will see him next, or how long it’ll be until that time. But it’s okay. Whenever the moment is meant to occur, it will.
I’m actually excited to finally say it out loud to him! I’ve never, in my 24 years of living, ever done this before! With Ayden, it was always beating around the bush, excuses, hemming and hawing and suffering for years and years, keeping my feelings inside until the timing was thrown off and we went our separate ways. With Don and Nick, they were the first ones to make the move and tell me how they felt, and I fell into the illusion and comfort that that brought. But this will be the first time that I move out of my own comfort zone and do something a little daring. I’m excited. No matter what happens, the time has finally come. I’m ready!
Courage is not the absence of fear – it’s feeling the fear and doing it anyways. The time has come for a little courage.
And, that’s that for my realizations, how I came to them, and what I have to do for myself as a result! I still have the rest of this beautiful day, so I’m going to give myself a little time to process everything I learnt today (the same way that Julian teaches John in small increments rather than all at once).
I feel that brimming excitement again. I’m excited for September, for the moment I can channel some real passion into everything I will learn in school. I am excited for myself, for my life, for the love that I have towards life, the love that I have towards myself. I want to live my life without fear and worry and I will teach myself to. I need to remember everything I wrote down in this log today. It was a very, very important log. I must remember to go back to July 24th and 25th if I ever begin to feel lost again, or if I ever feel myself slipping back into comfort because fear is creeping up again. I must remember all of this.
Here’s to a life lived in love, light, and happiness. A life worth living. A life lived in the best way possible. Here’s to my life.
Love, always, everywhere and in every way,