Okay so. This may be one of the best, happiest logs I’ll have written thus far in the past 207 days of this year. I mean, I’ve had some pretty amazing days. But this day is definitely going to go in the Top Ten section for sure. I think yesterday’s takes the cake because of how insightful it was with the amount of realizations that hit me all at once, but today… today was perfect. It was perfect.
So today, I woke up and I knew within me that today was going to be the day. That no matter what happened, no matter what was said or how things happened, it was going to happen today. I trusted in myself and in the universe and I let the day unfold.
I was jittery for the better part of the day, pacing around in circles, picturing in my head how exactly I’d say what I wanted to say. I deliberated between waiting until I could see him in person or just sending it in text, and I even spent a part of this morning comprising what I would like to say if it were said over text.
I waited for a sign, for him to text me about his tattoo appointment and to go from there. Initially, this was my plan: I was going to tell him I couldn’t wait to see his tattoo in person, and ask if he knew if he had any hours coming up some time soon. If he told me he did, then I would wait until I saw him in person to tell him. If he told me he didn’t, then I would have done it in text right then.
So I waited. But as the morning waned into the afternoon, I started second-guessing saying it in person. I just, didn’t want to wait anymore! And, I didn’t want to put him on the spot and bombard him in person. I liked the organization of texting everything, the opportunity it would give him to read it multiple times if need be, take it in, take some time, and then respond.
And just as I was thinking this, he finally texted, to let me know that his tattoo appointment was postponed. For a second, I considered waiting until Friday, but this new found voice in my head or this intuition that seems to be strengthening at a rapid rate was telling me that there was no point in waiting any longer. The time had come and I was ready to say what I needed to say.
So, I spent the entire bus ride home finishing up the note I had begun earlier in the day. Once I had read it through multiple times, sent it to some of the people closest to me, and once I was settled at home, I knew that the moment was imminent. And finally, he texted back to whatever I had responded with earlier.
Here’s what I said to him:
“Okay so, I really wanted to say all of this in person but now I’m not so sure when I’m going to get the chance. And I’m scared that if I let time pass, I’m going to end up chickening out yet again, as I have been for the past while. Also I’ve never, ever done this before so please bear with me.
But anyways, to put it simply: I like you. And I mean, as in more than a friend. And I have, for quite a while.
I don’t really even know where to begin, because this may seem like it’s totally coming out of nowhere (or maybe I’ve been totally obvious, I have no idea). I think it kind of started sometime around when you gave me your copy of the Alchemist to keep in February, because that was one of the sweetest things anyone’s ever done for me.
But it was so much more than just that. It was the fact that I could actually talk to you about literally anything, for however long, and time could pass and I wouldn’t have realized. It was that in those conversations, you held more wisdom and maturity than most people my own age – you made me see things differently in my own life, and taught me things (I’m never gonna forget that “maybe” parable :P). You were genuinely fascinated by the stuff I had to say about my dad. I know most, if not all, of our conversations took place at work, but even then, everything else just seemed to fall away.
It was how your first instinct was to stay by my side and take me to the hospital when I had that allergic reaction – your compassion and kindness is incredible, not just for me but for others too.
And you probably don’t remember this, but there was this moment where I was walking back into the department after break, and you asked me “where I came from”, LOL. And I didn’t get what you meant at first, but you explained that people like me were rare and that I was “too nice”, but it was the way you said it. Like with genuine appreciation. No one, not even my own past relationships, has ever looked at me in that way.
On top of all this, your respect and deep love for your family, your mom, the passion you hold for the things you enjoy doing, your humour (can’t believe you distracted me racing up the hill, totally not fair) the way you can appreciate the beauty in life the way that I do (like those stars). Even your competitiveness! That game of Catan was one of the best I’ve ever played (even though I lost.. total fluke btw). Not to mention you are stunningly good looking (had to add that in there). There’s a lot about you I like, even if I still may not know you as well as I could.
Anyways, I could go on, but then this’ll become a lot longer than it is already and I’m sure this is a lot to take in as is (sorry!!!).
I should have told you all of this in person, that moment on the dock where we were looking up at the stars. It hadn’t hit me then, but it has now – you almost died that night. You could have ceased to exist. And I would have never got to tell you all of this, purely because I was holding back out of fear, and I don’t want to live my life like that. Life’s too short, it’s fragile and fleeting and it’s the most amazing gift we’ll ever be given.
In telling you all of this, I’m not expecting anything of you or from you. All I wanted was for you to know. And I know we don’t really talk about this, so for all I know, you could be seeing someone right now and if that’s the case, I’m so sorry if this has made you feel uncomfortable in any way. If all that comes out of this is us continuing on as friends as per usual, I’m totally okay with that because I’m honestly just so glad to know you and have you in my life in the way you are.
You’re an amazing guy, Dylan. You’re rare too. I hope you know that, and never settle for anything less than what you deserve.
Anyways! I hope this doesn’t weird you out or make you see me or treat me any differently (which was pretty much my biggest fear holding me back from saying any of this at all), but yeah, I just couldn’t hold it back anymore. Like I said, all I wanted was for you to know. I’m sorry I didn’t say it in person and I’m sorry that this is a lot to take in!
Life can be short, but it’s inevitably gonna be the longest thing we’ll ever do, and if I spend a majority of it living in “what if’s” and in fear, I know I’m gonna regret it. So yeah! Now you know. That’s about it.”
Ugh, I keep stopping this log to re-read everything that was said and I literally can’t help it because it still hasn’t sunk in yet! And it makes me so, so happy to just bask in all of this, everything that occurred today with both the help of the universe and by my own bravery. I’m just so in awe, so blessed, humbled and happy.
Anyways, after I sent that, I did everything I could to distract myself. I watched Netflix, I put my phone on silent, I kept it away from me, I even went into the living room to go play some Guitar Hero. But just as I was about to do that… he replied. And sent my heart into overdrive, LOL. But his response? Better than I could have ever imagined and not what I was expecting in the slightest. I really was preparing myself for the worst. But here’s what he said back:
“Definitely a lot to take in… Ok wow. No, to be honest you did not make it obvious so I’m a little taken aback right now. In fact, the only person that has ever mentioned that you may be into me was Veronica, but like everything else that comes out of her mouth it went in one ear and out the other. I don’t even know how to reply to that text. But I’ll start by saying thank you. Nobody has ever made me feel the way I do right now. I was actually just showing my mom’s bf different ways to tie a jiu-jitsu belt, then I picked up my phone, read a few sentences and rudely left the room without warning. Totally worth it, not only to read the wonderful things you just mentioned regarding me but now I have a true appreciation of your honesty. Of course I remember the “where did you come from” moment, you’re proving my theory that you’re a very rare and special human being right now. Also brave, I never would have had the balls to send a message like the one you sent me. You’re an amazing person, truly someone I consider close to my heart. My mother and I always discuss how there are people in this world that possess something we call a “good soul”. You’re one of the few. It’s not something that can be easily explained, but the first time I met you, and the first time my mother met you, we felt a similar feeling (kind of like a click) that notified us of how special you are.
I think there is still so much we need and should get to know about one another. I lack the bravery that you possess, and there are so many things about me that you don’t know yet, and I’m sure there are so many things about you that I don’t know yet. I’d rather that be in person than over text (and outside of the prison we call work:) ), for reasons you’ll soon understand. ^Oh that was my way of asking you on a date… In case I didn’t make it obvious.”
I was so over the moon that I yelled, ran around a bit, hugged my dad’s head, ran back into the living room, sat down on the floor, and started to cry in happiness LOL. And then I couldn’t stop. The purest sense of utter relief flowed through my entire being and out through my eyes. I just couldn’t believe it. I still can’t.
I did it. I finally learned how to listen to myself. Listen to my gut. I think I’ve always known. It’s always been there. But this one, this was big.
I’ve never, in all my years of living, done anything like this before. I’ve never cast fear to the wind like this before and it was the most liberating, freeing, intense feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life. Actually no, you know what?
I didn’t cast fear to the wind – I was TERRIFIED. I embraced it instead. I looked into its eyes and told it that it had no choice, it was coming with me. I ran forward, at full force, and instead of letting it hold me back, I dragged it with me. And now, it’s gone.
And also, I know I’ve had more brave moments in my life. I was terrified when I ended my relationship earlier this year too. But every single time that I’ve managed to move past my fear, has resulted in some of the best and most growth-inducing moments of my life thus far. I need to keep this in mind. No more letting fear hold me back.
I replied back that I completely agreed and would also love to get to know him more, and that a date sounded lovely. So sometime next week, we’re hanging out and he’s going to take me to a cool Korean bar close by. I’m nervous, of course, but mostly excited. I can’t believe it took half a year of holding back and finally letting it all out, to actually end up in this spot right now. I’m so, so insanely glad that I did what I did. I could not be more proud of myself for my immense bravery and courage.
He mentioned a click, in his response. I felt that too. I can still remember, clear as day, the moment we met. When his mom introduced us, and he leaned forward to shake my hand, and our eyes locked. I felt my heart skip a beat, and my stomach flip, and I have no idea why. And even getting to know and talking to both him and Teresa – I just felt like I’ve always known them, somehow. I’ve always had such tremendous respect for them both.
My heart is just so incredibly full and happy right now. I don’t know what’s meant to happen or how things are going to progress from this point on. I don’t know what’s written. All I know is, I did what I did today and for once, the Universe and I were working in perfect tandem. I finally understood that I could not leave everything to the Universe, and that I cannot control everything myself. Today, I found the perfect balance between the two and it was amazing. I hope to continue to do so as time goes on.
Anyways, I’ve got work early tomorrow so I think it’s time for me to hit the hay.
But before I go – you. And I mean you as in me. I am so, so incredible and insanely proud of you. I could not be more proud of you. I am so boundlessly happy about how far you’ve come in this one year alone, how much you’ve progressed, and who you are today. Who you are becoming. I did not imagine this for you one year ago. But now that you and I are best friends again, and that we love each other, life has become harmonious. We can create the life we want for us, as long as we continue to work together and believe in one another. I’ll always love you. I’ll always be in your corner. You’ll always have me. Never, ever forget that.
Thanks, me. I love you too.
I don’t even know what to do with myself right now! I think I’m going to go back to the very first log I began this year, and read every single word I’ve ever written in this entire log. I want to see how I got from there, to here.
And then I’ll sleep, LOL.
I love me! I love life, I love everything and everyone who has supported me this entire time along my journey in life, I love the Universe, I am grateful for every single blessing I have received, every day that I’ve been gifted with, and every breath that I take. I could not be happier. Actually, I could, because now I know there’s no limit to my happiness. I can’t wait to continue to learn everything I will as time goes on, as I continue to fall deeper in love with myself and with life.
And now maybe, just maybe, someone else will be joining me on this journey. We’ll see what time brings about!
I’ll write tomorrow when I get a chance.
Love, love, love always,