Day 216 – August 4th, 2017

Hello! Okay, I know I said that I would write as soon as I got home, but honestly I ended up just telling Leila about it as soon as I got in and sat on the stairs, and then also Olivia and Alycia and their friends were all here so I ended up just chilling with them for a while and then heading to bed after a game of cards against humanity.

So, now it’s Thursday evening and I just had a good shift at work, and I’m chilling. I’ll go into detail about the whole thing as much as I can remember, and then I’ll talk about my thoughts/feelings afterwards. But I must say first – it was perfect.

I got ready ahead of time (luckily), and ended up pacing around my house for a little while, waiting for him to show up. I was this close to taking a shot of tequila (which I absolutely despise) to calm my nerves, but instead I drank a couple gulps of wine from my mom’s glass (which actually helped a lot, LOL).

Funny enough, my mom and dad happened to be on their way home at the exact same moment that he texted that he was five minutes away, so I was shitting bricks thinking that everyone would arrive at once and I would end up having to answer some questions when I got home later. (I’d told my parents that I was just going to dinner with some coworkers, in order to ward off inquisitions about my dating life).

Well, my parents ended up arriving literally seconds before he did (thank god), and went inside, and Olivia and her friends literally got in just as he was pulling up to my driveway, which led to frenzied “goodbyes and good luck” from them all. Safe to say, it was definitely an interesting way to start off the night.

Anyways, I made my way over to his car, unable to stop the massive smile that was forming on my face at the sight of him. He looked ridiculously good, as per usual, wearing a jean shirt and bedecked in Ray Bans. Ugh, my heart.

We did the whole “hey, how are you” thing, and off we went. Right off the bat, we started talking so much that he nearly missed the exit on the highway at one point, LOL.

He raved about the place he was taking me to, right down to the décor and especially the food. I loved how he said that I would love it too, because he was so right – I loved every bit of the place. It was a small location, but lit up with all sorts of brightly coloured lights and it carried some real personality. I’m glad that he took me to a place that he himself liked so much.

The food was incredible – he got his favourite dish (which was like kalbi tacos I think?) and made sure that I tried one as well. His excitement over the food was so adorable, ah. And I got bulgogi with noodles, and honestly the noodles were so long that at one point I had to bite through them to get some onto my plate LMAO. But it was cute, I joked about how “attractive” that must have been and he agreed laughingly.

We also ordered drinks, and they were amazing! And we tried each other’s selection too; he got a drink with bourbon in it (super smooth), and I got a mojito made with citrus soju (delicious!).

My favourite part of all of it had to be the endless conversation though – literally, for once we were able to talk about absolutely everything and anything without interruption of any kind and it was amazing!!! We jumped from topic to topic with perfect ease, be it tattoos to Australian spiders to Brazilian politics to food and travel and old past stories, and so much more.

He also explained to me how Victoria picked up on me being into him – there was a moment where we had crossed paths at work (in front of her podium, and I hadn’t noticed), and I offered him a sip of my Starbucks drink. And after I walked away, she basically told him to “smile more” and be nicer, and she asked him how it was possible that he didn’t see the way that I looked at him.

Boy, was she ever right LOL. We also talked about my message, and he once again said how much he appreciated my honesty, and I apologized for not saying everything in person. He admitted that he was so taken aback that he had sat in his car to read the message for a while, and ended up missing a jiu-jitsu session! I apologized again, albeit it light-heartedly. I explained what led me to choosing to tell him, finally, and he said he was glad I did.

And then there was this moment where I looked up from eating I think, and he was just looking at me, and instead of looking away, he smiled. And I smiled back, and I’m the one who ended up looking away first because the butterflies were threatening to fly up into my throat and literally choke me to death. His eyes, honestly. They’re the most mesmerizing kind of hazel-green. And I love, love the way he makes eye contact with me. It’s so direct and unwavering.

Anyways, I honestly lost track of time while we were talking, and when I went to washroom for a brief second, he’d already paid. (DID NOT PLAN THAT UGHHH). I honestly would have offered to split the bill, but of course, Dylan’s a perfect gentleman.

After that, he took me home, and we talked more in depth about our perspective on drugs and the nature of addiction. I love how inquisitive he is about psychology stuff and I love how smart he is about pretty much everything. And so mature.

Once we got to my street, we noticed that Olivia and Alycia and all their friends were walking down the street in their pajamas in the middle of the night (and I burst out laughing, because of course these things only happen to me LOL).

As we were approaching my house, I admitted that I was super nervous beforehand and close to taking a shot to steel my nerves. And he told me not to be nervous, there wasn’t any need for it. (So sweet).

When he got to my house, he stopped and said he hoped I had a good time, which I enthusiastically affirmed I did. After that, he reached out for a hug, and I hugged him, making sure to stroke the back of his neck a little with my thumb (can’t help the affection, it’s just how I am). Honestly, if I was feeling gutsy, I would have pulled back slowly and lingered for a bit to see if I could get a kiss in (which I wanted, so, so badly). But my gut said it was too soon, so I pulled back and made my way out of the car, telling him I’d see him in prison (aka work). He bade me goodnight, and headed out.

As soon as I got in, I immediately sat on my stairs inside and messaged Leila about the major details, of course. After that, Olivia and Alycia and everyone came back, and we all went into the backyard to chill and smoke a bit, so I told them some of the details there. It was actually a nice way to end off the night, just chilling in the nice weather and relaxing.

After a while, I messaged him to make sure he got home okay, and then I told him that I really enjoyed the food and loved the location. But most of all, I loved talking with him – it was so easy, that time just seemed to fade away. I thanked him for a fun night, and hoped that he had had a good time too.

He responded saying that he was glad I said that, because the feeling was mutual, and that he’d definitely had fun too. After that, we talked a little bit about how he suddenly has a jiu-jitsu tournament coming up, and then this morning I told him I ended up having dreams about massive Australian spiders (totally his fault, but I was totally okay with it LOL).

Anyways, we’ve been texting here and there a bit since but that’s about it. We work together again tomorrow, so we’ll see how that goes. So, where’s my head/heart at right now?

I’ve got it bad, I know I do. And it scares the crap out of me.

As incredible Dylan is, he’s also very hard to read and I still feel like it’s going to take time for him to really open up. I’m perfectly and totally okay with all of that. Now that I’ve made my move, I’m willing to wait as long as it takes for him to become comfortable with the idea of me, of who I am, of trusting me and being willing to let me in. What I’m scared of, I guess, is feeling like this and ending up having these feelings only be one-sided. But my voice of intuition pipes up and says that even if that’s the case, this whole thing will not have been a waste of time because Dylan’s an amazing person that I’m glad to know, and this has been an incredible learning experience to me. No matter what ends up happening, I suffer no loss in this situation.

I love that this is teaching me to be patient. To continue on living my life as I have been for the duration of this year, focused on myself and my other priorities. As much as I may feel, I won’t ever let myself become consumed by this, the way my other relationships consumed a great deal of my time, energy and effort. I realize now that the right kind of relationship is a continuous give-and-take flow of energy, always replenishing within one’s self and never lost.

So, we’ll see what happens. I’m more excited than nervous, because I know that whatever is meant to happen, will happen. And if it ever takes moving past my fears again, well then I know I have that capability. I’m going to continue to rely on my gut and intuition because truly, it has not led me wrong once in the time that I’ve learned to trust and listen to it.

Time will tell all, and we have plenty of it.

Anyways, I’m looking forward to seeing him at work tomorrow! I wonder if things will be different. I need to start upping my flirting game though, that’s for sure. Let’s see what I can do, shall we? 😉

Until my next entry!

Love, love, love

Me.

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