Day 217 – August 5th, 2017

Hello, hello!

Alright. I’m in dire need of venting and also some self-advice, courtesy of the little wise voice in my head that seems to know all. Intuition, gut feeling, I’m lookin’ at you. I need some help.

But first – today. It was a good day overall, I admit; I started off my morning by re-watching some gossip girl, and then I eventually got ready for work and headed out. I didn’t really know what to expect when it came to work but I wasn’t too nervous or anything like that because work is work and he and I are used to seeing each other there.

I blame this on me a bit, but when I got there, that first hug was very standoffish LOL. On my side though, as soon as I saw him, I immediately lit up and made my way over to him to say hi, but he was talking to Bridget, so I kind of interrupted. Hence an awkward, stiff side hug. At least, that’s why I think it was like that.

But the rest of the shift was fine. (But that’s the thing, it was just fine – more on that later though). We talked normally, he told me about how he was prepping for his upcoming tournament in a week, we talked about how we love “sweater weather” and how fall is our favourite season, and we talked about some movies that are currently in theatres right now and one that he just saw that was really good. Ou, I also met his best friend today! So you know what, overall it really was a good day.

I have a problem though…

MY OWN GODDAMN IMPATIENCE.

It’s just, have you ever wanted something so badly? And just when you thought you made it so that it was closer within your grasp, all of a sudden it seemed ten times as far? Because, that’s how I feel. I told him how I feel, but I don’t know what else to do differently without scaring him off. That’s the last thing I want to do.

Okay little voice, I hear you piping up, so go ahead:

Take this in. You’ve had the duration of this year to make yourself comfortable with these feelings, come to terms with them, grow in them. You’ve done your own thing alongside them, grown as a person. You’ve only just told this guy how you feel… and he had no idea whatsoever, this entire time. He’s seen you as just a friend this entire year, whereas you’ve seen him as more. So, how long do you think it’s going to take for him to be able to see YOU in the same way? You’ve got to give it TIME. If you’re in this for the long haul, if you know he’s worth the wait, then you literally have no other choice but to be a little bit more patient, despite however long you feel you’ve already waited.

I just took a deep breath and took a moment to re-read what I just wrote. I know what I wrote is true, I know that that’s the truth of the matter. But it’s so hard. I really am so impatient. But good things take time, and I know that full well. But I want it, I want him, so bad. And I don’t just mean physically (although that’s definitely another thing that’s driving me nuts), I mean intimately, in the sense that I know the deeper parts of him. I want the opportunities to get to know the more vulnerable sides of him, but I know that’s something that’ll take time. And it’ll only happen when he’s good and ready, no more and no less.

Le sigh.

Anyways, tomorrow Leila and I are spending time together and we’re going to get good and drunk and have a blast, so I’m really, really looking forward to that. I need some best friend time, stat.

I’ve decided that on my way to the GO bus station, I’m going to stop by the department. If by some chance he happens to be there, and we get a moment to talk, I’m going to ask him if he’ll have the time this week to see a movie with me (like Planet of the Apes, he seemed pretty excited about that). And we’ll go from there. I know he’s going to be really super busy preparing and training for his tournament on Saturday, but if the movie thing is meant to be, it’ll happen. If not, then I’ll just figure something else out after this week. Like, I recently found out that there’s an Owl of Minerva location literally 2 minutes down the street from the place we had our first date at. And he seemed pretty interested in trying it out, when I brought it up during our date. Coincidence? I think not. So if the movie doesn’t work out this week, then I’ll suggest that for next week.

I’m not giving up. Now that I know more than ever what I want, I’m not going to waver in the slightest. I promise to be as patient as I possibly can be, but I can’t let this go without knowing for sure whether or not it was meant for me, if this was meant to happen. Not when it comes to a guy like Dylan. He’s just… he’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met. So no matter how frustrated I get with my own impatience, I have to keep reminding myself of this: nothing worth having is easily attained. The best things in life are often the things that are most worth the wait. Alright?

Alright. Patience it is.

That’s about it for my venting! I actually feel quite a bit better.

Hmm, before I go: I was reading some of my old logs, and I think it’s about time I do a self-check-in because it’s been a while. So self, how have you been?

Well. For the most part, I’ve been really, really happy! Which is fantastic you know, I don’t remember a time like this when I’ve been so happy, so consistently. I’m a little worried about financial stuff because I seem to be struggling when it comes to saving, but I’m trying. It’s a work in progress.

As for school, I’m definitely excited to begin again. I have some matters I need to take care of, such as paying my tuition and figuring out what can be done about Knowledge First, the RESP company mom invested money with. And there’s a big part of me that wants to avoid all of that because it’s a little bit stressful. But no matter how much I avoid it, it’s still going to be there. The only solution is to start taking things off of my plate, little by little, until it gets cleared. So, as it’s August, I think it’s about time I start preparing myself to get organized for this upcoming school year in every aspect that’s necessary. No more drifting – I have a plan for myself, and I’m going to stick to it.

My faith is so much stronger than it ever has been, in my life. I have so much faith in myself, in the universe, in life, in the people in my life, in everything. I have this unwavering belief that everything will happen exactly as it is meant to, no matter the bad or the good. And because of his faith, because of this belief, I’m no longer that afraid of the future. I know I have what it takes to shape my destiny into what I would like it to be, as well as what it’s meant to be. I will forever pursue a life that is worth living.

Fear really is so inconsequential, such a useless yet potent emotion. We fear so much, either things that never end up happening or things that are inevitable. So what’s the point? “Worrying is suffering, twice.” I read that somewhere, and it’s always stuck with me, because it’s so true.

I have to remember to remain centered and balanced in all aspects of my life. I care very deeply, it’s true. But I can’t let myself get stressed out or anxious, especially with this new-found faith that I have.

I need to remember my mantras:

Everything happens for a reason, even if the reason is not apparent within the moment.

What is meant to be, will be. If it is written, it will occur.

Things will always work out, exactly as they are meant to.

And finally, I think I’m going to adopt a mantra that belongs to a friend of mine that has stuck with me and that I find very positive, and often true:

“The universe is always working in my favour – everything will work out exactly as it is meant to, for me.”

Oh man. I cannot begin to explain how good writing is, for my soul. I came home feeling a little down and somewhat frustrated, but now I feel a lot better. I need to also remember to not get so caught up in my head sometimes.

Well, that’s that for now! I’m so excited for my day with Leila tomorrow. We’re going to eat some good food, drink some good wine, and just enjoy each other’s company as we usually do. Here’s to what’s bound to be a life-long friendship!! (Not that she has a choice, muahaha).

I probably won’t get a chance to write tomorrow, so I’ll write sometime on Monday when I get home! Until then,

Love, love, love,

Me.

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