Day 220 + 221 – August 8th & 9th

Hello! Okay so, crazy news first: I might be booking a trip to Costa Rica tonight.

Yeah, I know.

I need to do some very, very intensive thinking right now.

But where to begin?

Okay, let’s just talk to ourselves for a sec here. I feel like it’s going to be me versus… my brain, on this one. Logic and rationale seem to have a voice tonight. I think this conversation is also going to entail my heart too, she seems to have a say in this as well. I’m not even going to comment on my wild-child side because I know exactly what she wants already and she’s bouncing off of walls in excitement, so she’s immediately biased. My day-dreamy, spiritual side is biased too. So basically, about 80% of the aspects that make me “me”, want to go. So, let’s hear out the some real logic and rationale.

Okay brain, go:

Listen. I’m trying to be patient with you here. I accept that I’m no longer going to yell at you or berate you for your whims, because we’re all trying to work together to love our-self this year. But come on. You promised. You said come this September, you would focus on school and school alone. That you would shift all your priorities, every one of them, until school became the one on the top of the list. How is going on this trip going to aid in that mission exactly?

Alright logic, fair enough. Honest and to the point, and you’re right. I know you’re right in what you’re saying. But here’s what my heart (and myself included) is countering back:

North Korea is most likely planning on launching a nuclear missile attack against the US so we’re all probably going to die from radiation exposure within this year anyways.

Okay no, that’s not what I’m countering back with, jeez heart. Way to go dark side on this one. That’s the first thing that came into your head?!

Heart: you’re the one who just read the articles about it! I blame you.

Me: Okay, no. Regardless of all that (as scary as it is). Here’s my reasoning for this trip: the ticket is $254. With my mom’s discount for hotels, a good hotel in San Jose (the capital city of Costa Rica), would be $49 a night. Times that by 6 nights and divide that by the 4 people who are going, this 6 night 7 day trip would cost 336.50 in total, for each of us. That’s plane ticket AND accommodations. We’d be paying four hundred bucks to go to Costa Rica, a place full of adventure and life. We would be leaving at the end of September, a time where I most likely would not have many assignments, and I am very unlikely to have midterms. I could get ahead in all of my readings, and keep up with them with the slides I’m sure are bound to be posted.

Not to mention, if I end up quitting my regular job to take up a different position later in October, I wouldn’t have to worry about work. My second job will be accommodating as ever. It’s all a matter of everything falling into place, by my hand, by the end of this month.

Heart: Costa Rica has been calling to me since the start of this year. It’s come up multiple times, in different ways. I can’t explain it, but the signs are there. I don’t even know why – there isn’t any specific thing that appeals to me about it. I don’t know much about the place. But I want to go.

The reason I brought up the whole nuclear missile crisis that is currently happening right now, is because now more than ever, the idea that “life’s too short” is more evident than ever. Honestly, nothing is guaranteed in this life. But those experiences that travelling gives me? Each trip I take makes me feel like I could die tomorrow and be happy with everything I’ve done for myself thus far. This world is so vast, incredible, with so much to teach me, so much to be seen. I can’t stay here. I need to know more. I need to see more.

Alright, it’s a little later in the evening and after several calls with Luna…

It doesn’t seem like it’s meant to be right now. There was a catch to the $254 price – there would have been a 7 hour layover in Panama where we would have had to stay in the airport for, and that would have killed a lot of time that we needed to spend in Costa Rica itself, since we’d have only been going for 6 nights. Sigh. Man. It was too good to be true I guess.

Those other trips we went on were meant to happen – hence why it’s almost as though they magically came to be, it was that easy. I know I’m meant to end up in Costa Rica one day, even if it’s not now. Things happen as they’re meant to, I truly believe in that, regardless of good or bad.

Well, that was a bit of excitement! I think I might end up travelling one more time this year – after all, three is a big number in terms of signs and omens. I’ve had two amazing trips this year, and I’m definitely down for one more to round out the year. Reasonably, of course. School really must come first, above all. I’m not worried though. Really, I have so much faith in my mantra: “everything will happen as it is meant to”. We shall see what is meant to be, in time.

Anyways, what have I missed in these two days? Yesterday was Tuesday, and I worked both jobs, but I wasn’t tired at all – in fact, I came home and I felt amazing. I actually genuinely enjoy both of my jobs. It was nice to be aware of the fact that my energies weren’t depleted in the slightest, despite what appeared to be a long day. Man, gone are the days of being “tired”. Our minds really are our most powerful weapon – the reality we perceive for ourselves will be the one that comes to exist. Tell yourself you’re tired, and you will be. Tell yourself you had a long day but that it was well worth it, and that you feel great, and you will. Willpower is everything, and not many people recognize this fact.

Today, I worked out for the first time in a long while after being inspired by a very informative blog post I read today, written by Leila’s sister. I definitely want to make a point of practising self-love in the form of taking care of myself physically. I’ve done so well for myself both mentally and emotionally, but I can’t let that physical aspect fall behind. After all, my body is the vessel that carries my soul. I can nourish my soul, enhance the quality of its state, but if my body falls to shambles, eventually my soul will cease to exist too. One can’t be without the other.

After that, I had my shift, and well here I am now! That’s about all I believe.

Man, I can’t shake the way I was feeling today. I kept thinking about travelling, and how bored I was with things. This wander lust is crazy! All I want to do is adventure, collect experiences the way one would collect priceless treasures. But I’ve got priorities I have to focus on now, that’s the thing. Like finally graduating, and finding a job. Again, I’m not worried – I know I’m on the path I’m meant to be on. Things will fall into place as they’re meant to, for me. I have complete faith in that.

Still. I like shaking things up. I don’t like monotony for too long. I love having something to look forward to. Not that there’s anything wrong with my present moments, because I am content with the way my life is right now. I guess it’s just that I get restless easily. When you know there’s that much world out there, just waiting for you… day to day life gets a little bit dull in comparison.

Regardless of all of that though!!!!! No complaining, I’m lucky to be experiencing life the way I am in this moment, in the here and now. Life is good, it’s better than good, and I have plenty to look forward to.

But one thing I’ve been noticing lately, I must make note of – my anxiety is acting up again. I’m becoming anxious very easily over small things, and I’m glad I’m aware of it so that I can put things into perspective to change the way I feel, but I would like to learn how to cut off the source of anxiety before it begins. Hm.

I hope that once I start back in September, that I will be able to continue to see my counsellor. Despite how far I’ve come, I still feel like there’s work to be done still. Plus, self-awareness, conscientiousness, and mindfulness are not destinations, but journeys. And I’ve only just begun.

I love that I write. It really helps to keep me centered, honestly.

So tomorrow, I have the whole day to myself, for the first time in a while! I’m excited for some quality me-time. I think I’ll read some more of my book, maybe work out again if I’m up to it. I hope the weather’s nice so that I can sit out on the patio! It’s been a while.

Before I finish this, there were some thoughts I’ve had about Dylan that I kind of wanted to address.

So, I kind of psyched myself out last night by thinking that maybe, I shouldn’t have told him how I felt. Because like, we’re still getting to know each other, and it’s like, I’ve told him how I felt but there’s nothing he can really do with that knowledge, if that makes sense. Like, me telling him how I felt, I did that for me. I didn’t really consider the position it’d put him in, because I was so sure he was going to tell me that he only saw me as a friend and that we’d continue on in the way we have. I said it with the intention of getting it off my chest, nothing more or less than that.

I’ll admit, I started overthinking last night. But now?

I can’t regret what I did, because it’s already been done. And I don’t want to regret it, no matter what ends up happening. I think the overthinking was a result of the sudden anxiety I’ve been experiencing lately, in all honesty.

I like how things are right now, I really do. I’m in no rush whatsoever. I need to remember that.

I want him to know that he has a friend in me, above all else. That he can trust me, and that if he needs someone to talk to, he can do that with me. And I hope that he’ll come to know this, in time. For now, I’ll just let things happen as they do. I can’t live according to the idea that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to go about this, that there are unspoken “rules” I need to abide by to make this work. I just need to be myself, truly and in every way, and just go with that.

Alright! That’s that. I think we’ll be seeing each other briefly this weekend, because of work, so we’ll see how that goes. I’m looking forward to it. I never really know what to expect anymore, and I’m totally okay with that. I really do want to cultivate a mind frame where I’m not constantly thinking about what could happen next, or what has already past. Living for the present moment – that’s where I want to be.

Well, it’s late now! I’m considering staying up to watch an episode of Gossip Girl because that’s what I was really looking forward to doing when I got home, but I also hear bed calling my name now. Ah, to be an indecisive Libra LOL.

I’ll just draw this to a close and see how I feel after. I’ll write some time tomorrow, seeing as I’ll have an abundance of time to do so. Until then!

Love, love, love,

Me.

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