Day 223 + 224 – August 11th & 12th

Hello! Wow, what a doozy of a log this should be. I don’t really have time to give it full justice right now though because I have to shower and get ready for work, but I didn’t want to go to work without at least starting this. Here’s what I’m going to do:

I’m going to type as much of this as I can before I go, and break yesterday into two parts – my shift at work, and then my evening at the bridal shower. For now, I’ll cover my work shift, and when I get back from work tonight, I’ll talk about how the bridal shower went in detail because I owe last night that level of time, to write down. Yesterday was unexpected, cathartic and just crazy, but in some very amazing and positive ways.

Okay, crap, I can’t even do the first part because I’ve run out of time and I’ve got to shower. I’ll definitely without a doubt write when I get home from my shift tonight! Be right back!

I’m home now! It’s been a pretty great day, but I can’t talk about it until I cover all of yesterday in entirety. So, let’s back track and work our way up to this present moment.

Let’s see…

So yesterday, I had an early shift and it was actually a lot of fun, despite all the people I like most being on vacation or being off. It was mostly good because I got to spend a lot of time talking to Dylan, LOL.

He’s going to Las Vegas at the end of this month!!! I’m so, so excited for him – he’s going to be staying at one of the nicest hotels on the strip, the Venetian. They have an actual canal and gondolas at this hotel! Apparently it feels like you’re actually in Venice because of how amazingly well done the décor is. And, he’s going at the time that the McGregor vs. Mayweather boxing fight is going to be at, so the vibe in Vegas is going to be amazing while he’s there. Not to mention, he’ll be able to see the Grand Canyon and the Hoover Dam. I’m so happy for him! There really isn’t anything like travelling, in this life.

We talked about his upcoming tournament this Sunday, and about how he has his last exam for summer school this Monday, and whatever else that came up. There weren’t a lot of people in yesterday, so we actually got to talk quite a bit without getting interrupted at times, which was a nice change.

That’s about the extent of yesterday’s shift! Today’s was even better but before I get to that, I’ve got to address the happenings of last night’s bridal shower.

I don’t even know where to start!

Well, the bridal shower itself was absolutely stunning. The theme was Mid-Summer Night’s Dream and it was done to perfection, right down to the tiny details, the floral arrangements, the centerpieces, the delicately twinkling lights. It was breath-taking.

It was also open bar, LOL. So of course, I couldn’t resist grabbing a drink or two at first. I got there first, and then John joined me shortly after, so I was really glad that I had some company since everyone else I knew at that thing were from my old Sinhala class and they had their own little clique thing going on.

But later, Bianca and Bethany ended up showing up. And at first, I was honestly a little worried about how things would be. But right off the bat, we were able to sink into our old banter as though no time had passed. It felt… natural. I even caught my heart giving off pangs of nostalgia, and I remember thinking to myself, “it’s very possible that I miss these two human beings, despite everything I’ve told myself for the past couple months”.

We all started drinking together and taking advantage of the open bar, just because. And after a couple of drinks and a couple of hours, the truths began to pour out quicker than the alcohol had been poured for us.

It started slowly at first, simple “I miss you’s” being drunkenly blurted out and utterly meant. But after a while, we all sat down together and everything came out.

I apologized for the text message I sent, especially since it came almost four months too late and was full of my old angers and resentments over the way things happened. In all honesty, after I had sent that message, all of the anger and resentment dissipated. All I wanted was for them to know how I felt, and I had done just that. But did that mean I no longer wanted them in my life? At that time, that’s what I thought it had organically come down to, despite how sad that made me, so that’s what I said. That’s what I thought my truth was.

But seeing them last night, having things be like old times, hearing about their lives and seeing how far they’ve come made me realize my actual truth – I can’t give up on family, and I can’t imagine my life continuing on without having them in it. You don’t just find people you can vibe with that easily. We built these relationships from the ground up since the time we started walking and talking. We’ve seen each other at our worst, had some major differences, and been in really bad places with one another. But despite all of that, there isn’t a single part of me that doesn’t want to work through that and be able to continue to grow with them.

Last night was cathartic. It was honest and vulnerable and soul-bearing. It’s amazing how easily we can fool ourselves into believing that we are finished with people who once meant so much to us, when those people do something to hurt us. When we feel left behind, or distant. Last night, the universe brought us altogether and reminded us what’s really important. What’s worth fighting for, if you really want to have someone be a part of your life.

Honesty can be so difficult. Being vulnerable, allowing yourself to bear your past scars of hurt to someone who hurt you can seem like the worst thing to do, especially when it’s so much easier to tell yourself to move on with life and that you don’t need them. But the relief of the catharsis of having everything come out? Of letting it all go, putting everything on the table? It’s one of the best, most freeing feelings in the world. It’s not closure – it’s opening the door to freeing yourself of old energies, to let in new energy and growth.

I will not regret the way things happened, nor will I remain apologetic for the way they occurred, because everything happens exactly as it is meant to. I played my part, I said things, felt things but I cannot change or take back the way it all went down, and so I choose to accept and embrace these circumstances instead. I accept the past whole-heartedly knowing that I made the most of my present moment, yesterday. Knowing that the universe gave me a chance, brought us altogether so that I could see my real personal truth, regarding them.

That part of the night was definitely the best part. It was so good to see them so happy, and on that level that I wish for everyone to be on – that level of awareness and conscientiousness that allows for nothing but self-love and self-growth. However, there was another part of the night that I need to address, that was not full of light and love.

John broke down yesterday and confessed that he’s been having suicidal thoughts for the past six or seven years. While I was shocked to hear this coming from him, I was not surprised. I know what he’s been through with his family, the habits he practices in his life currently to avoid dealing with the way he feels. He told me that he’s even gotten to the point where he’s begun to plan it, in his head.

I made him promise me that he and I would go to the PCS services at school. We’ve been talking here and there ever since, and while he seems rather hesitant, the date and time is set and I’m not backing down on this. I’ve set a reminder, and I intend to talk to him every so often until the date of, just to check-in with him.

I told him I can’t imagine life without him and I meant it. I don’t know what I’d do if I woke up one day and found out that he was gone, and that I hadn’t done anything to help. He’s always been like a little brother to me, and even if I haven’t seen him as often as we used to when we were growing up, he’ll always be family to me. I hope that I can help him to get the help that he needs. Life is so beautiful and I want him to be able to see that, in due time.

So, that was the bridal shower party in a nutshell. Or in detail, rather. Crazy night, but lots of growth, and lots of things coming out for everyone.

Which brings me to today!

I made sure to text Bianca and Bethany this morning so that they knew that everything that happened last night wasn’t purely due to the alcohol and that my feelings were still real when I woke up this morning, LOL. I’ve come to realize that I don’t like texting very much. It doesn’t compare to having someone in front of you, hearing their voice and feeling their energy and presence. Nevertheless, it’s all I’ve got so I’ve got to make do with what I have.

I texted John to ask what his schedule was like and to tell him how proud I was of him for being strong enough to say something last night, and to agreeing to come with me to the PCS center when school starts. He said he’s not used to talking about it, but that he was glad that he did, and that he was looking forward to going to get help, so I’m glad.

After all of this, I got ready and went to work for my afternoon shift at my regular job.

Yesterday, while Dylan and I were talking, he’d mentioned that he was going to come in today at whatever time he felt like; he’d either wake up early and get to work early so that he could leave early, or sleep in and come in later. He asked what time I was working, and I told him I was a night shift, but that was that.

So today, I couldn’t help but wonder what shift he chose while I was getting ready for work. Did he choose to come in early and leave early? Or did he choose to work later (with me secretly hoping he did so that we could work together and talk)?

When I got in, after a while it seemed like he wasn’t there so I assumed he’d been in and left, which was a bummer. But after a half hour or so, he ended up coming in after all! Turns out, he’d just been stuck in traffic. The tiny little hopeful part of me that exists now wonders if he came in later because he knew that I was nights too, but eh. Could have just been that he wanted to sleep in. But still, a girl can dream.

Anyways, today was great once again with the amount of talking we got to do, but as per usual, we kept getting interrupted. I honestly don’t know what it is about him, but I legit feel like I could talk to him about anything for however long and never grow tired of the conversation! It actually irks me when we get interrupted, even though we’re supposed to be doing our jobs LOL.

He was explaining to me today, more in depth about what his tournament is going to consist of tomorrow. So basically, it’s three rounds of five minute sparring, and he has to win all three to be able to move forward to the next round. And if he continues to win, he’d be the champion of his weight class, and he’d go on to fight other champions in other weight classes. And he’s not worried at all about tomorrow; he’s excited yet calm and so confident that he’s going to win. It’s ridiculously sexy.

I know I’ve said this before, but I love that when we’re pacing around the department, and walking towards each other, he always smiles at me in this particular way of his, which makes me smile back in the exact same way. Sigh. I’ve honestly got it so bad for this guy.

I just don’t understand how he can be so mature! I want to know why, how it happened, when it began, what led to it. How exactly he became so self-aware and conscientious, because it’s so, so rare to meet someone like that.

I’m really glad that we worked together so much this past weekend because, even though they weren’t dates or anything like that, we talked a lot and we still find ways to get to know each other in that time we spend together, even if we’re supposed to be working.

Like we’d talk about music, or he’d tell me where he’d live if he could choose (up north – fresher air, more space, cheaper, and all around better living conditions). He’d ask about my sister, which means a lot to me, which would lead into conversations about our siblings. I told him about what happened at the bridal shower, and he’d listen seriously and offer insight where he could. We even got into a brief discussion about the nature of gender in today’s society – I love his willingness to learn about pretty much everything, and to teach where he can.

At the end of his shift, he came over to say goodbye and I gave him a massive hug (I honestly didn’t mean to pretty much tackle him, but my lack of heels today had me going up on my tip-toes to be able to hug him). And then he asked if I was going to be in on Tuesday, but I’m off. So then I reminded him about the movie this week, and he said he was still down, so I told him I would text him so that we could figure it out.

I was so much more casual this time around bringing it up – go me! I’ll probably text him some time on Monday, since I know he’ll be hella busy with his tournament tomorrow and then studying for his exam. I just hope he’ll be free on the days that I’m free! But we’ll see – after all, whatever is meant to happen, will happen.

I’ve got so much hope for this. It’s a little scary, because anything could happen, good or bad. But I’m hoping for the best. It can’t be a coincidence that the moment I chose self-love and began to become aware of myself, that someone like him was introduced into my life. I don’t believe in coincidences anymore, now that I’ve seen over and over just how much things really do happen for a reason.

So we’ll see!

This weekend ended up turning out great, just as I felt it would. And now, yet another week is looming around the corner and once again, I have plenty to look forward to. But regardless of all of that – here’s to this moment, right here, right now.

Off to bed I go! I’ll write some time tomorrow when I get a chance. Until then!

Love, love, love,

Me.

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