Hello!!! So I’m home after a lovely evening with some incredible people. Yesterday was such a nice reunion – we all ate, laughed, talked and drank together, just enjoying one another’s company.
There’s some things I would like to address in this log today. I’ve done some self-reflection, as a result of my recent feelings of sudden anxiety, the meditation I did today, and the excerpt of “The Monk Who Sold His Ferarri” I read shortly after.
Alright so, to put it simply: I’ve been feeling really, really anxious lately and when I think about it now, it stems from a lot of the interactions I have. For example: I get really nervous about the way the people I care about perceive me. When I care about someone, I care very deeply about what they think of me because for some reason, in my mind, their opinion of me is a direct reflection of how I see myself.
To get even more direct: I have a lot of anxiety about my interactions with Sera. I respect her deeply and care very, very much about her, and for some reason after our conversations, I feel anxious. Not because it’s anything she’s said or done – but because I so badly want her to like me as much as I like her, that it makes me nervous when we converse.
Another example: I have this incessant urge to be as “nonchalant” and “casual” as humanly possible towards Dylan, as to not spook him off what with my initial grand gesture, that that’s become another source of anxiety. I keep catching myself second-guessing the way I text, or wondering if every action I consider taking is too “forward”.
And lastly, one last example: the way I’ve been dividing my time. Like this week, I had to consider that I have shifts at my regular job, my second job, that Avery and Leila wanted to hang out, that my mom wanted me to run some errands with her before my parents leave to the cottage, that the girls from work were hosting a sleepover, and that I had to plan my date with Dylan. My anxiety in this regard stemmed from my idea of prioritization: was I blowing anyone off by prioritizing one over the other? Was I being too consumed by the idea of my date, that I was putting other plans on hold? Was I going to have any time to myself at all this week?
So, I’ve considered all the roots of each of my anxieties and where they stemmed from. By the time I came home today, I couldn’t even settle into watching an episode of Gossip Girl without feeling my heart race for what I assumed to be no reason whatsoever. But it was my anxiety. I felt muddled, anxious and worried. So, I closed my laptop, grabbed “The Monk”, and headed outside with every intent to meditate and center myself.
I’m so glad I did.
I’m going to address each root of my anxiety, one by one. My intuition spoke to me clearly as I meditated and breathed deeply, and then reading “The Monk” reaffirmed that which I already knew within me, but needed to realize once more.
Alright so: my anxieties regarding how people perceive me, how I want Sera to like me, how I don’t want to “scare” Dylan off, and how I divide my time all trace back to one undeniable truth that I must, at all times, remember: I am who I am.
To elaborate on this truth: I am a good person. I have nothing but good intentions to all those I meet, know, and care about in my life. I care very deeply about the people in my life. I strive to ascertain not only my own happiness, but the happiness of the people who are in my life. I do my utmost best to practice positivity in every aspect that my life entails.
I am not perfect. I am learning, each and every day of my life, in what ways I would like to improve my life and the quality in which I live it. I want to be a better person. I want to be fearless. I want to be happy, truly happy in the ways that I know one can be in this life.
That being said – I must remember without a single doubt, that I must and in every way always be myself. I will not, cannot, nor do I ever want to change who I am as a person in the fears that I am not “likeable” or that I’m not abiding by some unwritten and ridiculous rule book that society has created when it comes to human interaction.
I can’t make anyone like me. I can’t make anyone stay, if they want to go. I can’t stop the way people react to the ways I speak, act, think or express myself. But what is within my power? The ability to stay true to myself, utterly, in all ways and in every way. If I practice this integrity in my every interaction, then I can move forward having faith in the fact that I did just that, regardless of the outcome. I can’t control the way people will perceive me. Nor would I ever want to. Because the people who are meant to be in my life, will be. The people who choose to see the truest nature of my self, will.
I need to have more faith in myself, what I bring to my interactions with people, who I am as a person, and the way I perceive myself. The way people see me is NOT a direct reflection of myself – people will choose to see what they want to see. The only thing that will ever really matter is how I see myself. Because I’M the only one who will have to live with myself for the entire duration of life that I get to live.
So. Applying this truth to each of my anxieties.
Sera is a smart woman who is kind, empathetic, wise, and an all-around amazing human being. I hold a high regard of respect towards her because she is the person I attribute the start of my self-awareness journey to; she’s the person who recommended “Outwitting the Devil” to me, the book that ignited a very deep-seated need for change in my life. The book that started me on my expedition into conscientiousness. That opened my eyes to the universe, to manifesting my intentions, to being my best self, and striving for a continuously higher level of vibration.
I might have mentioned this briefly to her, but I don’t think she knows the real depth of how much change she inspired in my life.
So, would I like to have a person like this in my life? Of course! But, does that mean I should be nervous around her, anxious that I’m going to say something that I myself (and only I) perceives as “wrong”, when it comes to someone like her? Absolutely not!
I just have to be myself, through and through, and have faith in the person that I am. I’ve managed to nurture and maintain some amazing relationships in my life, and a lot of those relationships work because I am my truest self – loving, affectionate, cheesy as hell, super weird and wacky, but also supportive, encouraging and positive, always.
Will I make mistakes in these relationships I foster? Absolutely yes. I’m only human. Will those mistakes result in the end of those relationships? Chances are, if they’re real and healthy, then no. Because everyone makes mistakes. The main point is to be able to learn from them, and move forward accordingly. And I aspire to have each and every one of the relationships I invest myself in to be their healthiest and as uplifting as possible.
In regards to Dylan – this is another place that my truth really applies. I know who I am. After having worked on myself throughout the duration of this entire year, after having brought myself to this place of self-awareness, conscientiousness and confidence, I can safely say that I am not only comfortable with who I am as a person, but I openly love and respect myself.
I fall hard. I know I do. It’s a part of who I am.
All I can do in this situation is be myself in totality, fearlessly, and with no holds barred. And either he sees the value in that and feels the same way, or he doesn’t. And if he doesn’t, it has absolutely nothing to do with who I am as a person, whatsoever. All it means is that it’s just not meant to be. It could mean that he himself has things to work on before he decides to invest in something with someone else. But again – nothing to do with who I am, or what I bring to the table.
I did something fearless this summer. I told this person, who has come to mean a lot to me, how I felt. It took a lot of courage, and every ounce of facing my fears of rejection that I had. But I did it, and I still couldn’t be prouder of myself. So, how can I allow myself to falter out of fear now? I started this off as bravely as I humanly could, and so I owe it to myself to continue to see this through as fearlessly as I can, regardless of what the outcome might be.
No matter what happens – if my so-called worst fears of him getting scared off happen, due to the nature of my feelings towards him, then it just means that he’s not ready and that’s totally, totally okay. In fact, if he’s self-aware enough to know that this isn’t something that he wants for himself right now, then kudos to him! Not many people know themselves well enough to really know what they want! Which leads to a lot of confusion and unhappiness.
Another thing I’ve noticed – in regards to this, I consistently have expected the worst. When I told him how I felt, I was expecting him to tell me that he solely saw me as a friend. When I intend to ask him to hang out after the movie tomorrow, despite me visualizing it actually happening, there’s a part of myself that’s expecting him to say no.
Are we so afraid to be disappointed, that we manifest the “worst possible outcomes” in our head as a preparatory measure? How unfortunate and sad is it, that we’re so afraid to be unhappy that we unintentionally give power to this feeling by giving it life through visualizing the worst thing that could happen!?
We’re so scared of pain that we fear hope.
Disappointment, pain, fear, unhappiness – these are all perceptions of the mind. You choose and manifest what your reality becomes.
Have hope. Let your expectations soar. Visualize the best possible outcome for yourself. Imagine the feeling of having everything work out exactly as you wish it to be. Give power to those positive feelings, and give them a chance to manifest. And should the opposite of what you hope for occurs?
Change your perception of that situation and you WILL change your reality. “Disappointment” can easily become “this was the way that things were truly meant to happen, and I accept this outcome”. “Sadness” can become “even though this feels like it hurts right now, I know deep down that ultimately there must be a reason that things happened this way.” “Disillusionment” can become “faith in the universe’s plan.” “Defeat” can become “determination”. It’s all a matter of how you CHOOSE to see things, and what we fail to understand and recognize, time and time again, is that WE HAVE EVERY POWER TO CHOOSE THE WAY WE REACT TO THE THINGS THAT OCCUR IN OUR LIFE.
Wow. I digressed, but it was a good digression for sure.
Anyways, bringing it back to what I was talking about before – tomorrow, I’m going to be myself when we go to see this movie. I’ll crack lame jokes as I usually do, be thoroughly invested in how his concert was and how his Las Vegas trip plans are going. And after the movie, I will be honest and open and ask him if he’d like to have dinner with me at my place. If he says yes, well then that’s great. And if he says no? Then that’s exactly what was meant to happen, simple as that.
And continuing onwards, I will not expect the worst. From now on, I’m going to hope for the best. I’m going to imagine it all happening, give life to those intentions by allowing myself to visualize all the good that could come from this. Because, ultimately I know what I want. But if I give power to my fears by allowing myself to imagine the worst? It will dilute the purity of the courage and honesty that I mustered when it came to telling him how I felt.
So, yeah. I want a relationship, eventually. But not the kind of relationship that society promotes and bombards us with on a daily basis. I want a relationship of pure freedom, space to grow, with no attachments to the unnecessary (such as social media or even texting on a constant basis). I want a relationship where we encourage each other to be our best selves possible, where we teach each other new things and new ways to see the situations we encounter. A relationship where we are friends, real friends who support each other and where we’re vulnerable with one another because we can be. Because the mutual trust and respect is there.
If what I want is meant to be, it will be. If it’s not, then it won’t. I accept all possibilities, but I will not prepare myself for the worst any longer. I will hope for the best. I will imagine the possible happinesses, the memories that could be made and the lessons that could be learnt.
There will be zero room for negativity in my life, moving forwards. If I can eradicate all sources of negative energy in every aspect of my life – my thoughts, feelings, the way I speak and act, the way I perceive my circumstances and the things that occur in my life – then I know that it can be possible for me to live the most amazing life possible.
I feel so great! All that anxiety I was feeling before seems to have left completely. But one last concern to address: the way I prioritize my time.
I think the deeper root of that anxiety was my fear of disappointing people. But once again, here is the truth regarding that manner: I am only one person. If I allow myself to be pulled in sixty different ways in order to make everyone else happy (solely to my own perceptions even), then there won’t be anything left of me, or for me. I can’t expend all my energies in that many directions without taking a toll on myself.
So sometimes, that’s going to take a little bit of selective prioritizing. Does that make me a bad person? Nope. Does that mean I hold any less regard for any of the relationships in my life, by this prioritizing? Nope. “The people who matter won’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.” I’ve heard this quote somewhere, and it’s so true in relevance to this situation – the people in my life who know their value and worth to me, will not be offended if I cannot find the time for them for just one week. It’d be more understandable if I consistently prioritized one over the other in a repetitive manner because that would mean I was taking someone for granted – but that’s not me.
And also in regards to prioritizing my time – while working two jobs that I enjoy has been great so far, it’s totally okay to take a break from one or both sometimes to mentally and physically recuperate. While I know I should be working as much as possible since my finances are struggling slightly, money will come and it will go. If I attach more value to money than I actually should, I’m going to suffer because it will always seem like I don’t have enough of it. So, I choose to work as hard as I can, when I can, but not more than I should.
This was an incredible log, and I’m very, very happy for myself today. I kept thinking, I can’t wait to talk to my counselor when I get back to school because I hate these feelings of anxiety. But I helped myself today. I meditated, and I brought to light and reaffirmed the vast expanse of knowledge and wisdom I hold within me by reading “The Monk”, as well as engaged in some real introspection regarding the root of my anxieties. In being honest with myself, I was able to center myself.
I cannot begin to express how incredibly happy I am that I have documented the numerous and indescribable ways that I have changed for the better this year. This log is everything to me. And come September, I can’t wait to see how all of these positive changes will be implemented and put to the test. I’m truly looking forward to this new start.
Anyways, that’s about all for today! I’m actually really excited now, about my date with Dylan tomorrow. I promise to be fearless, to be myself, and to maintain my faith in the universe no matter what may happen. I will always hope for the best.
I’ll write tomorrow when I get a chance! I have this incredibly amazing good feeling about tomorrow. It’s going to be good. I can feel it in my soul.
Love, always and in every way,