Day 253 – September 10, 2017

Hi, hi.

I am in such a weird mood, I think I need to sort out my thoughts.

Okay so, today was my date! And once again, it went really well – I bought the tickets just like I wanted to, and we got to talk before the movie started, which was nice. I told him how I finally got the opportunity to tell Sera about how much Outwitting the Devil really changed my life, how the person I was a year ago seems to be dead and gone, and I’m so much happier, stronger, smarter and wiser as a result. (This was actually a really nice moment for me yesterday, that made my entire day. I got so emotional that I started to cry, LOL. But she hugged me, and honestly her hugs are the best).

He told me that she had told him, and he thought it was so sweet (even the crying part, much to my mild embarrassment heh). He mentioned that work was going well, that it was a good change of pace to be keeping up with two jobs.

During the movie, I tried to make sure that I was leaning towards him, but man! This guy stayed put in his seat, upright and dead center. Le sigh. But, on the bright side – there were moments where we’d talk so he’d have to lean really close to me to hear what I was saying, or vice versa, so that was really nice. There was this funny part that I had missed, and he leaned right into my ear to tell me what it was and, mm. Goddamn. I could get used to that feeling. LOL.

And he smelled so ridiculously good! Le sigh x five.

So the movie was obviously incredible. I jumped and yelled a couple times, I can’t lie. And oh my god. He did this absolutely adorable thing where he’d turn his head to the side, right before a scary part. I literally could not.

After the movie, we talked about it (haha, “it”), and about how he recently started Game of Thrones. We had to go through outside though, and he was only wearing a t-shirt, so he was freezing. I joked that I’d have given him my leather jacket but it obviously wouldn’t of fit, hehe. He commented on my fall-inspired outfit though! Progress, progress.

Once we got to my house, I once again did that thing where I got super nervous and it basically looked like I wanted to throw myself out of the car as quickly as I could. I. need. to. CHILL.

But, he thanked me for the movie, and said he had fun, and wished me luck with school this week, and said that he’d see me next Sunday when we work together. And I basically mumbled back the same stuff as I exited his car. What is with me?!

All of that aside. Overall, it went really, really well. I really like spending time with him and I still feel the same way I have for the past 7-8 months, if not more.

But. I’m in a terrible war with my old insecurities once again. I don’t even really know what it is, per se; I’m so happy with who I am today, what I bring to the table. I know I’m not lacking in any way, shape or form. So what am I so afraid of, exactly?

I guess, that the way I feel is one-sided, despite all of this. That, this won’t grow or become more than what it is, right now. I’m afraid that I’m not being assertive enough, that I’m being “too” friendly, if that’s possible. I used to think that I was a good flirt but… I don’t know what it is, but am I the one that’s holding back? Is he?

And, all of this begs the question: should I even be dating right now then, if this is how I feel?

Alright, let’s give me a little more credit here though. I’ve been super fearless, confident, and yes friendly, because I want him to know that he can trust me and rely on me, if need be. As for all the other stuff? I’ve never really been the kind of person to initiate the… physicality, of it all I suppose. I keep wondering if it’s because we don’t have chemistry, but that can’t quite be it either, because I couldn’t stop thinking of how close he was sitting to me today and lord knows I would jump his bones if I was ever given the chance to.

I feel like the only answer here, once again, is to be patient. But how many times have I told myself this? But again, the really good things in life are worth the wait, and I won’t ever know for sure if he is, if I don’t settle down and wait it out. The moments will come where he opens up, but it won’t just happen in the blink of an eye. He needs to get comfortable with me at his own pace, and I know that.

^ I feel like that came from my inner voice of wisdom, and I’m going to listen to it. Honestly, I love hanging out with Dylan. He’s fun, and funny, and so, so easy to talk to and be around. And I think he’s sexy as hell, and he’s also so smart and knowledgeable. I know it deep down, my gut is telling me he’s worth the wait. So, I’m just going to stick it out, and do what I can in the meantime. Either way, I have a lot of stuff I need to focus on as it is! So everything happens as it’s meant to, for a reason, and as it will.

I feel a lot better now. No timeframes! No expectations, just fun. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen, and it will when it is meant to happen. I need to remember that.

Anyways, I have to wake up early to head into work at my second job tomorrow due to an unfortunate mishap with the schedule, sigh. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow. But it’s fine! I’m going to get through it, and class will begin again on Tuesday, and I’m looking forward to this week. I’ve got to get started on my readings! I definitely want to make sure I’m ahead of the game this time around.

Oh man, it’s going to be a busy week. But you know, putting things into perspective? It’s not that bad at all. It’s nothing I can’t handle. I just need to remember to find moments for me.

I’ll try to write as much as I possibly can throughout this week, especially to make sure I’m doing self-check-ins and making sure I’m okay. So, until I write next!

Love,

Me.

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