Day 254, 255, 256 – September 11th, 12th, & 13th

Hello, hello! I promised to try to write when I could this week and today happened to be the day! (It’s Wednesday currently). I didn’t end up having tutorial today since it was the first class, so I got to come home earlier, which was nice! So, let’s catch up on what’s happened since Monday, the 11th.

Monday, I had a my first double shift since school’s begun and man, was it a busy day. Basically what happened was: I was scheduled for a night shift in BOTH jobs, but I couldn’t work both and my first job is my priority, so I had to switch my shift at my second job, but no one was offering to take it. The compromise became that I would become an opening shift (which I haven’t done ever by myself, and I’ve only been trained on it once), and that they would try to get me out as soon as they could. The opening shift was set to end at 5 pm and I was supposed to be at my regular job by 3:45, but luckily Maria was okay with me coming in a little later, so it all worked out okay. Nonetheless, I spent a full 12 hours in the mall this Monday.

I think if things continue at this rate, I may have to let my second job go for the time being. In all honesty, I really do want school to be my top priority, and I need to make the most of the time I can get when I’m not working at the my regular job, you know? And as much as I love my second job, there’s no point to wasting my time and working only one shift a week, it won’t add up to much additional income and all it will do is become a waste of time, now that I’ve landed my promotion as a demo.

At the end of this month, I’ll know for sure what my course of action should be in regards to this. I think I already know deep down, but I’ll just give it this month.

Onwards to yesterday, which was Tuesday! I had my first full day of classes, and it went really well! I’m ADORING my psychology class – the professor is just incredible, energetic, and the course material has actually shifted significantly since the first time I did Psych way back in 2011. I’m honestly so excited about all the courses I’m enrolled in for this year. They’re all so different, yet relevant, and I know for sure they’re going to expand my mind on the intellectual level that I’ve been craving so badly for so long.

After class, Leila and Avery came to York so that we could hang out and celebrate our six years of friendship! It was so much fun – we started off with some dinner at Shopsy’s, and then we ended up lying in the courtyard near the lecture halls, outside. It was so nice to just talk about everything and anything, to catch up and have real talks like we haven’t had in a while. It felt just like the old days, when we used to kill time at York doing whatever we wanted to. I’m so glad that we’re all still so close, and I know for sure it’s going to continue on this way because we each understand the importance of effort and friendship.

So that was yesterday! Which leads me to today, which was an absolutely amazing fantastic day. This morning… I finally started my driver’s lessons!!!!!!! I’m beginning to face my fear of driving, and I couldn’t be prouder of myself. Man, the obstacles I’ve overcome in this past year alone. It’s been amazing! So the lesson went pretty well – I started off slow, didn’t really press the gas pedal too much. But honestly? Once I did start getting used to the gas pedal and started using it, the breeze that came into the car through the window actually felt so nice! It started to actually become… fun!? I KNOW! It’s nuts. I’ve been so scared for so long. I knew that if I didn’t throw myself into this headfirst, then I’d never do it at all. So I’m proud of me.

After my lesson, I went to school and holy shit. The class I had today. I could feel my heart skipping beats, was how excited I was. We’re looking at disasters in a historical context, and GOD HOW I MISS HISTORY. I loved history so, so much back in high school, and I’m so excited to be delving into it yet again, in a different context. All in all, I’M SO IN LOVE WITH EACH OF MY CLASSES! I’ve never felt this motivated before! And if I have, it never felt like this – real, consistent, and lasting. One class is the passion I want to pursue, one will challenge me to think as critically as I ever have, one is just plain cool since we’re talking about possible life outside of earth, and the last is absolutely fascinating in so many different ways. Not to mention, the course outlines for each class proposed that everything seems doable, and passable in a successful fashion – in combination, it doesn’t seem like I’m going to be overwhelmed in any sense! I have so, so much faith in both myself and my capabilities that all I feel is excited.

So much to look forward to! I still need to organize myself a little, but this weekend, it looks like work is going to take a little precedence – I have some massive numbers to pull since I’m the one who’s going to be on counter for two major events. But I’m not worried though; whatever’s meant to happen, will happen. I have my new demo job. It’s not like they can take that away from me, and if they do, well then I was meant to be at my second job. I’m not worried about any of that in all honesty. I have complete faith in where the universe is leading me right now. I’m glad these will be my last ever events I’ll have to worry about! I’m so incredibly excited to become a demo, and I’m so lucky and blessed to have been offered this opportunity. Regardless of what happens, I swear to myself I won’t take it for granted and I will work hard, because I know that this was fought for me and it wasn’t easily given.

Let’s see, what else?

Oh yes! Having received all of my course outlines, I have found out that there isn’t a SINGLE assignment, major lesson, or test during the week that I go to Grand Cayman Islands!!! Which means that this trip was truly meant to be, and that means that I can actually accept that it’s happening and get excited about it! WHOO HOO! I’M GOING ON YET ANOTHER VACATION!

Holy shit. This year, I went to Hawaii, Las Vegas, and now I’m going the Cayman fucking Islands. What a year for travel it’s been!!! I can only imagine where life will lead me next year.

Well, that’s about all the catching up I wanted to do for this log! How am I doing?

I’m feeling good! Really positive about this upcoming year. I would definitely like to be more on the ball with my time management skills, but that’s a work in progress until I get used to this new routine, and until everything settles into what it’s become. So I’m not worried about that.

I emailed my counselor about continuing our appointments, but I haven’t heard back from her yet! But whatever is meant to happen, will. I’m sure I’ll hear back from her soon. And if I don’t, and I really need to, then I know where to find her.

There’s one thing that’s bothering me that I would like to address before I finish up with this, but I would like to stress to myself here that I am not attaching serious weight to any of this. I just need to vent a little, let go of the feelings, and that’s that.

So since my date with Dylan, we’ve been texting pretty consistently, and snap-chatting as well, which has been nice! Like I had said before, I didn’t quite have any expectations towards it, and I was trying to maintain that. Until today. LOL.

Today, I snap-chatted about my driver’s lesson, and we snapped back and forth about it for a little bit, and then he started appearing shirtless in his snaps, with casual responses, and my soul almost left my body while I was sitting in Falafel Hut, no word of a lie.

So, trying to be a little more forward, I snap-chatted back saying that I was enjoying his lack of shirt in the snaps he was sending, but like jokingly (and once again, in an attempt to flirt). And he sent one back saying that it was because of how hot it was in his house, which to me just seemed like a deflection.

I don’t want to be that girl, the one who tries to de-code and analyze every snap, or text. I would love to say that I don’t care. But I am who I am. I care deeply. So, while I can let go of the basic stuff (I actually don’t care so much about the texts and snaps, honestly), I do care about what it could mean because I care about him, and I care about whatever this might be. I’m shucking off the self-doubt (it ain’t me, I know I’m awesome, lame humour and weirdness and all).

But it’s just so frustrating sometimes! I asked Avery for his male-oriented opinion, and he said that that’s a guy thing: the shirtlessness was probably intentional (as casual as it was), so my pointing it out led to the deflection. Which is fine, I didn’t take it personally or anything like that. What I was hoping for though (setting myself up for the frustration in the first place through expectation, understandably) was SOME kind of acknowledgement of the fact that I was trying to flirt!!!

I can’t even begin to express how attracted to this guy I am. So, yes, it’s slightly frustrating when I try to make it known, only to have it be deflected. Sigh.

Well. Ultimately what’s most important to me is the true connection, the emotional/mental one. I’m well aware that that’s the connection that’s going to take time, and I’ve come to terms with that. Now, I just have to tame the side of me that’s clawing at the walls in frustration over not being able to climb him like a tree. Patience, my dear friend. It’s all you’ve got.

Because ultimately, no matter how frustrating this may get, I’m not giving up. I’m not giving up unless the universe makes it known to me that this isn’t meant for me. That’s the only reason I would let this go. That and, it ends up being that he can only see me as a friend, despite the dates. But again, that would be a matter of the universe.

I’m not holding on solely because of the potential I see in this/him, or because I have some idealistic version of him in my head, no. I’m not letting go because I genuinely want to get to know him as a person; the inner quirks, hidden fears, worst/best moments, saddest memories, biggest accomplishments, deepest dreams, the self-perceived/imposed flaws, the most passionate of passions he holds.

Wow, I feel so much better. It’s so easy to get lost in the minor and meaningless details and lose sight of the bigger picture. I need to remember this ^. So I bolded it, in case I ever need to go back to it.

Lord have mercy on my soul. I want to say I’ve never had to wait this long for a person, but I have. Although it turned out that that wasn’t meant for me, I spent years nurturing feelings for someone, years. So this isn’t that bad, in comparison. Not to mention, it gave me time to work on myself, and continue to work on myself. I’m still a work in progress and I’m very much enjoying everything I’m still learning about myself as time goes on. I’m happy to say that this is the most I’ve known myself, loved myself, respected myself and accepted myself in all my years of living. Still got ways to go though! I’m just going to try my hardest to enjoy this journey and not lose myself in the tiny details of this beautiful big picture.

I feel great again! I’m excited for this weekend of work, of more classes, and eventually being able to see him again this Sunday. So much to look forward to! I’ll try to write when I get a chance, but I know that the next four-five days are going to be super busy, so no pressure.

Until next time!

Love, love, love,

Me.

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