Hello! Yikes, it’s getting a little too spaced out in between logs at this point. I think I’m getting a little too used to writing every couple days or so, because I’ve been noticing a pattern for the past like four or five logs, that they’ve covered multiple days. But you know, like I’ve said before in one of my prior logs from August, that I’m no longer as attached to writing every day as I once was, so I suppose that it’s okay. As long as I’m making sure to remain in tune with myself, that my mind isn’t becoming back-logged with too many thoughts, then that’s all that matters. Also, as long as I’m remembering the important things, the growth-inducing lessons and happiness-filled memories, then that’s all that matters too.
So, what have I missed this Thursday, Friday and Saturday that I need to make note of?
Well, now that I’ve named the days, it actually makes so much sense as to why I haven’t written lately. Thursday and Friday were definitely two of the busiest days I had in the week – I went straight from school to work, and man. There were two massive work events both days, and by Friday? I was actually quite mentally exhausted. Not to mention, I was wearing my contact lenses so much (my days have become elongated what with returning to school full-time), that one of my eyes turned dangerously bright red, and there was a massive vein crossing the white of my eyes that led directly into my pupil.
The last time something like that happened to me, it was because I had been sleeping with my contact lenses on, and an eye doctor explained to me that the longer I wore my contacts, the less oxygen that my pupils were receiving. Hence why the red veins were growing across my eyes – it was my body’s way of getting oxygen through to my pupils, through the blood vessels.
And then yesterday, I developed a super sharp pain on the lower left side of my abdomen, similar to when I had that weird kidney pain that had me end up in the hospital. Basically, I know these things were my body’s way of warning me: “Listen you. Glad you’re back at it, and working hard. But DO NOT forget to take care of yourself! Something has to give. So take your pick.”
And my body is right. Something has to go. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I am bidding adieu to my second job (at least for the time being). I have a shift tomorrow, and so I’m going to tell my manager that I regretfully have to take a brief hiatus from working while I settle into school.
If my hours get cut in January for demoing, at least I’ll have a back-up plan and a place I can return to, because I know they’d love to have me back there, for sure. So I’m just going to say it’s because of school, and hope they understand. They seem to be very understanding, so I’m not all too worried. My gut is telling me that this is the right thing to do. While I would love to entertain the notion that I am capable of maintaining two jobs AND a full-time school schedule, AND a bit of a social life, AND a proper sleep schedule, I’m not super-human and there aren’t enough hours in this week for me to do all of this.
Anyways, that’s about that for those days! The work events didn’t really go all too well, so I was a little bit nervous this weekend, but I’m sure it’ll blow over by the time Maria gets back to work. I did my best, and regardless I do work hard when I need to. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen.
This weekend was fun though, for the most part! Because Luna was in, and we had so much fun blasting music through the department and dancing around when it got dead, and Dianne was in and I love talking with her because she’s so much fun. And Sera was in too for a while, and she and I connected and she told me some stories of her past, when she used to work for the same fragrance company that I’m about to start working for (which in turn taught me that I do need to watch my back, because this is a business and people will be ruthless when it comes to numbers). Her stories were also direct examples of karma (against the people who did wrong against her, not that she EVER wished bad on them). Either way, I love talking with Sera. And like I genuinely love her, her demeanor and just the way she is. She’s got the most soothing voice, but she can also get super tough and hella straight forward, which I love. Dylan’s a lucky son to a super cool, super amazing mom, that’s for sure.
Which leads me to today, which was Sunday, a day that was… a super fantastically amazing wonderful day.
So today, Dylan was in, and I’m going to start from the very beginning because I don’t want to miss a detail of how great it was. I’m sure there’ll be things I’ll have already forgotten, but I definitely want to get the gist of it.
He came in a little later today, and I was at the front of the department (because I wanted him to make his way over so that I could hug him without everyone watching or keeping their eyes on us LOL). But he kind of dawdled and I legit couldn’t wait any longer (I was really excited to see him :$) so I walked over and said hello.
And the first thing he noticed was my glasses (as I’ve been wearing them all weekend, what with the contact lens problem). I immediately raised my hands to my face embarrassedly out of habit, but he said they were cute, with that gorgeous smile of his. He said he wished he could rock glasses too, and I joked that he should be thankful for his 20/20 vision, to which he agreed. Still, it made me smile. (And holy crap if he wore glasses, he’d definitely look like the sexiest nerd ever. For sure.)
After that, we caught up a little bit about how our weeks had been, and he told me about his current dilemma – his best friend Drew doesn’t want to go anywhere but Thailand, Dylan would be okay with either Thailand OR Hawaii, and his jiu-jitsu buddies wouldn’t mind going with him to Hawaii. So he’s a little bit stuck as to where he’d like to go, but he’s not hopeful in regards to Thailand because he feels he’s had his expectations dashed way too many times in regards to it, and he doesn’t want to get his hopes up anymore (which made me sad for him, because I know that that Thailand trip has always been a dream of his).
I tried really hard to give him space and not be around him too much in the department, but man. I don’t really know, but it’s like every time I end up pacing around, I end up back near him and we end up in conversation. It just feels natural! I love when he works because it feels so nice to have someone to talk to, as much as we do.
We talked about hockey, and how excited he was for it, and how the pre-season games were starting soon. And he told me how he always goes to the home opener with his cousin, because it’s tradition. And I worked up the nerve to say (albeit casually), how much I’d love to go to a hockey game this season, because of how fun it seems to watch. And he agreed, but left it at that. At least it’s out there now! Even if he doesn’t ask, hands down I’m definitely going to go to a game this year.
After that I went on break with Lianna, and while we were walking back my heart kind of felt heavy. Once we got back, he let me know he was going on break and while he was gone, I began to contemplate where the heaviness was coming from.
I felt sad, because as much as I liked him and was attracted to him, I had no idea where his head was at in regards to me, and it just felt a little disheartening I suppose. As much as I loved our endless conversations, I couldn’t help but wonder if that’s all we’d be limited to. Which would have been fine, because I very much enjoy being his friend – he’s funny, and so smart, and so much fun to talk to and be around. But was that all we would ever be?
And so, as I paced around the department, I could feel myself asking the universe for a sign. For anything, really. I just wanted to know that I was on the right path when it came to this. That my patience had a reason. I know it was a lot to ask of the universe, because all reasons are revealed when they are meant to be. I didn’t want to lose faith, I really didn’t, but I was beginning to teeter a little. I needed just a little bit of reassurance, just a bit.
The universe heard me.
When he came back from break, we started talking once again but this time, we were having non-stop full-fledged conversations (thank goodness it was so dead today, I’m pretty sure this is the only reason that this was possible). It got to the point that when someone like Lianna approached us, she’d say “I’m sorry to interrupt” like, five times LOL. It was quite funny actually. I wonder how we look to everyone else, talking as much as we do. I swear we end up in our own world when we have these conversations. I wouldn’t have even noticed if a customer walked past, is how focused I become.
There were so many moments in these conversations that made me happy, that made me smile. There were moments that I legit had to walk away so that I could smile super, super wide (pretty sure I looked like a maniac to anyone who happened to pass by and see my face), but I honestly couldn’t help it. But here are the moments that stood out to me the most.
The first one was one of the best. I was walking back on one of my pacing-loops of the department (everyone pace-loops because it’s literally all we have to do when it’s that dead), and he happened to be walking towards me. And he was like, “do you like sushi?” Which immediately made me laugh (on the inside) because we’ve had that conversation at least two or three times before, where we’ve talked about how much each of us love sushi LMAO. Which means we both share a poor memory problem when it comes to certain things. Uh oh.
So I told him that I loved it, and he told me about this really cute place that he and his brother discovered close to downtown – it was family run, and so small to the point that the owners would hug their customers goodbye (so cute!) It was also in the nicer part of the city. And then he recalled how I’ve never been to those parts before (King City, or Kleinberg), and then he said that he and I would go to that place, that he’d take me. Which immediately made me super happy – I wasn’t sure if there’d be a third date, or a suggestion to hang out at all. But in all honesty, I was planning on leaving it to him, because it’d help me indicate where he was kind of at in regards to me. So in that case, I got the answer I was looking for, (thank you Universe, thank you).
But it got better.
As the shift went on, we continued to talk about everything and anything, as per usual – he broke down in detail what his trip would consist of if he were to end up going to Thailand. And I was so impressed, because he’s really done his research in regards to the places, the local flights, and the order in which he’d visit the cities he wanted to visit. We talked about Game of Thrones, because he’s now on the second season and so hooked, and I’m so excited for him! It was actually so much fun to re-hash old details about the show, and I’m so glad that we now have that to talk about as well. We talked about tattoos (of course), because during the week he sent me a video of his cousin’s new half-sleeve, and it’s so, so nice and I immediately fell in love.
It was of a lion, and of an eye with a person walking into the distance in the pupil. And he explained the significance of that to me – that his cousin loved Napoleon Hill’s book “Think Rich, Grow Rich” and how it tells you to view yourself in the third person (in order to maintain awareness of yourself, of your thoughts and actions). [I need to read this book!]
Oh, also! I got to ask him about the whole demo thing; I was a little worried about Marilyn giving me hours because I was afraid that I would be taking hours away from Dylan. And after the story Sera told me, the last thing I wanted to do was take hours away from anyone who needed them. I knew that no matter what happened in regards to me demoing, that I remained as honourable and honest as I could. To maintain my integrity, because that’s what’s most important to me – money means nothing when it comes to good character.
Marilyn had told me she wasn’t giving Dylan many hours because of getting his job back at the watch store, so I straight up asked him if that was the truth and if he did indeed ask for fewer hours. And it was fine, and that was the truth – he made it clear to Marilyn that his job at the watch store was his priority, and that he only wanted to work on the weekends here and there. He was appreciative of me being transparent with him though, and I in turn was relieved that I wasn’t taking hours away from him.
After that, we talked about a whole bunch of things once more; little things like him asking me if I’ve ever stolen before (I admitted I have, he told me he never has, not even once in his life). I told him about how my dad used to work on a ship, and caught a barracuda off of the side of the ship. We talked about his upcoming trip to Detroit for his dad’s birthday (he mentioned it’s in two weekends, so I’m not sure whether or not he will be here for my birthday weekend or not. We’ll see though.)
And then, here was yet another moment that I loved (and was also pretty mind-boggling). He asked me if I wanted to hear a super crazy story, and I of course enthusiastically said yes. He told me that sometime towards the end of August/beginning of September once he came back from Detroit, he had a weird dream. He had dreamt that he was in Thailand (I believe with his best friend Drew), and that he was in some kind of rainforest. But the scary part was that there were snakes everywhere! (At this point, I can already feel chills creeping up my spine but I’ll explain why in a moment).
I asked him specifically if there were snakes on the trees, or wrapping around his ankles, and he said yes. And then he explained that a couple days later, his best friend Drew called him, and told him that he had forgotten to mention something to him. He mentioned that a couple days prior, he had had a dream about being in Thailand… in a rainforest… with snakes everywhere.
So at this point, I was in complete disbelief and totally taken aback. But, I was also ridiculously shook for a whole other reason.
I told him that that was crazy, and there was something I wanted to tell him as well but that there was no way he’d believe me. And then he asked what it was, and I told him: a couple weeks ago, I HAD THE EXACT SAME FUCKING DREAM. Like detail for detail – the rainforest/jungle, the trees, the snakes everywhere. That’s why I had been asking him those detail oriented questions!!! Because I remembered my dream so vividly. And I told my mom about it the very next morning, which helped me to keep the memory of this dream in my head! But honestly, the dream itself was so real that there was no way I could forget.
We were both super shook, and started to compare details on our dreams. The only differences between them was that I was unafraid of the snakes, and he was terrified – I knew they were poisonous because of how brightly coloured they were, but I continued to shake them off of my ankles and arms. For him, he was scared because he knew they were deadly and venomous. And for me, I felt that if I stepped backwards, I would fall? As though there were a cliff behind me. That I would be stepping into nothingness.
I was so curious as to what it all meant. And I explained that I loved looking up the symbolism to dreams, and the psychology behind them. Actually, the day I had that dream, I looked up the symbolism behind lots of snakes, but I didn’t quite remember what it was. So I excitedly ran to the back of the department to look up the symbolism of the snakes.
And man, what I found was so fascinating. Basically, there’s a couple ways that snakes can be perceived in dreams, but it’s also dependent upon how you perceive the snakes themselves. Snakes can mean a fear of the unknown, or obstacles, or hidden problems that one is unaware of, or fear of lack of control. Or, they can mean growth, self-renewal, or wisdom. Even healing – venomous snakes carry the antidote to their own poisons within them!
In Naif’s case, he was afraid of the snakes. Ergo, he has a fear of the unknown, or lack of control, or has an obstacle or hidden problem that he’s dealing with. However, because the snakes were all venomous and he was aware of this fact, it meant that the “antidote”, or solution, was within the problem itself.
When I explained this to him, his eyes suddenly went… like, you know that expression you get when something clicks? He said out loud that it made sense, that it pertained to something personal that was happening, but he left it at that.
In my case, I think my dream meant that although the idea of change was rather uncomfortable for me at times (especially since I’ve been leaving my comfort zone behind in many aspects of my life) I wasn’t afraid of the changes, or of “shedding my old self” (as a snake sheds its skin). In fact, the fact that I knew the snakes were venomous did not seem to bother me at all. And also, the weird feeling I got that if I stepped backwards, that I would fall, denotes that I know I cannot “look back” – I can’t live in the past when it comes to my growth, and my new found wisdom.
After that, I explained to him how much I was fascinated with dreams, and that how even the most mundane detail in vivid dreams held some kind of significance to waking life problems; our subconscious works out most of the things we experience while we’re awake, in our dreams. I even told him how sometimes people would ask me to interpret their dreams for them (like Marilyn, or Bethany).
While I was doing the quick research, I stumbled upon a quick fact about “mutual dreaming” so I explained it to him; basically, people can purposely try to have the same dream at the same time (by like thinking about the same thing before falling asleep, being in the right state/environment). However, when spontaneous mutual dreaming occurs, it usually denotes a strong bond between the people who have the dreams.
When I said this, I was totally referring to him and his best friend. But his response?
“It makes sense then, that I’d share a dream with two special people who are so close to my heart.”
I have no idea where my head was at at this point in time, perhaps I was distracted by the flurry of customers behind us, and I don’t even know what happened next. All I remember was looking at him as he said this, with this massive smile slowly expanding on my face, before each of us got distracted by something else. I truly need to start enjoying my moments as they happen, really and truly take in what’s being said as it’s being said. Because, I’m never going to forget that, or the look on his face as he said it, or the tone of voice he used. Sigh.
I can’t even begin to explain how happy that made my heart. I’m so in awe of the universe, how when you really and truly ask for something, that it will deliver (if it’s meant to happen or you’re meant to know, of course – sometimes things need to remain mysteries, for the time being). But I asked for just a little reassurance today, and I received it tenfold.
By the end of the shift, we were still going strong, and even though I knew I had to leave soon, I honestly didn’t want to LOL. (For once).
This last conversation was yet another thing that made me really, really happy: he came over to me, and started venting to me about the drama that was going on in his jiu-jitsu gym. Apparently, the owner of the gym wanted to start charging an additional $200 dollars per person for competing in tournaments. The only way they’d get their “deposit” back per se, is if they win two tournaments. The owner wanted to make this rule as a way to wean out the people who weren’t as good, or who didn’t really train as hard as they should, so essentially like an incentive to win competitions.
But it wasn’t fair to the people who were dedicated, like Dylan. Because regardless of how hard he trains, if he didn’t win two tournaments, then he wouldn’t get that $200 dollars back, and he’s already paying a lot of money to the owner as it is, AND he’s a student. Not to mention, the owner was getting free advertising since all of his trainees wear their gym gear during comps as it is.
So Dylan was pretty upset about this new rule, especially since he’s only a student and he’s paying out of his own pocket to train at the gym. He also vented to me about how the owner appeared to be a really stingy guy, despite being a decent person overall. He told me about some stuff that happened during their New York trip, about how the owner was super intent on making sure all the bills were split evening, even though like Dylan himself didn’t drink some of the beers that his friends indulged in.
I asked him questions about it, offered some of my own insight as well as agreed with Dylan that the new rule was not fair to people like him, to which he was glad that I could see the sense in what he was saying. He said he was intending to be honest with the owner about the new rule, so I hope that that goes well for him because I know he loves training there.
This conversation made me super happy because THIS IS WHAT I’VE WANTEDDDDDD!
These are the kinds of conversations I want to have – the ones where he feels like he can vent to me, right down to the intricate details of the things that bother him or that stay on his mind. The conversations where I can truthfully offer my own insight and try to help in any way I can, or just simply listen if that’s what’s needed. Because, these are the conversations that’ll truly allow us to get to know each other better, to start really trusting in one another.
I feel so, so good. Right now, throughout this log, he was texting me and venting to me about the stress of planning his trip, and he apologized for venting. And I told him that he didn’t need to apologize, that I was happy he could talk to me about it, and that he should feel free to, whenever.
Before I talk about when my shift finished, there are some tiny details that I just want to jot down because I don’t want to forget: he randomly asked me if I collect seashells, and I told him I did, and he admitted that he did too, and I legit died. (SO. FUCKING. CUTE.) He said he doesn’t have any more now, but now I know exactly what I’m going to bring back for him when I go to the Grand Cayman Islands. Even if it’s just the tiniest little shell, I know he’ll appreciate the sentiment of it. I told him how I collect sand too and I lamented how I couldn’t take any from Hawaii (because it’s apparently illegal) and he promised that if he ended up going in February, he’d bring some back for me (d’aww.) (And, I hope he doesn’t get arrested… LOL.) Also, he told me his brother’s birthday is in two days and I was trying to help him brainstorm gift ideas since he legit left everything until the last minute (typical).
Anyways! At the end of my shift, he looked at his watch and was like “it’s six! What are you still doing here!” and I actually had no idea that time had passed by that fast, LMAO. (Honestly, I didn’t want to leaveeeeee.) So I hugged him goodbye, and told him I guessed I’d see him after I came back from the Islands. And he seemed kind of surprised? He asked when I was leaving again, and I told him it’d be next Tuesday. He wished me an “unreal” trip, and I thanked him. And I couldn’t seem to walk away, LOL. And neither did he. And he was like, “we’ll talk!” which made me smile, and I finally left to grab my stuff.
As I passed by once more to leave, he asked me if I was taking the bus, to which I replied I was getting a ride. And I don’t know why, but I get the feeling he might’ve asked me if I wanted a ride home if I had told him I was taking the bus. But oh well! I bade him goodbye once more, and with the nicest smile he said goodbye back.
*insert long, happy, drawn-out contented sigh here*.
I’m glad that the universe gave me the reassurance I was asking for. I’ve realized that it’s hard to maintain faith sometimes, when all you’ve ever known is disappointment (my past two relationships). As hard as I’m working on myself and my self-confidence, a part of me deep, deep down still thinks that this is too good to be true. But today showed me that I’m right for being patient, right for holding on as long as I have. That somehow, some way, this wait will pay off and that consequent moment will be more than worth it. Dylan is worth the wait.
Alright, that’s that! I’m happy, I’ve dwelled on this for a very long log, and so begins yet another busy week.
Because, here’s yet another thing I’ve realized in this transformative year of my life: while it’s fun (and rather addictive) to dwell on the feel-good hormone-inducing mushy crush-stuff in the first stages of a crush, it can also be dangerously consuming if you’re not aware of how much time, energy, thoughts and emotions you designate towards it. Ergo, as happy as I am, that’s that. This week, I have to focus on school, my last couple work shifts, getting my test banks/text books in order, my driver’s lessons, and spending time with my friends. So that’s where my energies, thoughts, and time are going to go towards during this week. Oh and, packing!!!! (Ahh, can’t wait!).
I must remain consciously aware of my self, my thoughts, my emotions, my persona and my energies at all times. It’s integral to my state of being and the way I perceive and experience my daily encounters. I like the idea of remaining in “third person” – it denotes that I am not my thoughts and feelings, rather I am the awareness behind it all that is ever-present, ever-watchful.
Anyways, it’s getting late now but there’s one last very important thing I wanted to add to this log, that’s going to probably make it one of the longest logs I’ve ever written in a really long time. But I have to address this, because it was a beautiful moment that I do not want to forget.
I’ve been sharing Olivias laptop lately, and I know I need to get my own, but for now she’s letting me type up my logs here. So yesterday, I opened the laptop to find that she had written to herself. Curiosity piqued, I began to read what she had written. And man. It was a true plea for help. She wrote about how sad she was, how unhappy she felt, and even sick to her stomach over what had happened with the guy from camp. How he had a girlfriend. Olivia felt guilty over the role she played, the decisions she made.
She ended off her little note with a cry to the universe: she asked the universe for a sign, that if it was listening, that she needed help. That she couldn’t do it on her own.
And this feeling overtook me. I don’t even know how or when, but I just knew what I needed to do in that exact moment. The strength and energy of the universe flowed through me, as I responded to her letter. And this is what the universe replied, (through me), to her:
Hello my friend, this is The Universe speaking. I’ve heard your plea for help and now I’m going to reply. You asked for a sign, and some answers. So, you can either take this for what it is, or choose to see it how you see it.
Life has a funny way of testing us when we least want it, expect it, or seem to need it. What we fail to understand or recognize in these moments is: these are the lessons, the hardships and adversities that peel away the layers of our “self” in order for us to truly see who we are, and what we are. So, who are YOU?
Right now, you are mad at you. You think less of you, as a result of your actions and your decisions. However, it’s also this line of thinking that will never allow you to move forward, or pick yourself up off the ground.
Right now, your morality is making your head spin in circles. The empathy you are practicing towards that girl, towards the situation, is making you feel sick.
And so, as The Universe, I ask you this: where is the empathy and compassion you are extending towards YOURSELF?
Since I’m The Universe and I can hear/see all, I know you’re currently thinking: why in the world would I deserve any compassion/empathy after what I’ve done? After the decisions I’ve made, after how selfish I’ve been?
Well. I’m here to tell you that you deserve the EXACT same compassion, empathy and FORGIVENESS, that you extend towards everyone you love and care about in your life. Even strangers! You do not really know this girl, and yet you are able to feel so deeply sorry towards her. What about YOU?
As The Universe, I have seen this time and time again. Sometimes, good people make bad decisions. They hurt other people. And then they feel very, very sorry. I’m here to tell you that this is a GOOD thing.
You are aware of what you’ve done. You’re aware of the consequences. You’re aware of the very real emotions that come with the decisions you’ve made, the actions you’ve engaged in. This awareness is important. Why? Because this awareness will allow you to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.
I know that you are mad at yourself, sorry towards the girl, somewhat drawn towards the guy. But, you are not just a “character” in this narrative, being dragged along, unable to control which way you are pulled, the things you feel, the thoughts you think.
It may not seem like it at this moment, but Olivia – YOU are the master of yourself. YOU are the captain of your thoughts, and the emotions that follow accordingly. YOU are the author of your narrative. YOU are the one who controls the direction in which your life will head towards.
Yes, you’ve made some decisions you consider bad. However, you are NOT a victim to this situation – the choice to move forward is all yours.
You say this is hard, that it is not easy, that you feel compelled to this person. You say you know what you need to do, but you seem to not be able to do it.
The only reason it’s this difficult, that you seem incapable of doing what you need to do, is because YOU are allowing yourself to feel this way. You are the one who is creating this reality for yourself, by being so consumed by it. Your emotions and thoughts are in control, dragging you along, like a dog who is walking YOU and not the other way around. Well, it’s time to get them under control. It’s time to tell those dogs to heel.
This may seem like a daunting task, but as The Universe, I can see that it really is not. There are a few simple things that need to be done, that can be done, and I will point them out to you, as you have asked. However, the choice to implement these tasks will be solely up to you.
First of all, I want you to take a deep, deep breath. Right now.
Have you? Okay good.
Now, let it out. Slowly. You’re exhaling all the negative energy of this situation, the heaviness in your chest, the ill feelings swirling around the pit of your stomach.
Now do it again.
Next – I want you to say out loud, “I forgive you”. You will know to whom you are saying this to. At first, it’ll feel like you’re saying it to him. But once you say it again, which you should, you will realize that you need to be directing this forgiveness to your SELF.
Olivia. If you do not extend the same compassion, love, forgiveness and empathy to yourself that you do to whomever may be in your life, you will never be settled with yourself. You will find yourself in more situations like this. You need to come to terms with what’s happened, be realistic and aware, take responsibility, but more than anything you need to do all of these things with a loving and compassionate heart towards YOUR SELF. Have you ever done that before? Because it’s something that needs to become your first nature, not second.
So, say it again. Go to your room even, look at yourself in the mirror and look into your own eyes. Tell yourself, “I forgive you.” Better yet, “I love you. I accept you for who you are. I will always be by your side, no matter what you may go through.”
Let these words reverberate in the air. Did you know that words have vibrations? Even healing vibrations. You’ve been giving a lot of power to your negative thoughts by giving them a voice, even if it’s felt like simple venting. Well, now it’s time to start giving power to positivity, in order to begin your healing.
Next. And this one will be a tough one, so feel free to stay on this next step as long as you need until it truly sinks in.
There is something you need to understand in totality in order to truly move forward.
You are addicted to this boy. Not the boy itself, but the idea of this boy. He made you feel wanted. There were aspects about him that appealed to you, however deeply it may have seemed.
Addictions are hard to break, and even harder to admit. No one wants to admit or confront their weaknesses. But until you accept this fact and see it for what it is, you will not be able to move forward.
One day, (and I know this because I am The All-Knowing Universe), you’re going to meet a boy who is whole. Who may still have things to learn about himself, or about this world and life, but he is whole – he is not looking to take from you, your energy, your person. But he’ll want to learn about YOU. Everything that makes you tick. Your darkest secrets, your deepest fears. He will have plenty to offer you. And one day, when you truly understand what it’s like to be in love with yourself (which you will), you will be able to offer things back without needing anything in return.
But for now? It’s time. It’s time to learn how to fall in love with yourself first, before you do with anyone else. You’ve already begun your journey with a special friend of mine that I sent out into this world long ago, Napoleon Hill. He’s very wise. You’d do well to listen to what he has to offer.
But there’s more for you out there. So much more. There’s a love so full, so pure, that it will fill up all the little cracks and holes you’ve collected along this journey called life.
You need to understand that NO ONE will be able to fill those cracks for you, but YOURSELF. For a moment, maybe it felt like that boy filled them. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t because he has too many of his own. You both tried to be something for each other, not knowing that you had your own voids. He’s going to continue on, trying to fill up all of his voids. This does NOT need to be the same story for you.
You have so much love to give, and this life has so much love to offer you, but you need to fill up your own well first before you can offer a drink to anyone else. Every single person in this life has a well of love within them. But in order to live this life as happily, wholly and beautifully as possible, that well needs to be filled with a love that is drawn from within. No one can fill that well for you.
It is easy to make self-doubt, self-loathing, self-guilt, uncertainty, and unhappiness a habit. It’s all too easy to cultivate those kinds of thoughts until they become a second nature. In order to break a habit, you must become aware of it, and start introducing a NEW habit. This new habit will be self-love. Self-compassion, self-awareness, self-forgiveness, and self-kindness.
Start in little ways. Start catching yourself when you start to think negatively towards yourself. “I wish I could have done things different, I suck”. No. Stop that thought midsentence, and say instead, “I accept the decisions I have made, and I love myself for who I am and will become. I am incredible/kind/loving/amazing.”
It will feel foreign at first, unreal. But soon, it will start to feel right. We were all born into this world with self-love. As babies, we know nothing of this world but taking care of ourselves, innocently enjoying life and all of its wondrous natures. It’s the things we encounter, experience and the way we are taught to handle them that take away this innocence from us. It’s up to us to reclaim it.
Next: yet another thing you must understand and believe in, in order to move forward.
You are not out of control. You are constantly in control, of your self and your own life. Of your decisions, and consequently of your thoughts/emotions. If you practice this habit, of selecting what thoughts/emotions you expend your energies towards, you will inevitably cultivate a healthier mind-frame.
Now, to apply this directly to your situation: you messaged him, and he didn’t reply, and you felt bad. How do you prevent this from occurring again?
Delete him. Every trace of him. Know that you owe him nothing. Know that you owe YOURSELF everything. He is not, and WILL NOT BE, your weakness. You deserve better. You LOVE YOURSELF enough to know that you deserve and accept NOTHING LESS than better.
Do it now. You have nothing to lose, truly. But, you have everything to gain – your peace of mind, a centeredness of self, the ability to move forward, and the start of your self-love chapter of life.
So, do this for you. You owe yourself this much, no matter how you may feel towards yourself in this moment. It will change. I know it will.
And so, my tasks for you in a nutshell: Breathe. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Make this love a habit, fill up your empty well. Let go. Take responsibility. Take control of your narrative, and you will take control of your life. You are not a victim to this situation. You are an architect. What has happened has happened, but you do not need to linger in this situation. You can, and will, move forward. You are the ultimate master of your fate, and the captain of your soul. Erase every trace of this person from your life, and allow yourself the opportunity to move on. You are worth this level of self-love. You are worth so much more than you know now. But, you will know. You will learn.
It is time for me to go, but there is one last thing I would like for you to understand about me, The Universe.
I will always be here, by your side Olivia. Maybe it didn’t feel that way while all of this was happening. But I was. As the Universe, I can only do so much, but more than anything, I want each and every soul I’ve created to live the life that was meant for them. To learn the things they are meant to learn. I can promise you that there is so much good that is headed your way in this life. I can promise you that I will work alongside you to manifest this good. But you must learn to take your life into your hands. Only then can I truly help you.
Everything is going to be okay. Better yet, it’s going to be amazing. Have faith. Have hope. Stay positive. Don’t let your thoughts and emotions rule your life. Your life is your own, given to you as a precious gift, made of the same forces and magic that created the stars, the sun and the moon. You have all of the same within you. Remember this.
With loving kindness,
It wasn’t me, honestly. I truly believe this universe wrote this. And it makes me happy, because in a way, it was telling me all of this too. It was the summation of everything I’ve learnt in this year. It was beautiful.
And it made Olivia cry, and it made her happy, and I think it might have helped her to heal a crack or two on her own. Which in turn makes me very, very happy.
I hope she always goes back to this when she needs a little push from the universe. I hope that everyone is open to the messages that the universe sends us – when we ask for it, it WILL be given. We just need to be open to the way the message will be sent and received.
My soul and my heart are happy. I, am happy.
I’m looking forward to all the blessings, opportunities and growth that this upcoming week has to offer me. I am thankful for this day that I got to live through, and experience.
Thank you, Universe. Truly.
Love always and all around,