Day 261 to 266 – September 18th – 23rd, 2017

Hello, hello! Gee, I haven’t written in about a week! And it’s okay, it’s been busy. I’ve had lots of class, and today was finally my last shift at my regular job. Once I come back, I shall officially start as a demo! Yay!

I just deleted all of my coworkers off of Instagram, LOL. It’s just best this way, that no one know what’s going on in my life unless I choose to let them know. I love them all, but I have to learn how to keep my personal life personal, and my professional life separate. Those lines get easily blurred sometimes but this is a business, and I’d do well to remember that.

So, that’s that! And pretty much day after tomorrow, I’ll be leaving to the Cayman Islands! Holy crap, I can’t wait! I’m so, so excited.

I’ve been sitting here for a little while in the silence, just thinking, browsing on my phone, killing time. I’d love to talk about this week, how lovely it was to hang out with Leila, how great school was, how crazy my second driver’s lesson was, how Dylan and I were texting pretty much all week, meeting up with Bianca and Bethany and how much fun that was, but. I’m in some dire need of venting, and I’m off tomorrow, so I’ll have plenty of time to write about those things. But for now, I just need to vent.

Yesterday, Nick messaged me for a little bit, and ended up asking me if I had met anyone, out of the blue. I told him I kind of have, and I talked a little bit about Dylan. And then he talked about his new girl, the girl that he met while running, because they’ve begun seeing each other. And while the conversation was surreal, it was basic enough that it wasn’t crossing into like, weird territory. I felt fine – honestly, I didn’t feel any ways about him having met someone new, if anything I genuinely felt happy for him, and I still am! That’s all I wanted for him, for him to be happy and move on.

But today. He messaged again, and this time with a very specific scenario in which he and his new girl ran into one of her exes and it was weird for her, which in turn became weird for him, and he asked me for my input on it.

I get it. I’m probably one of his only friends who is a girl (and someone he trusts), but the thing is. I’m not just a friend who is a girl. I also used to be his girlfriend. Therein lies the problem with this situation.

It’d be fine if we were just friends, and had always been friends. But we dated. We were in love with each other, and we went our separate ways. I’m fine with our “friendship” being limited to once-in-a-while friendly catch-ups out of courtesy, purely platonic with not much detail. But this?

I don’t know. It made me feel… muddled. And not in a jealous way, not in a heart-ache way, not any of those ways, and I’m glad. I know I’ve finally moved on.

I talked with Natasha, and I figured out it’s because I was comfortable with our friendship because it signalled ending on good terms, but I don’t actually want the effort that a real friendship entails – I don’t want to talk often, I don’t want to talk in that much depth, and I don’t want to know these kinds of intricate details.

And again, being completely honest with myself, I know I don’t have feelings for him like that anymore. But I also don’t want to be like, “best friends” the way we once were either. I don’t particularly care if that’s selfish and I’m not going to let myself feel bad for feeling the way I feel – I would love to help and be there for anyone I care about in my life, I know that about me.

But I also feel like we’ve naturally drifted apart, even friendship-wise, and we’ve entered acquaintanceship and I was totally okay with that because that meant I could wish him well from afar without having him directly in my life. No hard feelings, good terms, but nothing more than that either.

I have carefully cultivated what I want my life to look like within this year. I have selected which relationships of mine that I would like to expend my energies towards, and as a result I’ve been able to improve the quality of these relationships, be it family, or friendship, or more (in regards to Dylan).

I don’t think I have the energy to go any further than that. As much as I would like to be Nick’s friend and be there for him about this, I really don’t think that I should be the person that he turns to about his new relationship. I don’t think I can be.

My gut is telling me that once he becomes more comfortable with his new relationship and starts accepting that he has real, genuine feelings for this girl, then eventually we’ll go back to our (friendly) silence, and our acquaintanceship-level of things (where we only talk like once a month and briefly, about how things are going).

I accept every single aspect of my past and the person it has molded me into today. But, I would also like to leave the past in the past because I am so in love with my present and the current state of the way my life looks right now. I’m content with myself, and I am happy with every aspect that my life entails. And, that just doesn’t include him, not anymore. And it has to stay that way.

It’s not personal, it’s not out of resentment, or coming from a place of ill-will. It’s coming from a place of acceptance and wisdom and the knowledge that I can only move forward and he no longer has a place in my life like he once did, and that’s just the way things have to be. We have to keep walking in our separate directions.

I feel better now, acknowledging my truth to myself. Eventually, the talking will die down. I appreciate him asking about Dylan, and I hope that he learns to open up to this lovely new girl of his, and let her in. She truly seems like a gem, someone who will encourage him to live his life to the fullest, to adventure and make the most of every moment, and everyone needs someone like that. I truly am happy for him and I wish them both well.

Anyways, that’s about all I wanted to vent about! I just had to make sense of my muddled feelings about this, and be honest with me. It was just a weird situation to find myself in, at first. Definitely new territory, and unchartered waters. But you know, I think I’ve been doing pretty well with the navigating, if I do say so myself!

I’ll write tomorrow in more depth about my past week, and what I’m looking forward to this upcoming week (which is my vacation, ahh!!)

Until then,

Love always,

Me.

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