Day 280 + 281 – October 7th & 8th, 2017

Hello, hello! Happy Thanksgiving weekend! While it’s a great time to be thankful for all the blessings we’ve received, being grateful should not be a feeling solely reserved for this day (especially since tons of thousands of Aboriginal people were probably killed around this time, for their land). Nevertheless, I do love Thanksgiving (mostly because of the pumpkin pie and the turkey, hehe) so I’m looking forward to our annual Thanksgiving dinner. Although I do admit, I’m assuming it’s going to be a little bit more quiet this year seeing as my family is currently not in its best state right now.

So weird to think that this time last year, Nick was having Thanksgiving dinner with us as a family. And two years before that, during this time, I was still reeling from finding out he had cheated on me (I found out the morning of October 7th, 2015). And now, I don’t feel anything towards him at all except friendly respect. It’s amazing what a year’s worth of events can bring about.

Anyways! I’m off from work today and tomorrow so I’m looking forward to being at home and getting some work done. I have to print out my test banks and get started on studying for my Psych midterm this week, and I also have an assignment due for my Disasters in History class! Oh man, is it weird that I’m actually looking forward to studying and doing homework? LOL. I love, love school. I always will.

Alright, I’m too excited and I think I’ve held back long enough but I have to HAVE TO talk about yesterday’s shift!

So yesterday, as soon as I walked right into the department, by some coincidence I ended up running smack dab into Dylan! And for once, I actually got to witness his reaction to seeing me with no distractions since no one was around, and man – that smile he got. It made my heart skip a beat and I smiled back and said hello in the exact same way. I gave him a huge hug, and he told me he’d been thinking of messaging me to ask if I was coming in today (aw). And then right off the bat, he asked how everything was at home, which kind of threw me for a loop because I didn’t quite know where to start LMAO. I kind of was like, “um…” and he immediately picked up on the fact that that was a dense question, so he smiled at me reassuringly and said, “we’ll talk”, and I agreed.

As I walked away, I turned around to walk backwards to tell him to remind me to give him something really cool that I found for him in Grand Cayman, and he said he would. (Set up the curiosity early on in the shift, all a part of my master plan, muahaha). [Just kidding, I don’t actually have a master plan. I have no idea what I’m doing LMFAO].

Anyways, throughout the shift I couldn’t really talk to anyone, let alone him, because Maria was keeping a very close eye on me and also telling me where to stand, and also to approach more customers, and so much more. I was actually lowkey getting a little stressed out because I could legit feel her WATCHING me; like, I could feel her eyes on my back, and it was causing me stress LOL.

At one point, Sera came out of the department to talk to me a little, and we talked about how much anxiety that was causing me, and she asked me if I wanted to consider jumping ship after Christmas and joining her and Luna, because there would be more hours come January for her to share with me, and Sera herself said she didn’t want to work that many hours. I may consider it, depending on how the rest of this season goes. I don’t want to come into work and feel stressed that someone is watching how I work, the quality of my work, and whether or not I’m doing my job the entirety of my shift.

I know I can sell. I know I can. I’m good at it when I want to be, because I like talking to people and I genuinely enjoy what I do. I don’t need someone breathing down my back just because I may not be as strong as the other demos are. Sigh. I love this job, but I don’t want it to become a burden to me. I’ve always loved coming into work because I know it’s equal parts work, but also equal parts getting to interact with the people I’ve come to know and love.

But yesterday, I felt so isolated and so far out in the department because I knew Maria was watching me and I couldn’t go where the associates were to talk to them.

We’ll see how things go. Towards the rest of my shift, I actually started selling quite well so Maria laid off a bit. But I can’t have every shift I work with her be like that, I’ll go crazy LOL. I may have to say something if it continues that way.

Anyways, regardless of me trying to keep my distance from the department, Dylan found his way to where I was to talk to me, which was really cute. He apologized for jumping right into asking me about my family when we were saying hi, and I said it was totally okay! In fact, I appreciated how much he cared; it really meant a lot to me.

He asked how things were going with my dad, my mom, and my sister individually. I explained that things were kind of weird with my dad – this weekend was the first time in a while that we actually interacted much, since he’d been working both jobs all week and I hadn’t seen him much. Like he had given me a ride to work and was talking the whole way, and I was trying to participate, but it was a little difficult for me. I told Dylan that I was trying my best to remain positive about the whole situation, and to keep up with my dad, make sure my mom was okay, as well as Olivia. And he offered some of his own insight, once again astounding me with how ridiculously mature he is.

I wish I could have expressed more how much I appreciated him being so concerned about my family and I, but I’m sure I’ll get the chance another time. It really does mean the world to me that he cares; his compassion was one of the first things about him that really got me.

After that, he would pace around near where I was, so we got to interact here and there briefly. There was this one moment that was so cute – he had been talking to one of our demo-friends, and then he came over to me to excitedly tell me that she and her boyfriend had gone to the Korean bar that he and I went to for our first date! And then we reminisced together over how good my citrus-soju mojito was, and how good his bourbon drink was, and I told him I definitely want to go back one day because the food was so good.

Right that moment, I heard Maria calling me, and I turned to look at her, and she was gesturing exasperatedly at me to go interact with and recruit customers. I sighed, and told him that I had to go, and he looked so confused LMAO.

I ended up explaining to him that Maria had been on my case quite a bit during the shift and that it was driving me crazy, and then he admitted that he had noticed it a bit too.

Side note: Luna just gave me a call right now while we were turkey-hunting last minute in No Frills, and she said something that rang true. As much as it annoys me to have Maria on my case, she does mean well and I know she wants to see me excel so that she can justify giving me as many hours as she has. I get it. She pushes me because that’s how hard she pushes herself, and it shows in her numbers. If anything, if she hadn’t of pushed me as hard as she did yesterday, maybe I wouldn’t have made as many sales as I had. And, she got me this position after fighting hard for me, and I know it wasn’t easy – not everyone gets to make the transition from associate to demo as easily as I did. I’m very lucky, and I do need to keep that in perspective and practice a little more patience towards Maria. As well as humility, and gratitude. Thanks Universe! You always find a way to get through to me.

Anyways, now for the moment that I was most excited about. At the end of Dylan’s shift, he came over to me and reminded me to about the gift, so I excitedly led him to the back of the department to give it to him.

As I was taking it out of my bag I explained that it was a small token, and I explained the significance behind it. I told him that before I left that we’d had a conversation about sharks and shark’s teeth and how cool it’d be to find an authentic shark’s tooth on any of our travels. And then, I gave him the little case of fossilized sharks teeth and stingray spines and explained that there was a little guide inside that would relate each item to what animal it belonged to.

HIS REACTION MELTED MY SOULLLL. His eyes immediately lit up and he exclaimed excitedly, “I LOVE this kind of stuff!!!!!” And then I was like, there’s more! And then I explained how shortly after that conversation, he’d asked me if I collect seashells and said he used to as well, but mentioned he no longer had any of his own. And then I pulled out the little bag of seashells I collected and explained that the ones in Grand Cayman I had found were bigger than any I had ever seen, so I wanted him to have some as a reminder to enjoy the little things.

I couldn’t help but smile at him as he looked at them in awe. And then when he looked at me?

It was that look. That same look that made my heart skip a hundred beats about a year ago, when I walked into the department and he asked me where I came from, and told me that people like me were rare and hard to find. That same look that he gave me when we were in his car together when he was about to take me to the hospital, and I looked at him to thank him sincerely. The look that made me feel like I was the only girl he could see, the look that made me feel truly and deeply appreciated for everything I was.

He said I was “awesome” (which still makes me smile when I think about it, he’s so fucking cute), and thanked me sincerely, and I walked around the counter to give him a warm hug goodbye. (Right in the moment that Anna and Nousha were walking into the house, gazing at us curiously, oops).

Once he said bye to everyone, he came back to give me another hug goodbye, and mentioned that anything that comes from the ocean, he loves. And I told him that I was really happy he liked his gifts, and to have fun at the hockey game (he went to the home opener last night).

He left them in the department because he didn’t want to carry them around with him in downtown, and left them in Luna’s house so that his mom could take them home with her later. And he showed them to Luna, and she couldn’t help but mention how “beautiful I looked collecting them on the beach”, LMFAO. She honestly kills me.

I mentioned to Sera that I had gotten something small for Dylan and to remember to take them home because I wasn’t sure if she had run into Luna, and Sera was like, “awwwwwwwwwwww”. Hehe. I think she was really impressed (yay!)

Anyways, I think that little thoughtful gift really struck a chord with him, and I’m happy. He seems like the kind of guy who appreciates small thoughtful gestures, and I knew I was right about the fact that he’d like the little package of sharks teeth and stingray spines! He’s so knowledgeable and curious by nature, so I just had a feeling. I’m glad that my intuition is leading me on the right path.

I still can’t get over that look. I can’t stop thinking about it. And that smile of his that comes along with it. Sigh. I never want to stop experiencing those eyes, that amazing smile.

I HAVE IT SO BAD AND I DON’T EVEN CARE LMFAOAOAOAO.

I don’t know what’s going to happen and at this point, I don’t even care if it ends up that he’s not meant to be with me. I’m so, so happy getting to know him like this, working with him when I can, and knowing that we’re going to have more moments to spend time with one another because he genuinely wants to, and so do I. I love this feeling of knowing that I’m not holding back anymore because I’m just not afraid of pain. I’d rather live a life full of love and passion wholeheartedly, than a half-life lived holding back because of fear. I love having this amazing patience towards him, knowing that someone like him is worth this wait. I don’t need anything more than this, right now.

Well, that’s all for today! I’m so excited for this entire month, there’s so much to look forward to! Leila’s birthday is coming up this weekend and I can’t wait to see her because I’ve missed her terribly, and I can’t wait to celebrate her birthday with her! And then my own birthday is in ten days from today, and then I’ll be celebrating that with all of my favourite people too. And then there’s Halloween! So much to look forward to.

I think we’re actually going to be spending Thanksgiving with the rest of our extended family tomorrow, so now I’m doubly excited!

I’m always thankful. I promise to always be grateful for every one of my blessings, including the hard moments. Because without those moments, how could I ever fully appreciate the good?

Thank you, Universe. Thank you.

Love always,

Me.

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