It’s been an amazing past two days in lots of different ways and I’m definitely going to talk about it, but I guess I just wanted to take this moment to acknowledge that I’m feeling that “muddled” feeling again. I know it stems from my anxiety and I’m taking steps and measures to both address and assuage the feeling, but I do feel that I need to acknowledge that it’s there, for multiple reasons.
However, on a more positive note, I’m meeting with my counselor tomorrow so I’m really, really looking forward to that. I think I’ll talk about these past two days and then I’ll address what I think is making me feel muddled.
So yesterday was our Thanksgiving festivities with our families and it was such an amazing day! We had an early lunch and then we spontaneously decided that we wanted to adventure (since some of us are now g2 certified, we can be free!!!! Man I need to get back on my lessons LOL).
We ended up driving out to Caledon, and found this absolutely stunning hiking trail that ended at a waterfall. And even though it was barricaded off, some of us managed to slip past the barricade (albeit illegally and dangerously) to climb closer to the waterfall. But it was so, so worth it – we got close enough to the waterfall to practically be behind it, to feel the spray of the cold water and hear the roar of it cascading down into the river, first hand. It was such a rush, and I truly live for that kind of spontaneity and adventure.
And oh man, when the sun began to set. The last golden rays of the sun illuminated all the brilliant colours of the changing leaves. It was breath-taking. I love fall so much.
All in all, it was such an amazing time and an incredible Thanksgiving spent with some of the people I love the most, my family.
And then today! I had my midterm and it was actually quite fun LOL. And I had some really good conversations with some strangers, both at York and on the bus that totally made my day. One conversation was very introspective and also about the nature of conversation itself (the social “structure” of it all, which takes away from any potential for authenticity). And then I met an older lady on the bus whom I offered a seat to, who was so happy about that small act of kindness that it led to a conversation that lasted my whole way home.
And then Aakaash snapchatted me about quitting from his job, and that led to yet another motivating and positive conversation – I told him to hold onto that motivation and to fuel it into a fire that never goes out. And he asked what changed this year (because I mentioned that this year, I’ve had more motivation and drive than I’ve had in the past six years) and I got to high-light some of the major changes I’ve introduced into my life.
Like getting into counselling, changing my destructive thinking habits, reading some incredibly enlightening books that made me become aware of myself and conscious of how I think, feel and act, realizing I needed to work on myself and consequently ending my relationship, and pretty much spending the duration of this year re-wiring myself and the way I perceive things.
I really have come so far, and this truly is the longest I’ve been able to hold onto this motivation and really nurture it. And I realized, it all stemmed from the greatest change of all that I implemented this year: loving myself.
The moment I chose to fall in love with myself this year was the moment I filled up my inner well; I created an ever-flowing source of energy that I can continuously draw from. Self-love was the catalyst for so much more self-oriented good: self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, self-compassion, patience towards myself, and so much more.
It’s been a good year.
Anyways, I have to draw this to a close because I have a report to write up for one of my classes. But before I go, my muddled-ness.
I’m worried about a lot of things. I’m worried about my mom – I know she doesn’t really want to see a counselor, but I keep insisting to her that she needs to because seeing a professional is definitely something that I feel is long overdue. And I really want to be patient towards her, and I know Olivia does too, but there’s only so many times that either of us can hear her casually say “I want to kill myself” before it takes its toll. I told her that today, and she said tomorrow she’s going to talk to her doctor again to get started on seeing someone on an individual basis (she really doesn’t want to do marriage counselling, and at this point I don’t blame her).
I’m worried about my dad, but I’m more than just worried about him though. I’m also sick to my stomach, resentful, anxious, and at the same time, trying to be understanding of his perspective as well. I know he’s sick, I know it’s partially not his fault. But oh god. It’s so hard to stay sympathetic. It’s so, so hard. I know he doesn’t choose to be a compulsive gambler, an addict. I know he loves us all more than anything. I know I wish I could be in his shoes and understand his thought-processes and the way his demons torture him to make the decisions he does. I’m sure that deep down he thinks that winning a shit-ton of money would be for all of us, not just for him. Somewhere deep down, these decisions aren’t all selfish.
I know all of these things. But I still can’t help the way I feel. I guess it’s because I’m only human.
And lastly but most importantly, I’m worried about Olivia. I know these things that happen with our family hit her a lot harder than she lets on. I know that the way she copes with these things can be quite self-destructive to her mental health, because she usually chooses avoidance or denial until it all catches up in some other form. On the brighter side, she’s been very honest and communicative with me, so that’s good. But still, I worry. I just want her to be okay. I want her to be on this path of self-love too, and I know she’s not quite there yet, but I really want to help her along. I know she’s on her own journey and things will happen as they’re meant to. I’ll be there for her every step of the way, but she’s going to have to learn things for herself, and I know that.
Despite all of my worry, I know that everything’s going to be okay eventually. We’ve been hit a lot harder than this before, and we’ve managed to get back up. Right now, it’s not as bad as it could have been, or was before. Maybe because we’re used to it at this point? I’m not quite sure.
I don’t know what’s in store for the long-term. I need my mom to be happy, to live her life fully, but I’m not quite sure if that includes my dad or not. We’re going to have to see as time goes on.
Anyways, my anxiety is back. Not as bad as it was before now that I know how to cope with it a little better, but it’s there. I feel it on the bus going back home as I listen to music, or when I’m walking through the halls at York. Now, I can remember to breathe deeply and try to let it go, or acknowledge that it’s there and try to figure out why. I even sat outside for a little bit today with my incense and read an excerpt from Awakening the Buddha Within, which helped to assuage the anxiety for a little.
It’s not as bad as it used to be though, and I’m going to keep focusing on that bright side to help me deal with this. Eventually it’ll become a distant memory again, as things settle down. It’s just a busy week, and it’s tough to be at home sometimes with the cascading swirls of energy that everyone has right now. I just need to keep checking-up on myself and making sure to take little moments to re-center myself, no matter what that takes.
I’m not panicked or unhappy, the way I would have been in the past. I can acknowledge how I feel as though it’s a passenger on a bus I’m on – it’s going to get off soon, it’s not driving the bus because I am.
So that’s the majority and the brunt of my muddled thoughts and feelings. Although, here’s a little side-thing that’s looping around the back of my mind too, albeit on a lesser scale.
Late Sunday night, Dylan sent me this amazing podcast to listen to which was super enlightening and very thought-provoking. Not to mention, I was so, so incredibly impressed about the fact that he listens to podcasts like this – both of the people in the podcast were extremely wise, knowledgeable and woke as hell about society and thoughts and so much more. Also, the podcast covered addictions and recovery, which in turn meant a lot to me that he had thought of me to recommend it to.
We’ve sort of been texting here and there since, but it’s provoked a series of thoughts in my head that I need to address.
I already said I’m in no rush, and I meant that. I really do feel this incredible sense of patience towards him, towards this situation. I know he’s the kind of guy who’s worth the wait, and I have no problem re-iterating this to myself as many times as need be.
Twice now, he’s suggested different opportunities to hang out – once a couple weeks ago when he said he’d take me for sushi at that small, family-run restaurant that he and his brother stumbled across, and once quite recently when he said he’d be down to go axe-throwing with me. And that’s great, I’m so incredibly happy that he definitely wants to create another opportunity for us to get to continue to get to know each other, outside of work.
So why haven’t either of these things actually manifested yet, in any way, shape, or form? Or any plans, for that matter?
I feel bad asking this at all. Because, I could easily text him and ask him when he’s free for either, and we could go from there. I know that.
But, is it wrong of me to want him to do the initiating?
I know that this whole entire thing does not need to be as complicated as I’m making it out to be in my head. I get caught up in my thoughts time to time (although a lot less than I used to, as of late – go me!) but still.
If I’m being straight up with myself, I guess I just want some form of reassurance, which in turn worries me about me. Why do I need assurance? Assurance about what exactly? Is my faith in the universe and in this beginning to waver again?
Here’s the answers I’m getting when I ask myself those questions: yes, I still have faith in the universe and I’m still in no rush, nor am I losing patience. All that is good and solid. In regards to reassurance however…
I don’t need him to tell me how he feels about me (although it’d be nice to know, I’ll admit). I’m curious, but I also understand that it’s only been a little over two months since I told him how I feel, and we’ve only gone on two dates since. That’s not a lot to go on.
To put it simply (dammit brain, just spit it out!), I just want to make sure I’m on a two-way street of effort and that it’s not just me. There, I said it.
Because, I know I like him. I know how I feel about him. I know that I would love to continue to get to know him, and ultimately I know what I would like this to lead to (if all goes well and we are compatible and he does end up feeling the same way).
So yes, while I don’t need him to tell me how he feels or that he likes me or anything of that sort because I’m willing to wait for those moments to manifest (if they will), I would kind of like for him to actually take the initiative and plan something out, or at least ask me when I’m free, to show me that I’m not the only one who’s this interested and invested in whatever this could be.
^ that! That’s what I’ve been trying to say. I don’t want to be as invested as I am, like an 80/20 split kind of thing, if I’m the only one who’s like that. I’d even be okay with like 60/40 for now because I’m the one who got to this place first and I’m well aware it’s going to take him some time to let me in (if he ever does choose to).
It’s just that me being only human, I can’t help but wonder, you know? Wonder things like, how does he feel about me? I know two dates in two months isn’t a lot, but there was more to it than that I’m sure. Like, he liked the book that I recommended to him, “Who Says You Can’t Do”, so much so that he bought it himself to finish off and have for himself. I confided in him about my family and he in turn sent me a podcast about something that directly applied to that situation, which meant the world to me. We share thoughts and ideas and the quality of our conversations are so incredible that that’s attractive to me. The intellect between us is so stimulating that it makes me want more, so badly.
But does he? Is he attracted to me in ANY of the ways that I’m attracted to him, at all!? Because if he is, he’s REALLY good at playing it off and now I’m the one who has no idea whatsoever.
I know Teresa told Mary that he “adores me” and “thinks very highly of me”. I’m super fond of him too; I love that he can make me laugh and that he can confide in me about certain things as well. I love how wise he is, and compassionate, and his maturity never ceases to astound me.
But I want to know about that temper that I can see lurking just beneath the surface there, when his eyes get all stormy and his face turns somber. I want to know why he called his dad an “idiot” when he was giving me a ride home, when I was venting to him about my own.
I want to know why he turned to jiu-jitsu, what about it appealed to him and why he has such a burning passion towards it, what he loves about it. I want to know why he never ended up with his best friend Jenn of like sixteen years, or if they did give it a shot, why it never worked out. I want to know what keeps him up at night, or what he’s most afraid of. Or what he’s most proud of that he’s accomplished.
There’s so much I wonder, so much I want to know.
I guess these things I wonder are just another matter and measure of my patience. Sigh.
Time will reveal all. I know we’re both super busy, and maybe that’s why these suggestions of his haven’t manifested. He’s now got two jobs of his own to focus on, and he’ll pretty much be working full-time come November, not to mention school and jiu-jitsu practice and tournaments on top of all of that. He’s ridiculously busy actually. So, I get it. I couldn’t imagine finding a moment to breathe with all of that, let alone a moment to pencil in a date.
I guess it’s that fact alone that makes me wish he would try. Even the slightest effort to mention to me when he’d be free would mean the world to me. But I guess I’ll never know unless I ask myself. And I will, if he doesn’t say so himself eventually. I already said I’m not giving up until/unless I know this isn’t meant for me, and I’m going to stick with that, and I’m also in no rush and quite busy myself, so. Time, time, time, a thief, a gift-giver, the apprehender of all things past, present and to come. Ou, there’s this old song quote from Billie Holiday that that reminds me of that I’ve always loved: “Time is so old and love is brief; but love is pure gold and time is a thief.”
So for now, I shall continue to busy myself with both school and work. Things will happen as they’re meant to, when they’re meant to, and my faith in that shall never, ever waver, that’s one thing that is guaranteed.
Anyways, back to that report I must get to. Tomorrow shall be a good day, and rest of this week shall be equally as amazing. Can’t wait to write about it all! Until next time,