Day 292, 293, 294, 295 – October 19th – 22nd, 2017

I’m back! I was starting to feel weird without writing for so long.

Oh man. I feel like I’ve been writing so infrequently that I’m no longer updated with MY OWN LIFE. How is that possible? Like, where am I at, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually? What have I been up to lately? How’s this month been going for me?

Another thing! The third of this month was supposed to be the 9 month check-in on my thoughts/feelings about breaking up with Nick! Wow, time flies.

Okay so, what I’m going to do for this log is literally check-in with myself, see how I’m doing and answer all of those questions. Then I’ll do a brief version for the 9 month post-break up check in. Or we’ll see how I feel by the end of this log, who knows. But, me first, (of course).

So, let’s see. Where am I at, mentally?

I’ve been pretty good! I saw my counselor I think last week, if I recall correctly, and I was supposed to see her again this past Friday but I postponed our appointment indefinitely for now because my anxiety has receded greatly now that I’ve taken up meditating once more. This ties into physically because, I’ve also taken her advice and started waking up earlier to work out first thing in the morning, and I feel like that’s also helped a lot with my mental well-being as well.

Spiritually, reading that book “Awakening the Buddha Within” has been really, really satisfying my spiritual soul. I forgot to mention in that last log before I turned 25, that on October 16th, Olivia and I went and got tattoos! I got a lotus flower in the “center of my being” (just under my boobs, center of my rib cages). The lotus flower is to remind me to always remain centered, and that anyone can rise out of adversity to face the light, the way that lotus flowers grow up and out of mud and water to face the sunlight.

Olivia got “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul” on each forearm, quotes directly from the powerful Invictus poem. I love that she’s growing into the person she’s becoming in such a beautiful way. I know she’s still struggling in different aspects, but she’s trying too. I have faith that she will find her way, the same way that I did, but she’s got to want it and do it for herself, not even for me.

Emotionally, I’ve been battling these weird “low” feelings that I keep getting from time to time. I wonder if it stems from my anxiety? I’m not too sure. But the meditations and reading and keeping busy has been helping me. I choose to not feel “low”, I choose to be happy, and I actively recognize when I feel that way and try to counter it. My mind is my most powerful weapon and I am fully aware that I have every power to change and choose my circumstances. I will choose happiness, every day, and in every way that I can.

Which leads me to: what have I been up to lately? Well! I just had my bowling birthday party last night, (Saturday the 21st). It was so, so much fun! Everyone seemed to get along really well and there were people from all aspects of my life: family, friends, and coworkers! Ultimately though, everyone is friend and family to me. I felt so carefree, and my heart was content. I hope everyone had fun too. I got pretty darn drunk LMAO. But I enjoyed every bit of it (from what I can remember). And it was so nice to see Adelaide and Krystal again! I really like their energy. After bowling, me, Leila, Avery, Cory, Krystal and Adelaide ended up at Moxie’s for a while, just talking and catching up. It was honestly the perfect night, and everything happened exactly as it was meant to.

Chloe ended up bailing last second because she said she “wasn’t feeling well”. But then today, (Sunday), she posted a picture of her walk through the woods. I had already had a hunch she bailed because she didn’t want to come, but that post just confirmed what I already knew.

Honestly, things have been becoming what they are for a couple months now. I didn’t feel any ways about her not attending – to be very honest, I was actually kind of relieved because I knew that Avery would be more at ease as a result. And, it just revealed more about what our friendship has become; I don’t know for sure that she didn’t attend because she didn’t want to face Avery. But, there’s a pretty big chance that that’s what it was. And even though Avery was probably pretty nervous to be seeing her again after all that time, he still came through for me regardless. She chose not to. Actions will always speak so much louder than words ever can. Either way, it is what it is! No hard feelings. Life just works out the way that it does, and I’ve learned to accept that.

Overall, my birthday this year was fantastic. I definitely had a lot of fun ringing in twenty-five! And I’m so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by so much love, I truly am.

So, I’d say this month is going pretty well for me! I’ve always loved October. Right now, the weather has been absolutely stunning, in the 20’s with a slight breeze. I’ve been trying to sit outside when I can, and soak up as much vitamin D as possible while the sun is still warm and beaming.

I’m not too sure what’s going to happen for Halloween but I’m hoping something will transpire because I would hate to not celebrate it this year. Halloween is my favourite holiday! It would be way, way too adult-y for me to not be able to dress up. I’m not ready to let that tradition die out just yet, LOL.

What else do I want to update about? Hmm.

Ah, school. I need to start going to the library and getting into a school state of mind. I got through my midterms but exams are just around the corner, alongside some major assignments. I really like my classes, so it shouldn’t be difficult for me to keep up! I love learning, I always have. I just need to stay vigilant about my habits and know when I’m falling behind. On the bright side, I haven’t lost any of that school-oriented motivation, so that makes me happy.

And work! Being a demo has been so, so great. I’ve been getting stronger in sales, a little bit more aggressive but in a nice, professional way. I know that other people are noticing it too, but I think I’ve built up my character and reputation in that department in a way that I know (and hope) that people will still respect me, despite me becoming a little bit more assertive when it comes to grabbing customers.

Maria is really happy, so that makes me happy. I really wanted to prove to her that she made the right choice in helping me get this promotion. It’s going to make a world of a difference when Christmas season officially begins and I start getting full time hours. Oh man, I can’t wait.

Speaking of work, onto things with Dylan!

I think a couple logs ago, I was starting to falter on patience again. But once again, I’m back at being content with the pace of things, LMAO.

This is so, so different than anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone, ever before. I’m in new territory, trying to map out unchartered waters.

It’s been about three months since I’ve told him how I’ve felt. Flew by, honestly! So here’s what’s been happening in the past week or so:

He texted me a day early to wish me Happy Birthday (LOL, so cute) which is funny because we had had that conversation about a week or two earlier, about how Eminem’s birthday was the 17th and mine was the 18th. And then he ended up wishing me again on the day of, which was nice. It also led into a bit of a conversation; he asked what I did during the day, I asked how his work dinner went, which led to him asking me about how my family was doing (so considerate).

I gave him a brief rundown over how everyone was doing individually: how my mom seemed to be getting a little stronger, how Olivia appeared to be coping a little better, how that second job was kicking my dad’s ass but he was still pushing through either way.

He ended up saying that he could definitely relate to how my sister and I felt, and that he would be there if I ever needed him (so sweet).

But that immediately piqued my curiosity – why did he feel he could relate? In what ways? I know Sera has told me what happened between her and her ex-husband so I have a brief idea of what he could be talking about. But, I want to hear his perspective on things – his own personal experiences, what he took from them, how it shaped the way he sees things now.

I didn’t want to ask him through text (especially at the risk of sounding like I was questioning him in a passive-aggressive way, like “what could you possibly know about what Olivia and I are going through?”) So, I kept it simple but sincere and told him I would love to know more on why he felt he could relate, one day.

I wanted him to know that I really do want to get to know him better, but also that I was in no rush. I get it – we’re very different in the ways we relate to the world (or so it seems at this moment). I’m an open book; I have no attachments to my past, the pain I’ve endured or experienced, and I don’t mind sharing these things with people because it teaches them about me as a person. But from what I’ve gathered thus far, he doesn’t seem to let people in very easily. And despite having met almost a year and a half ago, I’m sure he still doesn’t know me as well as he’d like to, and vice versa. He seems to be the kind of person who only lets people in when he’s decided they’re worthy of his trust, his vulnerabilities. And that’s fine! It just goes to show that he’s smart (and cautious) about how he invests his energy in people.

Anyways, his reply made me pretty happy (with a couple grains of salt however, I’ll go into that soon). He said that I would (know more about why), and that we should get together soon so that he could explain.

At first, I was elated. Finally, it seemed that he had decided that he would let me in, to some degree! I told him that I would love that, and that if anything he should let me know when he was free when he got back from his tournament in Detroit (which was this weekend).

Before I get into the grains of salt – he won bronze at his tournament!!!! When Sera got into work, she immediately let me know that he had won his first two fights and was advancing into his finals, and I was so, so happy to hear. I helped her download WhatsApp into her phone so that she could watch the videos of his fights, and she in turn allowed me to watch alongside her and, holy crap. The utter technique to it all. It was so interesting to watch! (Not to mention, ridiculously hot – he’s so, so good. Sigh.)

There was this one point during his second fight that is neck was bent at the most unnatural angle as his opponent had him in a hold against the ground, and I literally almost closed my eyes LMAO. I couldn’t help but ask Sera how she could watch! It was insane. But I felt so honoured to be able to see him fight. He like, triumphantly punched the air when he won the second fight and it was SO. DAMN. CUTE.

Anyways, my shift ended before I could find out if he won his finals or not, but Sera ended up texting me to let me know that he had won bronze (which made me really happy that she was keeping me updated – this is the most we’d talked about him since I told him that I liked him in July).

And shortly after that, he texted me apologizing for “freaking me out”, LOOL. Sera had told him that I’d watched the videos of his fights (and must have told him that I was this close to covering my eyes, hehe). We texted about his fights and he was kind of pissed that he hadn’t won, but he was put at a pretty unfair situation because they changed the weight class (or something along those lines – I’m still unfamiliar about all the technicalities of BJJ). I told him that he had done well for himself though regardless, and then I gave him a little unsolicited advice on how life is a series of roving hills and that he wouldn’t know the up’s without a couple downs. I also said that there was no limit to what he could achieve when he was passionate about something, and that he’d just keep getting better and better as time went on.

He appreciated it, which made me happy. Honestly though, his passion for BJJ really shone through in those videos. It’s admirable – these days, people aren’t really passionate about things anymore. But passion is enchanting, it’s refreshing. It’s knowing that someone has the capacity to care about something so deeply that they pursue it with all their might.

However, here’s the grains of salt: I’m glad that he mentioned he wants to explain why he relates, and that we should get together sometime soon. But. This is also the third time he’s mentioned making plans.

I know it’s not totally fair to leave everything to him, I know it’s not fair to expect him to make all the movements, and I’m not saying I’m expecting that, (or anything at all really). I’m too old for games, and he seems way too mature to play them. But ultimately, that last conversation we had did end up leaving the ball in his court (in my perspective); I told him to let me know when he’d be free, once he was back.

And he’s back, I know. No rush, I definitely did not in any way need him to be like “hey I’m back when are you free” today because that’s unrealistic (and asking for quite a bit). I’m not trying to put any time frames or ultimatums on this.

But. If he doesn’t take any initiative at all as time goes on, then… I think it’s fair of me to say that I should step back a little, right?

A voice in my head immediately chimed in to say “I’m not going to step back to protect myself from getting hurt”, but, why shouldn’t I keep my own best interests at heart? It’s nothing personal against him, and I wouldn’t step back to be petty or to build a wall and get my guard up, no. I very much enjoy being vulnerable and caring as deeply as I do because that’s who I am as a person, and that’s how I experience my life; I wouldn’t want to ever change that fact about me. I’d be stepping back because, a man who does not know what he wants is equally as dangerous as a boy who pursues what he wants blindly.

I really, really like Dylan. I’m super attracted to him, I like what I know of him so far and would love to get to know him further, on a deeper level. I’m not asking to dive head over heels into a relationship where we run off into the sunset holding hands, Lord no. Realistically, I don’t know him as well as I’d like to. Secondly, he’s five years younger than me and although he appears to be very mature and very much an old soul, five years is a pretty steep gap. He’s only just entered his twenties and I’m in my mid-twenties now. I have years of lessons and experiences on him that maybe he has yet to learn for himself. And maybe I don’t – maybe we’re on par in our emotional and mental maturity and that’s why we vibe so well. But I don’t know any of this for sure, because there just haven’t been enough instances where we can get to know each other on that level.

So what I mean by all that is, I have to stay realistic about this. Not because I’m afraid of getting hurt (although I do struggle with that fear sometimes), but because I tend to lose my head in the clouds (and my brain in feel-good hormones and chemicals) quite easily. Ultimately, actions will speak louder than words. If he’s uncertain, if he’s not in a place where he feels he can let me in and/or get to know me on that deeper, more vulnerable level, it’ll inevitably show in his actions (or inaction).

Time will tell all! In the end, no matter what does happen, I won’t regret any of this because I stepped out of my comfort zone and faced my fears. I told him how I felt with no expectations (but with hidden expectations I hadn’t even known myself, that I have been teaching myself to let go of). My heart is content knowing that guys like him DO exist; the kind of guy who listens to knowledgeable and intellectually stimulating podcasts, the kind of guy who enjoys delicious food in hidden-gem food spots and drinking a good glass of wine. The kind of guy who lives for adventure, who thrives on passion in so many different aspects of his life, through music and jiu-jitsu and his love for hockey. The kind of guy whose smile and laugh literally lights up whatever room he walks into, who cares about his family and friends deeply. The kind of guy who is ridiculously mature and wise for his age, with an old soul and a love for reading, with a desire to expand his mind and knowledge constantly. The kind of guy who could look at me and make me feel like I was the only person he saw, in a department full of people. A genuine, all-around good guy.

He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met and no matter what does end up transpiring between us, I’m happy that we did meet. I’m happy that my heart skipped a couple beats when I first laid eyes on him, happy that I felt time slow down that moment we were in his car together when I was thanking him for helping me. It’s real, it’s out there, this kind of magic. It exists. I believe in it. And if I have to, I’ll find it again and again because I have faith that what’s meant for me, will always find me.

Anyways! What a nice long log this turned into. However, it’s getting late now, and a new week is about to begin. I’ve got work shifts to look forward to to keep me busy, but I’ve also got reading week this week so I’ll have a little bit of free time! More time to catch up with school, to be honest. Looks like I’ll actually be doing some reading during this reading week, for once LOL. (Albeit this reading “week” consists of only Thursday and Friday… sigh.) Nevertheless, I’m looking forward to it.

I swear I’m going to make a better effort to write more consistently. I actually feel a lot better, and I think some of the lowness must have stemmed from not checking in with myself. I need to remember this relief as a motivation to MAKE time to write to myself, even if it’s brief. The same way I find time to work out, or incorporate meditation into my days. Self-care is absolutely vital to self-love.

Until tomorrow then! No class but a work shift, so I’ll write when I get home, I promise.

Love, love, love

Me.

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