Day 296, 297, 298, 299 – October 23rd – 26th, 2017

Hello! I’m in a great mood today! I think that the working out in the morning has really been helping me with my latest mood swings, I need to keep up with it. Okay so, I did promise I would write on the Monday, but in all fairness it’s been Olivia’s midterm week and she’s needed her laptop so I didn’t have a chance to write like I wanted to.

So what’s happened this past week so far?

I had some class, and now it’s reading week! Still haven’t had a chance to kind of get into school mode like I’ve wanted to, because I took on some extra hours at work and I’ve been really, really busy with that. And yet again, today marks the start of four straight shifts in a row. However, after this, I’ll be a lot more free come next week so I’ll have time to spend in the library.

Also, I need to get back into my driver’s lessons. It’s something I have to become accustomed to, and I have to do this for myself. I need to focus my mind into thinking solely of all the good that can come from it: the sense of freedom, the time saved once I get a car and I won’t have to bus anymore, the ability to go wherever I want, whenever, and lastly, my mom will get off of my back about it, LOL. (She means well though, I know she does. I caught myself thinking last night that if I had a daughter who was afraid, I would gently try to encourage her to face her fears too).

Okay there. I just texted the driving instructor, as I’ve been putting that off ever since I came back from Grand Cayman (which was pretty much almost a month ago – has time ever flown!)

I keep catching myself thinking “I really, really don’t want to do this” and I have to stop this thought mid-sentence every time. It doesn’t matter if I want to or don’t – I have to. I have to. It’s going to benefit me in the long run. I can’t let my fears hold me back in this life. I won’t.

Anyways, that’s about it for catch-up on this week! Yesterday I stayed home all day (and also indulged in a little herbal fun times) and that was really, really relaxing. I sat outside for a while, listened to music and really let myself get lost in it. I also ordered a medium thin crust pizza and pretty much the whole thing in one sitting, LMAO. Why is pizza so good when you’re high?!

Today, I have a work shift. Also, it’ll be the first time I’m seeing Dylan in like three weeks.

Earlier this week we were texting a little bit, and he’d asked if I was in today because he wanted to bring me some loose-leaf white tea that his friend brought him from China. (First of all, I love tea. Second of all, WHO EVEN IS THIS GUY?! I find it so cool that he likes tea the way that I do. He’s definitely one-of-a-kind and unlike any guy I’ve ever met, this is for sure.)

Anyways, these three weeks of not seeing him have helped me to put things into perspective and become a little bit more realistic about this whole situation, so I’m glad. As idealistic as I can be, I have to see things for what they are, and not what I would like for them to be. He never brought up hanging out again, and that’s fine. Maybe he will today, and maybe he won’t. Regardless of what happens, I have to approach it all with a certain level of detachment that will help me to see things with clarity.

I think it kind of hit me this week. I spent some time reading my old logs from way back earlier this year and, I really put him on a pedestal. Fair in the sense that he really is unlike anyone I’ve ever met. But. He’s also just a guy. A person. There’s a lot I know of him that I like and am attracted to. But I don’t know him, as well as I’d like to, after all of this time.

So, it’s pretty unrealistic to attach so much weight and emotion to someone I don’t really know as deeply as I would like to, or should. There’s an imbalance there. I remember when talking to Sanjeev that late summer night I stayed out in downtown, he was explaining that happiness comes from a parallel, a balance, between extremes. Finding the middle ground. I can’t be head over heels for someone if I don’t know what keeps them up at night, if I don’t know what their worst fears and deepest dreams are. Because then it means I’m having feelings for the idea of a person, and not the person themselves. I can be attracted, which is what I am and have been for the course of this year based off of the things I’ve seen/know about him thus far. But anything deeper than that, I’m setting myself up for disappointment through pre-conceived expectations or an attachment to the idealism of this situation.

This clarity is important. I need to keep these things in mind moving forward. A lot of this stems from what I’ve been reading in “Awakening the Buddha Within”, about cultivating a mindfulness and a healthy detachment to your thoughts and feelings.

Well, that’s about it for this log! I have to go shower now and get ready for my shift. I don’t know if I’ll be writing later tonight, but if not tonight then I’ll be back to write tomorrow morning before my work shift.

Here’s to appreciating the moments as they happen, and being present in them to fully appreciate them as they occur.

Love always,

Me.

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