It’s been a long day, but a good one for the most part! I choose to focus on the good of it, that’s for sure.
I had work, but today I meditated beforehand and I’m glad I did. I’ve recorded some guided meditations from “Awakening the Buddha Within” and I’m hoping the sound of my own voice will cancel out the voice in my head, and that I’ll listen to the guided meditations and focus on that instead! So far, so good though.
It finally hit me that this weekend is the weekend before Halloween so we’ve managed to pull something together quite last minute. All I knew is that I needed a reason and a place to dress up, so now it’s a thing. And I’ve thrown together a last minute (and cheap) costume so I’m happy! I need to go out and have fun, so might as well make the most of it. It’s been a while! I miss running around downtown and drunken shenanigans and being wild and free.
So, I need to talk about yesterday’s shift, and today’s occurrences and realizations.
Okay so on the brighter side, yesterday’s shift was fun because there was a DJ spinning some sick tracks and I was definitely getting my groove on and having fun, LOL. On the flip side (not the bad side, no no) things with Dylan were… I don’t know, they just were I guess! I’ve gotten to a place where I’ve accepted the conversations for what they are, rather than just labelling it “small talk” and brushing it off.
Being completely transparent with myself, I’ve struggled a lot these past two days. Like with my own mind frame. But before I get into that, let me talk about today.
He happened to come into work to visit Sera today, and it was nice to see him for a bit! But on my part, (and I know this is a choice), the whole “excitement” was kind of gone – like the way I’d light up when I saw him walk into the department, it just wasn’t the same. And I know that’s a choice and I hate typing that and I hate all of this so much because it literally has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.
So, I got impatient. No, scratch that – I got tired of waiting without even fully knowing what I was waiting for exactly. Because, I stayed true to the whole “no expectations” thing (to a certain extent) – from the start, I told him I expected nothing from him in my telling him how I felt. I told him with the full awareness that just because I was attracted to him, did not mean he was obligated to be attracted to me.
I really did want to get to know him though. And I really wanted him to get to know me too. There was so much about him I would have loved to know. I even wrote down questions, LOL. And I know I’m writing this down in past tense as though it’s never going to happen. But…
Three times now, we’ve talked about hanging out. And all three times, nothing has manifested. And it’s been almost two months since we’ve hung out last. I acknowledge that I could easily reach out and simply ask when he’s free. I understand that I can fully ask him for a simple coffee sometime, nothing fancy or date-y. My problem here is fear, and I am aware of it. I don’t want to ask because I’m scared of being too pushy, or forceful, or forward. I’m scared that he’d mistranslate that simple request into assuming I do expect more of him, that I do want more than just to get to know him. But I don’t – while I daydream all the time about things turning into more, realistically I completely understand that we could spend time really getting to know each other, only to find out that it wasn’t meant to be for us, and we’d continue on as friends.
I was talking to Leila about it today, and she mentioned that I could bring it up, just to see what page he’s on in regards to me. And she’s absolutely right, I totally could. But once again, fear – I don’t want to know. I’d rather us just work together and maintain that work relationship and pretend I never said anything this summer, than know that he’s not into me or not into pursuing anything right now (which is totally fair if that’s the case).
And as I type that, the part of me that’s grown so much over this year is saying otherwise: I can’t avoid messiness. I can’t run from these kinds of situations and “pretend” things didn’t happen. I did something really brave this year and I can’t regret it, I won’t let myself.
Ultimately, all I feel I am left with is letting go, and leaving it to the universe’s hands. Fear won’t let me ask or pursue things any further, and I can’t keep driving myself nuts with the hopes and expectations I do harbour. It’s not fair to me, and I don’t want to berate myself for the way I feel or think. I just need to simply let go, and focus on myself, and continue to question myself and why I feel things the way I do. I still have so much more to learn about myself, and there are so many ways in which I still need to grow, and I know deep down that everything happens for a reason, and that everything happens exactly as it is meant to.
When he does return to work three weeks from now, I’m definitely going to remain my friendly, bubbly and talkative self towards him, of course. That goes without saying. But what I can’t do anymore, is write down every detail of our conversations and replay the way he looks at me over and over in my head. I can’t feed the feelings anymore because now, they just feel ridiculously one-sided to me. Oh, epiphany!!!! That was what I was struggling with the most – how one-sided this felt to me.
I don’t mean that I needed the feelings to be reciprocated in any way – that’s unfair to expect or ask for because he legit doesn’t know as much about me as I would like him to, and vice versa. And effort-wise, I’m so glad that we went out those two times, because I myself had a lot of fun and it was easy to be around him. But as time went on, the certainty faltered – I’ve become unsure that he even wants to continue to get to know me outside of work at this point, let alone anything else.
I feel as though I’ve looked at this in every which way that I can, and the further I go into it, the more tangled in it I will become. So, that’s that. I’m letting go, and letting the universe take its course. Today, when I went outside to get the mail, I talked out loud to the universe on the way there.
I thanked it for everything, asked it to help me remain humble as I continue to learn. I thanked it for bringing Dylan into my life, even if it was just to show me that incredible guys like him do exist out there.
I hope one day, I will get to that point in my life that I will have constant clarity, rather than becoming immersed in my thoughts and feelings. Actually, I will get to that point if I continue to practice this mindfulness and awareness. And when I get to that point, I will still continue to learn, even after then.
Last thought: Dylan has his own routines, habits, lifestyle, people, thoughts, feelings, and constants. I’m not a part of any of those things, and I have to accept that and know that it’s okay. And I do. My heart feels lighter, because I’m okay with this.
Anything else I’d like to be honest with myself about here, before I head to sleep?
I’m glad that I always question myself and look inwards when something doesn’t feel right. That’s a good thing. I can’t go backwards, I can’t. Only forwards.
I’m looking forward to what’s bound to be a great weekend, and next week is promising to be quite busy as well so I’m looking forward to it! Here’s to keeping occupied, being productive, but also practising self-care. Also, next week is the start of yet another month! The second last month of this year. Not to mention, today is the THREE HUNDRETH day of this year!!!! ONLY 65 DAYS LEFT TO GO, HOLY CRAP. Better make them count, eh?
Here’s to living a life as fully, and as MINDfully, as possible.