Yikes, I haven’t written in a while! It was a busy weekend though, and so far this week has seemed rather busy as well. Although in retrospect, I suppose it wasn’t really; I think I’ve gotten to this point where I prefer to write when I’m in dire need of getting thoughts out of my head, rather than writing every day as I intended to.
I started this off so strong though, this log of mine. And I want to be able to finish off strongly too. Even if it means I type a paragraph on the days I don’t have time to write. Today is officially the start of the second last month of this year. I can’t falter now. Like a race, I want to end off on a sprint that will carry me into next year on a high point, because this year has been so good to me, and for me.
Anyways, let’s go back to where I left off on the weekend before I check-in with myself! It’s been a busy but fun-filled couple of days.
So Saturday the 28th ended up following through perfectly – the hotel worked out, and a bunch of us went out and about downtown to a cool bar/pub that Leila suggested! It even had karaoke on the third floor and I got to sing an Ariana Grande song (seeing as that’s who I was dressed up as, LOL!). After everyone left, me and Avery adventured around downtown – he climbed one of the loops in Nathan Phillip’s Square, and I climbed along one of the walls leading up to City Hall (I can’t believe how reckless we were, but it was super fun).
After that, we trekked out to Harbourfront and did more reckless (and possibly illegal stuff) – we sat in peoples boats along private docks, and even broke into a massive pirate-looking ship that was docked. It was so, so cool; I even climbed to the top of the captain’s cabin to get a cool view of the city.
All in all, it was an awesome night. There’s nothing I love more than adventuring around downtown at night!
We got to sleep for about an hour, and then Olivia and I went for a morning swim in the hotel’s heated outdoor pool (so relaxing). I had a work shift on the Sunday and honestly, I don’t know how I got through it, I was suffering so much LMAO. Especially being as hungover as I was, and running on an hour of sleep. Worth it though!
Monday the 30th was the true day off I’d had in a while; I didn’t have class and I didn’t have work. So, Natasha and I spontaneously decided to engage in some fun; we ate shrooms! And boy, what a day it turned into…
It’s better than anything I’ve ever tried before. While I didn’t quite get to meditate the way I intended to, we both felt super relaxed and euphoric and happy, as though nothing was wrong in the world. And we couldn’t stop laughing sometimes! I laughed until I cried about three times in a row. And when I closed my eyes, I could see all kinds of brilliant patterns and geometric shapes. Hands down, one of the coolest experiences ever. And we didn’t eat that much, so now we know how much to eat for next time.
Which leads me to yesterday, Tuesday, aka Halloween! It was such a great day – I got dressed up in my giraffe onesie, and did my makeup as accurately as I could and it was so, so much fun to do. I forgot how much I love to get creative with my makeup, how soothing and artistic it could be. After that, I went to Scarborough to visit Leila! And we had so much fun – it was my first time eating Chinese hotpot and it was absolutely delicious. Not to mention, it was fun to make your own sauce concoction, and then cook the food in the hotpot. After that, we went back to her place and we chilled. We watched the first Pirates of the Caribbean, which made my heart super happy LOL. It was day filled with all of my favourite things.
And now, here I am, this Wednesday, November 1st. I can’t believe it’s already November. This year has truly flown by.
I have to, have to study. Not only that, I need to really get back into school mode, like it’s a must. Last month was a breeze after midterm week and I noticed that I’ve been slacking a lot lately. School’s slowly been slipping down my priority list, and it’s time to bring it back up.
So, that’s what I’m going to do today! I’m going to get myself organized, figure out a timeline for my upcoming midterms and assignments, and just be productive today. Also, I need to finish my book so that I can begin another one. I need to keep going upwards on this journey of wisdom and self-awareness, and my books are necessary tools in order to do so. I can’t lose sight of how far I’ve come and everything I’ve learnt.
I’ve caught up on everything that has happened these past couple days, as well as outlined my plan for today. Which means all I am left with now is to write about is the thoughts and feelings I’ve been experiencing these days as a result of things that have happened, (or didn’t happen).
Where to begin?
Okay well recently, Nick messaged me and we ended up catching up a little bit. I briefly talked about what was going on with my family, which led to talking about other stuff like how things were going with his girl. Afterwards, he asked if he could ask me a “no-no” kind of question, and although he changed his mind I encouraged him to ask it anyways (because I knew the curiosity would end up killing me, LOL).
Basically, he just asked if I missed the “passionate” stuff we used to do, because it was different. And I admitted that I did, that it was intense. We both agreed there was a lot of feeling in it, and that we used to have really good chemistry. And then I also admitted that that time I had invited him over during the summer, I was experiencing a moment of weakness and I wasn’t sure if he had known what my intentions were.
It turns out he did kind of know, but he forced himself to say no. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he felt that things would have become weird between us, and he didn’t want that. He also explained that he wants us to be good friends again eventually, and didn’t want to “act upon desire” – things were supposed to get hard before they got easier.
Safe to say, I agreed with him and I was also very much impressed. He’s seemed to have grown a lot in this past year, and I’m happy for him in that sense.
But being honest with myself here, a part of me wanted that “one last time” quite badly. He’s right – it was different for us, but I think I know why. I think it’s because we were in love with each other; that kind of amazing intimacy stems from true feeling, and that’s why I think it was so good for us. So, I don’t know what it would have been like if we did give in, that time in the summer. We’ve both moved on, after all. There’s no way to go back, only forwards.
And ultimately, I also want to be good friends with him somewhere down the line as well. Once upon a time, despite our relationship and what it entailed, we were once best friends. He was someone I trusted deeply, someone who encouraged me for the better, someone who believed in me. Our dating relationship is gone now, a thing of the past, but that doesn’t mean our friendship has to be. I’m glad that we’re taking this time to do our own thing, be our own selves and even see other people. I know that we don’t talk often (and I never message), but maybe one day we can hang out again, as friends.
I actually don’t understand why people think that exes can’t be friends. If you’re willing to let go of what once was and both parties stay honest and focused on solely friendship, and if it ended on good or mutual terms, then why not? Why must you completely lose someone you once cared about, in order to move on?
I truly believe that if you’re in a good place with yourself, honest and self-aware, that anything can be possible. Regardless of what other people may think. And one thing I’ve learnt is that a lot of people’s opinions stem from their own lack of self-awareness, lack of knowledge, or inability to be open-minded even. We shouldn’t believe everything we’re told or taught.
Anyways, that was a nice bit of closure if anything. He messaged me again recently to tell me that he got into two research positions: one at Sick Kids Hospital, and another at CAMH!!!!!! I couldn’t be happier for him, or more proud. I can still remember the sleepless nights he spent in the library working on his thesis, and the insane amount of stress from cramming for exams. He’s worked so hard and he deserves these opportunities.
So, that’s that! What else has been mulling around in my mind? Let’s see…
LOL, let me start with what I dreamt about last night to segue into what I’m about to address.
Last night, I dreamt that I was at this big family thing with everyone I know. We were watching a slideshow of pictures for some reason. I don’t even know what the occasion was, but it wasn’t just family at this thing; I saw a lot of family, but there were also other people I knew. Namely, Dylan.
He was leaving to go to a baseball game at one point (idk why he was playing baseball, of all things), but he hugged me from behind by putting both his arms around my shoulders, and leaned his chin on top of my head (because he’s perfectly tall enough to do so, and that’s how short I am LOL). It was so nice. He explained that he had to go, and I wished him luck for his game, and then he mentioned that he hoped I would be free on a Sunday sometime soon, so that we could hang out again. And it made me so, so happy.
It was so vivid that when I woke up, I was actually still happy for a second. And then I remembered reality.
It is what it is, ultimately. I’m still really fond of him as a friend, that’s not going to change. He’s a good guy. But the reality of the situation is that if he wanted to hang out, he would have made some kind of effort to let me know when he was free. And on my side, if I had really wanted this the way that I thought I had, then I would have been able to move past fear to simply ask if he was free for coffee sometime.
It’s not just him, and it would be unfair of me to say so. I’ve made my choices too – I’ve chosen to let go, rather than move past the fear of being “too pushy or forward” in fear of making things weird or coming on too strong. I never realized how afraid I was until now; somehow during the summer, I was able to cast fear to the wind to tell him how I felt, expecting nothing in return. And now? I’m too scared to even ask when he’s free.
I’ve somehow gotten to a point where I’d rather fight my feelings and make them falter rather than be the girl who chases someone who’s apparently not interested (a conclusion I’ve arrived at in my head, albeit).
All I know is, I’m tired of over-thinking and that’s an aspect of the person I used to be, not who I want to become. I told myself that no matter what happened with this that I wouldn’t regret it, so I’d like to choose to focus on that feeling instead of torturing myself with improbable what if’s.
I was reading some of my recent old logs and came across this gem: “I don’t know what’s going to happen and at this point, I don’t even care if it ends up that he’s not meant to be with me. I’m so, so happy getting to know him like this, working with him when I can, and knowing that we’re going to have more moments to spend time with one another because he genuinely wants to, and so do I. I love this feeling of knowing that I’m not holding back anymore because I’m just not afraid of pain. I’d rather live a life full of love and passion wholeheartedly, than a half-life lived holding back because of fear.”
I wish I didn’t care so much about being “too forward”. But I also care about jeopardizing our friendship in the pursuit of something more. Especially when that friendship isn’t too altogether solid yet – I never did get to know him in depth, and vice versa for him. It’s still a surface friendship, but I still value that. Not to mention, we work together, and I would hate for things to become awkward. So, this fear that is now holding me back is a result of many aspects.
The only reason that I’m kind of melancholy about it is because of that last line I bolded up there. I really do want to live a life full of love and passion, adventure and pursuit, not bound by fear. I want it more than anything. But if someone’s not willing or ready to let me in, I guess there’s only so much I can do.
I don’t know what’s going to end up happening even now – maybe once he does start working again, I’ll be able to work up the courage to ask for a coffee, who knows. But for now?
I still choose to let go. And maybe there’s a reason for it! Maybe I’m meant to get some healthy perspective by stepping back, maybe I’m meant to let go a little for now. There’s a reason for everything, even if the reason isn’t apparent in the moment, right?
I won’t be seeing him for quite some time, but I hope he’s doing well. And that he’s happy, whatever he may be doing.
Anyways, that’s that!
I just sat for a second and realized that the majority of my thoughts have been about two other people (and guys, not to mention). What about me?! Yikes. Maybe that’s another reason why I’m meant to let go – I think I need to start re-focusing on myself, my well-being and keeping myself company.
I’m thinking about turning the basement into a meditation sanctuary – a quiet place with still energy, with some incense and maybe some mats for the floor. I need a safe space in this house, and there’s way too much energy bounding around on the main floor and upstairs. I think the silence and stillness of the basement would be perfect for that.
I have an appointment with my counselor coming up in about two weeks, which is great. And I’m practising that mental awareness as much as I can.
I need to become more consistent about waking up earlier, as well as starting my days with the workout, because that was really helping me a lot.
I’ve been getting better at demoing, by the way! Steadily getting stronger in sales, which makes me happy. There’s just a lot of negative energy and drama flying around the department right now, and this Christmas season is already promising to be a disaster, LOL. I’m going to try my best to stay away from it and out of it, because I have enough to focus on as it is. Work will stay at work.
Anyways, I think that’s about it for this log! I’m starving, and I kind of want to eat some food before I get into my study mode. I will write tomorrow morning or tomorrow after I get back from work. I have to write, regardless of what time it’ll be at. I have to.
Until tomorrow then!