Day 309 – November 5th, 2017

Hello! Ah, it feels so good to be typing this out on the laptop rather than my phone. But, it also feels good to have been typing consistently every day, even if it was on my phone. It made me realize that a lot happens, each day, and it’s nice to be able to keep track of it rather than having to recall things days later.

So before I go into how today was, I’m going to go back to the incident with my mom and update that particular situation, then talk about the whole Nick thing.

Where was I?

Ah yes. I was talking about the resentment I had felt in that moment. She had ended up coming downstairs before I could calm down, and I ended up yelling at her at the top of my lungs.

I told her that she needs to stop being stubborn and get help, and she needs to stop saying she wants to give up because she hadn’t given up for the past 55 years and she was so much stronger than that. But I also told her to stop saying damaging things to Olivia because she wasn’t as mentally capable of handling those kinds of statements, the way that I am. My mom lashing out had the tendency to be dangerous and lethal, even if she didn’t mean it to be.

She seemed pretty taken aback at my yelling (and so was I, in all honesty – I don’t remember the last time I yelled that loudly, at anyone). She went back upstairs and barricaded herself in her room.

After a couple moments, Leila and Avery finally managed to get through to me to make me see sense, and I realized that I needed to apologize and try to get through to her, so I went upstairs and did just that.

I walked into her room, and immediately apologized for yelling. I sat down and told her that I loved her and I wanted her to be happy, and that she really needed to get help because she so clearly needed it.

But I also told her that I can’t change where I am in life, or how I got here. I can’t change the fact that I won’t be graduating this year. I told her that I’m actually happier now, than I have been in a really long time, and I choose to accept these circumstances rather than stress about them. And I asked her to try and do the same, because there was no point in distressing herself to this point, over things that I can’t change.

She didn’t say anything, but I know I got through to her a little. The next day, I called the South Asian Women’s Help Center and set up an appointment for her with a counsellor, which she’s agreed to go to.

And she seemed to have fun at the family party, and we’re talking again, so that’s good.

The reason I was so angry at her initially is because suicide is so selfish to me. Once upon a time I considered it because I didn’t see any other way to escape the pain I was in, because of what was going on with my family. But it was selfish. I was only eleven, and I wanted to stop living. But I considered it without even thinking of what it would do to Natasha. I would have left her alone with my parents, left her to face this life without me.

So, it made me upset that things really aren’t as bad as they seem, and even still my mom kept saying she didn’t want to live anymore. But I understand better now that my anger is gone – she’s just unhappy. I don’t think she’s known real happiness for a very long time. It’s enough to drive anyone to that point. She needs help, and I’m glad she’s finally accepted it.

Her appointment is tomorrow so we’ll see how things go from this point. I’ll do my best to keep an eye on her for sure.

Anyways, that’s about it for that! Onto the next topic.

Long story short, sometime during the week, Nick messaged me and asked me if I’d be at school this Thursday. Which I am because I have classes, so I told him I would be.

And he let me know that he would be doing some recruiting for St. Joseph’s Hospital (where he’s currently working) at school on Thursday, and that we’d probably be able to run into each other. I asked him if he was tabling, and he is, so I told him I’d come by for sure and say hi.

Let’s be honest here – yeah, I’m pretty glad that I’ll get to run into him because I haven’t seen him since July and that was like five months ago. It’ll be nice to catch up in person for a couple moments, I’m sure. I know that it’ll probably be for a few brief moments and I’m looking forward to it (and yes, I intend to look good on purpose, LOL).

But.

My brain. It’s literally going wild with possibilities. Possibly due to the fact that it’s been almost a year since… well… I’ve been “intimate”, with anyone at all. And man, the amount of history we’ve got at that campus…

Realistically, I know he’s way too much of a gentleman to go anywhere near that possibility. And I know for a fact now that he doesn’t want to, because he respects our friendship and wants it to remain as is, without any weirdness.

But I want to, LMAO.

Somewhere in my depraved, desire-frenzied little brain, a part of me thinks she can separate the physical from the emotional. I’ve moved on and I know I don’t want to go back. But, I do miss the… other stuff. What’s so wrong about one last time, she’s saying casually, batting her eyelashes innocently.

Well, Ms. One-last-time, how about that there’s a very big chance of it being a very selfish act?

Hi, Ms. Logic here, and I’m here to be, well… logical.

Just because YOU’VE moved on, and just because it seems that he’s moved on, doesn’t mean that it won’t fuck his shit up and send him right back to square one. You think you’re capable of separating physical from the emotional and maybe you are, but what if he isn’t? It wouldn’t be fair. And it takes two to tango, as you very well know.

Sigh. Logic is no fun. But she’s right.

Alright, realistically I know it’s not going to happen and that’s fine. I’ll be a good girl and I’ll be friendly and leave it at that. I’ll be an adult basically, LOL. Eventually I’ll be able to be intimate with someone else, god knows when, but at least it’ll be right when it does happen.

But man. I really hope that whomever I end up with, I have the exact same kind of chemistry with. Because, it really was intense. It was the best I’ve ever had really. And that level of chemistry, it’s hard to forget or let go of. Trust me.

ANYWAYS. Moving on.

That’s all I wanted to address in retrospect, which brings me to today!

Today I had a quick five hour shift at work, and even though I didn’t really sell anything, it was so much fun. There were some great people in today and the vibe was so great. It was also a little crazy today though – there was a fight in the parking lot, and some of the customers we were getting were definitely out to lunch. But the best part of the shift was when a bunch of us ended up in the middle of the department, engrossed in a super deep discussion (that Sera and I initiated, of course).

I was telling Sera about the book I was reading and I asked for her thoughts on the nature of coincidences. And she agreed that coincidences definitely had a deeper meaning than they were given. Which led to a discussion about what coincidences we’ve experienced, and what they led to and meant. Some other people joined in and contributed as well, which was so nice! I love big group discussions where ideas are exchanged, because that’s how you learn new things.

It was so cool to see how people gathered or flocked towards the energy we were creating through our conversation – especially when Sera was speaking. Whenever she spoke, people who even happened to be passing by would stop to listen rapturously, even if they had no idea what context she was speaking in. I took myself out of the moment to witness that happening, and it was awesome.

We started talking about how everything happens for a reason, even if sometimes it seems bad in the moment or even if you want to give up. It’s all about being gracious and accepting and understanding that what’s meant for you, will be yours, if you just don’t give up.

But, that led me to another question that I couldn’t help but ask them all: how would you know when it was time to let go? How do you know when something is not meant for you?

Sera, smart woman that she is, asked me if it was in regards to school, or work, or a relationship. But, seeing as I was pretty much asking in direct relation to her son, I kept it vague and said it was just a general question.

I got a lot of thought-provoking feedback: one woman said that it was time to let go when you were at peace; when you knew you’d done everything in your power to attain what you were going after. And if that still wasn’t enough, then you could let go knowing that you did everything you could, but also accept that it simply wasn’t meant for you.

Sera said that letting go was fair when you felt that you weren’t receiving the fair reciprocal amount of recognition or effort that you know you deserved, from the thing or person or job you were putting effort towards. When you gave it your best shot and did everything you humanly could, but it still wasn’t enough. That’s when it was time to walk away.

But that led me to ask about perception: how do you know what the right amount of effort is? How do you know that you’re not anywhere near where you’d like to be in whatever situation you’re currently in?

But what Sera said in regards to this rings very true: perception is personal. And it is.

In my perception, my grand gesture of telling Dylan how I felt was my big move of effort. To me, it was a leap. Also in my perception, anything more than that now is too much – asking him to hang out will make it seem like I’m in pursuit of a relationship, and nothing but a relationship. (I’m not).

Which in theory sounds ridiculous, now that I’ve laid that out. Realistically, I’m sure that’s not what it’d seem like. Maybe it’d just be what it is, which is simply asking to hang out, which is what friends do.

But also in my perception – he never let me know when he was free, never made any effort to let me know when he’d like to hang out, after he got back from Detroit. It went from friendly small talk, sporadic texting and snapchats, to radio silence over the course of these past weeks. I know he’s busy and he’s got his own life, his own friends and family and people to care about. I just thought (hoped, really) that maybe… I could have been one of them.

So no, I’m obviously not at peace with it because it’s still on my mind and I know I didn’t do “everything” that I could’ve possibly done in the situation (due to my own personal fears). But, I also feel like there’s been no reciprocal effort either.

I don’t know about his thoughts on the matter, or his own perceptions. Maybe he was waiting for me to ask him when he’d be free. Maybe he was just too nice to tell me he wasn’t into me and is leaving it to silence to do the job. Maybe all he could ever see me as was his “mom’s friend” and the idea of anything more was too weird. I legit have no idea. But seeing as I’ve made my choice to not ask, to not be direct, to let go, I also have to stop dwelling and accept that I’ll never know because I simply don’t have the courage (or will) to find out.

Oh well! It is what it is. Still standing by my decision to let go and focus on other things for now. And I know that as time passes, it’ll be on my mind less and less.

My gut is saying this is wrong though. I have to acknowledge that feeling. My intuition is telling me that it’s wrong to give up completely. But that fearful, logic-driven side of me that wants to protect me from pain, she’s soundly won this round. She’s the one who keeps bringing up the age difference, all the reasons why it wouldn’t work, and all the reasons why I shouldn’t pursue this. All of those things are based on fear, fear of getting hurt. Not good. Not the way I want to live.

But what’s meant to be, will be. Everything happens for a reason. That breakthrough I had in the summer when I finally shook past my fears, that happened exactly as it was meant to, when it was meant to. So maybe I have it within me to have that happen again. Unless this really isn’t meant for me, but my gut is also telling me that if or when that day ever comes, I am in tune enough with myself to know for sure. But for now, I’m slapping a giant, unfinished question mark on that entire situation and filing it in the back of my mind.

Anyways, that’s about it! I’m looking forward to this week because I’m going to stick to that breakdown I made for myself of how I’d like the days of my week to look – from meditation, to working out, to making time to read, to focusing on school. I’m excited to bring those intentions to life.

For now, I shall relax and enjoy a glass of bubbly with my mom.

It’s been a good past couple days.

Oh, one last thing before I go!

Lately, I’ve had this feeling. This feeling like… I’m waiting. Waiting for something to happen. Not a bad or good thing, per se. But just… something. Either something is going to happen or… I’m waiting for something to manifest, I’m not sure. Something big, something that’ll change things or set my life on another course of direction. I don’t quite know when or where or how it’ll happen but… it’s coming. Something is on the way for me. I wonder if I will know when the moment arrives. We’ll see!

I’ll write tomorrow after my double shift!

Love,

Me.

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