Day 311 – November 7th, 2017

Hello! So I’m currently sitting at Starbucks, killing some time before I go to work. I just finished class, and I had a pretty good morning because I worked out for half an hour, as I intended to. And last night I meditated, as planned. So far, I’m definitely taking care of my well-being as I have meant to.

This book I’m reading… it’s continuously working to keep me centered, making me realize things on a constant basis. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. And unfortunately, I’ve only got 10 minutes before my work shift starts, and that’s definitely not enough time to write down all of my realizations.

So, I’ll definitely write tonight after work, no matter how tired I may be. I have to write about my realizations about “detachment to the outcome”, remaining directly in the center of the “river”, the way my ego has blocked the clarity and purity of my intentions, and ultimately.. I need to figure out what I’m left with, in regards to what I want. Until later then!

Alright I’m back! I’m currently lying in bed after yet another long day. It just occurred to me that with today’s shift, I’ll have worked 6 days in a row. It doesn’t feel that way, but I’ve done 40 hours of work in the past 6 days, HOLY CRAP. Especially because I pulled some double shifts here and there throughout this weekend.

I don’t feel overtly exhausted though! I’ve been meditating, sleeping on time, working out in the morning, making the most of my days. But man, 40 hours in six days… that’s crazy. I’m glad I’m doing something I love and that most days, it feels like I’m just hanging out with friends LOL! Like today’s shift, it was so dead that we spent most of it just talking and laughing and legit, just chilling. So some days, it doesn’t actually feel like work.

$20 dollars an hour to hang out, spend time with people I love and sell fragrances here and there? Man. I’ve lucked out. I’m so happy and so grateful to be where I am, right now. In school, finally knowing what I want, and I have a great part time job to save money along the way (if I could just nail my spending habits down. LOL.)

Anyways, back to my thoughts. (Which, I must remind myself, are fleeting and not factual. Writing them down does give them substance, but I acknowledge that I will not attribute any more weight to them than necessary.)

The book I’m reading right now explains how you can set an intent, but you must be detached to the outcome as to not have your ego get in the way of the purity and clarity of your intentions. The ego will always focus on attaining things quickly, attach pain or pleasure to the outcome and the overall circumstances of the intention.

My ego is my problem. My ego, or the “voice in my head”, or the way I perceive the events in my life – it’s a lot of “me, I, mine”. I victimize myself a lot, rather than taking responsibility for my choices or my emotions. But I’m not saying this in a self-degrading or callous manner – rather, a tone in which I’m saying I’m aware of these things and I would like for them to change.

Somewhere along the way, self-preservation became essential to me for some reason. The idea of protecting myself from pain, the idea of caring deeply of how the people I care about perceive me and my intentions. Which led to a lot of fear and anxiety. But now, I would like to face these things head on, get to the root nature of why they occur, become aware of these thought patterns and then consequently eradicate them from my life by catching them and replacing them with a stream of more positive thinking.

Which brings me to the “middle of the river” metaphor. The book says that in order to live a peaceful, content and even happy life, one must flow along the river of life directly in the center of the riverbanks. Each side is either pain, or pleasure – getting too close, attached, or even avoidant of either creates the possibility of running aground, hindering your flow in life.

Which reminded me of Sanjeev’s “parallel” metaphor – he said exactly the same thing to me!!! You have to find the middle ground, the direct in-between.

And here lies yet another one of my problems. I become too attached to way too many things – people, outcomes of situations (mostly imagined in my head), people’s opinions of me, their perceptions of me. And then, when I try to detach myself, it’s not a healthy kind of detachment – it’s a bitter, “salty”, “I don’t care” kind of detachment that is rooted in that pesky self-preservation again – the intent to protect myself from pain!

Hm.

Consequently, I believe I live way too much in my head and my thoughts and emotions. One minute I’m centered, detached in a healthy way, and the next I’m idly wondering if I pissed someone off if they’re not talking to me like they normally do. It’s all very “me-oriented” and I don’t want that mentality, I don’t. The world doesn’t revolve around me. People have their own lives and narratives and thoughts and emotions to deal with.

I’m happy with myself, aren’t I? I know I’m a good person. I have good intentions. I’m not perfect, but no one is. I’ve made great strides in loving myself this year. I’m very content with the person I am becoming. I am happy with my own company. So why is it that I care so deeply about what the people I care about think of me? Shouldn’t my character, consequent actions and intent speak for itself? Doesn’t it?

I shouldn’t have anything to prove to anyone, but myself. I don’t owe anyone anything. And ultimately, no one owes me anything either.

I cannot and will not live my life dictated by the fear of how other people perceive me, even if it’s the people I care about. If they’re meant to be in my life, if they truly care about me and know me and know who I am as a person, then that should be enough. I won’t have to prove anything to anyone, nor should I have to act a certain way to gain anyone’s approval.

So yeah. I care hard. I laugh a lot, at everything, easily. I’m weird as hell and I love it and wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m adventurous and spontaneous and I want to explore every corner of this earth. I want to genuinely help people, reach out to as many people as I can in some way, because I know how it feels to hurt and this life is too beautiful to not see the beauty in it. I have to be me, unapologetically, no matter who goes or who stays. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Back to my attachments. I have to stay in the middle of that river. No trying to actively avoid pain due to fear, no blindly chasing after what I assume will bring me pleasure. No attachments to the possible outcome of any situation I find myself in, no strong reactions that are “out of my control”. Lighting one tree of emotion can set off a tumultuous forest fire of thoughts.

I just want to be connected with the universe, and let it guide me. I want to be connected to that “non-local intelligence”, that infinite wisdom, that awareness that clear intent stems from. I promise to meditate every day if I can, to “let go” as healthily as possible, to be mindfully aware of my thoughts to the point that positive thinking is my first nature. I am the experiencer, I am not the voice in my head. I am the being and consciousness behind this experience, the soul that sees through these eyes.

Anyways, it’s getting late now and I’d like to get some rest. I’ll write tomorrow, either before my day of school or after class in the evening! I have to address some concerns I have regarding my mom, so this is my reminder to do so. I’m going to meditate now before I sleep, so until tomorrow then!

Love always,

Me.

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