Day 312 – November 8th, 2017

Hello! Yesterday’s log was so great! Full of awareness and mindfulness. As a result of all that introspection, I actually woke up today with a lot more mental and emotional clarity! I understand that if I want to make changes in my life in regards to my thought patterns and emotional tendencies, I’m going to have to rewire my old thought processes and cultivate newer habits, such as mindfulness.

Today was a good productive day too – I ended up doing a driving lesson after almost two months of avoiding them! It was an interesting synchronicity actually; yesterday while I was checking the mail, I saw that CAA had sent me a membership promotion which in the moment seemed ridiculously random. What the hell am I going to do with a CAA membership with no car and no license!? LOL. And then earlier this morning, I caught myself vaguely thinking about how I couldn’t wait to be able to drive so that I could take people to my own favourite places to eat or hang out.

Literally moments later, the uncle called and asked if I was available for a lesson. I hesitated – I really, really didn’t want to. But, I pushed through and forced myself to say yes because I knew that it was part of the universe’s intent for me today.

And overall, it went pretty well! I need to be more patient with myself for sure because it’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of practise until I’m actually comfortable with it all (anything more than 30 km/h still feels super-fast to me, sigh). I really have to rewire my thoughts and perceptions of it too – time and time again I consistently catch myself thinking how much I hate driving and how much I don’t want to do it. Well, those thoughts aren’t going to do me any good because I literally have no choice but to learn how to drive – it’s vital to my independence and consequent freedom in the future. So, every time I catch myself saying “I don’t want to do this”, I’m going to try and counter with some positivity.

Like how nice it’ll be one day to do nice long drives down empty roads full of beautiful scenery, out of the city. I would love that. But, the only way I’m ever going to be able to do nice things like that is by getting through these lessons and practising as much as I can until I am confident.

I know I can do this. One day this fear will dissipate and become a consistent vigilance, awareness and hopefully one day, enjoyment.

Anyways, that was my morning! And then I had my full day of classes, and here I am now.

I’m already beginning to feel sleepy! I wonder if it’s a result of consistently waking up at 8 am now, as I have been all week. (So proud of myself!)

I don’t really have much to add today, I suppose. Oh right, the concerns about my mom I mentioned in yesterday’s log!

My mom went to her appointment at the women’s center but apparently she felt uncomfortable because the place looked sketchy? She joked and said that they seem to need help, not her. Sigh.

What my mom needs is a mental and emotional rewiring as well, with a professional who can help her to do so. My mom is stressing herself out because she legitimately doesn’t know any differently, or any better.

I’m hoping she’ll go back to her family doctor and they can recommend someone of a higher standing to her instead. She seems to be doing okay so far, so that’s good. I think whatever I ended up saying to her that night kind of helped somehow.

Deep down I know that everything will end up okay. It’s just a little stressful sometimes, when the big blow-ups happen and we all don’t know how to deal.

Anyways, that’s about it regarding that.

Tomorrow I’ve got school and I asked Maria to take away a shift, so I have another day off tomorrow! And since I only have the one class, I’ll also have the afternoon off too! That’ll be a nice way to rest and relax before yet another crazy work weekend.

And tomorrow… tomorrow I’ll most likely be seeing Nick, after like five months. I know it’s probably just going to be a simple “hey, how are you” and small catch up kind of thing, realistically. And that’s fine. I knew the universe would only let us run into each other again when we were good and ready, both moved on in life and in different places, settled with the state of what we’ve become.

It is what it is! I’m just glad we’ll get a chance to see each other, say hi and whatnot. I’m glad that we can be friends. There’ll probably always be that tiny little part of me that misses the… “passionate stuffs”. We had it really, really good. But that’s long gone now, along with whatever our relationship used to be so… I might as well store those memories back in the dusty boxes they belong to, in the back of my mind.

I keep thinking about how excited I am for the end of this month!!!! I’m going to be going to my first ever basketball game, and then my first ever hockey game the next day!!!!! And then a week later, it’s going to be our department holiday party and I can’t wait to dress up and have fun with my coworkers. November is looking to be a great month!

Another thing I can’t wait for. One day, towards the end of December, I’m going to read this entire log from start to finish, every single word. No skimming, no skipping. I’m going to re-live every thought and experience and lesson I learnt this year, It should be super interesting to see all the ways I’ve grown, and the ways I have yet to grow into.

275, 598. Two hundred and seventy five thousand, five hundred and ninety-eight words of my life in this year so far, all captured from beginning to now. Wow. I’m so glad I did this for myself.

Anyways, it’s starting to get late now and I’ve got to meditate before I head to bed.

I just wanted to say… thank you, Universe. Just because. I am grateful, always, for everything.

Until tomorrow then!

Love always,

Me.

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