Day 313, 314, 315 – November 9th, 10th, & 11th, 2017

Hello! So I kind of fell off the wagon in terms of my writing, the day before yesterday (mostly because I was taking a me-day that resulted in me going straight to sleep, LOL). But it’s okay! I’ve been doing well for the most part and it’s the weekend now so, I do have some time to write.

So let’s see… I left off on Thursday, the 9th.

It was a good day, first of all. It got a little weird towards the end, but I’m getting ahead of myself here. Here’s how the day went:

Nick ended up messaging me earlier in the morning saying that he was on his own and suggested I come by earlier than my class to hang out, so I was like eh, why not.

I got to school about an hour earlier than my class, and then made my way over to where he was tabling.

It was actually really nice to see him! He said hi, and then got up to hug me, and mentioned to his co-tabling partner (who was his boss), that I was his friend. He made me sign up (or more accurately, I signed up to help out LOL) and then let me know he’d be done soon and that we should grab coffee, to which I agreed.

After a while, he met up with me at the Student Center and we made our way over to Starbucks, catching up the whole way. He’s doing really well for himself – he’d just started at his Sick Kids position the day before, and was about to start his CAMH position that same day. He also mentioned that he’s still going to be keeping his St Joseph’s hospital position, and is also hoping to get a fourth position at Sunnybrook hospital as well.

I’m actually really proud and super impressed! He’s keeping busy, and not only that, he’s also landed some incredible internship positions at some seriously prestigious organizations. He wants to pursue a Master’s in Health Admin by next year, and honestly with the amount of experience he’s getting within this year alone, for sure it won’t be difficult for him to land a job either during or directly after his Master’s program.

I was, and am, really happy for him. He’s come really far in this past year and I’m glad that all of his hard work is paying off.

Anyways, we ended up grabbing coffee really quickly but we didn’t get a chance to sit and talk because he had to go grab his parking pass and then skedaddle off to downtown to his first shift at CAMH. So I walked with him back to Vari, where we ran into Dana. They ended up catching up a bit but it ended up going on for a little while (I was dying of laughter because this was the first time that they’d seen each other since the whole “stalker” incident). But because of that, he ended up running a little late and had to jet off to find his car.

I walked with him to the parking lot because we were still catching up, but then I bid adieu because I could tell he was getting a little frazzled with the idea of how late he was about to be, on his first day no less. So he gave me a quick hug, and then ran off to find his car.

And that was that!

Honestly, it felt super easy to just walk around and talk and catch up, no weirdness at all! We even joked around a little bit, which was nice.

Anyways, after that I had the whole rest of the day to myself because for once, I wasn’t scheduled for Thursday to work. So I went home and I decided to just relax, because I hadn’t had a day to myself in quite some time.

But then, I had a brilliant idea. Since I was going to be home alone for the rest of the day, I decided to try eating the last gram of shrooms and then smoke a little bit after to see how it would affect/enhance the high.

It. Was. Awesome.

Once the high actually set in, I felt AMAZING. Like, better than just the shrooms on their own. I decided to try meditating, so I sat in front of my window in my room, opened it all the way, and closed my eyes.

Usually, it takes about a couple minutes for me to get into that mode where I feel as though I’m moving upwards out of my body. But this time? The second I closed my eyes, I immediately felt myself shoot upwards, no holds barred. But I didn’t just stop there. I think because I had no fear, I was able to let myself go up and into this experience to see where it would take me. And it was absolutely… transcendent.

I was flying up into the sky, I could see brilliants swirls of indigo and purple, and brightly lit stars and cosmos and I legitimately felt one with the universe. I know that this sounds totally loopy but, it honestly felt amazing.

And the breeze coming through my window just enhanced the experience, it made me actually feel as though I were physically and spiritually flying upwards into the sky.

After that quick session, I realized that I was in the right mode to try to chakra-meditation that Kash had repeatedly asked me whether I’d tried or not.

Basically, the guided meditation led me through clearing and opening each of my chakras. The root chakra, sacral chakra, solar plexus chakra, heart chakra, throat chakra, third eye chakra and the crown chakra. It was amazing – as I followed the guided meditation, I could actually see the bright colours of each of my chakras as they cleared and opened. I could clearly visualize the gentle golden light energy that was moving upwards through my spirit as I let go of all the energy that no longer served me.

Anyways, long story short, it was an incredible experience. I’m surprised that I can remember all of it in such vivid detail, LOL!

I’ve been meditating every single night for the past week, and I’m beginning to see the difference in my days now; not only do I immediately fall asleep with no problem, I’m also beginning to remember my dreams more vividly. I’m also more centered throughout the day, becoming more aware of my thoughts and feelings, as well as my breathing. I can’t wait to see the difference that a month of meditating every day will have.

Back to Thursday – after the meditations, I settled into my couch under my heated blanket to watch the second season of Stranger Things and man. I was as happy as a warm little kitten sleeping in a ray of sun.

And Leila called me! It was so nice to hear her voice and catch up with her, I miss her a lot. I can’t wait to see her soon, once we go to the basketball game for Avery’s birthday! I miss them both actually. I miss human contact! I miss having a social life and going out and doing things and hanging out. I never realized how school/work prioritized my life had become lately. But I guess this is all a part of being an adult, and learning how to balance everything.

As I was watching Stranger Things, Nick messaged me apologizing for running off so quickly and also said that it was nice to see me. I agreed, it was nice to catch up! And honestly, I was just about to say that he and I should hang out sometime and catch up for real. But then, things got a little… weird?

I thought maybe it was just me because of the state that I had been in while we were messaging. But then when I read it the next day, the vibe still sounded weird.

Basically, I was talking about my birthday, and then he asked why he wasn’t invited. I thought at first he’d been joking because he said he’d gotten a gift and it was in his trunk, and stuff like that. So for sure, I thought it was a joke and I laughed along and said it was a small thing and that’s why.

Well, he said he hadn’t bought a gift and didn’t actually want to come, but he did want to know why he wasn’t invited. And then I mused that it would have been awkward if he’d come, (not for me but for him, I assume). And all he said was “sure”, rather passive-aggressively, (and a “k” before that).

Here’s the thing though. I get it, we’re friends, and I’m glad that we are. But no, I didn’t think about inviting him to my birthday. My family was there, along with my closest friends. Even if we’re friends, we’re also exes as well. We’re still learning how to navigate through this friendship, especially given the circumstances. I wouldn’t have expected him to invite me to his birthday because our lives have gone in different directions now, and realistically it just wouldn’t have made sense. The same reason why I declined working for his family at their restaurant – it just wasn’t a good idea, we have way too much history for me to do something like that.

So no, I wasn’t about to apologize for something I didn’t need to apologize for, nor was I going to act like I’d even considered asking him to come at all. I’m not saying this meanly or bitterly, at all – I definitely want to be friends but this is the first time I’ve ever attempted this kind of friendship! I’m still learning as I go, and again I’m finding myself in unchartered territory. I genuinely don’t understand why he’d think I’d have invited him to my birthday. But, when I try to put myself in his shoes, the only thing I can come up with is that he thinks that we’re closer friends than I perceive us to be. The only way that this kind of situation can arise is through an imbalance or differing perspectives.

Anyways, I let the conversation be after that and I figured that he’d message me in a day or two’s time as though it hadn’t happened, which was exactly what happened in the summer when a similar situation like this occurred. And, I was right (he messaged last night about a completely different topic).

I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I care, but I’m not going to blame myself or feel guilty for things that I shouldn’t feel guilty for. It just doesn’t make sense and there’s no point. I won’t chase anyone either. I don’t have the time and my energy is much too important to me to expend it chasing after people.

A big lesson I’ve learnt within this year can be applied to this: “people/situations will always be out of your control – what you can control, however, is the ways in which you choose to react to them.”

So, I choose to breathe it out and let it go. If he wants to have a good and proper conversation on the expectations he has towards our friendship, I’ll be here for that. But I’m not here for the passive-aggressive defence mechanisms.

Anyways, I’ve got to start getting ready for work soon! I start at 4 but I have a driving lesson beforehand, and I think I’ll be driving there. Sigh. Got to do what I got to do!

I still have to cover how yesterday was though – yesterday morning, Olivia and I met with Elizabeth, my mom’s boss/good friend, after years of not really speaking, and it went really well.

Maybe after work today, I’ll continue this! But if not, I’ll definitely finish up tomorrow.

Wish me luck on my driving lesson! Proud of me for sticking through this, that’s for sure.

Until tomorrow!

Love always,

Me.

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