Day 321 + 322 – November 17th & 18th, 2017

Hello, hello!

So it’s currently Saturday morning, the day of Gala at work. I’m not particularly concerned about it though because I’ll be starting work much later today, and hopefully by then the hype will have died down and it’ll be somewhat of a normal shift.

I have so many things I want to cover in this log! A lot of these things stem from the realizations that I had during my session with my counselor, Nadia. And for once, I actually have time to sit down and just write absolutely everything, which is nice. I’ll start by writing about my session in detail, and then go from there.

It was honestly amazing. We covered so much in such a short time and I hadn’t realized I had so much that I needed to and wanted to talk about, because I’ve been focusing so much on keeping busy and being focused on everything else but ME! And I brushed it off by thinking that the meditation and working out was all the self-care I needed, and while it’s been helping me a lot, I haven’t actually sat down and thought about how I’ve been feeling or the thoughts I’ve been having because of how hard I’ve been trying to separate myself from it all.

Basically, we started off by talking about my family. I caught her up about what happened with my mom, and I talked about some of the feelings of resentment I had. I asked her if the resentment made me a bad person, because logically I knew my mom was in pain, but I still felt resentful because suicide felt selfish to me, especially since Olivia and I are overall good kids who have amazing intentions.

And she explained that resentment is a feeling and I’m allowed to have feelings. There’s a difference between festering and dwelling on resentment and allowing it to cloud my judgement, versus acknowledging how I feel and learning how to work around it and reason with it.

Then that led to how I never really felt I received the recognition or praise that I unconsciously craved from my mother – I’ve done things to seek her approval but I’ve never really gotten it because the things I do aren’t really according to her expectations or her time frames, so I don’t feel fulfilled in that sense.

That led to me questioning whether this lack of appreciation made me seek validation in my relationships. During my session, I told Nadia that I don’t think that I do, because I know that my friends and my family do appreciate me. But, after my work shift last night, I realized another truth: I do seek validation from some of my relationships – namely, the ones I have with the mothers that I work with, such as Sera or Diana or Marilyn.

I have this incessant unconscious desire to both be their friend and for them to like me. It’s so strange, but now that I’m aware of it, everything makes so much sense now – like, why I was so concerned about how they perceived me and what they thought of me, and how cautious I was about the things I said to them. Why I felt anxiety after my interactions with them, and replayed the conversations and reactions in my mind after everything was said and done. I got addicted to those good feelings I got from the appreciation and love I received from them whenever they told me how great I was, or how kind and sweet, or even beautiful. It was so foreign to me that it became addictive.

The anxiety also stems from my tendency to put these people on high pedestals, rather than truly seeing them for who they are. But more on that idealization problem of mine later.

This particular topic of seeking validation led to me addressing my fears in regards to romantic relationships; I talked about how I’ve been feeling like I miss being in a relationship and how that feeling scared me, because I never want to feel like I ever need someone again, because I want to be totally self-sufficient and generate my own happiness.

But she helped me to understand that we’re humans and seeking relations with other humans is a basic intrinsic need that I shouldn’t deny myself out of fear, or be ashamed of. I originally believed that that want meant I was lacking something in myself, but it doesn’t – it just means I’m human.

Which led to talking about my attachment styles in dating and relationships.

I explained how I feel like I grew up quickly because my main priority growing up was protecting Olivia, almost raising her while my parents’ marriage, psychological health, and relationship went up in flames over and over. Nadia explained that all my childhood, I’ve been putting out fires and never really had a chance to be a kid the way I should have (which probably explains why I’m still such a kid at heart – I grew up super-fast and that kid is still there with me, my inner child).

Anyways, this leads to a certain attachment style in my relationships. But, I’m aware of it now so that I can pursue a healthier kind of partnership and she explained that I shouldn’t have to be afraid of being with someone and losing my independence or happiness. I have to accept that sometimes there will be discord in these relationships but I shouldn’t be so afraid of pain that I deny myself a relationship. Life should be lived in a healthy moderation, never in extremes.

Which led to talking about Dylan. I explained to Nadia what happened: how I told Dylan that I was attracted to him and agreed that we still needed to get to know one another further. How we went on a couple dates that to me seemed really nice and fun, with no pressure for anything more than continuing to get to know one another. How after that, he suggested time and time again that we hang out, but that that never manifested in any way. And how the last time he suggested it, he really gave me the impression that he was ready to let me in, but never ended up telling me when he was free, and I ended up not seeing him for weeks, wondering all the while what had happened.

And she immediately pointed out multiple things to me:

One: he “ghosted” (I BURST OUT LAUGHING LMAO SHE IS SO FUCKING COOL).

Two: I idealized the FUCK out of him. Like, by “focusing” on all his “amazing qualities”, I put him on a huge pedestal. Which in turn left me surprised and confused as to why he never ended up letting me know when he was free, because in my perception it seemed “unlike him”.

But ultimately, I never really DID get to know him. And ultimately, actions (or inaction) speak so much louder than words ever will. No matter how many times he said we’d hang out, or even though he said the feeling was mutual when I told him how much I enjoyed talking with him and spending time with him, or even despite the fact that he said he’s looking forward to seeing me next week when he gets back to work: the fact remains that he ghosted me.

And I wasn’t mad or hurt at all!!! Actually, Nadia and I laughed about it, she even brought up the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You”, which made us laugh even more.

I needed to hear that, straight up. Nadia said herself, it seemed as though he just wasn’t as interested as I’d hoped or perceived him to be, or that maybe he wasn’t ready and allowed that message to be conveyed to me through his lack of action.

She also pointed out that men are hunters – when they want something, like genuinely want something, they will go after it with no holds barred. If Dylan really DID want to get to know me, regardless of whether or not he was attracted to me, he would have made some kind of effort regardless of how “busy” he was (or how “busy” I perceived him to be as an excuse/rationalization for the lack of effort).

It was so clarifying to hear all of this!!! She also pointed out how she noticed how I was implicitly blaming myself for his lack of action: “maybe I was too forward”, “maybe I didn’t make enough effort myself”, etc.

But nope. He’s just not that into me and that’s totally okay!

She and I also talked about the nature of falling for someone and the initial rush of hormones and chemicals that were quite “blinding” in the initial stages of a relationship. We talked about the almost addictive nature of oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that is released frequently when one feels as though they are “falling” for someone.

I explained to her that I was finally aware of those hormones, but that I did not want to be consumed by them or let them dictate my thought habits or emotions. And she agreed – when falling for someone, it’s so important to separate yourself from the feel-good hormones and acknowledge them for that they are so that they do not consume you.

And then I asked her, how exactly does one separate from “idealizing” a person, versus acknowledging/appreciating their good qualities? And her answer was amazing:

Idealization was a combination of the “spotlight effect” (focusing ONLY solely on the good qualities of a person) as well as using those perceived “good” qualities to cast high aspirations and expectations on the person based on those “qualities”. Those high expectations, being based on one-sided information, usually ended up being the key reason why people end up disillusioned or disappointed when the person did something (or in my case, didn’t do something) that didn’t fit or match the image that’s been projected onto them as a result of the idealizations.

But on the other hand, when you appreciated someone’s good qualities, you wouldn’t FOCUS on them – you’d simply acknowledge them, whilst being aware of the person’s other qualities such as flaws. Genuine appreciation stems from accepting a person as a whole once having truly gotten to know them. Idealization stems from actively choosing to see only the “good” of a person, and using that knowledge to assume you know the person completely.

If despite the good qualities they have, you can’t accept or abide by their other qualities, then you can’t allow yourself to solely focus on the good because that’s idealization and it WILL lead to disappointment or worse, an unhealthy relationship.

So she pointed out that if this is what he was like now – ghosting, unable to straight up tell me either he’s uninterested or not ready, then what would a possible relationship be like?

But she also said be open when he comes back to work – I had no reason to pursue anything any longer because his inaction has brought us to this point. But if he does all of a sudden start to make an effort (which I doubt he will), then I deserved a valid explanation for the “ghosting”.

I can’t even begin to express how nice and freeing it was to just vent about all of this and know that I wasn’t annoying anyone or that I’m not weak or needy.

I explained that despite me keeping as busy as I possibly could, that this DID bother me. Because I had no idea what had happened. And because of my idealizations, he seemed like such a good, honest, straightforward and mature person. And maybe he is a good person! But I don’t know him as deeply as I wanted to, ultimately.

And she’s also right, that I can’t blame myself because I’m awesome. I made it known to him that I was attracted, and his lack of action inevitably made it clear that he wasn’t, and that’s okay. I would have preferred him to tell me directly, but I can’t control what people do, only how I react to these things.

Oh we also talked about how forgetful and absent minded I can be sometimes (breaking a glass plate in my own hand, forgetting my wallet at home etc.) and she noted that I need to not get lost in my thoughts when I’m performing an action of sorts, such as getting ready or preparing something etc. I have to be more mindful and cultivate that mindfulness into a habit.

Ultimately, she said that if there’s one main thing she wants me to take from the session, it’s this: to not deny, overlook, or brush off my personal needs. I need to listen to myself and ask myself what I need or want, from time to time. That is not weakness.

I felt so amazingly centered after this session, and I left the office with a light heart.

So much introspection!!! I realized so much about myself yesterday, and in turn I’m hoping that this new awareness of these thought-patterns can help me to catch myself as they happen, and ultimately eradicate them.

I will never be able to truly connect with my coworkers if I’m constantly second-guessing everything I say and saying everything I think they want to hear. And more than that, it takes away from who I am as a person. I have plenty to offer, regardless of my age. And ultimately, I shouldn’t need validation from these relationships – I genuinely like and care about these women, but they’re only human too.

I promise to myself that I will work on being as consciously aware as possible, not to second-guess myself but to catch myself when I start to, in order to stop it in its tracks.

Speaking of my coworkers – yesterday also opened my eyes to how much toxicity is in that department, and I actually left my shift with a lower vibration than I did going into it. It was mind-blowing to realize.

There’s so much negativity and chaos of energy swirling around the department – angry stares, shit-talking, misunderstanding, lack of awareness, the inability to connect. I listened to people vent yesterday in an effort to help, but the “venting” is literally shit-talking and truth-bending and I found that I simply couldn’t contribute to the conversation because I had nothing to say! I didn’t want to say anything – I didn’t want to take sides, I didn’t want to get involved, I didn’t want to know who was “right” or “wrong” because the entire situation was full of pointless and endless drama.

There’s an old part of me that’s afraid that I won’t be able to talk to anyone, now that I know I don’t want to be a part of these conversations and that these conversations make up 90% of what’s talked about on the floor. But ultimately, I have to protect my own energy and it’s a good thing that I am now aware of how much negativity is in that place. I don’t want to add to it, or be a part of it.

I want those rare moments where everyone’s energy is in a good place and we discuss topics outside of our workplace, such as travel or self-improvement or lessons that everyone has collected along the way of their own personal journeys. Those are conversations I can allow myself to be a part of, to learn from.

And another thing I’m slowly realizing – my own self-realization and introspection is going to make people uncomfortable, if they don’t have it or understand it or want it for themselves. People become defensive when they come across aspects that either challenge what they know of themselves or make them unconsciously realize what they may be lacking in themselves. If people aren’t open-minded to change, growth, or allowing themselves to see situations in a different perspective, then defensiveness and anger will always be their first reaction and go-to defence mechanism. After all, we’ve been programmed to fear what we do not know or understand, right?

I would love to have everyone I know or have met in this life have this level of clarity, this frequency of vibration, and this awareness. It’s life-changing. But, I can’t force it on anyone, I can’t teach it to those who actively choose to remain in their bubble. I have to remember that. But, like that moment at Starbucks when that girl asked me about my book, there will be people who I find or find me, that are ready and seeking this awareness. And that’s all I can really hope for.

Anyways, that’s about everything I wanted to write about today. The battle of my self continues onwards; every day I wake up with renewed energy and the desire to reclaim my mind, to become the “watcher” of my thoughts and emotions. I’ve been meditating every single day for two weeks. The moments in which my mind goes quiet are beginning to get longer. Every day I learn new ways to bring my awareness back into the present moment.

I look forward to what’s to come while being here, in this moment. There is no moment like the Now.

I’m also looking forward to these next two days, LOL. The basketball game is finally tomorrow! And the hockey game right after. I’m so, so excited! It’s about time I have some good fun and get out of my work-school routine.

I’ll write tomorrow when I find a moment!

But before I go, I must say – thank you, Universe. I am grateful. I am humble. I am blessed. I look forward to continuing to learn all I that I can, whilst conspiring with You to manifest my deepest dreams and my ultimate destiny.

Love always and in every way,

Me.

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