Day 323, 324, 325 – November 19th, 20th & 21st, 2017

Doozy of a log today. Where to begin, is the question.

Good stuff first – I had so, so much fun with my best friends at the basketball game, and again yesterday at the hockey game with Rose. And I’ll go into detail about these instances at the end of this log, to end on a positive note. But, I’ve got to address what happened this weekend because at this moment, it is on the fore-front of my mind and I don’t want it to be, because it’s affecting my mood.

So on Saturday, my ride to work was already kind of on a bad note – my dad was super drunk and I only realized while I was in the car with him on the highway because he wouldn’t stop talking and I could hear the slurring of his words and worse yet, smell the alcohol on his breath. But, this didn’t faze me all too much because I’m used to him pulling stupid shit like this and somehow getting away with it. (It’s sad though, in retrospect; how I’m used to my dad jeopardizing both my life and his on a regular basis because of his addiction to alcohol).

But here was the thing that got me – while I was at work, Olivia texted me to let me know that our dad had stolen her debit card… to buy alcohol.

I immediately left the floor to give her a call. She was distraught, so I talked her through while she cried. That was her hard-earned money, and she doesn’t get a lot of it. And neither of us could fathom how one could steal from their own flesh and blood. But it just further denoted that my dad was getting worse, not better, if he could rationalize an action such as that.

I spent my work shift livid, trying to hold it together and pretend I was all good. But I was pissed. Especially on Olivia’s behalf.

It was just so fucked up to comprehend. And I get it; I know people are going through a lot worse. People are dying from cancer, war, famine. I know this situation isn’t as bad as it could be and we’ve been through a lot worse – my dad breaking a table with his bare hands and punching holes into my bedroom wall after flying into a rage at my mom, my dad getting black out drunk and falling on Olivia when she was a small child and her face getting cut open on a wooden table having narrowly missed losing her eye, my dad pulling my mom out of the car by her hair after a jealous fit at a family party, all the times he got drunk and threw up, the seventy thousand dollar debt that resulted in us losing our house and having to move, the days he wouldn’t come home because he spent the whole night at the racetracks. Even while I was just conceived, before I was even born – my dad would take our grocery money from my mom’s bag and disappear for days at a time to go gamble, leaving her hungry and heart-broken.

We’ve been through some shit. This has been happening as long as I’ve been on this earth.

I definitely want to stay positive. Even now, I don’t let these events in my life dictate my life, my attitude, my positivity. It’s contributed to who I am today and is the main reason why strength has been my only option. But I can’t let these things define me. Or confine me.

But, I do have to acknowledge, if even briefly… this some fucked up shit. LOL.

Moving on though. Ultimately, the bottom line is that my dad is, and probably always will be, really sick. And as angry as I am, I have to help him. I have to help my whole family.

Back to Saturday – my mom didn’t believe that my dad took my sister’s debit card, and insisted it must have been a mistake. Even my sister began to believe that maybe it wasn’t possible since the location of that LCBO that the card was used at was so far away, and therefore improbable that my dad used it there.

I knew he did though. So I waited for the truth to reveal itself. And it did.

The next day, my dad admitted to Olivia that he did take her card and that he was so sorry, and that he would pay her back.

I understood the reason why my mom and my sister didn’t want to quite believe that he did it – it’s pretty much unfathomable that a parent could steal from their own child. My mom was appalled and disgusted.

After the basketball game, I sat down and asked my dad if he realized what he did was absolutely sick, not just wrong, but sick. I asked him how on earth he could possibly rationalize a decision like that.

Consequently, he realized that he seriously needs help and asked me to help him. So, I called the Center for Addictions and Mental Health to get a hold of his old counsellor, and also went with him to the doctor today to see if we could get a referral for one on one psychiatrist. However, we found out that that’s going to take about a couple months, so his only option really is getting back into CAMH.

I want to help my dad but because of the client-counsellor confidentiality clause, I can’t do things for him directly – he has to do it for himself. So that’s that.

How do I feel about everything? Because, everyone’s been asking me but I don’t really know what to say. I’ve been doing a lot better at expressing myself this year, but I’ll admit that I’ve been struggling a little with this. But maybe I can be a little bit more honest with myself here, since it’s just me talking to me.

Hmm.

Okay well, honestly. I know I have to help my dad, it’s my duty as a daughter and after everything my parents have done for me, I have to take on the role of an adult and be responsible for this.

But a small, selfish part of me just doesn’t want to.

I’m hurt, and angry, but the logic part of me that’s studying psychology understands why my dad is the way he is and I know he needs help, one human to another. He doesn’t intentionally mean to hurt us, I know he just can’t help himself because the demons in his head are much louder than he can ignore.

I know I shouldn’t take what he does personally. These are all the things I know. But I can’t help how I feel.

I have to let myself feel these things and acknowledge that these feelings exist, in order to process them and eventually work around them to do what I have to do. That’s what I learnt from my appointment with Nadia.

Let’s do some question and answer stuff to get to the bottom of my thoughts and feelings, so that I can move on with my day and ultimately, my week.

Q: Are you tired of being “strong”? Of always having to hold everyone together?

A: No. I’m actually grateful and so thankful that I can process these events the way that I do. I’m humbled by the fact that it’s me who has the strength to hold my family together. Even as a child, I tried my hardest to be a mediator between my parents. I understand the toll it’s taken on me, but I still wouldn’t change it for anything. What I’m tired of maybe, is how many times this has happened in my lifetime, if anything. It makes me wonder if things will always be like this – a constant cycle of steady ups and terrible downs in the form of his relapses.

Q: Are you okay?

A: A lot of people have been asking me this one, and I never quite know how to reply. Because I feel like everyone wants to hear, “Yes, I’m okay”. But you know what? No, I’m not okay with any of this. It’s an awful situation to be in. But, regardless of that, I’m still choosing to move forward and do what I can. Still choosing to remain positive, choosing to have fun with my friends and enjoy my life regardless of what my home life looks like and the kind of energy that currently resides in my home. I don’t have to be “okay” with any of it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to be “okay” eventually.

Q: What are you doing to help yourself cope? You’re fixated on making sure everyone in your family is receiving the help and support and they need, but what are you doing for yourself?

A: Well. I’m expressing myself here, which is helping a lot. I have another appointment scheduled with Nadia for next Thursday that I’m now very much looking forward to. I’m still doing my best to meditate every day. I’ll admit that this whole event has thrown me off of my dedication to mindfulness, but I’m going to get back to that. I’m going to strive once more to be fully present in every moment I encounter. I’m also still living my life for me – I went to the basketball game with Leila and Avery even though a small part of me wanted to stay home. I had no motivation to leave my house, but also I didn’t want to stay in my house either, LOL. So, I’m glad that I went to the game because it got my mind off of things temporarily and I had a ton of fun with my best friends.

Q: Why do you find this so hard to talk about with other people, even the people who care about you?

A: I’ve always been this way though. I’ve definitely made some improvements this year on letting people in and asking for help when I need it. But it’s just hard to bring up or talk about sometimes. My aim is to help others, not burden people with my own energy. Not when I can take care of myself. That’s just how I feel, if that makes sense – I feel like I can handle these things on my own, and if I can, then why put my own personal struggles on the minds of the people I care about? Also, I feel that talking about these issues gives them power – by talking about them, I bring these issues to the forefront of my mind rather than just processing and letting go.

The self-care part of me is arguing now that the people who care about me in my life wouldn’t feel “burdened” by these things – rather, they’d want to be able to help. And I know that. Hence why I ask for help when I feel like I really need it. I’m not going to deny myself someone to lean on just because I feel like I can handle everything on my own, I know better than that now. I just need to remain self-aware enough to understand and accept when I need to talk/express myself openly, versus holding everything in. I won’t ever do that to myself again.

Okay, I feel a lot more clear-headed now. I was feeling pretty muddled after the doctor’s appointment because I hate doctor’s clinics and hospitals with a burning passion. I hate the energy there, you can literally feel the sickness and moroseness seeping through the doors and settling heavily into the air.

I know eventually things will work themselves out. I have faith that whatever is meant to be, will be. I just needed to process this on my own terms.

So this week, I’m looking forward to heading back to Oshawa again for another yoga and meditation session, to clear my head and my energy. And then I can’t wait to get back to work and do what I love with the people I care about. And then this weekend is the holiday work party, which shall definitely be a ton of fun! There’s plenty to look forward to.

So – the games! Omg. I loved, loved watching the basketball game!!! There was so much hype and energy. And it was interesting to watch live. Not to mention, being there with my best friends made everything so much more fun. I love sharing people’s passions with them! It was nice to see Leila and Avery in their element. And we won too! It was such a good game.

And then yesterday was the hockey game! By sheer luck, our seats got upgraded from the 300’s to the 100 section and I was in complete awe. We could see the players faces, the moments the lines would change and the players would go on and off the ice. IT WAS SO COOL! Even though we lost the game, the atmosphere was incredible – everyone would stand in unison when we scored, or when the refs made a shitty call. It was so much fun to be a part of! There’s definitely a huge love of the game that you can sense from hockey fans.

All in all, despite everything else I had a great start to my week and I hope to keep the positive momentum going. I won’t settle for anything less.

Anyways, I’ve got a work shift today! So I’m going to start getting ready for that soon. I’ll write tomorrow when I get a chance!

And before I go, from me to me: I’m proud of you, and I love you. Hang in there, keep your chin up and stay positive, no matter what okay? You’ve got this. Know that everything will work itself out. Stay determined and keep your faith in the universe.

Love always,

Me.

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