AHHHHHHHHHHH I HAVEN’T WRITTEN IN SO LONG BUT IT’S BEEN SO BUSY AHHHHH.
I think it was meant to be that I stopped when I did in the last log though. I don’t think I’m meant to write about those kinds of details in that way, at least for the moment.
Let me explain what’s been happening over the course of the past couple days as briefly as I can.
Well, Black Friday passed, and it was busy as hell. Also, the holiday party was fun. Oh and, what I didn’t get around to writing in my last log was the Dylan ended up asking me to hang out again, prompting me to lowkey get my hopes up. That meant he was still kind of interested in getting to know me, right?
Oh, universe. You always know how to throw me for a loop. (Still eternally grateful doe, I swear).
But alas. It is not all good. Because, shortly after that, I found out from Luna who found out from Dianne that Dianne happened to run into Dylan a few weeks ago… while he was on a date with a pretty blonde girl, apparently.
Now, I know he’s at perfect liberty to date or hang out with anyone he likes or whatever, I don’t particularly care about that. It’s that I let myself rationalize the ghosting by believing him to be too busy to do anything other than work. He even said he stopped training! But, he obviously had time for someone else, regardless of whether or not it was a date. So, where does that leave me?
Low on the priority list, apparently.
I was doing so, so well with the letting go. The space and time apart while he wasn’t working actually helped me to come to terms with my idealizations. And then he came back to work, and all that grounded mindset flew out the window, replaced by a strong flicker of hope. Idealistic hope.
Look, I’m sure he’s a nice guy. But, I’m also sure he’s got plenty of options and people that he’s seeing simply for the fact that he can! He’s young, smart and very good looking. He’s probably not in a place where he wants to give any of that freedom of choice up, and I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t either to be honest. It’s fun and it’s liberating to be doing your own thing, seeing whomever whenever just because you can.
And while I could be doing the exact same thing, I know me too well to know that that’s just not my scene. I’ve enjoyed my “single” life this year to the best of my abilities – I’ve travelled, I’ve taken myself out on dates, I’ve spent time with myself in order to learn more about me and grow as a person, I’ve worked hard, and I’ve even gone out on a couple dates here and there with other people.
But the seeing multiple people thing… as fun as that sounds, I’m way too much of a romantic. I can openly admit that I know I’d end up catching feelings because that’s who I am – I fall for conversations, for the exchange of ideas and learning more about people.
Ultimately, I believe that maybe I was just meant to be on my own for the entirety of this year, and that is totally okay. I love relationships, I always will. But the right one will find me when it’s meant to.
So for now, I have to go back to that healthy detachment, to keeping my expectations on the lower side when it comes to this person, while being open to a certain extent that anything can happen. And if can get to know each other as just friends, I’m totally down for that. No expectations for more.
And no saltiness or bitterness either! I found myself getting a little frustrated with the situation when I found out about him going out on a date with another girl because I was mad at myself for letting me get my hopes up. But it’s okay! I’m only human, and I’m allowed to have feelings. And I can’t be mad with me for being who I am. I’m glad, that despite everything I’ve been through in my relationships, that I can still find a way to have hope. I think that’s a beautiful thing.
Whatever is meant to happen, will happen. I have to stop resisting what is, so that I can accept what will be.
I think I want my next tattoo to be something to do with reminding me to have faith. Like, having faith in the universe even when it seems like things aren’t going according to plan. Who’s plan, right?! I know the universe has a plan, and I need to remind myself to trust the process. And it wouldn’t just be a reminder to have faith in the universe – it would also serve as a reminder to have faith in myself. When things get hard, when I slip back down the hill, I want to remember to have faith in myself. To believe in myself. To know that everything will be okay. I want to be able to choose faith over fear.
Anyways, that’s about that! As for the last couple days, they’ve been pretty uneventful. I worked a lot, I handed in an essay, and now I have a week of exams coming up. It’s Monday, by the way! The last week of November has begun, and in a few days it will draw to a close and the last month of this year will begin.
Yesterday was the holiday party! It was actually so nice to be with my work family, to sit down and have dinner altogether. There was this moment outside of time where I just stopped to observe everyone; in the midst of having a conversation or laughing, interacting with one another. There’s so much personality in our department that it make sense that people clash sometimes. But when it comes down to it, I always hope that it’s moments like the ones we experienced last night that will ultimately draw us together. Everyone may fight or argue sometimes, but if we can protect each other and be there for one another as fiercely as we argue with each other, then that’s all that’ll really matter.
Also, before I go – I wore the deep burgundy velvet dress that I intended to wear to the last holiday party. And, it had the exact intended effect that I was hoping for…
When I walked in, I ended up getting a seat that was close to Dylan. And when I took off my jacket and scarf, his reaction was perfect. He was the first to get up to hug me, and as we both sat down he was like “that dress… is amazing.”
Back to letting go and doing my own thing!
I’ve got a lot of studying I need to do this week, not to mention my holiday hours are starting to pick up so I’ll be working a lot this week too. But I promise that if I find a moment to write, I will.