I never really got to finish off that log yesterday, but I think it happened exactly as it was meant to because the time in between yesterday and today has allowed me to step back from the situation a little bit.
Namely, the first thing I thought was: “holy shit, I need to get my head out of my ass.”
I have this urgent need to be in states of definitiveness at all times in an attempt to control my reality. Such as “I’m done – no more feelings for this person.” Or, “I’m leaving it to the universe”.
But I never really quite let go, do I?
I read through some of my old logs from October until I caught up to the most recent logs in an attempt to understand the course of events that has led me to this point.
To keep things simple: he asked me to hang out multiple times, it didn’t happen, my ego got bruised and I consequently got defensive and wanted to cut and run.
I can hear my inner wisdom piping up in my head, so I’m just going to let her speak:
Inner wisdom: Alright, me. So you’re saying you want to let go. That you’re done. If that’s the case, then be done. Commit to it! You don’t need the unnecessary personal drama and “oh poor me” narrative that your ego brings about to this whole situation.
Not everyone’s going to like you, accept it. And I’m not saying this harshly or in any other way than with some gentle tough love. You say you can’t allow yourself to dwell right? So then, don’t.
Me @ me: okay, that’s fair. I know you’re right. But what if he does ask me to hang out again, for real?
Inner Wisdom: THEN HE DOES!!!! Why overcomplicate things into anything more than what they are? Why do you need to always seek the meaning behind every action or inaction? Why can’t things just be exactly as they are?!
Me @ me: *nods thoughtfully* true, you make a good point. If he asks me to hang out, then it’s just that. I don’t need to attach anything more to it than that. No hopes, expectations, thoughts, feelings. I can hear myself saying that I struggle a lot with my feelings but ultimately I’m the one who’s creating that struggle by trying to resist what is by turning it into something that it’s not.
Inner Wisdom: EXACTLY. You resist the Now. You resist the reality of things by taking them deeply into your mind, attaching feelings and thoughts to it, and turning it into something it’s not in an attempt to understand it all in a way that relates back to you. But ultimately, that just overcomplicates things further rather than simplifying them.
Me @ me: Jeez, you make a good point. Alright, what do you think I should do?
Inner Wisdom: That’s the thing – you don’t have to do anything. Just be. Let go, if that’s what you want for yourself. If you don’t want those feelings, the hopes and expectations to drive you nuts, then simply don’t have them. Let go.
Me @ me: You make it sound so easy.
Inner Wisdom: That’s because it CAN be that easy, if you just allow it to be. Do you see what I mean? Stop resisting. Stop seeing things through the eyes of your ego, of your “me” mentality. Not everything that happens is happening to you – sometimes, it’s just happening.
Me @ me: How exactly do I remove myself from the situation though? How do I stop seeing things through my ego, and relating everything back to it?
Inner Wisdom: You’re in the way of yourself. When you see things happening, choose not to project unnecessary feelings or thoughts towards those things – simply see them for what they are, and do not react. Be conscious of your self – the minute you feel yourself reacting, stamp out the small flame of thought before it turns into a raging inferno of emotion that burns down everything in its path. Be aware, at all times.
Me @ me: Okay, this has all been super helpful. Another thing, I’ve got to confess to you: I’m a little embarrassed.
Inner Wisdom: Why’s that?
Me @ me: For all I’ve learnt this year, for all the awareness I’ve been preaching and all the amazing books I’ve read, I’m still getting caught up in my thoughts and feelings to this point. I read that last log and I want to cringe at how… self-pitying it almost sounds, if that makes sense. Things aren’t as bad as I was making it out to be, and I know that. I was choosing to focus on the “oh poor me” of it all, and because of that focus, I gave strength to those feelings.
Inner Wisdom: Why feel embarrassed though? Why do that to yourself? Why not, instead, extend yourself a little compassion and say: “it’s okay, me. You’re only human. You’re still learning. It’s okay to feel hurt.” You’re allowed to experience things; no matter what you’ve learnt or how many books you’ve read, you don’t know it all. And never, ever believe that you do or else you’ll never continue to learn, you know? You’re not perfect, and there is beauty in that imperfection. And another thing – you’re also aware that you give power to what you choose to focus on. So why not focus on you? Not the “ego” you, I mean the you behind all of this – the awareness, the mindfulness, the striving for consistent happiness. Give power to that you, and you will never get lost in those thoughts and feelings again because you will be able to see with clarity what is.
Me @ me: …Okay, even I’m starting to freak myself out a little. This is all so great though! It’s good stuff.
Inner Wisdom: You’ll always have this intrinsic knowledge within you. Whenever you get lost in life, lost in the thoughts and emotions of it all, keep the faith that you will find your way back to the light. It’ll always be a part of you, now that you’ve accessed it. It’s just a matter of continuing to connect with that light, continuing to feed it.
Remember – it will never be as big a deal as your ego-mind is making it out to be. The moment that you feel like something is a “big deal” – stop. Ask yourself why. Ask yourself if it’s really as complicated as you’re making it out to be. Chances are, it’s not. And then when you realize that, ask yourself why your ego-mind made things that complicated. Were you trying to protect yourself from something? From pain, maybe? Were you trying to control and manipulate your reality into a narrative that doesn’t really exist in an attempt to rationalize or understand something?
Accept that you cannot control everything, and you will find yourself in a beautiful, still, unshakeable sense of freedom.
Me @ me: I’m scared that when I go back to work and see him consistently, I’m going to fall back into losing myself in my thoughts and feelings.
Inner Wisdom: I know you are afraid. Especially with the way things unfolded this past weekend and this week. But look at you now. You’ve processed in your own way; you did the whole “ego-mind” personal narrative, realized something was inherently wrong with that reaction, and turned to yourself for answers. Time and time again, you strive to connect with yourself, you seek answers within you. No matter what happens, you find your way back to the awareness. One day, you won’t ever have to “find your way back” – it’ll just be your natural state. But, until you get there, these are the ways in which you have to learn your lessons. So, don’t be afraid. You’re so much more capable than even you know. The limitations you have are the ones that your ego-mind sets for yourself. It doesn’t want you to be free of it, because the more you continue to find the awareness, the more it dies every single time.
You’re going to be okay. Everything’s going to be fine. Nothing is ever more than what it actually is. Accept the now, live in the now, and don’t dwell on the past or what’s to be.
Me @ me: Thanks, Inner Wisdom. I’m so glad that I can talk to myself like this. I mean, I know it probably seems kind of crazy…
Inner Wisdom: oh you’re definitely crazy. But, in all the best ways.
Me @ me: *beams happily* Why thank you.
Lord Almighty I feel so much better.
I knew something felt wrong with the way I was reacting in my last log. It was too… Well, I know what it was. I can see it for what it was, now.
But it had to happen, and I’m sure it helped in its own way.
I had to go through that in order to get to where I am now, which goes for all matters in life, right?
Anyways, I’m going to start getting ready for work now! But before I go;
I had the first of my final exams yesterday and… it was actually really easy! I’m happy. I like exams. Weird, eh? I get super pumped for them.
Once this week is over, all I’ll have is work to focus on. I can’t wait to start using the rest of the time I’ll have when I’m not working to continue to connect with myself, work out, meditate, hang out with friends, you name it. The last month of this year is going to be a good one.