Day 344 + 345 – December 10th & 11th, 2017

The last days of this year are flying by quicker than ever, and because I’ve been working every day, they’re also beginning to blur together into one very long day. But I say this factually, and not in a complaining tone – I’m not that tired anymore, because I’m taking care of myself and making sure I do things for me. Soon, I’m going to have a full day off and an appointment with Nadia which is EXACTLY what I need.

Every day there’s some kind of new occurrence, so I better start making more effort to type every day. I should be sleeping right now though in all honesty, since I have another ten hour shift tomorrow. But I just have to give a brief description as to what I’ve missed in the last two days.

Since right now, my life mostly consists of work, it’s reflecting back in my logs at the moment. I’m literally working every single day, for ten hours at a time sometimes. I wake up, go to work, come home and sleep, and wake up again to go to work.

I still meditate every night before I go to sleep though, find moments in the morning to work out here and there throughout the week, and I’ve been drinking plenty of water, on the bright side! And during every shift, I keep a bright and beaming smile on my face and have fun with what I’m doing, despite all the toxicity flying around in the department. I know better than to let it get to me.

So, even though I’m talking a lot about work, at the end of the day I leave it all there and come home with ease (as much as I possibly can). I know this job is not my life. It’s a means to an end. I know I have so much more I have to do with my life.

Anyways, to address the situation there:

Yesterday (which was Sunday), Luna kept messaging and calling and asking me if I still wanted to go to Iceland with her if York went on strike, or if I wanted to go on break with her during our shift together. So, I decided to be mature and adult-like about the situation, and call her to tell her how I felt and where my head was at in regards to the situation instead of avoiding her calls and texts.

So I called her, and at first it was a lot of her venting and defending her position. I just quietly listened at first, to see if there was any guilt there, but there wasn’t any. I thought that maybe she wasn’t aware that our manager had used the family-member reasoning to let Dylan go, and I knew it wasn’t my place to tell her. I didn’t want her to feel bad, and I also didn’t want to affect her and Dylan’s relationship either (at this point, I wasn’t sure if Dylan knew about Luna’s comments either).

After a while of that, she finally let me speak. And I told her that I knew she never had any bad intention towards anyone and I’m sure she meant no harm, but some of her comments could have jeopardized not only my job but the job of some very hard working single mothers on my team. And while that had nothing to do with me, I just couldn’t understand why she chose to comment on the situation at all.

And again, she stood by what she had said: she really did think that family members shouldn’t work together because things could get tricky for the managers or the people in the department. And she said it wasn’t just her complaining about my team, it was the entire department. And not just the department, but the reps and vendors of the other companies too.

Nevertheless, I tried to make her understand it was the fact that she participated in any of it at all, that’s what hurt. Why couldn’t she just leave the matter be? I understand she’s entitled to her opinion, but that opinion was targeted against people who she said she considered to be her genuine friends, such as me and Dianne.

Why did she have to voice that opinion to someone who had the power to use that opinion as a reason to remove someone from our team? Especially someone who truly didn’t deserve to be disrespected in that way.

Anyways, I ultimately told her that she needed to look inwards and ask herself why she felt the need to comment on the situation at all. And after that, she asked what the state of our friendship was and if we’d still go on breaks and still travel together and stuff. And I told her that I just needed space, at least for the duration of the holiday season. I needed to figure things out and right now, I couldn’t do that while I was focusing on work. Which was exactly what I needed to do for the time being – just separate the personal from the professional and focus solely on doing my job.

She said she understood, and I told her that when I saw her in the department I’d still say hi and be friendly and stuff, it’s not in my nature to hold a grudge or be mean.

So that was yesterday, and the shift went well overall – there was lots of implicit hostility in the department but I got to stay at podium for the most part, which is great.

Today, it was much quieter and yet again I got to stay at podium and make my sales. We also found out that we’re currently the number one store in the incentive for the trip to Italy!!!!! We hit our target of $40,000 dollars, and we’ve even exceeded it. Not to mention, we still have three weeks to go so everything else we sell will be extra on top of that target. We really are a fantastic team.

I was snapchatting Dylan about the podium, which led to a conversation about how things were here. I told him that Luna and I were currently on the outs at the moment, and I also told him about an altercation I had with Ali today.

Ali snapped at me in front of a customer about a sale (because I wouldn’t give it to him, because I had already asked someone else to ring it through) and he got upset. But I stood my ground, regardless of him trying to be intimidating towards me.

Anyways, during our conversation, I told him he was lucky to have left when he did because the state of our department was getting worse by the day. Dylan implored me to complain about Ali, and I said I might, but honestly?

I’m not going to. I’ve already done some stuff I regret by actively ignoring both Ali and Kaleb when I come into work because that created an unnecessary hostility over the weekend. I don’t want to do something that’ll jeopardize someone’s job, their means to feeding their children and paying their bills.

Ultimately, my life will continue and I will not remember these little altercations, these moments of tension. I will not carry those moments forward with me once I leave. What I will remember, is how I handled myself with integrity despite everyone else’s actions or intentions. I would rather maintain my own peace of mind. I have nothing to gain from complaining about Wali to management. If he’s meant to leave that place, he will. But it won’t be because I contributed to it. It’ll be because that’s what was meant to happen by the universe’s design. And maybe even a little bit of karma.

Because, he’s the kind of person who doesn’t care about someone else’s job or livelihood, or children to feed or bills to pay. His world is very narrow and ego-centric. But ultimately, people like that usually get the wake-up call that’s meant for them.

So, I don’t have to do anything at all. The universe will take its course.

Anyways, we kept talking and he said he was kind of glad he’d left because if he’d been there and saw Ali yelling at me, he’d have lost it.

And then we talked about Luna. I asked him if Luna knew whether or not that he’d been let go because he was told that he couldn’t work there while his mom worked there. And… she did know. Dylan had told her right off the bat, when Luna called him.

So. She knew. She knew that she implicitly contributed to his leaving. And, Dylan was also aware of the comments that Luna made to our manager about family members working together.

When she called me that night and was feigning ignorance, it’s either because she was fishing to see how much I knew about the situation, or because she was waiting to see if I’d bring it up myself if I did know.

I have my valid reasons for not bringing it up with her: one, it was not my place to say so if she hadn’t known because it had nothing to do with me, and two, if I did bring it up, I was afraid it would make her feel guilty.

I also didn’t talk to Dylan about it, as much as I had wanted to, because I wasn’t sure whether or not he knew about the role she played (if indirectly) in his being asked to leave.

But he did know. So, I told him how disappointed I was in the whole situation and in her. I was sad that she wasn’t honest with me about what we both knew. I told him that I asked her for space, and he agreed that was a good idea until I thought about the situation further.

He also told me to message him to vent to him, if ever need be, which was nice.

He also called me “dude”, LOL.

Which brings me to the last thing I need to address before I go to sleep.

I know I wrote in my last log that I had set my feelings aside and that I was okay with just being his friend, and I meant that. The last time we hung out, the way we actually connected and had a real conversation, that was more than I could have asked for. And when he said he’d considered me one of his best friends despite knowing each other for a short time, I was genuinely happy and I still am.

But, that also didn’t allow me a moment to process the reality of the situation.

Which is, ultimately, he truly does only see me as a friend, with no potential for more despite the times we hung out outside of work.

I mean, he did go about breaking this to me as gently as possible, which was nice. It was indirectly, but the “dude” part today kind of made things a little bit more finite.

Eh. It is what it is. And checking my heart right now, I’m saying that quite honestly. There really aren’t any hard feelings.

I know earlier this year I said I’d rather keep the uncertainty than know how he feels. But now that I know, I’m actually kind of relieved. Because that means, for the first time in a very, very long time, I won’t be in a state of “crushing” on someone once this New Year begins.

When I read through this entire log, I can see that I spent a majority of this year in various intensities of feelings towards Dylan. Driven by what I knew of him, I couldn’t help but tell him how I felt in hopes for more. I know I wanted more. I genuinely liked him. And the more I got to know him, the harder I fell.

But, now that I know he only sees me and considers me as a friend, I can finally let go of those feelings for good. Because, I’m truly genuinely happy just being his friend. It means I can really be myself, and hopefully we can continue to foster the friendship in a more comfortable way.

I’ll never, ever regret telling him how I felt. It was one of the bravest things I’ve ever done for myself. I meant every word I said to him, and I hope the good of it all stays with him so he knows his worth and how special he is. And, I’m truly grateful that he replied as graciously as he did. He didn’t turn me down, or freak out and cut me off; him being the nice guy that he is, he asked me out on a date.

He’s definitely one of the rare ones. So, I can happily be okay with just being friends.

Well, it’s almost 12 now so I shall bring this log to an end. I wonder what the rest of this month holds for me. But for now, in this moment right here, I choose to be grateful. I choose to be forgiving. I choose to be… at peace. I have learnt a lot and come quite far, with still many ways to go. But… here’s to being right here, right now, in this moment.

Love always,

Me.

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