Day 346, 347, 348, 349, 350 – December 12th to 16th, 2017

Hello! My goodness, it’s been a while. I’ve been meaning to write when I can but it’s currently the same old song and dance with work at this moment. I don’t think I’ve ever worked such long hours in my life! So this is what the adult world can consist of sometimes eh. Back to back eleven hour shifts. I still got that energy though (for the most part).

Like physically, I feel okay! I know I didn’t get much sleep last night but I don’t feel that much tiredness through my shifts. But mentally and emotionally? That’s a bit of a different story.

This past week has passed by pretty uneventfully for the most part. I had a day off and it was so, so nice to just stay at home for once. I also had my appointment with Nadia!

I talked about what was going on at work for the most part, and she gave me as much unbiased feedback as she could, being an outside perspective. She doesn’t think I’m overthinking or overreacting (which was my main concern), when it comes to the situation with Luna. She also believes that I will ultimately make the best decision I can for myself when the time comes, so I shouldn’t worry. I agree with her.

And today at work, Luna came up to me and kind of cornered me in my house, and hugged me and said that she missed me. I couldn’t even really look at her in all honesty, because she was tearing up. Am I wrong to feel like it wasn’t genuine? I don’t know. She said she missed me, and just me, and she asked if I’m “still mad at her”.

I explained that I’m not mad at her, that I just need space for the time being.

It made me really uncomfortable. I felt guilty, and it kind of went against my wishes for space.

I don’t know what to think sometimes. I avoid thinking about it altogether actually, because I’m so focused on work. But when I do think about it, I’m still as disappointed as I was when it all first went down.

When I step back from the situation, away from everyone else’s opinions or perspective of her, and think of things in my own perspective I can see how I excused some of the bad qualities she possesses; solely because I chose to focus on the good. And who’s perfect anyways? Certainly not I. No one is. But, some of those bad qualities…

I’ve seen her be mean to someone based on no other feeling than just a gut feeling, because she simply “didn’t like someone”. I know she’s always had a tendency to get involved in matters that had nothing to do with her and she’s even acknowledged it herself, that she can’t stay out of things. But, I always saw it in a way where she seemed to be a defender, someone who stood up for what they believed was wrong.

Except this time, when she got involved with work stuff, it was targeted against me and my team. It resulted in the firing of a good friend. And rather than admitting she fucked up or apologizing to the parties affected, she feigned ignorance to me. Omitting the truth is a form of lying, and she had known the truth all along.

I know that when you love someone, you give second chances. You learn to forgive. You make it work.

And after this year of travelling with Luna and all the amazing things we did and saw together, I’ve definitely grown to love her, for sure.

So why is it so difficult imagining resuming our friendship as it once was?

I guess, when I break it down, it’s that I looked up to Luna a lot. It sucks when people you look up to disappoint you. I don’t know if I’ll ever see her the same way again. If she had just been honest with me and admitted she felt bad about the part she played in all of this, then maybe a part of the respect I had for her would still be intact. But she went with protecting and defending herself, rather than allowing herself to be vulnerable and admit that she did something wrong. She even stood by her damaging opinions, because in her character she’d rather go down with her own sinking ship rather than admit that it’s sinking at all.

I do miss her too. I told her that today, being honest with her. I’m struggling with this so much because I don’t want to lose a good friend. But a part of me feels like… it’s already gone. It won’t ever be the same.

I keep switching back and forth between relief (oddly enough) and regret. Relief stemming from where exactly? Well, a part of me doesn’t want to maintain a relationship with anyone who has the capacity to be toxic, manipulative, or self-serving. So, that part of me is kind of relieved that I’ve seen the truth of her character so early into our friendship. Regret stems from the fact that she and I got so close this year and she brought a lot of good into my life and now it feels like none of it matters.

I think I know what’s going to happen come January. I do believe that everything happens for a reason in this life. Maybe Luna was my security blanket when it comes to a lot of things, not just travel. Maybe I’m meant to lose some of the attachments in my life to form new ones, with myself. To trust myself more, to branch out on my own and adventure solo. There’s been a couple of different goodbyes and endings within this month alone in some of my relationships, and they’re not ones I chose or wanted. But again, everything happens for a reason.

I have to trust in my intuition, to listen to myself to understand what I truly want and need for me. I want to be surrounded by kindness and positivity, but first those are things I need to cultivate within myself consistently. Everything within will be reflected externally, eventually.

As for work, there’s only about one more week left until Christmas. While I do love the holiday spirit, I can’t help but look forward to the end of this retail season. I can’t wait to get back to my routine, full of self-care and growth and balance. Right now, there’s too much of an imbalance. But everything will be fine, I know this.

I feel a lot better having written about all of this, as the same thoughts were beginning to take up a little too much room in my mind.

Onto other matters… hmm, let’s see.

Olivia’s birthday celebration was last night!! It was so much fun to go out dancing. As much as I don’t enjoy clubbing anymore, I would never turn down a cool bar with a sick dance floor. I truly hope she had just as much fun because she deserves it.

Sometime during the week, Sera told me that Dylan messed up his hip during jiu-jitsu and I ended up messaging him about it to make sure he was all good, in a friendly way of course.

I’ve been thinking about him a lot less since he made it clear that he only sees me as a friend. Which is good, I know. But when I mentioned those endings up there ^ in my relationships, I know I also meant him.

I know it’s way too soon to say this and maybe I’m saying it in an effort to protect myself from any expectations that could lead to disappointment but… a big part of me thinks that this is it, the end.

The one thing that linked us together in the first place, that introduced him into my life, has been eradicated – he’s not coming back to work, not ever. If that’s not the universe’s way of making a choice for me, I don’t know what is.

He said he’d let me know when he’s free to hang out when he got back from the US, where he currently is. But honestly? I really don’t think he’s going to.

When I try to look at this objectively and separate myself from the situation, I can see that this is definitely an effort to protect myself from pain – my ego-mind is trying to set up a situation with the lowest possible expectations in an attempt to stave off disappointment. I don’t want to hope for anything more, even if it is just friendship now.

I have to constantly remind myself to just, let things be. To surrender, to let go. To let things play out as they will, to make efforts where necessary or possible, but then to let go and let the universe take its course. To trust in the process, to have faith.

If we’re meant to be friends, we will be. We’ll find a way. It’ll be a fifty-fifty effort, because that’s how friendship works. And if we’re meant to go off in separate directions now? Then it is what it is. I have to learn to accept that.

I cannot control every aspect of my life. I can only control and choose how I react to those things that are outside of my control. Everything else, I just need to surrender to.

Wow, this feels great to get out. But now, I must sleep.

There’s only about two weeks left of this month, and left of this entire YEAR. What more will this year bring before it truly ends? We’ll see.

Until then, I promise myself that I will keep smiling, dancing around, laughing incessantly and enjoying the little things wherever and whenever I can.

Until I write next!

Love always,

Me.

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