Day 351, 352, 353, 354, 355, 356 – December 17th – 22nd, 2017

I HAVEN’T WRITTEN IN SIX DAYS!!?!?!!

It honestly didn’t feel that long, what the hell! It’s pretty much been a week since I wrote last. I think these days have blurred by together into one long day because of, of course, work.

So, note to self for future reference: never again. I mean, it wasn’t that bad, I’m not overly exhausted or anything like that. Granted, I’m extremely grateful for this day off because it feels like I haven’t had a day off in forever. But yeah, never again… I think.

Okay, it really wasn’t that bad. What sucked was that it felt like I had no time for anything else – like these past couple weeks, it’s felt like I’ve been living at work. I haven’t had time for much else, so there was a bit of an imbalance. But, I did manage to find some time to do things for me: I went out for Olivia’s birthday despite working an eleven hour shift beforehand, I had an evening off to spend with Leila, and I had a morning off this week to add two new tattoos to my collection!

I have permanently embedded onto my skin two major lessons I have learnt this year: one, “have faith”, and two, “trust the process”. Even though I got them separately, they go hand in hand – faith comes with trust, and in order to understand that everything happens for a reason and truly accept it, one must have faith. I got them across my shoulders, and they’re so, so beautiful. I love all the tattoos I got this year. I’ll never forget all the growth and learning I did within this one year alone.

Wow, I’ve missed writing. I miss a lot of things actually; with all the work I’ve been doing, I haven’t had time to work out the way I enjoy, and I’ve been so tired after my shifts that I go straight to sleep without meditating. It makes me a little sad, but I know it’s only for a couple days more and then I get to strengthen my self-care routine once more in time for the New Year.

There’s been a lot of interesting instances happening over the course of this past week. I know that regardless of my mental exhaustion or prioritizing work over everything else, my energy is still good for the most part because I’ve been manifesting things without any real intention. Little things and medium things, but things nonetheless.

Like for example, lately I’ve found that I’ve both been giving my number out AND getting guys numbers a lot more now than I ever have within this entire year. I met a guy at Drake Hotel, I met a couple different guys at work, and had some really interesting conversations. And despite the fact that I’ve been giving my number out more than I ever have before, one thing lies in common with each of these instances: I never pursue them any further.

It all comes down to this one thing that I’ve realized: I don’t know what I want anymore, in regards to that aspect of my life. Like, the dating aspect. A part of me wants to be alone now, more than ever. And then a part of me wants to have fun, see different people with no expectations for more. But then another part of me wants to skip all that and go straight into having that stable relationship? But that part of me is very little now. I mostly just want to be alone, because I don’t want to engage in a relationship with anyone who isn’t as self-aware or conscientious as I currently am. Anything less than that would feel like a waste of time to me.

And I don’t know how to have casual fun and see different people. I never have before. I’ve only ever been in serious relationships. The thought of anything else kind of… I don’t know, I don’t really want it. I’m sure everyone should go through that phase of seeing different people and just being casual and hanging out and stuff. But I don’t know. It doesn’t appeal to me much. I wonder why that is.

Hence why I haven’t texted back even one of the multiple guys I’ve given my number to or whose number I myself have taken. The appeal of solitude outweighs the appeal for fun.

I think before this year ends, I need to sit down and re-focus on what I want from myself and for myself for this new year. When I wrote that first log in the beginning of this year, I wrote down all the things I wanted for myself and a lot of those things manifested, because I attributed some real weight to my intentions.

I have a really, really good feeling about this upcoming year! It’s 2018, and 18 is my number, the day of my birth. 2018 is the year that I’m really going to start solidifying everything that I want for myself, start truly applying the law of attraction. My relationship with the universe and my self have strengthened quite a bit this year, and 2018 is the year that it’ll show in everything I do and everything that manifests.

I’ve been starting to slowly re-read this entire log from the start, little by little. I want to re-read the whole thing before this year ends, to see how far I’ve come. And already, it’s amazing to see the difference a year can make. On the last day of this year, I will do a massive reflective log, comparing then to now.

And then I will let go. Let go of it all so that I can truly focus on the now and give power to it, only taking with me everything I have learnt this year. Another massive thing I’ve learnt this year is that there is no time like the now. Not tomorrow, or yesterday, or a week or two from now. Everything I want to do for myself, there will be no better time than the present moment I currently reside in, right this second.

So, with that said, it’s time for me to end this log! Tonight, my family and I will be getting together to celebrate Christmas and I’m so happy and excited. For the first time this season, it’s actually beginning to feel a lot more like Christmas.

Next week, I won’t be working as much, so I will find more time to write as I need to. I’ll be reflective but also talking about what I want from the upcoming year. But more than either of those things, I intend to enjoy every single day remaining within this year, to the best of my abilities. What a year it’s been.

Until next time!

Love always,

Me.

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